The light at the end of the tunnel.

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Vinny, Apr 22, 2017.

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  1. Vinny
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    Vinny Locked up again. Starting year 6.

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    When I lived in NYC it was said that we did not like the light at the end of the tunnel because it is New Jersey. :) Despite that we moved to NJ and lived there in four different cities for the bulk of our life. Sort of like how we started chastity. I saw the light as something that was supposed to be good but thought of it as bad. Now that we are in the light after 4 years of travelling there, we are both at peace and at ease with chastity with long term denial. No more going out of my mind with sexual desire. No more guilt for my wife at all. We have both grown to love our respective roles in chastity.

    It was a long road with some starts and stops as well as a few bumps in the road. We just stayed on the road and adjusted our driving as we went along. There is hope out there even if you wife/KH is as submissive as my wife is. Make no mistake, she is still not in charge of our marriage, but she has staked out the bedroom as her exclusive domain. She absolutely controls our sex life and orgasms are for her only except for 3 times a year, maybe less. She loves how she can make my penis twitch with just a kiss or cleavage. I am not my normal alpha self anymore at home. I save that for the outside world. We are both in a good place but it did take over 4 years to get there.

    Along the way we reviewed what worked and what did not. We modified, added and subtracted things as we went along. I got used to having less and less orgasms each year as my wife's guilt of denying me melted away. My Jailbird cage device became as comfortable to wear as my wedding ring. It is only there when I think about it. Chastity has become part of our marriage. It is our sex life. What looked like it was not going to last, ended up lasting longer than we thought it would. We stepped away from chasttiy a few brief times, but always missed it and went back to the dark side.

    Just wanted to let newcomers know that chastity can work and work well if you try not to live it as someone else's fantasy version as found in porn or websites that make it seem as if you should be a slave to your KH rather than sharing the experience together, each getting out of it what they want. Women do not turn into dominatrices overnight or even in a month or more. That takes a long time to do so take baby steps and understand that your wife cannot change who she is. At best, she can play a role as my wife does. We also slip into and out of those roles when we are in the mood to do so. After 47 years as a fetishist, I have learned to live your fetish so that it fits into your real life and not to try to change who you are to accommodate it. I am a very alpha male;combat vet, have 20 people working under me, very aggressive, competitive, a product of classes for gifted children, and a take charge kind of guy. I am not going to really let anyone dominate me or pretend I am inferior outside of the sexual arena.

    What newcomers should also know is that while being denied orgasms is exciting in your mind, living without orgasm is is not that easy. It is like when I had BDSM fantasies of all sorts of tortures that excited me but in real life it was so painful that I could not take it for long. We do have hormones that urge us to have orgasms and they build up every day for about 2 weeks until they level off. In our fantasies we do not feel that genetic urge to reproduce which is very strong since it is the reason we are all here. We are messing with our most forceful genetic programming. Not so easy as it appears in our fantasies. Just be prepared for the reality and take baby steps. You can make it if you do it slowly and have realistic expectations.

    We all want what we do. No one is forced. As a sexual submissive for decades, I know that I am in charge. I set the limits, I permit whatever it is being done to me and I can stop it at any time. I am locked up and not given orgasms and yet I can escape and can give myself an orgasms at any time I want. I do not fool myself into thinking that I am locked up against my will or can do nothing about it. I can do plenty, but I choose not to. Chastity has worked for us so long because both my wife and I want it. We work together to keep me orgasm free. It is a joint effort towards the same goal. We are also practical about it. If we make it so inconvenient or painful that one of us does not enjoy it, it ceases to be fun for both of us, so why play? Locked or not, I can still be chaste or know that my wife is in control of my penis and orgasms.

    Make chastity easy for your keyholder or she will view it as a chore. Always remember that while we are aware of our chastity each minute we are locked up, our KH/Wife is not. She thinks about it only when you have sex. You need to not annoy her with lots of talk about chastity. You do not really need to hand her a contract that reads like a user manual where she has to memorize and do all sorts of things that you list because you want her to do them. Contracts are sexually arousing to write. I have written a few myself. While they may make a good starting point, ultimately they become confining and take control away from your KH. The contract becomes the control, not your KH. Games to determine your orgasm denial period are OK at the beginning to alleviate the guilt of a KH who loves you. They are just following the rules of a game and it is not them wanting to deny you, simple the roll of the dice or spin of the wheel. Eventually they will feel that they are not in control of your penis at all, the game is and will want to determine what happens and not the game. That is when the real fun starts and she begins to accept her new role.

