Just tell them

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Mr_anonymous, Apr 15, 2024.

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  1. Mr_anonymous
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    Mr_anonymous Long term member

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    Seems there are endless posts almost daily about she doesn't know. I want x,y,z to happen. None of that will happen until you give the balls a tug and have what will most likely be an awkward embarrassing at first conversation. Anyone has a kh has done it and you'll never know what happens until you have that talk. There's no secret to it, take a deep breath and be honest without being overwhelming. Not my intent to be harsh but it is the truth of the matter.
     
  2. Elfman
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    Elfman Gay werewolves & martinis

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    You must remember that -most- people who post on the internet before doing a thing are gutless and requesting affirmation to do said thing. People are unsure of themselves--that's fine--and this is where a lot of new people come for guidance and/or confidence.
     
  3. Mr_anonymous
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    Mr_anonymous Long term member

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    That's fair and I agree. No progress will be made until the conversation is had with those that matter though. I was terrified, won't lie. Now however long later I'm lucky to be out of my cage total a day a month. It all starts with that weird awkward ass conversation.
     
  4. Elfman
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    Elfman Gay werewolves & martinis

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    For me, because I'm single and looking, it starts with, "this is a thing and it's probably not going away." I don't fall into the demographic of someone long married and discovering a new kink. Rather the kink has been around all of my adult life.
     
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  5. Mr_anonymous
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    Mr_anonymous Long term member

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    Also fair but a conversation is had right. Not them grabbing your junk what's that lol
     
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  6. Elfman
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    Elfman Gay werewolves & martinis

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    OwO what's this?
     
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  7. KyDave
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    KyDave Oh, do I *ever* love Mrs. KyDave!

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    I absolutely agree. If you love and trust them, why would you want to keep secrets from them. If you don't love and trust love why are you in a relationship with them?

    Until you've had "the talk," you're just playing out a fantasy with and about yourself. Once you actually hand over the keys you're actually "doing" chastity. From there the journey can become about them instead.

    No more secrets: she'll either accept, embrace, or reject it. Either way she deserves to know -- and has he right to decide for herself. By not sharing, you're taking that away from her.
     
  8. Slave Richard
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    Slave Richard Active member

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    I don't know if it's gutt less or it's just risking everything on weather to live a lie or ask some to trust you are not a weirdo some people need a push some don't
     
  9. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    I encourage everyone to make this a really valuable thread. To not judge or criticize each other (that just makes it worse and makes people feel incapable). It can be hard...like really, really hard...to bear ones soul to a loved one. I saw a reply on a YouTube video the other day about "why would anyone want to get married". One of the most valuable reasons for marriage is to connect and be bound to someone who mirrors our own challenges and issues in life. And provides us the opportunity to grow by building trust and exposing ourselves to them (psychologically, physically, spiritually). And it's a journey that lasts a lifetime.

    For example, the dynamic of a "vanilla" wife and a "kinky" guy.,..so commonly seen here. Especially after years or decades of marriage, habits are formed, assumptions, and expectations. A "don't rock the boat" dynamic is formed that is hard to break out of. Risks are high because of kids, mutual relationships and other family, work, mutual investments and the lives people have built together. At the same time, there is an inner aching to be free...free of the issues that hold us back from really connecting and exploring and playing together. It can become a paralysis that takes extreme bravery to break out of. To overcome those assumptions and historical lack of communication, to confront our own trauma and shame, fear of rejection, etc. And we, as men, often need to be the strong masculine leaders in the relationship who can guide the relationship to that place. For example, my wife only feels safe, and safe to explore her desires and kink, when I am my true, authentic self (which in part is a playfully psychologically kinky, sexual person). This has been super scary to do...but is the only path where we can create the space to be open and play and explore our desires.

    I encourage us to discuss our own experiences and how we can really help our brothers here find their paths to healing, self expression, openness, and find a way to communicate with their desires.

