Chastity on Her Terms For Her Wants

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by Contained, Jan 31, 2022.

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  1. Contained
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    Contained Member

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    I’ve always desired that super kinky type of chastity that you seen captions made for. That kind where the female is always in the mood and always wanting pleased and the male is denied until she sees fit. Although this does occur in some relationships it is a very impractical expectation for a relationship where the female wants her pleasure mainly from sex. Over the past few weeks I have had a good look in the mirror to see what practical chastity would look like in our marriage and if that’s what I really want or not.

    Trying to push for this kinky agenda really only forces the denial on the female too and I have found that this is where a lot of the issues were created between my wife and me. She is very much a person who gets her sole pleasure from sex. Not oral, not play, not masturbation. She likes sex. In fact she has never masturbated since we have been married. Over the past few years when I was trying to get her to try chastity I was in effect telling her how we both should be granted our sexual pleasure and enjoyment (how I wanted) and it created a major disinterest with trying chastity. I wanted the things that come with this kinky chastity and thought a cage would magically drop that into our marriage. Call me dumb but this is what many people expect to happen to some extent whether they know they are or not.

    I had all but given up on this desire to try chastity in marriage and then I saw a chance to use chastity to give her something that 100% benefited her and this is when I started to really understand why she was not interested before. I will spare the details so the post comments do not take a tangent, but we are not going to be able to have sex for a number of weeks here and I thought it might be a good time to ask her again.

    Although she does not get upset or get on me about it, she dislikes the fact that I masturbate. She understands that it helps me not nag her for sex and allows me to fill my sexual cup that is quite a bit bigger than her’s, but it still bothers her. She never really told me, but thinking about it, why wouldn’t it bother her? (Ladies who are more vanilla please comment on your thoughts here).

    So I brought up chastity again with her. She was not a fan of the idea because she doesn’t like the cage a whole lot, but I talked with her. I explained that I genuinely wanted to go without pleasure while she HAS to because I know it’s not easy (especially when your partner cannot and it’s outside of everyone’s control). She was interested in this. Not from a spiteful view (if I can’t you can’t) but she was genuinely happy that I considered she would feel neglected and left out for a few months and appreciated that I noticed this and offered this. I told her though that it would not be easy and that I should use the cage. She still was not a fan but accepted my idea simply to appeal to my wants and likely so I wouldn’t ask again and again as I had before.

    So we did but a few days I had an issue where the smaller cage ring I was using rubbed and I needed to let it heal a few days and go back to my larger ring. Over the next few days I was good. I had a week or so without an O and did not want to reset the clock, but I really wanted to with her permission and help. She said no understanding that I wanted to and would have an O if I could, but only if it was with her (not just her to allow it, but it to be something for US to do). I could really see she was flattered that I turned the corner that my orgasms now were something that I saw was something for us to create and enjoy together.

    Fast forward a few more days and I was all healed up and put my cage back on leaving the keys on her nightstand. I got some time to talk with her on the subject just to confirm how she felt about things. She said that she really appreciated that I’m doing my best to not please myself without her. She said she would be very upset if I dropped the ball on that (not a going to whip me upset going back to that kinky chastity but rather genuinely hurt that I was selfish). I then asked how she felt about the Cage. She was hesitant but just came out and said, “I’m not a fan of it, but it it helps you be accountable to not ‘cheat’ by pleasing yourself I am ok with it.”

    I was shocked with her answer even though it was a completely logical response. She was totally ok with chastity that worked within our marriage. It did not change how she gets her pleasure, and it did not change how she enjoys our intimate time together. Chastity simply became to tool for US to use to help me be a better partner for her in a more intimate and emotional way. By denying myself with chastity I am making myself more of her’s so we share all of our sexual time and pleasure and am bringing more into our sexual relationship of what WE like and need vs taking it away or adding what I want. She will get pleasure how she wants and she will do so knowing that she is the only person who I share my sexual experiences and that she gets ALL of them. I do not know for certain if this will lead to more sex, but we both know that it will be better and more special for both of us. Who knows, it may lead to more things sexually for us, but I will let her add that in as she wants so they are things that WE want not what I want.

