Excited about my journey, unsure of a few things.

Hello Everyone, I am so happy to have found such an open, down to earth place to share and learn about chastity experiences!

background:

I am in a commited relationship of 11yrs. He is the first man t bring me to orgasim, and make me feel safe, and loved. He has always taken the lead in our sex life, however he has a problem with premature ejaculation. he was always considerate enough to make me cum with his mouth or hands most times before he came. I however always have been shy, as the years go by, I am comming more and more out of my shell and realising that I need more than vanilla sex to get me off, not all the time, just to spice it up.

Now:
He came out with this idea of the male chasitiy devices, something I had NO IDEA existed untill a month ago, he was very informed and had years of fantisy to go by. keep in mind, I love being spanked while he fucks me, I loved to be tied, fucked, and used to his every whim. now he wants the tables turned. I have had him in the cb3000 for a few days, (he is loving it, but starting to ask to release and cum, but I am not ready, Im enjoying the attention) we have set out simple rules for him, and I find that he is pushing and breaking them on purpose! He is turned on by harsh punishments: the idea of, flogging, paddles, me fucking him with a strap on, etc. Now I am having trouble carrying these out! I am just not used to being in control, and he just loves this, so do I as I have been so wet and horny for him to please me over and over again. But I know he must know his place. I had to punish him last night for his transgressions, ( I cannot during the day, we have small children) but I counted out to him each time he didnt follow his rules, and reminded him that he would pay! I had him kneel on all fours on the bedroom floor after he brought me to orgasim 4x, head down, no eye contact, as I stared down at him, my chest tightened, how could |I hit this beautifull man who is so responsive, loving and makes me feel like a goddess?! I did alternate between the paddle and the flogger making him count each strike, caressing him softly inbetween. I found it sexy, but also felt so terrible about hitting him, it almost hurts me to do this.

I am confused about how I can enjoy being in charge or him, and yet feel so much guilt, and how I can tap into the part of myself that can do this. Its so sexy, and I want to, but this guilt over using him to my advantage, then hitting him last night, him begging me to release him while he was pleasing me...ugh Im so torn. Does anyone have anything similar to my expierence, and how do you deal with these feelings? We have a great relationship, talk openly, but I feel I need advice from someone with rt expierence. Please help!?