    Here are my notes from my journey:
    https://www.chastitymansion.com/for...be-way-to-get-more-women-into-chastity.49979/

    Maybe it will resonate with a few guys. I haven't posted lately but will try to update soon. We are breaking into new territory and having a fun time exploring...exploring things I NEVER through we would find a common connection to do. To all the dudes out there who don't know how to bring their inner desires forward, there is hope, there is a path, you can do it!
     
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  10. Alphasub6988
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    Alphasub6988 Active member

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    lol I guess I’m not the only one who noticed these posts lately. I started a journal to kind of explain that it all starts with an awkward talk. It doesn’t take off immediately. But in the right mindset with the right person it can be beautiful and exciting!
     
  11. MVincent
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    MVincent Active member

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    Nailed it! Most of us did it at some point. Face it, women typically don’t have the idea first! Definitely a better lifestyle with your loved one involved. I honestly don’t think many are ready for what may happen next though. Our lives are changed forever, but I love it
     
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  12. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    Jaiya provides a great framework for understanding yourself and your partner, and a language to talk about desires. She's been a game changer for me to understand (and accept) my desires, kinks, etc, and articulate them.



    Instead of taking a guy fantasy-focused approach to explaining chastity, bump it up a notch and level set between both of you about what both of your desires are.
     
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  13. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    Not exactly breaking new ground here, this topic is a recurring one.

    If you have a partner for a considerable amount of time, you can make a pretty good guess on how they will react. They are either going to be curious and game for it, apprehensive but willing to try, or find the whole thing silly and too much yuck for them to handle.

    If you know it’s the last one, I wouldn’t suggest bringing it up, if you plan on staying with her. There is no point in making someone uncomfortable if you know they are unwilling to try it.

    For the most part, I believe if a spouse shares this side of himself, and asks her as a favor to try it, and that it is something important to him, they will do that favor. If you put a bunch of tinsel on it, dress it up like you are doing them a favor, or express how much better life will be for her, their reaction will be skeptical at best. They will question why you can’t be that way without a cage on your dick. If it turns out you are actually a better partner and life is better caged, they will figure that out quickly on their own.

    The bigger question is how to act after. Some people really mess it up by wanting to talk about it with them all the time. Some mess it up by begging them to unlock all the time. Some give so much advice to their partner that there isn’t a point in even holding the keys. Some escalate extremely fast without bothering to check on their partner (clothing, toys, contracts, titles, discipline etc).

    Discuss, ask as a favor, go at her pace, leave her in charge of it, and try to be a giving and loving partner.
     
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  14. Zevon
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    Zevon Long term member

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    I wonder if there is anyone on this site who does not fall into #4 sexuality type, kinky? I know. Stupid question.
     
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  15. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    I wonder this, too...I would think most fall into kinky. I am curious where people fall based on other desires. Sensual aligned to the feeling of wearing women's clothes, for example.

    The irony of chastity is that while it is in a way sexual, it's not a direct path to the sexual's desire for achieving orgasm. :)

    Chastity for me hits all the blueprints (and I am very much a shapeshifter) and I love psychological kink (power play, control, denial, sexual challenges, etc). And it's always on 24x7 so there's always some aspect of it I can tune into.
     
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  16. OrdinaryGuy
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    OrdinaryGuy Active member

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    It's fair to recognize that the majority of people on this site have had success with that approach. There may be a natural bias to that suggestion as a result.

    Although communication is essential in every relationship, the "just tell her everything at once and bear your soul as quickly as possible" technique will likely not be a successful approach for many.

    It's true that dialogue is necessary to get to the end gial, but when and how (and how often) are very important

    I think many people need to ease into just speaking openly and often in general before easing into a chastity conversation. And even then, those people may need more nuanced advice than to simply just say everything on their mind, especially when the relationship doesn't have that muscle trained.

    Sure, once you get there, say it all. Eventually. But I would still suggest patience, self control, and disciplined conversation as the path to build up to that point.
     