    So if you are considering introducing chastity to your partner or asking your reluctant partner again, take a deep look and who it benefits. True chastity should benefit the KH not the locked partner. If this is not the case, odds are it is not going to work or be received well. I will say as boring as what chastity is looking like it means in our marriage, I find it so special and meaningful and I truly feel I am married to a queen. I’m locked and it pleases her in a way that is special for US. What more could I ask for?

    A question to consider: If you were on a date with your KH wife who was wearing the key and the waitress saw it and asked what the key was for, would you feel proud to explain why and how it pleases you wife with your wife sitting right there?
     
  2. Chaz69
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    Chaz69 Long term member

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    If she only wants to get her pleasure from PIV sex, including chastity is going to be challenging. You mentioned that she can't have sex for a little while right now, so you're using your cage to control yourself, but what happens when that issue is done with and she can have sex again? How will you ever escape the refractory period if you're always having sex?
     
  3. Lakeman
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    Lakeman Long term member

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    Great post @Contained I think what you’ve described has been the aha moment for many couples to making chastity work.
     
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  4. Contained
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    I understand your point, but why does that matter in the situation I am in and talking about? The cage is for her to have the say on when I can so that it involves her every time. If she wants 2 times a week or once every 2 months it is her choice, it doesn’t matter. In our marriage at this time the cage is there to ensure that physical pleasure is always done together. She gets the reassurance that I’m not being selfish and I get the reminder that it’s is her choice not just mine by having the ability to please myself taken away.
     
  5. bondinchas
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    bondinchas Long term member

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    THIS:
    That's so important, and as you have discovered, when both of you understand that, the whole dynamic changes for the better, for both of you.
     
  6. sonhee
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    sonhee Long term member

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    Very enlightening post. It may not be the chastity + femdom fantasy most of us have, but it is romantic. It is not orgasm denial, just masturbation denial. You can (presumably) cum as many times as her, during PIV sex, but you will not have any fun without her. Maybe over time she gets used to the cage and will entertain your fantasies more, such as not letting you cum during sex and locking you up until next time (assuming you can control yourself during sex). I am in a similar situation as you myself, my wife doesn't like femdom and doesn't like oral sex or vibrators or even masturbation, it has to be PIV for her. I think you make some great points here.
     
  7. Contained
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    My thoughts exactly. She is the kind of person that may do that at some point, but for now we are building a good practice to build upon.
     
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  8. Rectrix
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    Rectrix Long term member

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    Great post @Contained.

    I'm always surprised that more women aren't upset at how frequently their husbands masturbate and at the effect male masturbation has on marital intimacy. When the erection and ejaculation occur only to benefit US or BOTH we husbands begin to see how closed off we've been, how masturbating gives us a special room we can visit and lock her out of, and how visiting that room alone reduces your attentiveness and awareness of her when you're with her.
     
  9. Drews
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    Drews Long term member

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    Your situation is very close to mine and we have been going at it for almost five years. What has not changed for us is she still loves PIV sex and no interest denying me because it also denies her. She loves that she is in control of when we have sex and loves it because I am always ready when she wants it. She has also said there is no way I am going to be able to masturbate again because it makes me horrible in bed and she really loves PIV when it is saved for her.
     
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  10. Chaz69
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    Chaz69 Long term member

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    I think the answer is that most people don't realize there are any negative side effects, I know I didn't. I can see it now but couldn't then.
     
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  11. true42
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    I'm pretty sure that I was aware of the obvious negative effects of masturbation. And I definitely was aware of the negative effects of cheating with other women. My sense of entitlement was pretty horrible though. But I never had a physical issue masturbating (or fucking) 1-2x a day and then coming home to have sex at night with her ... it was the emotional aspects that I was stealing from her.

    A chastity regime does seem to address the entitlement issue quite effectively. And we both like the results.
     
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  12. vanillaswirl
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    Same here - my boyfriend is more attentive to me when he hasn’t gotten himself off. I appreciate him saving himself for me.
     
  13. madams-sissysub
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    For me, chastity has always been on her terms for her wants. It was my madam who discovered male chastity, and insisted on it and enforced it to be a 24/7 condition of our FLR/BDSM life style.
     
