Deep breath. And... relax. Here goes

Thanks so much! I'm very sorry for dropping out of sight for a while. It's ok, nothing bad happened. In fact lots of rather nice things, but my new job had a very difficult phase. Nothing nasty, just hard work for a while and something had to give. I should be back on this site in a week or so. In the meantime, I'm pleased to report that MyPete is climbing the walls, and Laura's partern too! xx Sal

 

Thank you for all the lovely messages! Everything's ok but I decided to take another month's break from posting. I was starting to worry that what I write here was beginning to dictate how I am with MyPete and I needed to regroup.
The past couple of months have been special and I feel I've learned a lot, about myself, not just MyPete. I'll do a proper update soon (I promise!) but one of the things I've learned is just how much more intense and exciting it is for both of us if I control his erections (both denying and encouraging!) rather than just preventing him from coming. But along with this clear realisation, there are also some confusing things. Like, for instance, I've discovered that he gets genuinely excited by the thought of not being 'big enough' or 'hard enough'. I really don't know how to play this.

Meanwhile Laura and HerPaul seem to be on a similar but different course.

I feel bad about not having updated my journal here, but I did need a break. More soon.

Sal

 

Well, I took a three month break and here I am, back again. I find writing about my experience here is helpful because it gets my mind straight, which means I can be a lot more confident with MyPete than I would otherwise be. But on the other hand, I started to find that what I suggested we do, or try, was ever so slightly affected by how I might end of describing it on this site. So I had a bit of a break but to be honest, I've missed the feedback and the confidence that I've gained here. Laura and I have become quite close again so I've had someone to talk to, but I've missed the male point of view!

I've learned a lot over the last few months. Mainly that 'routine' is a bit of a passion killer but some routines are the gifts that keep on giving, making him squirm and me feel powerful, every time. And I've discovered just how different I am from Laura in what we find attractive, and how different MyPete is from HerPaul in what works for them. I've been amazed at the differences, which of course shouldn't surprise me because we're all different, but some of it I'd never have predicted. And then the various toys and contraptions, and what to do with them - it's the mental space that matters more than anything but some of those 'bits of kit' (as myPete calls them), really do make a difference to the mindset.

I'll try and add a little colour to all this every day for the next few days - they're redoing the space I work in, which means I'm slightly less pressured than I have been.

Glad to be back. x Sal.

 

After three months of silence, I'll try to update with some snapshots of 'important moments'.

MyPete's father had a 'funny turn' back in September and he went to stay with her for a week. We agreed that because he'd be away from home, he shouldn't be caged. Before he left, he said he couldn't promise not to get hard because he didn't have complete control over that, but he did promise not to come. (Increasingly, we've been finding that it's the control over when he can get hard that's even more powerful, for both of us, than whether or not he gets to come.)

The good news was that after a brief hospital stay for observation, his mum was ok. The bad news was that as soon as he was on his own, he not only played with himself but made himself come repeatedly. I asked him point-blank when he got back and he just admitted it, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, which I suppose it was. Telling him there would be consequences, I let him stew for a couple of days. The last set of consequences (if you remember) were very effective, but were a lot of effort for me and made me feel as frustrated as him, albeit that I felt powerful too. I asked Laura for advice and she recommended the cane.

I managed the build up pretty well but I'm afraid that the act of caning itself, pretty much as last time I tried it, didn't really do it for me. I couldn't just let go and be in the moment, and I felt all I was doing was hurting him. I felt very self-conscious, so I stopped and said I'd think of something else. I like feeling in control but somehow with a cane it felt too easy and not squirmy enough. I had another think and made a little mental list of the things he finds especially difficult (anything that plays on size or performance, or being watched, measured etc) and what I missed about the last set of 'consequences' ('ordinary' sex mainly, and the feeling of being 'taken'. Bingo!

A while back we'd bought a kind of prosthetic sheath thing. It's very realistic - the same company that made the disturbingly lifelike Father Bear, Mother Bear and so on (we don't like the word 'dildo' in our house - ugh!) We'd tried the sheath once and he'd said he'd found it uncomfortable. I'd asked whether he'd meant physically or mentally and he'd been non-committal. Later I discovered that it was mainly mentally. He said it made him feel a bit useless, and I hadn't enjoyed it much either, partly because I knew he didn't like it, and partly because he hadn't learned to use it properly.

