in the last two weeks I have found a new determination to try again with chastity. I last made an effort 2 years ago. Having fitted my holytrainer about 12 days ago it just felt so good and the right thing to do again . . I've spent many hrs reading on this forum and on other sites for anything that might be of use to my wonderful wife . She tolerates me fitting the device but shows no other interest . It was during a recent search that I found an old net doctor thread on male chastity that I had contributed to in 2009 . I reaslised I am saying the same thing on here now that I said then . It actually made me a little sad that I've had these desires for so long but have found the subject so hard to talk about with the most important person in my life . About 18 months ago I bought the book restart intimacy by sierra Parker . I quickly thumbed through the book and put it in the draw . I probably gives great advice but looking back I guess I was looking for more titilation than advice . Yesterday I had the light bulb moment . I've been self indulgent for so long , with a busy life I've realised that the intimacy required to make this work requires a lot of effort , it's easy to get bogged down in the daily routine of life and forget the things that make living with my wife so wonderful . Once I got into my fourties and my libido started to wane I lost sight of intimacy . It's easy to pleasure myself and take my relationship for granted . Whilst on holiday this summer we had a romantic evening together and both decided we should make time for each other more often . We picked one night of the week that we would have our own little date night. We returned from holiday and settled into our previous routine . Despite years of reading advice from both the men and women on this forum and else where I realised it wasn't all about me . I do most of the cooking , am happy doing house hold chores, massages etc , all the things listed by many people of the benefits of male chastity. It's intimacy that's been missing and it's intimacy that we need . Last night my wife returned home after a night out with friends , I'll spare the details but we had an intimate time together , when my wife came to bed I was lying there naked except for my holytrainer, she didn't freak out at all . I had the strongest errection I've had in years and the most intense orgasm . As we lay there it hit me . It's making each other feel special that's been missing , it's the touching and caressing in those special intimate moments that is important and I think being in chastity for 12 days made realise that's where I've been going wrong for so long . It's been staring me in the face since those early net doctor postings and I've not seen it . Sorry if I've rambled on a bit but I needed to express my thoughts and the mansion is one place where I feel safe to do so . Only question is do I dig out the restart intimacy book again and share with my wife ?
Hi danny glad things are working out a little better for you and i can totally sympathise with the way you feel, having had many of those moments throughout my ownn on/off relationship with my chastity and bondage fetishes. I feel as you have come to realise that you have the most important thing already in place in your life and whether it expands and changes more in the future to allow more of your desires to come into play more depend on how you move on from now. My wife has never been into my choices and would change me if she could for someone with "normal" her words not mine! desires and needs but we have the biggest thing that we both share and that is love for each other and a love for our family, everything else is incidental and a bonus. Take what she is prepared to offer and never try and push the barriers too much no matter how much we tend to get swept along with the moment it always backfires when we push too fast too soon.
Thanks for taking the time to respond . That's the great thing about the mansion , always someone with a kind word . I'm sure our love for each other will see us through . I've never asked her for 24/7 chastity , just the chance to explore together. In truth I like being able to take it off when it suits . Like family gatherings when the younger kids migh climb on me or when I go to the pub . I wore it on a works Christmas do a couple of years ago and one of my colleagues was convinced I was doing coke as every time I went to the loo I waited for the cubicle. He took some convincing otherwise . It would just mean so much more if my wife asked me to lock it on even if only for a few days . I guess now I've had the light bulb moment I have to ensure that I put the effort in weather I've been asked to or not . It will take us where ever it takes us . Weather that is occasional play or 24/7 . Hopefully regular play as I still desire a behind barz belt . That should stop the ring burn and nocturnal erection problems . Have lost a bit more weight this week so am a little nearer my goal . That gives me a couple of months to sell the benefits of chastity otherwise I probably end up not getting the steel belt . I can hide the cost of a holytrainer but even my wife knows a bespoke steel belt doesn't come cheap . The next step of the journey starts when I get home tonight , one step at a time .
Thats exactly the way to look at things one step at a time.......it doesnt matter how long it takes to actually travel any distance the result is in that you have actually moved! Good luck.
Just remember that it HAS to benefit her. The first thing most women do is freak out and think there is something wrong with themselves and that maybe you don't desire them. Do the soft sell that, "I will make love to you anytime you want". Tell her that you are committed to your relationship and that you are giving her this gift of yourself. You want to be reminded that sex is about her and only her and that you. Leave it at that and don't start talking about orgasm denial, ruined orgasms, etc. Start simple and sell her on nothing more than, "here's the key, it's YOURS and will be ready any time you want it."
