My journey

About me
I’m in my early 40’s and married. My wife has been my only sexual partner and my first sexual encounter was in my mid 30’s. Significant and untreated anxiety until my mid 30’s. Severe skin condition from a very early age which is now under control, but is a major factor in my anxiety. Moderately overweight. I’m taking SSRI’s and my only source of sexual pleasure for the majority of my life was pornography. I’ve got a level of sexual dysfunction that has a hard to pinpoint source. On one hand, SSRI’s are notorious for lowering sex drive and on the other I’ve got an understanding of sex that is almost wholly dependent upon what I have experienced through my consumption of porn. Certain types of porn usually work for me, but there is a significant amount of time that I just can’t get it up, even if I am horny.

My earliest sexual thoughts were reading my dads Gor novels around age 14. I gotta say they made a huge impression on me and formed the basis for my sexual interests. One of my treatments as a kid was topical ointments after which I had affected areas wrapped in plastic wrap. So I have an interest in BDSM in general, self bondage and plastic wrap mummification. I liked the idea of being in bondage, and since my main source was the Gor novels, I imagined myself in the female’s place. I think that may have been what started me in anal play. I remember a long cooking spoon with a tapered Bakelite handle that was probably a bit more than half an inch thick. It worked nicely for experimentation. While I visualized myself getting fucked like a woman, I didn’t want to be a woman. I also only saw myself getting fucked by a man in the context that I was a woman. (For the record, I consider myself now to be bisexual.)

More later…

 

Anxiety and progression
Like I mentioned before, I’m married. I’m extremely fortunate in that I have a very understanding partner. We are very well matched with similar interests, tastes in food, and general attitudes. She is well aware of my interest in bondage, however it hasn’t been easy to convey what I want or need sexually. Her experience has been vanilla sex, but she did mention at one point of wanting to try out using a strap-on with me. Occasional bits of hentai was about as unusual as her experience had gotten. Now my anxiety comes into play. I don’t want to scare her and I’m very conscious that what I want is outside the norm. Next I/we consider my erectile dysfunction, am I just not sexually attracted to her? Are my meds killing my sex drive, if that’s the case why does porn still work? She asks, not accusingly, if I’m gay? One a side note, a few months before the question, we were having a game night with some family friends one of them, who is rather buxom, mentioned that gay guys really like her tits. This ignites my paranoia, because I LIKE TITS! And I have problems performing for my wife. So when she asks me if I’m gay, I don’t have a solid answer. After much consideration, I’ve pretty much decided I’m bisexual. The idea of sex with a man doesn’t bother me and in fact has played a part in some of my fantasies.

My wife doesn’t get as much sex as she would like. My anxiety and insecurity about my desires/needs have more than likely played as much a factor in my lack of sex drive as anything else. Well I decided to try a chastity cage. Got a CB6000 and tried it out for a couple hours, took it off and forgot about it. It sat in a drawer for several months until last week when I was feeling particularly horny and decided give it another try. Additionally, I started after my wife told me she would be home in an hour. I committed to the plan of having the cage on when she got home and having a plug in place. I did a pretty close trim, locked it on and lubed up what I would have to say is my favorite toy, a Tantus ripple plug. I then prepped a few other toys including a strap-on that we had never tried.

Well she liked it. I asked her to fuck me with the cage on. We tried 3 dildos before we found the one that worked the best. Ended up being a black textured silicon strap-on 7 or so inches long and 1.75 wide. The ripple plug did a good job getting me ready I must say. She did me doggy style, starting with me backing myself onto her completely and then taking over after I had it all the way in. It seemed like she rode me for half an hour, but in reality it couldn’t have been more 5 or 10 minutes at most. I expressed my desire for her to bind my hands next time and there’s no question that there will be a next time, she’s asked me every day how my ass feels. We didn’t orgasm, well not until later, but there was an intensity to what we did and it opened the door to more.

More to come…

 

Relationship
My wife and I met through an online dating service, not a hook up site, but one of the ones more relationship oriented. When we started dating, it was clearly understood that the end goal was marriage. Within the first couple of dates, there was no question in my mind that she was the one. I believe she knew it fairly early as well, but she had a couple previous relationships that didn’t pan out and wanted a bit more time to be sure. That said, we were looking at engagement rings about 4 months after our first date. We are best friends and totally in love with each other. When we go out, we usually hold hands, actually I would have to say, any time we are together, more often than not, we are in some sort of physical contact.

The idea that I might do something to lose her is a major theme with my anxiety. It has made it difficult to express my desires because they are outside of the societal norms. She knows and has seen my good sized collection of collection of bondage gear and sex toys. She is well aware of my collection and enjoyment of porn. Yet it is still difficult for me to discuss my kinks and what I want. Even if she initiates the discussion, more often than not I’m unable to talk about it. That I was able to prep myself in the manner that I did was a huge victory for me over my anxiety.

 

Desires
After the pegging session, we moved into vanilla sex. Mixture of missionary and cowgirl positions, boring but more comfortable to finish up with. The post orgasmic pillow talk is where we explored what could happen in the future.

I want to explore chastity, but 24/7 isn’t realistic. Being exposed at work would cause problems, and due to the nature of my work probably just wouldn’t be safe. So next option is for me to lock up as soon as I get home. This has merit, but we have different work schedules. Numbered locks and a snapshot in a text message is probably the best solution when she isn’t home. Because of some experimentation on my part yesterday, I’m pretty certain the CB6000 isn’t going to get much more use, just too much pinching.