After a few days of letting him stew, we were kissing and I told him I really wanted him inside me. He immediately looked all keen like a little waggy-tailed dog. The normal pattern (perhaps every month or so) to this would be that he'd come almost immediately (I can command that pretty reliably which speeds things up, but even if I didn't command him he'd only last a minute or so) and then we would have ordinary sex a couple of hours later when he'd be desensitised and able to contain himself for longer. But this time I asked him to sit on the floor in front of me (another power trick I learned) and said I really wanted him inside me but that a consequence of his recent lack of restraint was that he couldn't be allowed to come. He suggested wearing a condom with some numbing cream, but I made a point of telling him that although that kinda works, it is a bit of an effort and he tends to go a bit soft after a while. I asked him to fetch and warm up the sheath. We call it Miskin after a company near where my dad grew up - it sounds a bit like the manufacturer of the sheath). He really didn't want to - he said again that it made him feel a bit useless, and small. I said he should have thought about that before and told him I wanted him to learn to use it really well.

This was one of those moments when the contraption really added to the mental side of things. Without ever making it explicit I wanted to play a bit with his insecurities about size and performance, the way a lot of the captions do on this site. See? I look and learn!

I watched him wrangle himself into it. It's quite a sizeable thing, (although there's not really enough room for him to be properly hard inside it) so I asked him to add some extra lube and asked him to look me in the eyes as he did that. I couldn't help gasping a little as he entered. Actually, I could have easily stopped myself but I didn't. It was odd - I didn't feel annoyed or angry about him playing with himself but I did want to punish him a bit -as if I was a teacher with a naughty schoolboy.

At first he was far too energetic and eager to please, which felt uncomfortable but with lots of guidance ([Big sigh] "I really shouldn't have to spell this out to you") he slowed right down and got the angle right, and slowed a lot more and after a while it actually felt really nice. I'd been missing the feeling of penetration and of being filled, but I also found the idea of him taking me but unable to be properly hard or to come, and with me being in complete control, more erotic than I'd imagined. Exciting! Lovely!

I asked him to do this every four or five days for a while and he got much, much better at it. I knew he found it exquisitely frustrating but on the other hand I knew he found it exciting too, largely I think because he could see how much I enjoyed the power over him. And probably he enjoys being in that mode. After a couple of weeks he asked how much longer this round of consequences would last. He said he was finding this very difficult, from the frustration but also the worry that (like in the captions) I might not want to go back to 'normal'. Poor boy. Each time when he took of Miskin and we got him back in the cage, he would spring to attention and increasingly he'd ask me how I felt about his size, to which I responded 'it's lovely, and it's mine'. One thing I've learned in the course of this chastity project of ours is that the more I really concentrate on thinking that that part of his anatomy really is mine, or at least ours, rather than his, the better everything turns out. I've found this a very difficult mind-shift and I can't do it for long at a time, but when I get into that groove, the effect is extraordinary becaue it changes all the little playful decisions I make and my attitude to them.

At the end of the consequences, (about three weeks) when we went back to other things and put Miskin aside, he said it had made him unsure of himself and hadn't been easy. I said that he must remember not to play with himself without permission. I was about to leave it at that but found myself saying, You have my permission now" and I took off his cage. I asked him to stand on a towel in front of me and play with himself for me. I made it as much like a medical exam as possible. He was very resistant but I said he hadn't been able to stop himself before, so please go ahead now. It was deliciously squirmy and a lovely feeling for me of being in control. Afterwards he said he'd felt uncomfortable but it had been very edgy and erotic. Another thing to file away...

Then a few days later, we were having a late night glass of wine, and chatting about this and that, and then about the whole chastity project, and he asked me whether we might experiement with a scenario where I would expliitly tell him that he wasn't big enough to satisfy me and that I might try saying negative things about his performance and size as 'funishments'. I clocked it but changed the subject. I've said nothing since but I'm not sure how to deal with it. Part of me likes play-acting and trying different scenarios but it's very difficult to take back words when you've said them, even in jest. He's not particularly big or small and I like the way he's built, and I feel if I say the wrong thing it'll be like the time I was about 14 or 15 and a some one I knew (a woman) mentioned my 'nice little boobs'. I was a late developer and I remember that comment to this day and I remember how upset I was. So, I'm not sure how to deal with that one.

I asked Laura but we didn't discuss it properly. She laughed and said that there's nothing wrong with Pete, which means that playing the size game is probably ok but she recommended limiting my comments to size and not performance as that can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. "Tell a man he can't get hard and he probably won't be able to!" As for size, she said "You should see Paul" (her partner, not his real name). I wasn't really sure what she meant and I asked her. I didn't get much of an answer but made a mental note to follow up.

Phew, sorry this is long. A lot of catching up to do!

More in a day or two.

Sal