Labels, Rules and Conformity.

Prompted from various posts on the forums I've been thinking about the needs people have to put themselves in a box and stick a label on it.

The thread on male lesbian vs sissy talks about these labels, some posters identify with the different labels and others reject them entirely. There was a very pertinent comment from kaligod "Personally, for us, terminology was/is important. In any communication agreed upon definitions are important."

It may sound like splitting hairs but I think there's an important difference between a generic label used by everyone and an agreed terminology that's understood between partners.

Humans have a propensity to want to conform, even when they believe they are rebelling or doing something different. I remember when I first worked in the US. I turned up to work in jacket and tie and was derided by my colleagues for conforming to the rules of 'The Man' and wearing his uniform. To show their non-conformity the majority of my co-workers wore jeans, t-shirt and trainers. The additional irony was that in being dressed like a 'suit' my co-workers would automatically defer to me and take my orders as if I was in charge. Without realising it they were imposing labels, obeying rules and conforming to a hierarchy of their own devising.

I have seen a lot of D/s discussions over the years where people seek to put a label on themselves and others.

It seems to be something that's especially important to newbies. I can understand that, having been there. What I don't necessarily understand are those with experience who insist on labels and rules that define the labels.

As a newbie there are conflicting emotions that you are seeking to understand. It's also likely that you're wondering if you're some kind of freak. As humans we really don't like to stand out, belonging to a group with which we can identify brings us emotional (and perhaps physical) security. The newbie questions revolve around "who am I ?" and often the rather more worrying "what am I ?"

We seek out others who have expressed similar feelings and experiences to ourselves, a light goes on and we start to put a name or label on what we feel we are. So far, so good as we begin to understand ourselves and that we're not alone.

The next stage is rather more of a trap. In saying to ourselves "I identify as a sissy because others calling themselves a sissy express similar feelings and views to how I feel." We then tend to ask "If I am to express myself as a sissy, what are the rules of being a sissy ?"

That's a dangerous question and one that can be taken advantage of. I recall my earliest experiences in a chatroom and coming across dom/mes who readily told you that you can't be a real sissy/sub/slave etc unless you obeyed the rules that they themselves would list for you. Most newbies start out with an incredible naivete due to their desire to please and obey. If you're lucky you begin to realise that these people are a crock of shit before you encounter someone really dangerous.

I know that some people love the D/s chatrooms where high protocol is required at all times. An environment where strict rules enforce conformity and labels. This sort of thing rarely translates in to a real world relationship. Even the strictest Gor relationship has to take account of real people and their personalities at some point.

One of the revelations on having a real life D/s relationship is that there's only one person you need to impress and that is your partner. Does my Mistress think of me in terms of labels ? Do I see her as a set of fantasy images with set responses ? Neither is applicable. What seems so obvious and works in an online environment is usually very wide of the mark in real life. Labels become a lazy way of understanding each other and indeed get in the way of that understanding. Yes, the real life relationship has rules, but these are not the fantasy lists of rules one sees all over the Internet. We are not joining a club we are establishing what works between the two of us. Our rules and our understanding of the terminology underpinning them is unique to us, we should not need to explain or justify our rules or terminology (labels, if you wish). Or if we do, it is only to offer insight for others without trying to state that our way is the right way.

We probably can't operate without some broad spectrum labels but they don't cover everything. For example, on here it's rather assumed that anyone in chastity is a male and a submissive. Whilst that may be largely true, it's not entirely true. Trying to define a label of sissy or male lesbian is a bit like the argument about how many angles can dance on the head of a pin.

By all means use a label as a handy shortcut, but don't let it be your full definition of yourself. Don't be tricked by a manipulator to be trapped in a box, obeying rules you don't agree with or understand in order to conform to their interpretation of that label.

When paired off and taken out of the herd every person is different, they view themselves and their relationship to the world differently from the next person. If you're a newbie exploring those vital questions of "who am I ? What am I ?" find your own answers, don't accept the answers from those who unequivocally say that they have the truth without questioning it. By really understanding yourself, when you meet the right partner you'll find it so much easier to dump all the crap you've heard. You and your partner will instinctively understand each other, create your own rules and labels that have little meaning to anyone else but yourselves.

 

Glad it made sense to you and potentially helped.

I hope your journey is a successful one. From those I've talked to it's actually quite rare to find a domme who did not initially start out as a submissive. Usually for the reasons you state that there is a societal conditioning that says female is submissive. The good news is that as such females discover themselves and realise that they are actually dominant they have experience of and empathy with the sub role.