Little side track here. In order to continue with chastity, I need a better cage. I’ve got a bit of extra weight and even the largest base ring on my cb6000 is uncomfortably tight. Right now it looks like my best option is a Queens Keep. Many of the off the shelf cages offer urethral insert options that I would really like to try, but I’m not sure that they are the best way to go at this time. Custom cages aren’t cheap, but I don’t want to keep buying more until I find one that fits right.

Cage on anytime I’m not at work makes sense to me, because I masturbate far too much and one of the big steps on my way to being ready for sex when she wants it, is to put my orgasms under her control. This isn’t to say I will never masturbate, but if and when it happens, it will be at her discretion.

Bondage has been one of my longest held fantasies. Aside from being bound while she’s fucking me with a strap on, I would like restraints to become a normal part of our life. I’ve got in my collection both leather and steel restraints, ankle, wrist and neck and a leather bondage belt. We discussed sleeping while restrained, which may not work all the time as it would require her to wake up and unlock me so I could get ready for work, my schedule requires me to wake up about 4 hours before she does. Other ideas were as simple as being bound while we are on the couch watching tv. A more adventurous idea was me being bound in our bedroom while she has friends over. Finally, I gave her the scenario of me getting home from work, watching as I stripped and put my cage on, and then she would cuff my wrists and lead me into the living room. There she would bend me over the ottoman and fuck me in the ass, possibly after a solid spanking.

She said she understood that I wanted to experience being a submissive, but that she would need to read up on it. She really has no experience in the role of a dominant and outside of watching The Secretary and reading the Sleeping Beauty series, she has no idea where to start. I’m really in the position of training my wife to dominate me.
Everything that’s happening right now is an extension of what I want, pretty selfish really, but necessarily so. Our sexual history has been sex once or twice a month on average, but she would be happier with sex 3 to 4 times a week if not more. She has asked several times in the past what could she do to help me out, but anxiety has always kicked in and I avoided giving her an answer that she could work with. We both deserve a fuller sex life and my hope right now is that her willingness to explore my kinks will allow her to develop an appreciation of kink that matches or surpasses my own.

 

Consent
Levels of consent play a factor with many of my fantasy’s and could cross over into my reality. For example, I cum in my wife’s pussy and she asks me to eat her out. Right now, my answer would be no, not going to happen. On the other hand, if I’ve got my hands bound, and she’s just ridden me to an orgasm, I feel she’s within her rights to straddle my head and rub her creamy pussy into my face and give me as my only options, eat her out or pass out.

Along the same lines, if she ever decides to bring another man in the bedroom with us, if I’m bound, it’s up to her. She can have him fuck her and then expect me to clean her out. Alternately she can have him fuck me or expect me to give him oral sex. But we have a hard limit of no scat, which would include me being fucked in the ass and then finishing off with a blow job. Without established hard limits, my consent is established once I am bound.

As hard limits go, its the obvious stuff, nothing permanent, nothing that would prevent me from doing my job, no scat/piss play, keep it private. Even these limits I expect evolve. Even though it scares the hell out of me, I could see a prince albert piercing happening at some point. If we get established with a D/S relationship, I could see allowing her to share the knowledge with her friends.

This afternoon I shared my blog with my wife. I told her that a couple years ago I came close to asking her to consider having another sex partner. Now, as I see things progress, and we are still far away from this becoming a reality, I wonder if this should happen. I can’t say that I don’t find the idea exciting, and I think I may have been unconsciously laying the groundwork for this to happen. I recently started buying her Wicked Weasel swimsuits and dresses. I want her to show off. I want people to look at her and want her.

 

A spanking
Things have started moving pretty fast more me. Once I’ve accepted a course of action, I tend to go all in. I didn’t get much sleep last night, partially due to having caffeine too late in the evening, and largely because of research and acceptance of how things are going to play out. When we woke up this morning, I told my wife very clearly that yes, what I wanted was a dominate/submissive relationship.

Like I said previously, my wife is very inexperienced when it comes to this evolution of our marriage. I have to lead her into actions and concepts of how to act. What is acceptable and what my expectations are. Without my prompting, our relationship would have never gone in this direction. I think much of what I need to do right now would be referred to as “topping from the bottom.” She does have enough background though to have me establish a safe-word.

The next thing I told my wife was that I wanted to be spanked. She asked why I needed to be disciplined? I said that I felt it was the necessary first step with her asserting dominance. My suggestion to her was the use of hand, brush or belt. I asked her what position she wanted me in and if I should be bound? I ended up on the bed bent over several pillows with my hands locked behind my back in leather cuffs.

She started off with a hand spanking, all things considered, pretty light. But she’s rather small in stature, so not real surprising. I asked for her to up the intensity and suggested she switch to a 1 and ¾ inch wide belt. She was still unsure and I kept asking for more force. She eventually worked her way closer to what I was expecting from the spanking, but I think my position on the bed, with her on the bed, just wasn’t the best way to administer a solid whipping.

After we decided to stop, she mounted me and brought both of us to a nice climax. After sex, we started discussing the discipline aspect of the relationship that we were moving into. I said that I felt she should beat me at least once a day to start. (and by beating, I’m referring to an ass whipping, paddling, spanking etc.) If she is going to discipline me, she needs practice, ultimately, I need her to desensitize herself to the idea of hurting me with a beating. I made it clear that she doesn’t need a reason to discipline me, if she wants to whip me, all she needs to do is have me strip and assume whatever position she would like. Quite honestly, my selfishness warrants a monumental amount of whipping. We are going to work on a list of items that would require discipline. We also established that I could postpone discipline with the understanding that it will be worse for me when it happens.

