I'm not sure if this will ever grow past chapter (thread) 1 or not, but I need a space to vent and log my thoughts. This is not going to be much about my day to day "journey" specifically, although I am sure that will come up plenty; but mostly I intend for this to be a place for me to talk about my successes and struggles. How I am feeling, both the good and bad. I probably won't make a new entry every day, but when I just need to vent or find support, you will be able to find me here. I have already posted an introduction where I went over my initial interaction with my wife in the Introductions In this thread so if you are curious about how this began feel free to head over there. --------------- Day 5: Today is the 5th day of lockup. My wife has the only keys to my cage, and we have not even discussed the possibility of release. I have been feeling a bit of tenderness around the base ring but it is just a low dull ache and nothing I can't manage with a small adjustment every once and a while. I have been struggling really hard with my porn addiction the last few days. Saturday night I was weak and tried gooning for a couple of hours to a few gay/sissy hypnosis videos while massaging my prostate. (Old habits die hard, and I know I am a shitty person for doing this.) I dosed up with a bottle of poppers at one point, and felt myself riding the edge for a while, but fortunately couldn't finish without stimulating my cock which was securely out of reach. After cooling down and an hour or so of blueballs I managed to get to sleep. Today I am at work and all I can think about is porn. Women's thick butts, men's throbbing cocks, the taste of cum in my mouth, fat sloppy tits, hard masculine abs. I am overwhelmed, and my cock keeps straining against its new prison. I have tried a few times to get a glass of water and just cool down, but the thoughts keep returning. I am grateful for this cage which has kept me from being able to gratify myself, but I am also cursing it. Without release it is becoming impossible to get any work done as my mind keeps drifting back to lewd thoughts. My wife deserves better, I need to be better. But I am so weak, and even though I know I want better for both of us long term, in the moment all I want is to soak my brain in fetish porn and the instant satisfaction of cumming.
Sounds like you are off to a great start. if it's any consolation, if you persevere, then you will develop much better self control and you will kick your porn habit and be a better person for it. Try to consider the insane horny thoughts and insatiable desire for porn to be a test of sheer will, which of course is something you can easily overcome. My advice would be to totally avod porn, captions, tumblr, etc. and instead, whenever you feel overwhelmed try meditating, doing pushups, having a cold shower, or going for a brisk walk.
I appreciate the motivation. I am doing my best right now to try to avoid it, but I have already slipped up once today and caught myself opening reddit out of habit. It was surreal just how much muscle memory plays into our addictions. I wasn't even intending to look at porn, I was just bored, opened the app, and boom porn. I closed it as soon as I realized what I was doing but it was so easy to just slip into that habit. I need to just log the account out so that I am not tempted any more.
Yes, and remove all triggers and avoid all places and events that might trigger you. Delete bookmarks, log out of things, ec. If you were quitting smoking you wouldn't have packs of cigs around, and you wouldn't go and hang out in a bar where everyone was smoking. Be kind to yourself, make life a little easier. We're all different but it will get easier, I promise. For extra motivation, and maybe better advice than mine, search for "nofap" and you'll find many helpful articles for people wishing to quit porn and masturbation.
Thanks for the motivation Lester. I am just over the 5 day mark now. Hoping tomorrow is just that much easier.
Hi Ashe! I've been following your posts since you returned and am rooting for you. Congrats on starting the journey, recognizing and admitting your addiction publicly, and seeking help from your wife and this community. Thise are grreat steps! Where do you see this journey taking you? What are your goals / objectives with chastity? Where would you lijje to be one year from now? In the past 16 months, I've gone from an almost emotionless, sexless marriage to the most incredible, intimate relationship with my wife. My story started out similar to yours. Chastity played a big part.
Day 7: Last night Madam let me out in the shower to clean everything up. I was starting to feel extra sore and tender so I asked her to take a look at it for me. After inspecting she agreed to let me stay out of the cage for 24-48 hours to heal. Apparently the ring had chafed a bit worse than I realized, and I have a small abrasion on the back side of my scrotum. I assured her I wouldn't play with myself no matter what, and I intend to stick to that promise. I have removed all apps from my phone that could tempt me and am making sure to spend every moment I can with someone else in the room so I don't have any chance to slip up. Hoping to get back in the cage tomorrow morning. @littleguy3 I don't know if I have any specific goals other than trying to be ready when Madam is in the mood, and trying to kill this porn addiction. Right now I want to focus on those two things first and foremost. I am hopeful that at the very least I can accomplish that, and as time moves on and the lockups become longer/more consistent there will be other benefits to our relationship. @Lazlo Toth Thank you for the positivity. I will use it to drive my my resolve. I really want to be better.
Quick Update (Sorry for the double post) Madam let me play with her tonight! No PIV, and didn't get to go down on her, but she let me use a dildo to pleasure her while I pinched and sucked on her nipples. It was so amazing, I forgot how much I love just touching her. After we finished she told me to go ahead and order a better cage since she really wants this to work. I let her pick the color and just placed an order for an HTV5 in Night Blue (With Silver Sparkles). Nub for the tube and 50mm ring. Literally shaking I am so excited right now!
