Hi everyone. In my relationship I introduced this lifestyle to my wife. My biggest problem is topping from the bottom. I need to stop. My wife has been really forgiving with me. But now that we got the jailbird and I am locked 24/7, it has to stop. My wife and I talked about it and she would love if I could but she doesn't believe I can. Eventually I will bring up something sexual. I really want to please her and stop but its tough. How did you stop topping from the bottom?
I started out, -thinking that it was all about sex, more sex, more kinky sex, her becoming a sex animal and all... She was however nowhere near the same wavelength, and when I became more and more horny in my chastity bubble, she began to avoid close encounters..... And me? - I was trying in desperation to come up with all kinds of rituals for her to perform, locking, unlocking, inspections, supervisions, etc, etc.. to key there fire burning, - but she turned pale... and fire was about to extinguish - for good. I wanted - as You - to stop this death spiral, but it was hard! My fantasies where in for a reality check, and I was not stupid, I knew I had to let go of the fantasies, and go with the flow.... - or loose it, and maybe even her as well... I'm no hero, but fortunately I was - to my amazement - granted a helping hand, from rising submissiveness. This sudden urge to wait on her, nurse her, giving her massages , taking over house chores, and making the house need and cozy for her, took me by surprise, - and genuine surrender gradually took place, transforming me into - a hopefully ( I do my best!) very well behaved devoted worshipping sub/husband to my wife. Topping from bottom? - It was eradicated in the process! No point, no urge, just keen on picking up her desires, needs and commands. (in my opinion, there is nothing wrong with some initial guidance, to make this lifestyle blossom for both parties, but soon you will have to let go, and surrender to her needs and desires..) And What about sex? Could not be better! The intense feeling of being allowed to serve her, whenever, in more or less permanent denial, is intoxicating. And Yes, there is so much more sex , she wants more - along with many other nice things - in the air around here, then ever before.... So - give up on your fantasies, and see what's in store for you
I dont know how or what words you use, but you could try making humble suggestions. Couch any requests in the form of a humble suggestion that she can mull over and act on as she wishes. Especially if you can put it in terms of helping you to be the best you can be, so as to make her happier. "If it's out of place for me to ask then forgive me, but I wonder if you would consider doing something to help me be a better XYZABC for you, and be able to serve you better? I'm feeling that I need to have/be/experience/etc ABCXYZ and its causing me problems and preventing me from focusing as well as I'd like to on serving you..... " If that is topping from the bottom then so be it - but this thing has to work for you both. It is vitally important, of course, how you entered into chastity with her, and exactly what you offered her. Mull that over as perhaps you gave up more than you bargained for. If that needs to be re-negotiated then I suggest you think very carefully about what you want, and then think very carefully about whether your lady will be able to provide that, and how. Also you must think about what you can do for her, and this bit is just as important as that other stuff. And then choose your words with care.
its very easy really cos all you has to do is let Her tell you what to do and if you does something She don't likes then you knows not to do it again.
IMHO, people get too wound up about "topping from the bottom". BDSM is a very big tent, with room for all sorts of styles. The sort of submissive that is so devoted to servitude that his/her needs don't matter is very much in the minority. There is a big difference between (1) treating your domme as a "service top" who is just there to meet the sub's needs and (2) communicating your needs and desires. I think it unfair to label a sub who is just tryign to get his needs met as "topping from the bottom". If the couple communicates, the domme can always say no. I've been around BDSM couples for 30 years and the ones that don't communicate and meet each other's needs don't last.
@Nostromo - I see your point... But I see significant differences between BDSM and FLR/Chastity Lifestyle - along with some obvious similarities ;-) The BDSM - scene is to me- and to You - a playroom with plenty of space for exercising all kinds of scenarios, including "topping from bottom", In its experimental nature it is set to discover and unfold and tricker sexual energies in pain , restrain, humiliation sexual abuse etc.. etc.. And to really rock the boat you need for both parties : the master/mistress and the slave to enter in to a state of symbiosis. It can be a tough job to be the master, and instructions from the slave, can certainly make life easier for the challenged master/mistress. This can easily involve "topping from bottom" and many other kinds of interconnections... I will not trick myself into making too narrow boundaries for the definition of the nature of a Female Lead Relationship, but it seems to be a general pattern that symbiosis is not the holy grail in FLR. Instead it seems to be the acceptance , - supported by a significant emotional impact from release control or/and sissification or other "boosters" , of the Dommes unchallenged leadership, that somehow nails this lifestyle... In a BDSM scene you can by brute force and inflicting severe pain etc.. make the sub to obey your every command. That is after all a defining feature of BDSM. In a FLR you do not - in most cases - see the use of such heavy measures. It is within the concept of FLR that MENTAL surrender supported more or less by restraining only a tiny fraction of the subs body ( You know what I mean) is sufficient to keep the ball rolling... Being a mental thing - more or less - is an import brick in the puzzle. Even if you are in one of these "one of af kind" relationships, where You actually for e brief moment decides to switch over.... Therefore, demanding a load of rituals from the sub, - makes it difficult for this mental shift of power to take place. And as CM hold much proof of, long lists of demands and rituals presented from a sub to his "Domme to be", can surely deadly wound the FLR, - before it even gets a chance to fly.. So I would say that this constant reminder in here on CM , that topping from bottom , can be pure poison , is a "service - announcement" to all sub wannabes , - to move forward with precaution, and to take it slow in a pace that gives the Female in question - a change to define her own version of a FLR. Because HER version is THE version!.....
Thanks everyone. Since my wife and I are just starting out she is still trying to figure things out. She definitely doesn't want me constantly talking about this sending text or emails or any of it. She told me as of today it has to end. She said if it doesn't she will ignore me and if that doesn't work she will punish me. She also went on to say that if I don't submit to her punishment she is done. She told me that I wanted this for the past 4 years and I going to get it. She told me that it's her turn to be a little selfish and that's how it's going to stay if I want a happy marriage. So I guess I have no choice and I better behave! Which is fine to me. To see her being dominant after so many years is huge and I crave it!
@Blueyes But I see significant differences between BDSM and FLR/Chastity Lifestyle - along with some obvious similarities ;-) .....[/QUOTE] You make a good point, @Blueyes ... FLR is by definition a male-submissive subset of the BDSM umbrella. I can't really address FLR having not done it. Based on what I have read here, though, it seems there is a range of FLRs, some stricter, some less so. In some FLR's, it might be absolutely taboo for the guy to ask for something to satisfy a sexual need; for others, it might be acceptable to bring up though up to the wife what to do. I would also think that most women doing FLR are canny enough to recognize that even though they are in charge, it isn't all about them and the sub-hub's needs do need to get met. I'm probably getting annoying always chiming in to remind people that there is a diverse range within our kink here, but so many clueless newbies come here looking for guidance that I think it is an important point to make that there is no one "right" way to do this.
@Nostromo - spot on - and yes needs have to be met, even for poor subs;-) and You Right about the range, the diffenrent fkavors, because "sub-needs" are quite often needs for the Domme To ignore any sub needs. Lol!!!