She agreed to give me another spanking before we went to bed. Earlier I had stopped by the store for groceries and picked up an oversized birch spoon and wood handled brush with a pretty wide brush. This time I leaned over the base of the bed with my feet flat and my arms stretched over my head cuffed and connected to a chain attached to the head board. This effectively left me with almost no movement. This time she started off with the birch spoon, big mistake. I lasted 3 strikes and based on my reaction she stopped. She struck me right at the crease of the ass cheek and left some pretty serious welts. Intense pain, definitely not something I was ready for. I suggested she work me over a rigid 2 inch leather belt, much more suitable for our entry level beatings. She spent several minutes whipping me with the belt, probably 30 or 40 strikes and she indicated it was time to wrap up. I asked for several “good strikes” with the brush to finish the session. She did a much more effective job warming my butt this time. Before she released me, she took the opportunity to fuck me with a strap on for a few minutes. Wasn’t the best position, she’s a bit too short to effectively fuck my ass when I am bent over the side of the bed.

Once I was released and comfortable on the bed, she straddled me and attempted to have sex. I wasn’t able to get more than a semi, so it turned into a cuddle session. I expressed how much I love her and how appreciative I was of her efforts. I asked for some time to work on some blog entries and then for her to bind me to the foot and head of the bed before going to sleep. It’s my intention to be conditioned to sleeping bound. As she was locking me in place, and this was my first time being placed in strict bondage, I got really hard and she said she couldn’t pass it up. I had maybe an inch of play in my binding, but I still managed to get some pretty good hip action going. She rode me to a mild climax on my part, and I believe she had two of her own, and I was still stiff. She kept up the action, but didn’t appear to be nearing any type of orgasm. I mentioned that since my hands were bound, she had the opportunity to ride my face and force me to clean her up. She’s close to her period right now, so the idea didn’t work for her. But it got me hot enough that I erupted into one of the most intense orgasms I’ve ever had, this served to push her over the edge as well. We mutually decided that this was enough bondage for the night and went to clean up. We have agreed to another beating in the morning.

I’d like to point out that I don’t equate a beating to battery. For my purposes, the discipline that I’ve asked her to administer goes significantly beyond a spanking and in my mind constitutes a beating. We established that under no circumstances is a closed fist strike ever acceptable. Furthermore I am a stubborn bastard and I am very capable of cutting off my nose to spite my face. If I ever feel things are getting out of hand, I’m quite capable of shutting things down.

Thanks for reading, I’ll post more later.

 

Morning spanking
We keep different schedules, hers changes on a week to week basis, but for the most part has her working an 8 hour shift between 9 am and 8 pm. My shift is very predictable, but requires me to change from days to nights and vice versa. To this end, my daily beatings will sometimes by necessity only happen at night, while at other times she will need to wake me up in the morning before she leaves and after I have worked a night shift.

This morning, I waited at the base of the bed until she was ready. I was shivering, which is very unusual for me. I had the 2 in belt already out and suggested 20 strikes. Without my prompting she locked my hands behind my back. I positioned myself over the foot of the bed and she started the strapping. She started light and finished with several heavy strikes at the end. Part of me wanted a more extended strapping, but on a work day, this was appropriate.

After being released, I hugged her and held her close for several minutes. We kissed. I massaged her shoulders and scratched her back, she really enjoys back scratches. I thanked her. As much as I loved her before we started down this path, I love her even more now. The warmth and stinging sensation on my butt is clear evidence of her love for me.

We had another short talk about my beatings. The wide belt will likely be a part of every beating. The spoon and other more intense instruments will be saved for my days off. I mentioned that eventually, the intense pain and welting that I experienced with the spoon will be the intent of my beatings. We will also build up to more extensive whippings to include the back and legs.

I am happy today. Thank you my love.

 

This was all written over the last 3 days. I've had a lot going on in my head today, which has been rough, because it's been a busy night at work. My state of mind right now is very close to what I was experiencing when we first started dating. Nervous energy, ideas for the future, loss of appetite (hoping for a jump start on my diet.)

I'm really hoping that this will be a big picture event in my life. I'll go deeper into that with my next blog post.

 

Much of what I am writing about falls under straight discipline. We will likely give the CB6000s another try this weekend, but I think active chastity will take a backseat until the Queens Keep arrives. I did take the step of paying for the 2 to 3 week expedite service. I haven't masturbated for 5 days and my balls feel really full. The sooner the Queens Keep arrives the better.

 

Another beating
I just had my first after night shift beating. The restraints are getting more effective as I explore more of what I have collected over the years. My wrists were bound higher behind my back to a length of chain connected to a collar. My feet were spread about 30 inches and held in place by chains wrapped around the legs of the bed. Belt, brush and spoon were used.

Once secured, I was left standing for several minutes as my wife moved about the house. Upon her return, she noted that I looked nervous. Once again I was bent over the foot of the bed and the beating began. Her confidence with the strikes is becoming evident. The belt fell upon my ass with quicker, sharper blows. When she switched to the brush, the first first couple blows were easy, but the force quickly grew to the point that my body started jerking with every strike. After about 20 strikes, it was time for the spoon. I think she may have taken it easy with the spoon, there was still a lot of force, but my body didn’t react as violently to the impacts as the did the day before.

