My gf and I have been playing with chastity and dominance for a while now. I’ve asked her in the past to create some rules for me and if the rules aren’t followed to punish me. I have a desire to be trained by her. She has fun verbally humiliating me, pegging me, lightly spanking, slapping my balls, and other things that can be more intense in nature. Her issue comes in when it’s time to actually create rules and to punish when the rules aren’t followed. She says she doesn’t want to hurt me, and when she asked me what kind of rules and i mentioned chores, cooking, anything she wants, she says she feels like she’s my mom and it turns her off (even though she has me call her mommy?) I feel like she’s warming up to the rules portion, but if we are going to go with rules I feel like I need a fear aspect to keep me tied to those rules. Have others faced this issue and if so how did you overcome it? Or did you just drop that part of play?
The issue that you're having is simple: It's still all about you. Or as the saying goes around here: "You're topping from the bottom." Which is fine, if it's just a game that you and she are playing -- a fantasy that you are acting out. My suggestion is to give things time; don't rush this. Give her space to grow as a person, and as the leader in your relationship, and not just to be your own unpaid dominatrix-on-demand. If this doesn't sound like a reproach, then read it again. She's already let you know that your pushiness is turning something that should be fun into something that makes her feel creepy (what kind of wife wants to feel like, literally, your mom?) But with some space for her to naturally grow into more of a leadership role in your relationship, she will grow. You just have to decide if that's what you really want, or if you'd rather just have the unpaid dominatrix-on-demand.
How can I understand what you’re saying. What are some ways I can allow her to grow in that way? When I do not give suggestions she defaults to asking me what I want and when I tell her let’s do what she wants she just does things she thinks I would want so it’s very confusing sometimes
You've got to let her grow naturally. Stop trying to make her into something she might not be. If she is having fun doing all the things you described above, count your blessings instead of focusing on the things she doesn't do. You should hopefully know the things that are a chore for her around the house. Do those things for her. Do the laundry, cook, clean, etc. Try and communicate with her about those things and if she would enjoy you doing them, if you don't already. Don't expect some punishment if you forgot to wash the dishes or didn't fold the laundry though. Just do those things. Over time she might, or might not, come around. I don't have that kind of relationship with my wife that you are looking for but I do know if I keep pushing for things it is a turnoff to the whole chastity and like true42 said, makes you seem like you are topping from the bottom.
I have lots of experience on this topic, because my wife is not naturally dominant. She just loves being respected, listened to, and obeyed. And she hates being ignored or disobeyed. At some point, after we had started with chastity, and at some point when she had really triggered a submissive state in me, I realized that part of my problem was that I was making work for her, when what I really needed to do was make work for me and learn to force myself to follow through on it. Not for her thanks. Not as a game. But because that's what she deserved from me. Not for her to have to ask me to do chores, but for those chores to be done before she realized that they existed. The trash taken out before she noticed it was full. The dishes not dirty in the sink because I already did them and put them away. Her bathroom sink cleaned without her realizing that she had left it greasy grimy. The toilet cleaned before she noticed that it was getting disgusting. Her clothes cleaned, dried, folded, and put away the way she likes them folded and in the places she'd put them away herself. The TV remote handed to her instead of everything being chosen by me. A husband willing to listen to her speak about things that I normally wouldn't find at all interesting, but with care and love I do now find interesting. Her never being interrupted. Her never having to ask twice for something. Me volunteering to get up and handle whatever it is needs attention. And so on. So start by making yourself a list. A small list. Maybe two things. Maybe 10 things. Things that you can improve about yourself that she will appreciate. You probably know a few already, because she's probably told you. Focus on those for a few months, and really track your progress. Maybe she'll notice. Maybe you'll just be improving her life without her noticing. Either way ... a good thing?
