CosmicCandi's Journal

Discussion in 'Journals and blogs' started by cosmiccandi, Nov 16, 2016.

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  1. cosmiccandi
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    cosmiccandi New member

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    Hello everybody. CosmicCandi here. I've been a member of this site for some time, and I thought I'd started a journal here previously, but I wasn't able to find it. So, let me start one now.

    I found BDSM online at age 13 in the early days of the Internet. I started off as a submissive in a chat room for several years. But, I've always had sadistic tendencies. It wasn't until numerous years later that I figured out Dominance was something I could do, and did actually enjoy. After a lot of soul searching, I've decided I'm a, switch, but here lately, I'm on a major exploration of my submissive side.

    Over the years, I've dabbled in self-imposed chastity. I started with a Curve for a (dominant) girlfriend years ago. Ultimately it was too big and clunky and I wasn't able to keep it on for any length of time at all. The next device I got was the CB-3000. It was better overall, but it ended up cutting my testes. Next I tried the Birdlocked, but ultimately it was too small for me and ripped. Next came an Exobelt device. I kept getting pinched and ultimately cut by this device as well. I got a Bon-4 and it was my go-to device for quite a while. Most recently I've bought a 3d printed Espresso, and a Chinese device similar to the Looker 02. While this Chinese device isn't without its problems, it's been my most successful device to date.

    With this Chinese device, I've been able to spend the majority of the last two years locked. It's driven me into a more submissive headspace to the point that I'm now seriously looking at a permanent chastity lifestyle, and for the right Woman to lead me. As of this writing I've been locked for 15 days 4 hours. In speaking with my current Keyholder, I will be let out at 108 days (tying my personal best) in order to get a Prince Albert piercing and order my new device, a custom Looker 01, with a PA Fixing, powder coated in RAL 5005 with the expectation that I will remain chaste during healing.

    That's the backstory. And it's not entirely complete. It's not covered any of my transition into womanhood or any other portions of my life. It's focused primarily on my chastity journey. And I hope to bring more of the same to this journal space.
     
  2. sylvana chastity
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    sylvana chastity just Syl

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    Thanks for sharing - and I think that many of us went through equal "trial-and-error"-phases (I still do, as I still can't resist when spotting a new or unique device:oops:)!
     
  3. cosmiccandi
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    cosmiccandi New member

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    So, today, using the Emlalock API I willingly offered up a year of chastity to my current Keyholder.

    Initially my lock up period was to be 16 weeks (112 days) which would have broken a personal best record. I was to be locked until my birthday at which point I'd get a PA piercing and order a new device at the same time, with the hopes that it would arrive by the time I was healed. Obviously, during my healing time, the expectation is that I remain chaste.

    Mistress told me that my Emlalock counter would continue as is if I were to remain chaste. And if that counter ever hit zero, I'd be released. If however, I was not able to remain chaste, when it came time to lock up again, the number of days I'd managed to stay chaste would be added into my current remaining time on Emlalock. For example I have been chaste for 19 days. There's over a year remaining on my Emlalock timer. Those 19 days would be added for a total of 562 days!

    I know this is going to be difficult, but the longer I stay locked, the more submissive I'm becoming, the more aroused I'm becoming, and the more I want to stay locked.

    I am still actively looking for a Keyholder and Mistress (at the urging of my current Keyholder). I've signed up at various kinky "dating" sites and I've been met with very limited success. However, I know there's somebody out there for me. And my goal is to stay chaste until and when I find Her.

    Edit: Typos and minor clarifying edits
     
  4. cosmiccandi
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    cosmiccandi New member

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    As You all know, I'm being held by a Woman in England who wants me to actively seek out a permanent Dominant.

    So, Saturday this girl was in contact with a Dominant Woman she met on a BDSM dating site. There was some contact via text and even the phone and finally on Saturday She sent me my rules. We had a Skype conversation and the first thing She had me do was remove my belt, masturbate, and cum on cam for Her. In order to be obedient to Her, I did so. But I wasn't happy about it at the time. And I especially wasn't happy about it afterward. I'd mentioned to Her previously that I was serious about chastity and was working toward permanent lockup. For Her, she wanted "full control" of my penis and felt that me cumming for Her should have deepened my submission to Her, not lessened it. I tried to explain the resetting of the sexual need but She didn't seem to understand it. So, I wished Her well in Her search for a submissive.

    I'm feeling like I may have been a bit hasty. I truly DO want to submit to the right Woman, but I'm also trying to balance my need toward permanent chastity. Because of this whole situation, My Keyholder felt I may not be as serious about permanent lockup as I've been telling Her I am. As such She's not sure I'm ready for my Prince Albert piercing. Honestly I think it was a no-win situation.

    I'm rambling now, and I'm not sure I've even explained this properly. But I do take my chastity seriously. I hope others see it. And I was obeying a prospective Dominant, even if it went against my Keyholder's wishes. That's why I feel it was a no-win scenario.

    I keep hoping I'll find my Owner. I know She's out there somewhere. When We find one another, She'll know how to keep me, and I'll be happy under Her control and guidance. Please find me soon.
     
  5. cosmiccandi
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    cosmiccandi New member

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    13 days, 3 hours, 35 minutes (longer now, as I started writing this yesterday). That's how long I've currently been locked. After the last debacle it took me a long time to lock back up again. I suppose I didn't really see the point. Especially as I've not heard from the Mistress in England in over a month.

    I'm still looking for a long-term chastity relationship and I'm not having much luck. I know my perfect match is out there somewhere, but people who seem interested quickly lose interest. I honestly don't think the problem is me. I think it's "dating over the Internet" where fakes are so prevalent. For now, I'll stay the course and keep the faith that my love will find me.
     
  6. cosmiccandi
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    cosmiccandi New member

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    UPDATE: 26 Days Chaste. Back to the point I was at before the debacle with that other Mistress happened.

    Potential love interest found. I explained that I was currently chaste, and that chastity is a part of my current lifestyle. She said that she was extremely excited by the idea. Not many things make Her instantly wet, and this was one of them. We meet this Friday for the first time ever before I leave for Indianapolis for 3 months for a coding boot-camp.

    Keeping my fingers crossed that everything goes well.
     
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  7. Steve-0
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    Steve-0 Active member

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    Good luck!
     
  8. cosmiccandi
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    cosmiccandi New member

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    It looks like it's been nearly a year since I updated my journal. And what a year it's been.

    2017 was a major year of rebuilding for me. I attended a software development boot camp from January to April of last year and graduated. I looked for work after attending that program and was finally hired as an associate instructor by the same company I graduated from. I've been largely homeless but sheltered (fortunately) as I've been looking for steady work in my new field.

    Also, I'm back on hormones from the VA and under the care of an excellent team of Doctors. My transition is finally starting to progress again. I couldn't be happier!

    I did complete a year of chastity on December 29th, 2017. Upon completion of that term, the Keyholder I'd had for that term and I decided to part ways. We're still very close friends, however.

    So, now, here I am, unlocked and searching once again for my life long partner and Keyholder. I have high hopes that 2018 will be an amazing year!
     
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