Once she was finished, at my request, she left me bound while she finished getting ready for work and ate her breakfast. When she returned, she delivered 10 more rapid, forceful blows with the belt before releasing me. I thanked her, kissed her and held her tight for several minutes and then sank to my knees and hugged my face to her belly. With every session, I grow more emotional.

When I got home this morning, I was searching for books to aid her growth as the dominate partner in our relationship. I found a short book about domestic discipline available on Kindle and purchased it for her. I quickly skimmed through it and realized this was a very close representation of what I need. The end goal however is beyond the intensity that I expected, yet the reasoning made perfect sense. I ordered several heavy duty paddles to enable my wife to make the concepts of this guide a painful and necessary reality.

 

The Big Picture

I'm fat, not grossly, but I am easily 60 pounds over weight. I get very little exercise, crappy diet. Way too much sugar in the form of soft drinks. Virtually no vegetables or fruits. Too much fast food, too much processed food. On my days off, I'm pretty worthless. I do almost no housework, and what little I do tends to be just before my wife gets home from work.

This isn't to say that I'm a total shit heel. I handle the bills, cook most of the meals and I help out when my wife is cleaning, assuming I'm not at work. Except that I've fallen into the bread winners mindset. I've been acting like my salary excuses me from contributing more than money to the household.

In my free time at work this shift, I've been working on a list of expectations she should have for me. Normal everyday chores that I currently neglect more often than not. Some things are simple, take out the trash, empty the dishwasher, don't leave dirty clothes on the floor. Others are a bit more complicated, check the pantry before I shop. Don't buy food unless there is a plan for it, I waste way too much food. Making a commitment to follow through when I say I'm going to do something. Eat vegetables.

On my days off, all dishes need to be washed. Dinner needs to be ready for my wife when she gets home from work. No more fast food. Ride my bike every day, weather permitting. Use my rowing machine for a minimum of 20 minutes. Do at least 2 loads of laundry. This is just a start, because I'm sure when my wife thinks about it, she'll have much more to add to the list.

If these expectations aren't met, I need to be punished. Consequences should be cumulative and some punishments may have to wait until my day off. Some relatively minor things should have heavy punishments. I need to eat my vegetables, I may have gotten away with not eating them as a kid, but I'm 40 years old now, I need a better diet and I've actively fought developing better eating habits. So skipping the veggies should make me think twice. My wife is easy going, but on some of these, she needs to get pissed and exert her authority.

The big picture in my mind now is, be healthy, be responsible, pay more attention and see to the needs of my wife. To this end, I've taken a drastic but necessary course of action. I'm not a bad person, but I've clearly failed to grasp concepts that I should have learned as a child. The selfish demon inside me whispers that I've deliberately put myself in this situation. A situation where my wife will be responsible for actively inflicting pain and humiliation upon someone she loves. It's not fair to her, but she is rising to the challenge.

My wife is good about reading books and material given to her, but she isn't so great on at finding out what she needs to read. I was able to find 8 books this morning for kindle, all much less expensive than their paperback versions. This will provide a way for her to get a good general knowledge quickly. The books focus on Female Lead Relationships, Chastity, and Discipline. This book in particular, How to Have Your Wife Use Domestic Discipline on Husband, or Hard Spanking, really clicked with me on what I was looking for as a starting place in our new relationship. When we put the practices described in place, I expect I'll need a few days off from work. I'll have to reassure my wife, that this is really what I need. The intensity of the described beatings are actually quite a bit more than I anticipated, but it makes sense. This clearly falls into the realm of "Be careful what you wish for."

I'm about 9 hours away from my next beating. When I get home in the morning, I'm planning on a long hot bath. I need my scrotum to be as loose as possible before I put the cage on. Reading what others have said, I'll lube up really well before starting. My wife is working all weekend, and I question my ability to keep my hands off myself. My goal is a minimum of 14 hours, but I'm not sure if it will be possible. My extended goal is to make it through to Sunday night without removing the cage. As a compromise to safety and security, one of the keys will be attached someplace with a numbered security seal, if I absolutely need it off, I'll break the seal at that point. Do I need to add... And suffer the consequences.

 

I understand what you are saying and I don't think that there's any question that I'm topping from the bottom right now. I also didn't use the most appropriate phasing with that statement. My wife has known about my interests from the start of our relationship, but I've had an incredibly difficult time communicating exactly what I wanted. Over the years she has made several attempts to engage me, pulling out cuffs and some harder spanking, but my anxiety didn't allow me to open up. Now that I have opened up, we have been having a more productive dialog about our relationship. She is worried about my health, I'm a shift worker and I experience all the negative health effects of that lifestyle. I've also got ingrained bad habits that I've been unable to change.

By opening up and talking about my sexual needs with my wife, I've really asked for help. The easy going part of her nature has allowed her to brush off any push-back on my part when she brought up worries about my health in the past. Now I've asked for her to not let things slide. She has indicated that she is on board with what I want and has even asked me if she is doing enough. This early on, I think she is doing more than I had any right to expect. We both know that this will take time. I set this up as a blog because it is usually easier for me to open up when I put my thoughts in writing. I let her know when I've made new entries, and given the opportunity I try to discuss what I have written with her. I know she spent time reading through the forums last night, I hope she feels comfortable participating here soon.

