Is there someone who have felt this or am I just in the wrong place? Lately I have felt that I cant't keep up with my husbands needs and cravings. I desperately try to dominate him, but still I feel a bit that he is in control. That makes me small and bitter. I want him to tell me what he feels, but when he tells me what his fantasies are I feel obligated to make them happen. Maybe I'm acting like a child when I don't want to, for example, spank him just because he asks me to... I know I should just take the control, but I have never been the one that want's to be looked at, stand in the center of a room and everyone sees me. I have no problem beeing the KH but I have to get over the problem I have with beeing in charge I guess. I have a problem telling him this, because I think he would be really sad and disapointed when he realizes that I don't feel the same passion for the game that he does. He'll probably read this anyways, so I'll have to take the blow anyhow. I'm a really bad Domina. And not in a good way............ Any suggestions how I can get this straight?
You need to take control and think of it all as husband management. Here are my suggestions: Create a document that sets the rules. Come up with a list of violations and the punishments that go with each. This means YOU are deciding which punishments are the most effective, not him. One violation could be him "topping from the bottom." And because communication is important, he can share his urges with you during a set talk time every week. Never spank him because he wants you to. Remember, you kind of want to scare the shit out of him. Fear is part of the control play and a great motivator. For instance, if you spank him as a punishment, don't do just a little. Make what he thought to be pleasure into a real punishment. I encourage you to gain confidence from all this control. Many women say they have found dominance to be a confidence builder, something that really turned them from a meek person to a take-charge woman. Now, husband management has rewards, too. Give him a list of chores you expect to be done. Meanwhile, you can watch TV or do the computer while he is toiling away. If he completes the work on time and does the work to your expectations, perhaps give him the reward of sex. If he fails to do it on time and to expectations, add time to his chastity. Let us know how it goes!
If you have problems taking contol I would agree to 'Slave of Wife' that some rules should do the trick. Not too much as rules can be limiting, too, but some. Somthing like punishment whenever you think he is trying to get control. As for satisfying his needs I wishes that isn't a bad thing. I believe that in a healthy relationship the needs and wishes of both partners must be met, but do it your way. Do it when YOU want and the way YOU want it done. As for chores and watching TV etc.: that wil just work if it's a 24/7 relationship... A question at the end: Would you enjoy dominating him and are you shure you want to dominate him ?
Madame Domina, I think you both need to see it as a lifestyle as opposed to the 'game' you mention. Slave to Wife and Shimone's suggestions are good, establish some rules, make punishments real, have your hubby do things around the house that you really do want done. YOU make the rules!
My suggestion is to remember, the day he gave you the key, it quit being about his fantasies, and started being about yours.... You are under NO obligation to keep up with his needs and desires, he is under obligation to keep up with YOUR needs and desires. If you want "ideas", feel free to have him write down his fantasies for your review. But, you are under NO obligation to perform them. You have the keys, you have the control, you make the decisions. Now, I would suggest that you discuss (open and honest communication) this directly with your husband. I am fairly confident that he will be sad and disappointed that you are not happy!!! I would be willing to bet that if you discussed it with him, he will tell you the exact same things I said above. Being locked makes you want to please your keyholder. His fantasies are probably what he thinks would make you happy. If they are not making you happy, I am sure he would not be happy either. You both need to communicate better to ensure that YOU are comfortable and happy. Just remember, the most important thing... You are the keyholder... You should never feel obligated!!! And, you should never feel guilty for anything you want or do!!! GungaDN
Hello Madame Domina: First I must say that I am always touched at how much a woman will do for a man She truly loves. You I believe are expressing the frustrations of many women who have a man full of need to be dominated and punished. The trouble starts when one (the man) successfully involves his Wife and She then plays a catch up game trying to assess his fantasies and how to play them out. He hasbeen dreaming this studying this wanking to these fantasies for years and has them down pat. The worst outcome possible is that you feel like a failure for not being able to fullfil his antasies. The table have got to be turned here and quickly, he should not be "teaching you" how to "Domme". GungaDN said: the day he gave you the key, it quit being about his fantasies, and started being about yours.... You are under NO obligation to keep up with his needs and desires, he is under obligation to keep up with YOUR needs and desires. Exactly! If You are to really be in charge You start making him dance for you and do things for you. It doesn't start and end in the bedroom, if he wants this it has to be a two way street, oh and YOU are the driver of the car when it is in motion on that two way street. No matter what direction it is going in! Anyway, you should get even more responses. You seem like a very good wife. Best of luck to you both. subklik
If your husband is sincere, you must remember that what he really wants is to be stripped of all control, and submit totally to you. Vigilantly remind yourself that by not giving your husband what he wants you are giving him exactly what he wants. He wants and needs to suffer for your attention and affection. He knows he is not worthy of you, and your non judgmental acknowledgment of that fact--whether you believe it to be true or not--will fill him with more joy and fulfillment than a thousand sexual fantasies. If he is not sincere, if he is indeed "gaming" you, and topping from the bottom then I don't know what advice to give you. This may be acceptable to you, which is fine, but I made it clear to my husband that if I was going to fulfill his sexual fantasies, then it was going to be in the context of a "real" relationship. I have plenty of men who pay me money to fulfill their sexual fantasies, but my husband pays with complete devotion and obedience. Without that "reality" our relationship would not be real, and devoid of meaning beyond sexual gratification (his).
