Forgive me for lack of jargon but I am a women in a very new chastity relationship and just discovered this site (which could be my new best friend, I hope!). Long story short - my partner and I have just entered into a chastity relationship, at his suggestion. This follows a very rocky year (won’t bore you with it here/yet) But we had played with dom/sub and chastity at the start of our relationship 5 years ago (his request, again) but hadn’t quite got it right and it all fell by the wayside with day to day drudgery. However, back into these roles now, I have an open mind and am on a steep learning curve. But after less than a week in chastity (which seemed to be working for both of us, even though very early days), he has had to dash to his daughter’s hospital bedside where she is very ill. He is out of chastity, as he requested his CB be removed because it pinched badly on long drives. Perhaps my mistake as a new keyholder, my default is to say “of course, if it hurts, I’ll take it off”. (Lucy Fairbourne’s book arrives tomorrow by the way so I hope that can help me personally). BUT – neither of us knows quite what to do in this circumstance. Of course he must be near his daughter. But he has been distant and sharp with me on the phone since he left and is obviously pre-oocupied with her wellbeing as he drives back and forth between the hospital, deals with consultants and gets his 'dad' head on. He is likely to be there for another week at least. Do we put everything on hold? When he comes back briefly for fresh clothes do I put the CB back on? Do I raise the issue of his tone and lack of concern for me (in the aftermath of the UK storm!) in the middle of this or are all bets off, so to speak, until his daughter gets the all clear and we can get back to some sort of new normality? Any insight gratefully received. Thanks all x
Hi Newbiegirl. You and your partner need only do what feels best for you. By way of advice, if I was your partner and I asked to be released to tend to my daughter, it would have absolutely nothing to do with wanting or not wanting any further chastity. Especially since you are just getting started, take it all very slowly. When this circumstance with his daughter passes (which btw I hope it's nothing serious), since he is the one who asked for chastity in the first place, he will ask for it again if he wants to continue. If you were in a more established chastity relationship, you would have a better feel for all this. But since you're new, just go with your gut. Be supportive of his role as father, allow for his tone of voice to be related to stress, and talk about it all when you have some quiet time together. Real life gets in the way of fantasy all the time! ~Darling
Darling has a good comment there "Real life gets in the way of fantasy all the time!" Don't assume you did anything wrong or that anything needs to change given the circumstances. Good open communication may help the whole situation out. Talk to him, but do not be confrontational. If you were enjoying the chastity lifestyle then maybe gently suggest it when things have calmed down a bit, rather then wait for him to bring it up again. Doing so might, and I emphasis might, create a dialogue for the two of you and help him to feel that this is something you actively want as well. No matter what, health and well being of all parties involved is paramount.
Thank you so much to Darling and janders6. I wondered when/if I'd get a reply and kept hitting refresh after my post (though now appreciate that replies can come hours, days, even months later!). Your responses were supportive, kind, wise and succinct. She will be ok (I've just heard) but will need treatment and hospitalisation for a while, so our chastity situation remains somewhat in limbo for several weeks and my gut (and your advice) suggests that I can gently raise it when he next comes home, but we may not get completely back on track until this incident has passed. So thank you x
All the advice given was spot on and being as you are both still new to this you reacted in a very sensible and supportive manner which i am sure once everything settles down he will come to recognise and thank you for, however when the dust has settled just be sure to have made a mental note of what occurred and when and once things are back in place (so to speak) gently explain to him the times he reacted or spoke a little less poiltely than you felt he should have even under the circumstances. If he is anything like me he will be so keen to be back under your control he will accept the criticism and probably remember not to do it again, oh and just give him a little taste of your displeasure as a warning just in case! Hope all goes smoothly just be firm when needed. slave stroppy
Thanks slave stroppy. I gently raised the issue of minor misdemeanours over the last few days (no details) when we spoke earlier. I think he is too raw to react appropriately. He said he had tunnel vision re his daughter (understandable) so we aren't there yet. And maybe I should just keep my gob shut for the time being?! But advice, thoughts, experiences on this forum are helping me (and probably him no doubt, even though he is absent mentally) Thanks again x
Hi, If your husband was a little rude with you over the phone, I would excuse it and move on, not even mention it. Under the circumstances, I'm sure he was very upset and having to deal with the medical profession and insurance companies will make anyone crazy and angry. Add to that the fear of something bad happening to his daughter and you've got a very stressful situation. As said, sometimes life gets in the way and you have the switch off until things settle down. At that point I think everything will return to where it was before.
I like what janders6 said "gently suggest it when things have calmed down a bit, rather then wait for him to bring it up again. Doing so might, and I emphasis might, create a dialogue for the two of you and help him to feel that this is something you actively want as well." This is a great point - if YOU bring it up, it will send the immediate message that you're interested in picking up where you left off and will be wonderfully exciting for him. When the time is right, of course. Not knowing you or your husband, you'll have to be the one to decide when that 'right time' is. But when it comes, you'll likely know, and you can go from there. ~Darling
All great advice again however i do disagree slightly with dboy in his thought of excuse it and move on and not mention it, for this power exchange to be real and the submissive to be totally submissive he must at all times be made aware of any misdemeanours whether intentional or accidental and being able to control a reaction whether stress related or whatever is critical at all times if the Dominant partner is to have total respect and control. slave stroppy
I think that you should give it a break until his daughter gets the all clear and you can get back to some sort of normality. Otherwise forcing him to wear an ill fitting device or one that he's not adjusted to during this time of duress will not help your D&S relationship get off to a good start. Welcome to CM by the way!
As a noob to all this, I can't help but wonder if what you describe is more characteristic of a 'mature' D/s relationship? Since Newbiegirl and her partner are just getting started, shouldn't a little learning curve be applied? Of course, only they know what should and shouldn't be tolerated.
I too think you should forget about the past and look to the future. I think it would be great if you brought up the subject of locking him back up before he asks you. That way your partner knows your into it as much as he is. But don't try to run before you can walk. With luck you've got many years of fun ahead of you, so a week or two now will make very little difference. That's my 2 pence worth. Please keep us posted on how you get on.
You need to let things settle back to the life before the incident. Then talk about his device and refitting to 'start again'. Any device that is not properly adjusted will be less than ideal to be trapped in for a working day away from home. Perhaps his chastity needs to be settled around the house first, so that he can get used to being 'unavailable' to his own whims and desires. Whilst you preen and pout to tease him sufficient to get some desire and need built up. take you time and build on it day by day just as you did when starting your married life or a new job etc. The situation may be different but the principles remain the same...
Thanks to all for the advice. Sounds like some common suggestions here so it’s encouraging that those far more experienced are of similar views. He is back this afternoon and has said several times since away that he’s looking forward to getting back into chastity. So that's a positive. I have a small list of behaviours generally that I'm not happy with, despite these current circumstances, and I’m reading everything I can as I haven’t really worked out a punishment structure yet. But I have a long list of tasks for him, including cleaning my boots. Which actually he really enjoys so clearly I should put that in the treat, rather than punishment category? I will see how it goes though and we may well end up starting again from scratch. In the meantime, I thought about the Holy Trainer which has good reviews so more research for me. Hang on – No - he can do that, whilst I have a long soak in the bath with a glass of fizz. Goodness - so much to learn. x