 

Yes, I desire spankings, but only from my wife or possibly an agent of her choice. The only way I would be interested in going to a pro Disciplinarian would be with my wife so she could learn more.

 

Closer to reality

A lot of the conversations I've been having with my wife over the last week seem to be covering topics we have already discussed. As we each get new information from our individual research, our understanding changes and causes us to constantly re-evaluate what we want and need from our new relationship. Initially, it was pretty straight forward, I wanted her to have total control over our sex life, to be placed in chastity, bound, humiliated, disciplined and essentially become a domestic and sexual slave.

To her credit, she put thought and effort into it. She listened to what I asked for, read books on the subject, started doing research on a couple sites. She started spanking me at least once and sometimes twice a day, she really warmed up to the idea of chastity and is looking forward to caging me. She accepts and understands that I need strong guidance and that I am asking for her to help me be a better husband. She binds me because it is something that I've always enjoyed and each spanking session, I suggest different methods of binding me to show her what's possible and to spark her imagination. When she spanks me, we vary the implements, if something new is used, I provide her a starting point. Now she's getting the hang of it and I quite literally feel her confidence building.

The issue though, is that she is really uncomfortable humiliating me and feels like a hypocrite punishing me for something she herself has been guilty of. We had a session a couple nights ago and she "played the part" of disciplining me. I had emailed her the idea of a possible scene, encouraging her to find fault in any little detail of the list of tasks she left me to complete that morning before she left for work. I also asked that she not give me any praise and I knew she would be pleased with what I had accomplished. I did more than she asked of me, and while dinner wasn't ready when she walked in the door, it was ready when she was prepared to eat. She doesn't regularly check her email, so in order to implement the scene, I'd have to text her and let her know to check her email before walking in the door.

Dinner took a bit longer than planned and by necessity, some of the extra tasks that I wanted to accomplish took place right around the time I was cooking dinner. I was getting a bit frantic, not that I was afraid of being punished, but that I didn't want it to look like I was trying to get punished. She actually got home earlier than I expected, and it was my fault for not checking her schedule, so I own that mistake. Long story short, I didn't send her a text to start the scene. She got home, we talked a bit and then she went to change out of her work clothes. I decided to let her know that I had sent her an email for a possible scenario. Well she decided to run with it. When we were talking right after she got home, she said she had developed a persona as a way to get her head around chastising me. She slipped into the role, lectured me, and then gave me a sound spanking over her knee with the hair brush. I was allowed to eat a very small portion of dinner and then sent to bed to contemplate my failures.

The next morning she gave me another spanking and impressed upon me that I needed to do a better job with that days list. I completed the list more efficiently, and it wasn't a really hard list list to begin with. Several hours before coming home, she sent me a text indicating that she would like to soak her feet and have them massaged when she got home. I had everything ready when she walked in the door, foot bath was ready and I had a kettle on the stove to adjust the water temperature. I made up a grilled chicken salad and had an old fashioned ready for her as she walked in the door. There really wasn't anything to complain about. But for my sake she came up with complaints. Earlier that day I had received a pierced hickory paddle and I had it waiting on the bed for her to see. Once she changed, I adjusted the temperature of the foot bath to her liking and serve her dinner, I then waited for her permission to eat. After we finished eating, I massaged her feet and lower legs. The we proceeded to the spanking where she gave me a taste of the hickory paddle. Considering I only had my first real spanking a week ago, after 4 easy strokes and 4 moderate strokes where I could tell she was holding back, my but burned all night and I'm still feeling the affects 16 hours later. Right after that she released me from my cuffs and we talked about the experience. I brought up technique, and showed her a different way of holding the narrower of two belts we use. I demonstrated an overhand stroke that I had seen in a video and asked her to give it a try. She's got a great overhand, and I got to experience 10 on each cheek.

Once we cleaned up for the night, I could tell everything wasn't quite all right. She asked if we were always going to be in the role. She was under the impression that during my "break in period," I wanted total immersion. I replied no, we still need to take time to be together, outside of any possible scene and that she was welcome to say that we were taking a break. This eased her, but as I put more thought into it, was I really happy with this big a change in our life. It was after midnight, and she drifted off to sleep, I had 4 hours until I had to get up for work, but over the last week I've been comfortably getting by with 2 to 3 hours of sleep. So my mind was still in overdrive thinking about what she said. Again I had to think about what was important to me.

While she slept next to me, I composed an email to her, I would've hand written a letter, but it was important that she could actually read what I had to say. I told her we didn't need to do the regimented role play, no lectures, humiliation or nitpicking, if she felt like doing that, great, but I'm not going to ask for her to treat me that way. I asked that she praise me when deserving and punish me when necessary. I still want her in control and giving me orders. I need her to hold me to my goals. I want her to hold me to a higher standard and be honest with me if I fail her. I don't want her to hesitate in punishing me and my offer to her stands, she can spank me for any reason at all. I want her to continue building the severity of the spankings, I need to see how far we can take it. What I don't want is her feeling that we are locked in a game that could consume us.

I need the regular spankings, at least once a day. More if time and conditions permit. Maybe it's the endorphins, maybe it's just me finally becoming comfortable with my sexual identity. I'll make suggestions and do whatever I can to help her until she's ready to call the shots. I want us to explore anything and everything. Anything she wants to try, we can try, I imagine I've got fewer hard limits than she does. I want us to concentrate on having fun and being together.
We're both looking forward to the arrival of the Queens Keep. It's effectively the next step with our relationship and I have no worries at all about what is going to happen. I've already posted pics of my battered butt online, not too attractive, but if my diet and exercise regimen hold steady that should change for the better.

