Things are still moving slowly here, but I’m encouraged. I decided two weeks ago that I’m going to stay completely chaste on my own (honor system, no device) and see how that has an effect on my attitude. My motivation is really just to be a better husband. It’s hard without a device at this time, but so far I’ve been successful. The results are nothing short of phenomenal. My desires have completely shifted to helping her as much as possible. I’ve done all the laundry, dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, moping, make the bed every morning, change the sheets, and getting the kids to do their chores. The crazy thing is I find it strangely fulfilling event though she isn’t asking for it and rarely even acknowledges it. I’ve also been leaving her love notes all over. My only concern is falling off the wagon at some point so I know I need a device even if it’s just to self lock and let her known I won’t take it off except for emergencies or if she wants me to. I also know I need to be honest with her and tell her I’m going to do so. I’m not sure how she’ll react to that, but I’m just going to keep up what I’m doing and try to do even better. I really, really never thought that serving her even without being asked would work so we’ll for me even though it’s actualy for her. It’s like this unexpected added plus. I just hope I’m making her happy. She doesn’t tell me much, so it’s hard to know. I also don’t want to ask to often because even though I just want to be better for her, I don’t want to come off like it’s for me. She’s my world and I want her to be comfortable, stress free, and happy. Sorry for the ramble. My mind is just all over the place this morning.
So the question is, why would refraining from orgasm make you a better partner? Couldn't you have done all these nice things for your wife anyway? I know this is the sort of thing that @L-u-c-y asks all the time.
Honestly, I have no idea. I know I should anyway. Maybe it’s the distraction of the orgasms. Maybe it’s that the orgasms give me fulfillment and make me not feel the need to help her. Maybe it somehow disconnects my emotional bond with her. I don’t know. I’ve tried everything else I could think of in the past to be a better husband. Nothing has worked like this. So, I’m not sure why, but if my motivation is to be better for her and this makes me better for her, isn’t that a good thing?
I'm not saying it is or it isn't; I don't have access to your details to be able to judge that. But I would ask this - having discovered the pleasure of helping her at home, leaving her love notes, etc., would you still need chastity to continue doing these things? If so, why?
That’s a really good point. I’m kind of afraid to test it though. Something tells me there’s some kind of connection. It seems, in general, I’m able to focus better on everything. So it’s allowing or helping me to focus better on being a better spouse. Perhaps a bit of context would help. I’ve always had a “problem” with self pleasure. Sometimes to the extreme of using it to cope with every and anything. I’d even use it to just overcome boredom. It’s not like I’m a prude who thinks all masterbation for everyone is wrong, but it’s a problem for me. I don’t even want to think about how much time I’ve wasted on it. Somehow, connecting not doing that to helping her is working well. I’m not sure why, but I really don’t want to go back to how it was.
And please oh please people, tell me when my thinking is screwed up. I’m very open to any type of feedback and/or criticism.
Show me a man who hasn't masturbated out of sheer boredom! I suppose without beating a dead horse, what I'm asking is, now that you've had a 'moment of clarity', do you need the original stimulus? Imagine for a moment that you were somehow involved in a horrible freak accident in which you thought you wouldn't survive. Your thoughts turn to your wife and how much you love her. Then you manage to escape the situation unscathed; naturally you would resolve to show your wife how much you really did love her. All well and good. But would you then need to keep subjecting yourself to dangerous situations in order to keep that impetus going? Did Scrooge need 'top-up' visits from the ghosts every Xmas to remind him to 'make Mankind his business'? We're all human of course, and everybody will have good days and cranky days. You should be prepared for the day when even while being chaste, you find yourself being a little ticked off with your spouse, just like we all do. Then what? I bring this up not to challenge you personally, but to delve deeper into thinking about what's really going on. Personally, I think the whole idea that chastity makes a man more committed to his partner is a myth; people want to believe it, so they convince themselves it's really happening. All that really happens is that they use chastity as a crutch to get themselves thinking about being more attentive. Once they become more attentive, do they still need the crutch? Or does the attentiveness become self-enforcing over time? This in no way implies that chastity can't be a useful tool to get someone to a point they might not reach otherwise; but then, so are training wheels. Chastity is fun, exciting, sexy, enjoyable and can lead someone to places they might never have gone. But it's not a panacea. Its most powerful effect is not on the penis, but the brain.
“Beat a dead horse” Pun intended? I hope it’s not dead and it in no way compares to a horse. I get what you’re saying and it’s an interesting thought and point. Yes, I’ve already realized I’ll still be ticked off at here at times. I’m going to have to think more about this, I guess. Wish I had a better response, but I just don’t yet.
How about "Woah, Mule!" instead? Well as I hope you understand, I'm not trying to pick on you specifically, or sour your hopes of a better relationship with your spouse. But I think there are aspects to the situation where many men accept the myth and never look any further. Some introspection is a good idea and might allow you to get closer to your goals by seeing things more as they may truly be, rather than relying too much on the fantasy. Chastity seems to carry a lot of baggage behind it, which in many cases leads to disappointment when it fails to live up to the promises. Anyway, think it all over, enjoy being chaste and cherish your wife for who she is and what she means to you. That's more important than whether or not you fiddle with yourself.
Don’t worry, I understand you’re not picking on me and I got that the reality is by the fantasy after the first time I brought it up to her. I think it took me about a year but I’ve cone to the conclusion that this is good for me regardless of fantasy. Of course, if she still says no then I will concede because I’m much more interested in what’s right for her.
Thanks guys, I think this is a really interesting and thought provoking thread. I think different people ' do chastity' for different reasons and we all ' do it' in different ways. If we find something that works for us then that is great. Some people get off on the notion their cock is completely locked away, others like the power exchange, some use it to spice up their sex lives, others (like me) are striving for more intimacy, so it's whatever floats your boat. I walk around with a cage on that makes me feel a bit silly some of the time, but I know it helps me avoid the occasional impulse to pleasure myself and my wife seems to like having me locked so all feels good. Could I do all these things without a cage on my cock? Probably. Is this different from the fantasy I had when I got interested in chastity? Absolutely yes. But if you've found something that works for you, embrace it. Good luck with your journey.
Hey Rev, I think you're in a similar situation that I'm in so I'll share my thoughts on my situation in the hopes that it helps. My wife is currently onboard with the device and loves the housework, renewed connection, and especially the love notes. I had a big conversation with her this weekend telling her that I recognized that she was my support person for the 10 years where she had to be second fiddle to my main mistress, the Army. I told her that I wanted to focus on her from now on and be her support person. She always told me the best way to rekindle the romance fires, or even get her interested in the kinky stuff was to be more connected and be a "better husband". The trick is showing her that the chastity gets you there without making her feel like she's inadequate at making you a better, more focused husband compared to a metal or plastic "sex toy". When my wife is feeling better, she wants me to take the cage off for a day or two and see "how i do witbout it". We're in the same boat except you're trying to convince your way into the cage, i'm trying to convince my wife to keep it. Hope mh perspective helps!
While it’s unrelated to the main point of the thread...I soooo get the Army as a mistress thing. Yes, it would seem we’re in a similar situation. It’s good to know I’m not the only one.