It's complicated

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  1. Panda2010
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    Panda2010 There's a fine line between pleasure and pain

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    It's complicated

    But where to begin?


    Background
    My wife and I met in 2006 and have 2 kids, who will turn 12 and 10 in the 2nd half of 2023. I have turned 63, so I wasn't a spring chicken when I first met my wife or when we first had kids, let alone now. Before kids we had a very active sex life and had a number of threesomes with other guys as well as a foursome with another couple. But, for a really long time after having kids my wife wasn’t into having sex.

    In about 2017 I discovered the Chastity Mansion site and eventually talked to her about chastity, primarily as a means me not pestering her for sex when she wasn’t ready. Also, there was a bit too much of ‘me and my hand’ going on. Chastity didn’t really take hold. Partly because for her it was "if that is what you want to do, then do it". And a big part was that I could never get something that was comfortable to wear for more than a few days. So even if she was more into it, holding the key wasn’t going to work for practical purposes.

    Sometime back then both of us also started drinking way too much. Our youngest child still needed one of us to stay with them to go to sleep (pretty much still does). So quite often one of us (whoever’s turn it was) ended up crashing out when putting our child to bed. Not exactly conducive to a good sex life between me and my wife.


    The pandemic years
    The pandemic wreaked havoc with so many people in so many ways. But we have had a few extras issues thrown in.

    In May 2020 (so pretty much exactly 3 years ago from when I am writing this) my wife broke her ankle. She was in hospital for about a week and then couldn’t bear any weight on the ankle for about 6 weeks or so. I had hoped that this period would deliver a bit of a silver lining in that the enforced break from drinking wine would be a bit of a circuit breaker. But no. As soon as she finished taking the kick-ass pain killers she was at me to get wine. To keep the peace I caved in and got the wine on a regular basis. For my part, I didn’t have any wine while she was in hospital or on painkillers at home. But of course I joined in when we started drinking again.

    While my wife was still only partially recovered from the broken ankle I suffered a major flare-up of a pre-existing bowel condition (that I have had for 40 years with no prior complications). I ended up in hospital on drips for 10 days in August 2020. During this time my wife was barely able to hobble around on crutches to look after the kids and herself. How she managed I don't know.

    At the time I really thought they would have to take my large bowel out. We even discussed with my gastroenterologist and the registrar at the hospital whether I should have a consult with a surgeon. But it didn’t come to that. Things (particularly my electrolytes) stabilised while I was in hospital. But my condition was nowhere near back to normal by the time I was released. It took ages after getting out of hospital for my new treatment (including an infusion every 2 months) to kick in and get things under control.

    This period was very hard on my wife and she started drinking even more. In the meantime I wasn’t drinking as I was trying to get my bowel condition under control.

    In early 2021 my wife got horny again, for really the first time in 10 years. By this time I was more or less ok and started having some wine with her. So we had quite a bit of sex and, between lockdowns we even had a few threesomes with one guy and a foursome (partner swap but different rooms) with another couple. My wife liked the sex with the guy in the 3some, but the guy in the 4some didn’t do much for her (which I only found out recently). Meanwhile, I had stage fright and couldn’t get it up, but kissing and licking the other woman was really nice.

    But we soon fell back into too much wine and my wife pretty much passing out drunk each night before we did much between the sheets.

    Fast forward to April 2022. I noticed a swelling in my groin. Over the next 6 weeks or so I had a few ultrasounds, caught covid for the first time and I had a biopsy on my lymph nodes the day after I came out of covid isolation. In early July 2022 I was diagnosed with Hodgkins Lympoma and started chemo a few weeks later. Chemo finished in January 2023, and just last week a scan showed I was all clear. So that bit is excellent news.

    Chemo wasn’t great on me, feeling sick in the days after it and only just feeling better a few days before the next dose. But it did the job. While I was on chemo we couldn’t risk having sex, or even kiss, in case I transferred some of the chemo drugs to my wife. So our sex life took another dive.

    Again, my wife had to hold everything together during the time I was doing chemo. And it was really tough on her. I keep telling her she did a great job. But I am not sure she believes it.

    I have been feeling much better since finishing chemo over 4 months ago. The best I have felt for the last three years. So I am now trying to take on more of the household stuff. While I was on chemo I still did washing and dishes but my wife did pretty much everything else.

    Open Relationship
    You probably didn’t quite see this topic coming.

    A while after we my last chemo we started having sex again. A little while after that (April 2023) my wife suggested we start an open relationship. She said that she didn’t think either of us was built to be monogamous. I think she is on the money there. We also talked about life being too short so we should make the most of it and have fun while we can. This last bit was prompted in no small part to my health issues over the last 3 years. So after a while discussing it we agreed to start an open relationship. Either of us can play with whoever we want to play with as long as we let the other person know (and the logistics for looking after the kids work out). However, we haven’t totally ruled out playing as a couple.

    As it turns out we were booked in a family holiday in late April 2023, but work commitments meant my wife couldn’t go with us. Even before we talked about an open relationship I confirmed that I would still take the 2 kids with me if she had to stay at home. After talking about the open relationship, this seemed like a perfect opportunity to get the ball rolling.