Day 11: I was let out of chastity off and on between day 7 and 9 to heal, but last night I locked back up and have had no noticeable pain. However I failed myself again. I make art for a side business that I run, and as part of this on weekends I will often find myself in my office alone working late into the night. We had a date night last night but madam started her monthly. I was wound up and sexually frustrated, so when I got to a good stopping point I couldn't resist the call of sissy hypnosis. I didn't try to get off, but I did watch it for close to two hours. Before I was able to pull myself away from it I had moved on from sissy hypnosis and onto full gay porn again. I felt bad about what I did but I did feel a little accomplished for not even trying to cum the entire time. It was a moment of weakness, It shouldn't have happened and I am still fighting to make sure it doesn't again. I am going to take some solace in the fact that it was only the 2nd time in almost 2 weeks that I have looked at porn (down from 5-10 times a day), and again I didn't even try to get off to it. I just watched, but the fantasy still played in my head and the mental addiction is the hardest/worst part of this whole ordeal to begin with. Any way I needed to let you all know and make myself accountable for what happened.
Day 15: Well I have been locked again coming up on 5 days straight (no breaks for any reason what so ever. I’m not sure if my body is just finally getting used to the device or if I am going to start feeling it again soon but I have had no discomfort at all since Sunday. No tugging, no pinching, no burning, no aching. The only reminder it is still there is when I sit down to pee or start to get an erect ion. Even the erections are getting to be less and less intense as the days go by. I have also managed to avoid porn since my last slip up and have been working extra hard to keep busy. Last night when I would have normally slipped into something devious online I instead started building a model kit. It wasn’t nearly as exciting but it kept me busy and gave me a goal to work towards. I just want to say thank you again to everyone on the forums who has been so kind posting encouraging words. I am really trying to adopt this lifestyle and as hard as it has been so far I think it will get easier and easier every day that passes!
Day 17: Alright, deep breath. Today was day 7 of straight lockup. I was released for about an hour earlier just to shower and clean everything up. It was insanely stressful. Madam wasn't in the mood to monitor my release so I was on the honor system. When I unlocked the cage it took every bit of will power I had not to rub one out, and even the air brushing against my exposed member was stimulating in a way I have never felt before. I stepped in the shower and started washing off. The warm water and slick soap taunted me. I soaped up my cage and ring, and got everything feeling squeaky clean again. Then I applied some shave butter and knocked back my pubes to baby smooth skin. I applied some post shave skin care products, a bit of lotion, and locked back up. I let out a sigh of relief knowing I had managed to control myself. It is getting pretty hard to stay enthusiastic about locking up though. Madam tells me she is interested in this, that she wants to do this. But she seems to just be a passive participant. She doesn't really tease me, she hasn't shown much interest in me pleasuring her, and in general it feels like I am alone on this journey. I am not putting any pressure on her, I haven't asked her for anything. But she seems so disinterested in everything, and mostly disinterested in me. We are still VERY early into this, and things may still change. Even if they don't I probably need to be okay with that, and understand that this isn't about what I want. But, it still doesn't change how I feel in the moment.
Day 20: So Saturday night I was up late working again, and while I didn't stop to watch any porn I may have messed up just as bad or worse... I was sitting in my chair doing kegels and it started to feel REALLY good. I have practiced kegels for a long time since I heard it helps with anal and it has just become second nature at this point, however I think due to the lack of penile stimulation I have had over the last few weeks I was in a dramatically heightened state of arousal and I started to follow the pleasure. After about an hour I felt it coming on and crossed a point of no return. For the first time in my life I achieved a full blown Hands Free Orgasm. I was AMAZED at how good it felt and I didn't suffer the refractory period that normally comes with an orgasm. However, I did cum... A lot... Like way more than I have probably ever cum in my life. Looking back on it I am proud that I could achieve an honest to god HFO, but I am also really feeling shitty because it feels like I cheated the system. If I can cum from just flexing some butt muscles then what is the cage even doing. I know porn ≠ masturbation and unlike before I was thinking about my wife the whole time I was following the pleasure in my prostate. But, I still feel like I cheated the system. What do you guys think? Did I cheat? Or is this an acceptable healthy way for me to get some relief? Madam and I never explicitly said that I couldn't orgasm, but I know she has pretty much forbidden me from masturbating without her permission. Side Note: My Custom HTV5 Nub shows that it has shipped and will arrive on Wednesday. Despite this weekend's events I am still really excited!
Day 25: Wow, hard to believe I am coming up on a month of chastity so quickly. It really feels like just yesterday I gave over my keys to madam. So today I just wanted to post a quick update because my new cage came in! I was really worried that I might have messed up my measurements when I ordered the 50mm ring but it fits PERFECTLY! I can't begin to describe just how amazing a genuine HTV5 feels. No amount of reading or looking at other caged guys could prepare me for just how amazing the sensation of looking down and seeing my member completely disappear inside the nub is. I am also so happy with how it seems to suppress my erections. I am so incredibly hot right now and the normal pain that comes with straining against my old cage is completely non existent. This cage is amazing!