Will certainly take it easy and make sure my wife is aware that it's for her and she can call the shots .even if it just leads to a few more cuddles , then it's been a success
Still a work in progress. Have been locked most days since last post . since I had my lightbulb moment I have definitely felt closer to my wife . We have certainly exchanged more affectionate text messages and had a few more cuddles . I'll spare the intimate details but on Saturday night when I retired for the evening and joined my wife in bed we made love again ( instigated my my wife ) I was of course locked in my holytrainer. Nothing was said about it but I don't think she was surprised to find it locked in place . I left it on until I was asked to unlock it . What followed was us both experiencing intense orgasms . That's now twice in two weeks which is as much as we have managed in the last year . I think that knowing that I'm locked means she knows I will always be up for it and able to perform . Something I've not been so reliable on in recent years . I know she still finds it all a bit odd but I scincerely hope she has noticed as have I that the last few weeks we have been more intimate than at any stage in the last few years . I absolutely love how this has made me feel and can't believe how distant we had become when it comes to shared intimate moments . I'm still getting used to wearing the device so still remove every couple of days for cleaning and sometimes have to leave it off for a day or two to let the occasional soreness subside. I guess I have the best of both worlds at the moment as I have the a key and she has not yet made any demands . As the title of this thread say . Progress is slow but it's at a pace we both appear comfortable with and that's got to be a good thing .
Just a comment that chastity does not have to be about D/s. It can stand on its own. The mistake I made the first time was trying to do chastity like I read about which was basically a FLR with D/s. It was overwhelming for the both of us. My wife did not want a submissive husband. She said she married me because I was very alpha, which I am to a fault. It was not until we removed all the D/s stuff and contracts that it clicked for us. Keyholding had been like work for her if she had to constantly supervise me and check if I am locked or not. I gave my word that locked or not, I would not masturbate and that has worked out well for us. We got rid of all the rules except one, when it comes to our sex life, she makes all the rules and can change them without notice at anytime. In other words, we do what she wants and I have given my word to accept that. It adds a nice randomness to our chastity play since I never know what she is going to do. One we got chastity established we started to try adding new things. Some we liked but others we did not. What was great is that we had chastity as our foundation so if something did not work for us, we still had chastity which was not affected by anything else. Each year we negotiate the chastity terms for the next year and I give my world to follow the terms I agree to. This year, for example, I agreed to a 3 month maximum orgasm denial period and two teasing sessions a week. My situation is different than most so you need to fit chastity into your circumstances but do it with baby steps. That is the key to making any fetish work and I have been into fetish play for 45 years. I know what the end game is for chastity for me. My wife is bi, no longer has her long time girlfriend with her and prefers sex with women. She has not allowed intercourse for longer than we can remember but my guess is about 20 years. She normal method of having an orgasm is using a vibrator but she will allow me to perform oral sex on her as a special treat. I know she is thinking of her girlfriend as I do it but I still enjoy it. Problem is that my wife reaches her orgasms in under 3 minutes and sometimes, like two days ago, in under a minute so I do not really get much time to perform oral on her. My wife is not shy about letting me know that if I die before her she is done with men. She has tried other men and hated it so I was chosen to be her only male and until her girlfriend came along we had great sex all the time. She just prefers women but does have very intense orgasm with me too. She is post menopausal, low libido and rather I was a woman so she has stated that she would love if I never had an orgasm anymore but knows that I need them. She tried to get me to agree to an orgasm every 6 months and is aware that if she removes all my orgasms, I have no incentive to be as obedient as she would like me to be and I would be miserable with no hope at all. I got her down to a 3 month maximum but she usually keeps an eye on me and if she thinks that I am in mental or physical distress, she will let me orgasm. I like that. I used to feel a lot of anxiety about longer term orgasm denial but I know that she loves me and will not let me suffer too much. We also use the same safe word we used in our long time BDSM play. If I use my safeword to let her know that I need an orgasm for real, she will give me the key, leave the bedroom and tell me to lock up after I am done. Then she leaves me alone. I used my safe word once in year 2 when I was approaching the 3rd month of denial. However once she gave me the key and left I realized that I did not want to masturbate, I wanted her to make me cum so I locked up and told her that I did not mastrubate and we continued as before. The most powerful weapon a KH has is to threaten to give back the keys. Your wife should know this.
Progress is still slow but it is still progress. Mrs Danny recently commented about how hornet I was when I was getting amorous, on that occasion she wasn't . She is away on a girls weekend at the moment and last night when I fancied a kiss and cuddle and she was tired she just said you will just have to be frustrated a bit longer, I'm going to sleep . I was hoping she would ask me to be locked whilst she is away but alas she did not . I live in hope !
That progress is still happening is a good thing. As you will be able to see from previous posts I have made, the books I have written etc, you need to think differently. Playboy sold millions and is still selling now - Playgirl did not. Females find romance more attractive than overt sexual discussions so start with romance.
Slow progress has now become no progress sadly . Gave up self locking just before Christmas. I now have a Chinese steel cage which is great . £15 and it's the most secure and comfortable yet . Still losing weight but not yet at my goal so no behindbarz belt yet . Wifey did say recently that we need to make more time for each other again but I have been doing regular 14 hr days recently so am always tired . She will be away for a few days next week so. We will hopefully have our valentines meal out on Saturday . Thinking of re locking again now I have a well fitting cage . I will not push the issue but if we get intimate she will find me in locked in steel not plastic . I'd love it if she were to suggest I stay locked whilst she is away, it's only 4 days so might be a good thing to suggest , she might even like the idea . Here we go again.