This is me

Hello everybody, I've been thinking about some things I'm finding out about myself and I want to share, so now I think it's time to finally write here my introduction. I must, however, start from the beginning, which means it will be very long. I apologize in advance for that.

I am a crossdresser. Since when I was a little boy hiding from my parents to try my sister's clothes, crossdressing and gender play is the first thing that ever aroused me, and never ever I have cum in my life without figuring myself as a woman in my head, or fantasizing about being feminized to some degree.

This doesn't mean I have always actively crossdressed. I don't know why, but even as a boy I understood that I had to hide it, and I also thought that if I abstained fron doing it, maybe someday this fantasy would have passed me. Of course it didn't.

When I was about 20 years old, a powerful thought suddenly hit me: could I be trans? I was actually amazed I didn't think of it before, having spent sooo much time fantasizing about being a woman, or becoming one somehow: I had these stupid fantasies where I would become a woman, not by my own doing but from some other weird plot device. How could I not see that deep inside I wanted to be a woman and that I could actually do it if I really wanted?

Thing is, I did not really want it. Most of the time, I felt good as a man. I have been "socialized" as a male and I felt good about it. All things considered, the thought of enduring a gender reassignement therapy and all the stigma around trans people really put me off. So I stalled for a couple of years, and then I finally decided that fantasies are just fantasies, I didn't have to change sex just because I liked the idea when I was stroking myself. Really, I was just a crossdresser, dressing as a woman turned me on, and that's different than feeling that I'm living my entire life in the wrong body, as trans people are supposed to do.

Also, a very important bit about my fantasies is that I am totally and utterly submissive - this is another thing that, together with femininity, has always been part of my fantasies. Of course I found it hard to give in to my lustful girly self because she (my lustful and girly self) may as well have me become a house slave for someone's cock, which wasn't an appealing life choice, but still was my longest standing fantasy.

Ok, I thought it might come to this: I feel I have already written a lot, really taking off loads on you, and yet I haven't even touched the theme of chastity yet. I'll write more in a day of two, while I keep straightening up my thoughts. Please do let me know your impressions. Kisses! ❤

 

Thank you all for your welcomes!

What do you mean?

Good question. In short, I guess mostly men...? I'll write more about this in my follow up for sure.

 

Hi again everybody. Thank you for your welcomes, it's nice that you have a kind word for everybody! Anyway, where were we? Ah right, chastity.

I won't write a lot about chastity, I relalized it's not very important to me. I like to edge when crossdressing, and at times keep myself locked for days (even if only recently I am using a device that is proving to be up for the task), but I'm not too into the idea of giving up the keys, not seriously at least. However, this forum is the best one I have ever seen for my kind of fetishes, and it made sense to me to write here, after being an affectionate reader for so long. Thank you by the way.

I think I have an issue actually, about the lack of references around crossdressing. As a crossdresser, how should I live my life? How should I approach relationships? These are the big questions to me.

So, I have been traveling alone these days, and, away from everybody I know, crossdressing in public. At first it was hard, but then I gradually got used to it and I started to love it. I started to take selfies and pictures of my outfits, I passed from a midi skirt that made me feel more confident at first, to pulling it up as much as possible, than to short to finally a mini-skirt. I was put off by the looks of other people at first (most of them being men), but then I realized how many bi-curious men like MtF folks: I'm turning heads!

I realized that because I downloaded Grindr (which quite disappointingly has produced until now dozens of chats from drooling self-styled tops, but not one encounter still), convinced by this sissy hipno video: https://hypnotube.com/video/sissy-princess-training-pop-your-brain-16608.html. I'm linking it because it's very good honestly (also very long) and it made me reflect, because basically what is says is: you are a trans girl attracted by men. This is surely true for my lustful self (here she is again), but it's the opposite of what I have been all my life. Besides the point of me not being trans, which I already explained, men never sparkled in me any interest. I am aroused by dick pics (although I am getting quickly sick of them from Grindr) and I fantasize very often to have sex with men, but never ever with someone who I have actually met. I don't look at men on the street, but I am very interested in looking at women instead.

If I do manage to get in a date with a man (I might give it another try tomorrow), I will have managed to get further into this self-exploratory journey, but until that, I must say I quite enjoyed playing the female in flirts. I have to admit I have not been very successful with girls in my life, and I think the main reason is that I don't like to play the man's part in flirts. It's hard, and takes effort, and I don't have the libido to drive that effort, I don't feel quite myself in that role, I get tired and lack motivation. Playing the girl is a lot more fun to me, even if my date of today stood me up (dang him!), I had a lot of fun dressing up and getting ready for him, I was so excited! It's not the same when I do the hetero guy. Am I the only one? Is this a crossdresser thing? I think I'm trying to find my tribe here.

Well guys, thanks for reading. My vacation is almost finished, so I will probably put back my female clothes in the closet for a little while. I send you all hugs and kisses, and I dedicate to you all here my fiercest selfie:

(btw when I took this, a food delivery rider passed by me, and he gave me one of those cringed looks, like I was acting way too slutty... I felt that too)