 

The Cage
It arrived yesterday afternoon.

After my wife got home from work, I had the package waiting in her stack of mail. I believe her response was “well, alright.” We had a fairly quick meal and then retired to our bedroom. The question we both had was, how are we going to do this? I asked her if she wanted me bound or not? She said that, since this was by my choice, I should be unbound.

This blog is essentially my journal, in turn she has started one of her own. One of her thoughts was questioning my idea that I had hit rock bottom. As we held each other before we put the cage on, I clarified this idea. My masturbation had become an extreme obstacle to our sex life, she originally wasn’t aware of how frequently I was masturbating and didn’t really understand the impact. I did though, and I understood that something needed to change. The purpose of the cage is to give her total control of my orgasms. Furthermore, she is in total control of our sex life, and wherever it may lead. After I expressed my thoughts, we sat on the side of the bed and locked me in. Now she decided to put me in cuffs, mount my face and had me eat her out. I was let out sometime later so that she could enjoy my cock and after we cleaned up, I was locked back up again. She didn’t have me clean her up afterwards, both disappointed and relieved. Honestly, I’m still not all that enthusiastic about eating my own cum, but I think it’s appropriate that I eat her out after I cum in her, and that I don’t get to wash my face until morning. I’m a bit of a clean freak when it comes to slimy sensations, so having our combined juices dry on my face will fuck with my head a bit.

I’m pretty damn impressed with the Queens Keep. I’ve had it on about 20 hours now, and it’s overall, very comfortable. I wore it out today as I ran some errands and its low profile made it seem if anything, that I was packing more than I actually had. There is a bit of chafing on the underside, but pretty minor. My wife has left me the key so that if necessary, I could remove it. I believe I will try wearing it to work tomorrow.

She feels that I should still have the ability to remove it if necessary, and I think the way to do it will be by laminating the key with a note that has her signature. If I need to get use the key, the note gets destroyed.

I realize that this is the first day, but I think I would be happiest if she had me restrained any time the cage is off. It’ll be interesting to see if I still feel this way in a week.

 

Update

I had the Queens Keep on from Friday evening through late Monday morning. I wore it to work Sunday night and had issues with backing out. My understanding is that this means I need a smaller base ring. About 10am Monday morning, I awoke with a burning sensation at the base of the scrotum and moderate pain. I made the call to take it off for at least the next 24 hours. My wife left for work about 20 minutes after I got home, but she had told me to take it off if it was causing problems. So I ended up telling her after the fact.

This is highlighting one of my medical issues, I've got a cyst on one of my testicles, benign, but large enough that it caused me to go with a larger base ring. I think this is one of the reasons I was so uncomfortable. I'm trying to set up an appointment with a urologist so that I can get surgery scheduled before the end of the year. The cyst was easy enough to ignore before I started down my current path, but now it's become more of an issue. Until the cyst is removed, We will probably have to limit my time caged. I'm also looking at a second cage, the Looker 01 is the direction I'm headed in. But I'm not even going to seriously consider it until sometime next year.

We are still continuing with the daily spankings. I know that I feel more focused after I've had one. My wife is starting to get a bit concerned with one of the longer lasting knots, so I'm going to suggest she use a delrin cane for a few days. The canes are a more intense pain, but the welts fade after a short time and don't leave the deeper knots or bruises. The soreness from the spankings has become a source of comfort throughout the day and has been keeping my anxiety in check.

I have a tendency to move a lot while getting spanked. Because of this, my wife has been holding back, thinking that I'm closer to my limit than I actually am. This presents a catch 22 of being relieved that the spanking is over but also a disappointment in knowing that I could've taken more. I'm currently in search of a way to completely immobilize myself during a spanking. I found a post on tumblr with a DIY spanking bench/pillory that I think I could manage, but I will probably be better off looking for help in the local fet life community.

We are only about 3 weeks into this new relationship. Since we started, I haven't had any orgasms that she hasn't been involved with, have had sex in general more than any other point in our relationship. I've cut out soft drinks, red meat, fried foods, sweets, junk food, probably cut my caloric intake in half. I'm putting real thought into what I eat. Started exercising regularly, stopped watching tv, cut out about 90% of my couch time. I'm still not where I want to be with performing domestic duties, but I feel I'm improving. I want to explore healthy cooking and make it more than just salads. I'd like to start preparing her lunches so that she doesn't resort to fast food or onsite cafeteria food. Next goal is to start exercising together when our schedules allow.

 

Back in the Cage

I went without my cage for most of the week. Going immediately into an extended session wasn't the best idea. My scrotum swelled up pretty seriously and the skin was stretched to the point that it induced a rash. I've been oiling up every day with Neutragena light sesame body oil and it's helped tremendously.

Last night (Friday), my wife stayed late after work for a function and I felt it would be appropriate for me to try the cage again. I got home around 7pm and I wasn't expecting her until after 11pm by which time I should be asleep as I had to get up for work at 4am. Once I had the Queens Keep in place, I decided to go for a full lockup and put my leg and wrist cuffs on. A couple weeks back my wife and I had installed 13 discreet tie-down on to the bed frame, and we have since been putting them to good use. In this case I connected my feet to a hitch ring at the top center of the foot board and my wrists were asymmetrically connected by chain to an eyebolt on the head board about two and a half feet above the mattress. The asymmetrical placement of the wrists allowed me to use carabiners and have a reasonable sense of security while still maintaining my ability to release myself if needed.