I thank you all for your great answers and most of all how I feel that You all care. I have talked to my hubby, and just as mentioned he had the same thoughts as you. And I who believed that he would get upset... strange how little one can guess after 18 years. We are working on a good plan for this to be a great journey for both of us, and yes. I'm holding the wheel. When we got home I told him to strip and get down on the floor. No physical punishment, yet, but tomorrow he has some chores to take care of. I know this is something I have to work with, but thanks to you I have got new hope for myself to be a real Domina! Love!!
Please keep us posted. I'm happy you're starting to find your way, as I'm sure we all are. Just remember, it's what he wants too, no matter how much he whines, no matter how frustrated he gets. Don't be afraid to make it all about what You want. His pleasure and happiness will come from pleasing you. It's cliche, but true, the more you deny him release, the more attentive he becomes to your needs and desires. Congratulations... and have fun!
With all due respect i have a few suggestions that may help....first of all i feel he is pushing to hard to fast and that never works well until you get so tierd of hearing about it you'll be ready to just give up,as in any relationship things need to be talked out,opinions taken and looked at from both sides of the fence.After everything is on the table and i agree take control but do it as it feels right for you and he to accept that as your feelings as the Mistress see's fit,their is not a rule book in the lifestyle so do it your way,slowly maybe and see what unfolds and you both may be surprised and turn this into a wonderful thing not a pain in the ass.Best of luck and Curtseys
We had a little misunderstanding yesterday. I think we both went out strong but had too high expectations on both ourselves and each other. Sometimes I wonder why it´s so hard to just tell how you feel instead of just waiting and hoping the other to understand. I think my husband, and we both, just realised that this journey is not just for me to learn how to dominate. It is just as big journey for him to not just be submitted in his fantasies and dreams, but for real. Maybe it´ll be harder on him, but I also think it made it easier for me and quite more exciting for him. I'm reading all your answers again today, because they help me on the way and make me feel better abaout myself. Thanks again!
It is definitely a Journey that will take some time. If he is really into this, what he ultimately wants is for YOU to take charge. Unfortunately, he has had years of imagining and fantasizing to dream up what he thinks that will look like. And, now your playing catch up. What I would tell him is, there is a reason everyone is always saying "be careful what you wish for". Reality seldom lives up to Fantasy. Reality is much harder than Fantasy. But, in the end (at least in my experience) reality is so much better than fantasy. A possible suggestion for you. If he has specific fantasies or scenes. Have him write them down and give them to you. In fact, make it a condition of release or even play time..... Once he gives them to you, you are under NO obligation to do anything. But, it will keep him in suspense not knowing if you will ever "use" them or not... And, it gives you ideas to use on him (ONLY if they sound like fun to you). And, remember, we are all on our separate journeys as well. We are all here to help. If you provide details on any specific issues, I would be happy to give more detailed information or possible ways to help. Example, what was your misunderstanding yesterday about? You don't have to share. But, most likely, one of us has been through the exact same thing before and would love to share what worked or didn't work... Ultimately, have fun in your journey!!!
I think the, Misunderstanding was that he had really been looking forward to certain things during our one childfree week a year. We had a good talk and then realised that we have to take it slow and just see how it goes. One thing we learned was what this "topping from the bottom" means. I didn´t know, so we read about it and it was just what my hubby had been doing, whithout knowing it. I think with this new insight we both have taking a step to a great relationship. I've taken a big step forward and he a step down It doesn't matter what one feel and think for one self. You have to talk about it with each other and with others who have been in the same place. And right now we are on the right track. I feel I'm in charge and liking it. Hopefully I have built this up during his vacation (now he has all the time in the world to do his chores)so I don't fold when everyday life kicks in after summer. I'm feeling stronger and feel I can really get this going. I even got new avatar pictures! I have to learn to be content with myself. <_<
What a super post it is so good to hear from someone who is new to all this but is keen to learn and adapt to make both of you happy. Every bit of advice given so far has been spot on and really helpful, i for one have been so guilty of these things in the past and could never understand my wifes reluctance to adapt and take part in what i yearned for. It has finally all worked out although i still make the odd mistake and forget who is in control of this relationship only to be reminded now by my more assertive wife/Goddess. Its a long journey with lots of twists and turns en-route but stick with it and take your time as it gets better the further you travel.
This thread will be helpful to my wife and I. Thank you Madame Domina for starting it and thank you to all that added to the thread. I wil bring this thread to my wifes attention because I believe we currently fall in this category. Also thank you Chastity Mansion for providing a cyber home.