    I think it is best to just have no rules but one; my wife makes the rules, does not have to tell me what they are and can change them at anytime without prior notice. In effect, she does what she wants to do. If she wants to punish you, she can. If she does not feel like it, she does not have to. That was a key turning point in our relationship. She does not have to be my warden watching over me 24/7, worried about whether I am trying to escape or playing with myself. What was once a chore for her is now something that she controls, not limited to the roll of the dice or some written ersatz contract.. No more games to determine when she must let me orgasm. No more constantly changing rules every week until we were never on the same page anymore. Most of all, we are not boxed in by any rulebook or contract. We can change things daily if we wish. That does not mean we do not discuss what we both like about chastity and how we want to do it. We do not do what the other does not like to do so we communicate our likes and go from there without writing them down. Our chastity play is dynamic and not a scripted version that we read about online simply because we masturbated to it.

    I have found that rules never work out in the long run as they limit you. I suggest that you set up a safeword so that all else can be disregarded but when you use your safe word, she knows you are serious and in real distress. It allows you to beg to orgasm or say whatever you like. I also take comfort and feel safe because no matter what my orgasm denial period is, my wife will give me an orgasm if she feels that I am in physical or mental distress. She loves me after all, and gets no pleasure in doing things to me that I do not want to be done. Communicate. Set aside 15 minutes a week to discuss what works and does not work. Like marriage, it is a compromise of the wants and needs of two people but in the end we always consider the other's wants and needs in everything we do; at least if you want to stay married for a long time. :)

    We have seen the light and went to it. It took my wife several years to become a good KH, not a great one, because she lacks imagination. She is more of an actor than the screenwriter, and since that is not going to change, we work with what we have, not what we wished we had. Make no mistake that this is a sex game. We have a sex drive so that we can procreated and keep our species going. All other reasons for sex have nothing to do with our genetic drive to reproduce. Unlike most of the animal kingdom. we use sex for socializing and recreation. Leave the welding of locks and no orgams for life stuff to those into fantasy play. Most are the wishes of men living their sex lives online. Do not fall in love with their fantasy as that will only set you up for failure.

    My final word of advice is to not overwhelm your KH with several fetishes at once. Just being a KH is difficult for most without also wanting her to be your Mistress, cuckoldress or any other role other than KH. All that other stuff can come later. Or do the other stuff first and when that is down pat, introduce chastity. We started with just teasing and denial on the honor system. The cage came into play after my wife wanted to extend my orgasm denial period and I got it with her OK. Don't get a chastity device and think that you are going to wear it for days right from the start. You have to wear it a little each day until your skin gets used to it. Take it slow or you will end up in pain after a few days and not want to do it anymore. Baby steps and a realistic view of your chastity game will allow you to reach that light at the end of the tunnel, or in our case, the end of the cage. I have been around a very long time, before the internet and when a 300 baud modem and a Sex BBS were state of the art. The great majority of people who try a fetish stop doing it after a short period of time. I read an interview with the marketing manager of the company that makes the CB devices. He estimated that 90% of the guys who buy his product end up putting it away after the initial excitement wears off. Based on how many guys I used to talk to about BDSM and chastity who then disappear, I would say that is right. Just look at some post of newcomers here. Some are real and some read like someone describing his fantasy to get some pleasure by doing that. Just go into chastity with eyes wide open and do it your way even if that means being locked up only until your next regular sex night. Live your fantasy in the real world, not someone else's and you will stick with it longer than most. Enjoy.
     
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  2. skD
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    skD HausCuck

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    @Vinny "I think it is best to just have no rules but one; my wife makes the rules, does not have to tell me what they are and can change them at anytime without prior notice. In effect, she does what she wants to do. If she wants to punish you, she can. If she does not feel like it, she does not have to. That was a key turning point in our relationship."

    Wise advice Vinny. Thank you
     
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  3. Ormaz
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    Ormaz Long term member

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    I thought that light at the end of the tunnel was a train! :rolleyes:
     
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  4. Vinny
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    Vinny Locked up again. Starting year 6.

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    Living in both NY and NJ, there was no light due to the pollution. :)
     
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