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  17. atxmtb
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    atxmtb Long term member

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    I think you're too harsh. I think it's important to learn about things before you just go blurting out something you might regret. This site is a place to go for more info. In fact, it is probably the single best site on the internet to learn more about chastity. And there's a ton of people ready to jump in and provide advice. If you step back and think about it. Of course someone is going to pose the question here BEFORE talking to their wife about it. If they are bringing it up to their wife, then they've a) already decided they will do it, b) already have figured out how their spouses are going to react c) already know the risks d) already decided to do it anyway. You're expecting someone to talk to their wives before posting here, yet they are posting here because they are trying to decide if they should bring it up with their wives.

    Maybe you think we talk about all our kinks and fantasies with our wives whenever we think about them. Um, no. I know I don't, and I'm very loyal, open, and honest. I KNOW my wife would not be happy to know that I fantasize about some guy (not me) with a big cock fucking her senseless. It would make her feel objectivized and degraded. I know this, in part from sites like this and people posting, in part due to my understanding of her.

    I'd suggest not making people regret asking a question here. I think they will get around to talking to their wives about it if they decide they want to go forward.
     
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  18. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    I agree...at least in some cases. Create the safe environment and framework for discussing desires, kinks and fantasies. I think it's much easier to show up as two adults having a respectful, consensual conversation than trying to project a fantasy onto someone and trying to address assumptions we might have about how they are going to receive it. That's a mess...been there, done it plenty of times myself. :)

    But those are often the tools we are starting with and we don't know another way to approach it. We assume our partner isn't interested, and then it becomes a self fulfilling situation when we show up wearing a cage out of the blue and wonder why she didn't already understand it and embrace it with open arms.

    I think, take the angle that it's a conversation that MUST happen, because desires don't usually just go away. They amplify and go into their shadow attributes when suppressed too long.

    Given the conversation must happen, go about it with honesty, integrity, and respect for the other person. That looks more like "I have a desire I want to share with you, are you able and willing to be open minded and listen?" Then..."I want to try this, what do you need from me in order to try it with me", etc, etc.

    I think it's perfectly possible to end up with a dom partner who is all in on chastity and really feel the experience even though it was fully negotiated and consensual. In fact, it will likely work out better because we're not lying in bed wondering if she'll ever figure out that teasing, pegging, whatever our desire is, is going to bring me even closer to them and I get to be my authentic self (whew, I finally get to be and express ME). If we don't express it, we just live a life of resentment and distrust.
     
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  19. Mr_anonymous
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    Mr_anonymous Long term member

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    However you approach the conversation it needs to be had. Asking questions here whatever is great but it doesn't initiate anything where it matters. I see people here self locking for weeks haven't talked to their partners. What's going to happen to when they try to initiate sex grab a handful of cage. The conversation is ruined before you even get to have it.
     
  20. MrPickle
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    MrPickle Active member

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    #20 MrPickle, Apr 17, 2024
    Last edited: Apr 17, 2024
    Ah.! Now then.. I just kind of lied and tricked my way into this.
    I knew having the talk was pointless. I've had so many dead end talks.
    Although it did eventually end up with my being locked.. For nearly five years now.
    It was a bad idea. It didn't work of course. It caused confusion and upset. I regretted this and on hindsite I know there was a better way.
    But not by writing or talking. Some wives can't listen to this, will not listen. Not if it's about a kink, a penis, a "great idea". No. Wouldn't have got to first base.
    Today I could have that talk and be confident in what I was saying. I know a whole lot more real stuff now.
    I made a caption that I wish is had then. Actually I've made a few, that Try to capture the romantic side of chastity. That is afterall what most wives want. Romance.
    I can talk to my wife about romance and passion all day long. Passion is a great word. It sums us up in so many ways.
    Maybe I'd have been able to talk with this in mind?

    Anyway. What is done can not be undone.

    Sorry my beautiful wife. You deserved better. Now you have that.
     

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