I ended up dozing for a couple hours and ultimately laying awake for an hour waiting for my wife to get home. Once she was home and ready for bed, I was pretty horny and indicated that I was ready for sex. For the first time that I can recall she said no and shut me down. She then gave me a massage and said that she was starting to like the idea of tease and denial. Hearing this from her was arousing, the simple act of her telling me "No" and meaning it served to make her even more desirable.

 

Last Night

During my break in period for my Queens Keep, I pretty much have control over how long I wear it. I'm not wearing it at work, but I am putting it on as soon as possible after I get home from work. At that point I continue to wear it until I'm getting ready for work again, or until my wife wants access to me. On my days off, I'll wear it until my skin starts getting irritated and then I'll take a break. I've got an appointment with a urologist later this week to evaluate my cyst and hopefully schedule surgery for removal, I'll also need to discuss at what point I need to discontinue use of the cage prior to surgery.

Saturday night when my wife got home, I greeted her wearing ankle and wrist cuffs, my cage, an apron and a cocktail in hand. I had seared pork loin and brown rice ready for dinner. Not that impressive to be honest, but simple is better when both of us are working. I'll be off next weekend and I plan on hitting a farmers market in hopes of being able to prepare something a bit more interesting.

After dinner, we retired to the bedroom for some cuddle time and a spanking. We are a bit backwards, so we cuddled first and then I got spanked. I lay down with a couple pillows under my pelvis to elevate my butt and then my arms and legs were stretched and clipped to restraint points at the foot and head of the bed. My ability to move was almost nonexistent. I was given probably my longest beating to date. My wife cycled through a fairly large number of implements, belt, wood paddle, lexan paddle, riding crop, short delrin cane, long rattan cane probably one or two that I missed. She warmed me up to the point that when she finished with the cane, I thought she could've used much more force and according to her, she wasn't holding back on the last few strikes. Probably getting to the point where it's more about technique than force. When it was over, I really wanted more, I felt that I was really on the edge, 5 more minutes could have pushed me over.

After she finished, she left me bound (at my request) while she went downstairs and watched tv. Now I like tight bondage, but in this case it was tight and I had tension on my limbs. I wasn't in contact with my wife, without screaming she wasn't going to hear me and since we live in a condo with units on either side of us, short of an absolute emergency, screaming isn't an option. After about 30 minutes, which was closer to 45 if you take into account the time I was getting the spanking, the cuffs were becoming seriously uncomfortable and digging into my wrists and ankles. I had no idea how long she was planning on watching tv, and if it was another hour or more, my condition might actually escalate to the point that waking neighbors was an acceptable risk. I started actively checking my bonds, I wasn't actively locked in place, the actual mechanism was cuffs locked to wrists and then clipped to a hitch ring by a heavy carabiner. That almost qualifier on my ability to move became very important. I was able to get just enough play on my right arm to slip the carabiner off the hitch ring. Even with my right arm free, I wasn't able to get a good enough angle to free my left wrist. I was however able to reach my phone that was sitting on my night stand. I texted her a request for help.

After she released me, it was still a few minutes before I could really move. She was apologizing and felt bad about the situation. I told her it wasn't her fault, that it was all on me. I setup the situation and didn't communicate my limitations or the conditions of the scenario. She doesn't have the knowledge or experience with bondage to understand all the safety aspects. So it is up to me to keep myself safe. I work in an industrial setting, safety is a huge portion of my profession and I need to carry my professional diligence over to my personal life. We talked about getting a baby monitor, or not using this type of bondage unless she will be actively checking on me every few minutes.

She massaged my limbs for a bit and asked if I was ok with her finishing her show, I wasn't feeling particularly needy at this point and I wanted to check some emails before turning the lights out, so off she went. She was back about 15 minutes later, did her nightly ritual and noticed that I hadn't replace the toilet paper roll, so she pulled me into the bathroom and gave me a dozen swats with the delrin cane. The she slipped into bed. She was using her iPad and since I really wanted her to know that I wasn't unhappy, I pulled her pajama bottoms off and started eating her out. I have yet to master the art of getting her off without penetration, so she got ready to unlock me and I pointed out that in fairness, she just had just punished me for the toilet paper roll, so she might want to use a gag on me that has a dildo attachment and not provide me with any relief. She felt that she would rather mount me than a dildo. It was another catch 22 for me as I felt that I didn't deserve to be in her after needing additional discipline. It's fair to say though that then end result was immensely enjoyed by both of us.

 

Sunday was not a good day.

I started a series of actions that was the most damaging thing I have ever done to my marriage. I was up front about it to my wife, I knew at the time, that what I was doing was at best, in the gray area of what my wife would consider acceptable. However I was also oblivious in something that I actually thought might be acceptable, was in fact more clearly unacceptable to my wife. I am posting this knowing that all affected parties have access to and will most likely read this.

The start of this has its roots about 3 weeks back when my wife and I decided to attend a local munch that was posted on Fetlife. Once the decision was made to be involved with our current lifestyle choice, we wanted to connect with others in the fetish community. The plan was for support, learning, and camaraderie. We knew about munches, and had actually discussed going to them a couple years back, but as I wasn't comfortable with where I was at sexually, the idea was never pursued. Now that this is our chosen lifestyle, we started researching groups and found an active munch that was really convenient to our location and schedule.