    By the time the kids and I had left (on a Saturday) there didn’t seem to be any prospect of her meeting up with someone while we were away. But on the following Wednesday, I received a text msg saying she was thinking about meeting up with a guy who was in town the Thursday and Friday nights and what did I think. I said meet up with him and if you click go for it on both nights (but bail out if it didn't seem right). So she met him and played with him 2 nights running! And I think she will want to catch up with him again. This guy lives in Melbourne, Australia, about a 3+ hour drive from our town. So, if this works out into the future it will probably be a semi-regular thing at best, depending on when he comes to town or when she can get to Melbourne for work.

    Since the kids and I have been back from our holiday, my wife and I have spoken a bit more about how things might work out. She can see whoever she wants to see. We have discussed that it probably would be useful to have one or more guys that she plays with regularly rather than a series of one-night stands. But ultimately that is up to her. With meeting new guys, after she has had the 'break the ice' drink, she just needs to text me a thumbs up if she is going to play (so won't be home for a while) and a thumbs down if it didn’t work out (and she will be home soon).

    We thought she was going to catch up with someone from out-of-town last weekend for a drink and maybe a play. But after some initial (promising) exchanges, he didn’t get back in touch with her and so it didn’t happen. His loss.

    As I mentioned way up earlier, being caged has never been more than a short-term thing for me. But, in addition to knowing that she is playing with someone, I also want to be caged while she is out playing (with her having the key – I can cope with 12 or so hours at a time at the moment). And when she gets back home she might tell me a little bit about what went on...

    As I didn’t know anything was going to happen while kids and I were away, I didn’t think of taking a cage with me. But we will have that sorted for next time she plays.

    As for me, I had hoped to meet up with an out-of-town couple last weekend (a different day to my wife's possible meet). But that had to be postponed for a few weeks. Whether a future meet up will be just for coffee/drinks to break the ice or whether it will move on to playing straight after the meet up remains to be seen. But my wife wants to make sure I can play with others as well.

    I also joined Fetlife a few weeks ago (wife had already joined) and we hope to get to the Munch that is coming up in June. Meet a few locals into a bit of kinky stuff.

    Alcohol
    As mentioned a few times, alcohol has been stuffing us up. My wife finally admitted a week ago that she is an alcoholic and needs help. Who knows why I am not in the same boat - however I can easily go weeks or months without touching it. Which is fortunate for me as going through 2 different treatments/recoveries over the last 3 years would have been much more difficult if I was addicted to alcohol.

    Apparently my wife has been seeing a counsellor since before Christmas, partly to address her feelings of not coping while I was doing chemo, but more recently some sh!t that has been going on at work. I am hoping she will discuss the drinking at those counselling sessions as well. Meanwhile we are going to try to gradually reduce the amount of wine we have, and I will be in charge of getting it. We aren't attempting to go cold turkey at this point, but we might have to do that at some stage. One habit we want to try to break is her going into a bottle shop (as we call them in Australia) after work every day. She has to go past at least 2 bottle shops on her way home every day. Late in the day after work the temptation for her has been too great. So if I can at least take that habit away it might be of some help. This might not be the recommended approach, but until she has some professional counselling that might be the best we can do.

    Hopefully we can get to the point of her not crashing out drunk 2 hours after she gets home from work. Last night she did really well. No wine at all! Tonight was the first night of me buying the wine. A reduced amount seemed to go ok.

    I probably will need some counselling/ideas/plans to help me help her. But we will work that through as she gets into some counselling. It might very well involve couples counselling, which I have suggested a few times (I even got us a referral to a counsellor a few years back, but my wife wasn't interested back then). Hopefully we will go that way after she has a few more private sessions.

    The way ahead
    Lots of work to do. Some may say jumping into an open relationship at this time might not be the best idea. Ideally we would sort the alcohol stuff out first and then get our own sex life back in order before we embarked on an open relationship. And I can totally see that point of view. And it might be right. But I would say, sometimes the time picks you, you don't pick the time.

    We are where we are, and we will give this a red hot go.
     
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  2. LesterBallard
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    LesterBallard Long term member

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    Good luck with it
     
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  3. Panda2010
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    Panda2010 There's a fine line between pleasure and pain

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    Have now had 3 nights of either zero or reduced alcohol intake. Has been going well.

    Last night my wife and I talked a fair bit about our open relationship and some of the guys she has been chatting with that sound promising.

    When we went to bed I was able to use my fingers and tongue on her pussy for ages while I was locked. Being locked was my call. I wanted to let her know that this was about her and she didn't need to do anything with me.

    For the first time I managed to give her an orgasm by stimulating her G-spot. She has been using a Lovensense Lush 3 for a little while and given herself some orgasms that way. So she has been able to work out the spot I need to focus on. And last night it worked without any toys. I told her I can do that for her any time she likes.
     
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  4. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    It seems a very difficult situation with all the health problems you've gone through and with her (and your) issues with drinking. In all honesty, she needs to address that alcohol issue -- she's not going to be able to manage an open marriage and, especially, two kids with all this going on. Good luck, I'll be following this thread.
     
  5. madams-sissysub
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    Thanks for sharing, and good luck.
     
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