Greetings so this will be my second attempt at ltr chastity. been self locking off and on for 12 years, never been locked more than 14 days tho without free time. Big believer in FLR. Had a Mistress for two years (2yr contract) but she wasn’t interested in chastity play and it was low protocol (we raised her baby). Then started with someone I met online and it lasted about 3 weeks, the break was not over the chastity but over other bdsm limits that could not be agreed upon. So here I go again. I met a Mistress online. We agreed to experiment for a short time online then meet for bdsm sessions and if we match, ltr. I gave an honest self evaluation-lots if “I don’t know how I’ll respond to that”. I also started tribute of $200/mo immediately-unasked for! In my opinion if a well trained Dominant is willing to begin training with me, that’s the least I can do. we had a huge blowup on day 2 via text, mostly due to my ptsd trauma buttons getting pushed, and also do to the need to discuss limits more thoroughly. She was furious, and I gave a yellow warning twice on a stated limit violation, and asked for a phone call or termination of our agreement was imminent. Talking resolved everything-even to the point where trust from both sides was increased greatly. But she told me up front, “if you stay, you have a severe punishment coming and here is why . . . . sleep on it, let me know by morning.” Ugh! I submitted and stayed. And I have to say that’s a great learning for me. One of the biggest breakthroughs of my bdsm life. And turned out to be for Mistress as well. She shifted the punishment from strict to loving, and I melted. Probably cried more than if I had taken a caning. That whole event seems to have moved us forward to an unexpected depth early on, and a deeper understanding of the needs of the other. I feel VERY SAFE. She feels VERY SERVED. and the win wins keep rolling in. she helped me quit smoking, so I gave her my cigarette budget (unasked for). She’s got me back in the gym working out!, and she gets to have my body as a gift . I’m feeling centered and “high” right now-like day 10 (I think counting days is ridiculous-lol) have no idea if I can get through the mental stages, told Mistress that. And told her, ”please take this money in case I can’t do this!” about the $200/month tribute. I think “I don’t know if I can do this” is there for everyone, but unstated. For me, it’s just the pure submission that I love. Chastity is a form of submission I’ve never fully explored, but fantasize about. I don’t mind the physical aspects of lockup. I just ignore that at this point. And service comes easy for me-actually my greatest strength. But no sex no lust??? Yikes!!! that’s not been my mode of submission up to now. let’s see. . . I stopped watching porn on day one or two-it hurts too much I’m using a few calming meditation tracks to calm me I started lockup with two weeks vacation time so I can be available to Mistress 24/7 for bonding during my first two weeks. I’m pretty much fixated on her 24/7 right now-significantly due to chastity. But still functioning in the day to day world Just fine. I dunno what’s gonna happen or how I’ll respond. But I view failures as teachers-I don’t personalize them like most. “I am not a failure” even if I cannot do this. its just learning. I’m still a service submissive. anyway, I talk too much, time to put a gag on it for today. best regards p
Day 10: Had my first little panicky feeling last night - cage was hurting a little and couldn’t sleep is what brought that on. Listened to a meditation file. Calmed right down. Talked to Mistress about it, device wasn’t fittin properly, moved to a new device: buying custom next month. gotta say I thought what was coming when I brought it up was , “you’re fine, too bad” , but Her CARE for Her penis was intensely bonding, calming, and my reaction was almost tears. Melting . . . might be interesting for KH’s to try this whether a complaint about device is justified or not (She said mine was justified and didn’t want the penis damaged), but just think of the bonding . . .