  14. captivatedbyher
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    captivatedbyher romantic want to be

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    Contained, I think you have found what most of us really want. We get caught up in the fantasy of our wives becoming what we see in those memes, but its not what most women want nor what most men want. Will we ever find a woman who wants her husband to NOT save himself for her? Our wives seem to have the same view, mine said "if chastity is for the kink I'm not interested", but she is very interested in me saving myself for her, loves all the side effects, and understands why I need the cage.
    Yes, this is where Im at as well, I dont need her to become some sort of teasing sadistic woman. Basking in the emotions that I get from romancing/pursuing and allowing her sexual freedom in our relationship has become my satisfaction. One thing I think scares most men is the reality that if they practice chastity like you are sex will likely be far less than they want, I'm realizing my wife is a once maybe twice a month gal. Yours?

    Yes, I would be proud to explain! I'm not sure I'd be brave enough.
     
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  15. Andy88
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    When i gave up ctrl of my manhod to her n pas her d key.. it has been on her terms since then.. of how she intends our relationship, mariage.. sex life.. to b.. in d begining.. she decides when to unlock for piv with her.. im beter b ready.. whether im supose to ejaculate or retreat n subside.. its her caling.. how i shd pleasure her oraly always with d cage on.. not only on bed.. but on al aspects ard d house.. house chores, male nudity, geting things ready for her work n pleasuring her again once she returns.. Ok, shes d one making a living for d household
     
  16. Lady&sub
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    One short note (and maybe more later) but it seems that in this thread masturbation equals a full orgasm. That ofc does not have to be the case. I can both masturbate (from time to time) and save myself for her.
     
  17. Chaz69
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    Chaz69 Long term member

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    I think, for most of us, the term "masturbation" means bringing yourself to a full orgasm. I take it from your post, you're referring to playing with yourself but not doing it long enough to reach an orgasm, is that right?
     
  18. Andy88
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    Andy88 Long term member

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    i think som of us who were chronic masturbators can feel him.. its like shaking off til d edge but not close enuf for ejaculation.. its like somhow guilt feeling has crept in again.. bringing about d abrupt stop action.. n gladly discount it off a non wanking..
     
  19. enslavedbyc
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    You seem to desire what so few on this site are capable of. You appear to want to participate on her terms. Many men on this site claim they want exactly that, but what they constantly pursue is to “teach” their partners the benefits of doing chastity in a manner that meets their fantasies of chastity. Very long lockups no, PIV, constant teasing, edging etc. That or whatever their version of the chastity fantasy is.

    In summary, good for you!
     
  20. Lady&sub
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    Well, playing with your dick is masturbation - it doesn't depend on whether you have an orgasm or not. The same with penetration sex and so forth. Its a name for the act, which doesn't tell anything about how you finish - before or after an orgasm.
     
  21. cdsub2wife
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    My wife does not want me wearing a cage. I had tried several devices and I didn't like it either. We do honor system chastity together and she is all in. A cage is not going to stop you from having an orgasm if you want one. Even if you are pierced you can still cum with a vibrator. I go months without an orgasm and get tease and denial almost daily. I get my pleasure from serving my wife and using butt plugs.

    I like cross dressing, wearing small panties, wearing tight jeans and booty shorts. A cage shows a big bulge which I don't want.
     
  22. Disciplined Boyfriend
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    Yes, we've spoken about this and would be truthful. In fact we've actually answered one of our friends with the reply "it's for my chastity belt," and everyone laughed thinking I was joking.

    A
     
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  23. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    Hi all,

    I am new to the forum (will post an intro sometime soon), but just came upon this post, which resonates with my interest in chastity, connectedness with my partner, equity in relationship, etc.

    My first thought is that this sounds like what I found in Devotional Sex http://www.devotionalsex.com/

    More about meeting each others needs in the relationship (psychological, emotional, physical) than specifically FemDom/BDSM control. I agree, most women won't want to own the problem, they want a man who is dedicated them, share in pleasure, intimacy, communication, etc.

    If you're up for it, give the site a read, happy to chat more and share thoughts.
     
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