My sexual assault as a teen related to current desires?

Discussion in 'Book and movie reviews' started by NotSoMuch, Oct 15, 2016.

  1. NotSoMuch
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    NotSoMuch This chastity is delightfully uncomfortable!

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    First I want to start off by saying. Sexual assault is not a game nor would I ever think there is any excuse for it. I also don't think there is anything abnormal about being kinky or enjoying different gender and sexual identities. I was just thinking about this and wondered if anyone else has had a past experience as horrible as it was and has now found themselves desiring some of the aspects of the incident.

    First here is my story. As a young child I was always pretty smart but smaller than other kids. I liked the usual stuff like lego etc. I did ask my mom for a doll at one point. She did not get it for me but my parents were pretty open minded.

    In public school I was constantly tormented by the classic bullies. Typical things like being called a sissy and beaten up. Once even a girl beat me up. Noticed I liked this a bit but it was humiliating at the time. I was small, skinny, no muscle other than my genetic muscular legs.

    As a teen things got a bit better as I reached puberty before my piers, but at around 14 a priest molested me in the cottage steam bath. I became very strongly anti gay and religion. Around this time I started to have fantasies of being put in panties and feminized a bit. Bondage and all the usual stuff started racing in my mind. Catwoman likely had some part of that lol. I started to become a chronic masturbator. I often would masturbate as much as 3 times a day while thinking of femdom and forced feminization.

    I really had no girl friends all through high school. In some cases I was objectified by dommy women. I really did not have any significant relationships until part way through college. I fell for a very dominant and somewhat kinky woman. She had many friends that were gay and I realized I should not hold all homosexual men responsible for the act of one sick priest. I have left my homophobia behind (I think). Religion I am still having a hard time trusting. I know many people that are wonderful Christians but on the other hand I know many that are wonderful without religion.

    As and adult I was lucky enough to find the love of my life. She is younger than myself by about 12 years but she is very open minded and we have been married for over 16 years now. I had an incredible desire to explore my need to be submissive and many areas of sexuality/gender identity. She really enjoyed this and we started going to bdsm munches play parties and more. I met a wonderful Ts and we had some fun going out en femme together and some bedroom fun with my wife/Mistress involved.

    At this stage my urge to become as much of a woman as possible looks wise except I never had an interest in removing my dick and balls. I got involved in the TG community and learned a lot. Thought I was some form of TS but my Mistress/wife liked me being a man even if I was pantied, in a bra, shaved etc. I used to endure full body waxing to try to be as smooth as possible (yes even Brazilian). I reflect back, I liked being femme but liked my orgasms being controlled and even some chastity (but the first devices I got sucked). Now that I know more, I feel my dicklette is very important and it being controlled and raising my desires is key to truly controlling me. At that time my Mistress/wife had a hard time being as harsh as I craved and always gave into my plea for release. Not actually what I wanted, but we had fun.

    Now there was a long period of me suffering sever depression at around this stage and we did not take part in scene or much of any sex or bdsm. Not going to go into this as this post is long as it is and not about what I want to reflect on.

    Now I have emerged from my dark days and now my Mistress/wife is very keen on chastity play and orgasm tease and denial. I think because this has resparked a very sexual and erotic side in me and her. We are only just restarting this journey.

    Ok here is my real question. Has anyone else here had any sexual assault etc that they think might have played a part in who they are now? Maybe it is totally unrelated to my desires, but part of me thinks there is at least in part a subconscious connection. I am really interested in sub and dominant views on this. I know I think too much.
     
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