There were 18 to 20 people at this munch and it was also part of a toy drive. Very diverse group, age, experience, and fetish wise. We felt at home right from the start. We actively participated in conversations and started building relationships right away. Sitting across and slightly to my left was a younger lady, relative to my 40s and closer in age to my wife. Attractive, outgoing and confident, obviously a key holder, she had a key on her necklace after all. Upon introduction, an experienced key holder who is into D/S, corporal punishment and sissy training. Being honest with myself, I was still in denial over desires to be sissy trained. We hit it off from the start, kink aside, she was the type person my wife and I would like to hang out with. She wasn't at the munch with her husband, because it was a spur of the moment decision to attend and they didn't have a babysitter. The more we learned about them as a couple, it was clear they were our type of people, i.e. Kinky geeks.

Our base social group is spread out across an area 70 miles to the north and 30 miles to the south with significant amounts of heavy traffic involved. So our interaction with our friends tends to be limited, particularly because both of us frequently work weekends, so our best times to hang out, are usually the worst times for our social group. Now we are presented with a couple astoundingly well matched to us. Part of our conversation at the munch includes a desire for mentorship, which is enthusiastically responded to. There is also a large amount of mutual attraction involved as much for my wife as myself. My experience with women is about as limited as it gets considering I'm married. I've only had one other girl that I even dated and that was 13 years prior to meeting my wife. When it comes to a woman that has a mutual attraction, my mental ages drops to that of a teenager. Outside of my wife, I've just never experienced it.

Now I'm in a situation that has me excited by all the potential outcomes. We've initiated email and chat conversations, which started out tame. With my wife's approval I shared a topless picture of her and a video clip of me being spanked and wife had clear access to all the chat logs. We've scheduled social encounters, dinner and a full family day at a local theme park. The main goal is to develop a solid friendship well in advance of any play or mentorship. These are people that we feel would make great friends without the intent of anything else happening between us. Because of the big picture though, the possible sexual relationship for everyone involved is clearly understood, but also understood to be on the back burner. My excitement though has caused me to start over sharing and in doing so I've escalated the chatting from fairly tame to clearly sexual in nature.

Because of the manner in which I started sharing, I unfairly implied a level of acceptance from my wife that she hadn't given. The discussion turned to sissy play and my reluctance came across as coyness which further served to encourage. Please keep in mind that I don't hold our new friend in any way responsible for my actions. Later that morning she gave me a task that I accepted, and in doing so initiated a D/S dynamic that I had no right to start. I accepted that task with the idea that the outcome was for my wife, the task was to use a vibrator on my cage and show the video to my wife. Where I really went wrong was my decision to invite our friend to watch through another video feed as performed the task. (The video share didn't work, but that doesn't excuse the intent.) After completion of the video, I realized what I had done, at the minimum pushed the allowable envelope to the breaking point, if not altogether. Going further, I asked our friend to essentially craft a scenario for my wife and I to follow that night. This was the situation that I actually thought was more acceptable and which I now understand my wife considered the biggest transgression. In this action I ceded her control of the situation without her permission.

When my wife got home from work, I said we had some things to talk about. I explained the events of the day and where I thought I went wrong and she gave me her thoughts on what I did wrong. She also viewed the logs of our chats. (There has never been any intent to coverup or withhold knowledge of my actions.) Until she explained her view point, I didn't really comprehend how irresponsible I had been. The level of embarrassment that I felt was clear because my ears were glowing. It's to my wife's credit that she was as reasonable about what happened as she was. She could have very easily decided not to pursue developing a relationship with this couple because of my mistakes. Instead she accepted the situation as me being very excited about having new friends and exploring areas of my life that I had never been able to explore before. She knows that once I commit and get excited about something new, I go all in and miss many of the secondary considerations. She recognized that my behavior was very much like when I first met her.

After we came to terms with my actions, we contacted our friend and set up a group chat that everyone was involved with, me and my wife, our friend and her husband. This is to be our primary means of communication so that everyone is aware of what is going on. We are keeping the chat pg until everyone is comfortable before we progress any further.

Everyone that is involved with the chastity lifestyle lives their own version of it. Ours is one of control, not denial. The overwhelming idea behind my chastity is for my wife to be involved with and have control of my orgasms. We are also practicing a form of domestic discipline, in that I am taking responsibility for most of the household chores and asking her to actively hold me to my commitments. She still hasn't developed the ability to discipline through spanking/beating/ whipping what have you, as I am starting to realize I have masochistic tendencies and in my opinion she is overly concerned with hurting me. I can't fault her for erring on the side of safety, much better that, than a disregard for my safety. To this extent, I called a stop and said that we were not going to do our normal nightly spanking. Despite her being calm and appearing in control, I know I seriously disappointed her with my actions and this was not the proper time for her to experiment with an escalated spanking. It worried me that I might present her with an opportunity to do something in the heat of the moment that she would later regret. If we decide on a spanking tonight though, I will gladly accept it. I have also given up control of my back-up key to my cage. I only expect release for upcoming medical appointments and procedures. Last night, her disappointment in me, was a more cutting punishment than any beating could possibly cause. I was closer to tears for my failures than any punishment has ever caused me to be.