Well said. I can think of a few things. I appreciate the straightforwardness and advice, I’ll give it a try
I have the same problem as you. Or so it seems … My Mistress is very much into BDSM and has eight intense years of experience in which she basically did everything one could imagine. Now we became a romantic couple and will marry soon. But she also did not define any rules for me. She said that it is for her a “beginners thing” and that she is “beyond that”. This lack of clear definition is a big problem for me. I had three Mistresses before her. None was a romantic partner. They all defined their rules for me and I was punished strictly for breaking them. They sometimes took some of the rules over from the previous Mistress and discarded some rules. All of them added their own rules to the “stack in my head”. And I must admit that all rules still sit strong in my head and I found it always hard to overcome a rule (ever) once it was anchored deep in my personality. To give you an idea about all the rules that got hammered over and over and over into my head: 1) I am not worthy to ever have sex with a woman or receive any blowjob or handjob. So I will never reveive that. 2) I am not allowed to see Mistress naked ever. 3) I am not allowed to touch Mistress ever. The only exception is her foot when it is fully covered by boots or ankle boots and only when given explicit permission. 4) I must wear a cage 24/7 and only Mistress decides when it is opened. 5) I must be in bed every day before 22:00.I am not allowed to take any electronic devices into my bed. 6) Mistresses will put her ankle boots on my nightstand. It is the only item allowed there. They must be admired every night before sleeping, but they may never be touched by me. 7) I must always wear glow in the dark nail polish on my toes. 8) I am never allowed any cloth in bed. 9) When Mistress is in the apartment and visits me, I may only move by crawling on the floor. 10) I must learn to accept that even thinking (fantasizing) about women in a sexual way is not allowed. I may only think indirectly about receiving any attention from any woman to fulfill my hunger for sexual relief. (This means I may imagine how sexy the inner sole of a shoe was stained and pressed by a womans foot, but I better do not dare imagining the foot directly. Or I may imagine the scent a woman left on a piece of cloth, but never the source of the scent. I might imagine/remember the marks that Mistresses came leave on me, but never the act of caning itself. etc. etc.) 11) One meal per day must always consist of plain salad without any sauce or tomatoes or anything. Just tasteless cheap leaves. 12) I must wear Sissy cloth three times per week for at least three hours. If I flee the cloth for any reason the attempt does not count. 13) I must stand for 15 min every day naked (wearing only my chastity cage and 18 cm super high heels) facing the corner. During that time I must think about what an unworthy pig I have been for ever even hoping to see high heels on any woman. 14) Whenever I see any woman wearing ballerina flats, I must give up any other thoughts and remember myself that is nice lady will have relaxing wonderful normal sex when she returns to her boyfriend, while I am just a disgusting pervert that will never again have sex and always will be locked up in chastity and that I would give everything for the privilege of being allowed to even lick her flat shoes. 15) Whenever I go to the toilette I must sit down to pee and when the urine flows out strong, then I must stop the flow, stop peeing, stand up, whisper the mantra “Thank you Mistress that I will never ever pee again like a normal person.”, then I may empty my bladder till 30% is left in it and repeat the routine. 16) I may never look into the eyes of my Mistress without explicit order to do so. In general my eyes must face the floor, when Mistress is around. 17) When I am allowed an orgasm, I must always wear a plug in my ass. I will never orgasm ever again without being reminded who I am by the plug. 18) I am not allowed to speak to Mistress unless she asks me a question. I must try to always answer with “Yes, Mistress” or “No, Mistress”. I may not speak loud amd must speak in a soft tone. 19) I must always wear a mask when Mistress is visiting. 20) I may never ask for an orgasm, point out how long I am already without an orgasm or do/say anything which could be interpreted as expressing my desperate wish to have an orgasm. 21) Mistress has as many lovers or sex partners or slaves or romantic partners as she wishes. 22) Mistress is the only woman in my life. I am faithful to her. 23) I am allowed to date vanilla partners with the explicit permission of Mistress. She decides if I may go on another date with that woman. I understand that these dates only serve the purpose of torturing me more by showing me what I could have, if I would not be a hopeless slave in chastity to my Mistress. 24) I am never allowed to wear black women shoes, since that is reserved for Mistress. 25) I am not allowed to gain any weight. That were my 25 rules … and they were not in place all at once, but entered my head from three Mistresses, who enforced their rules merciless. So they became part of me and were still present when the Mistress left me and I found a new Mistress. I used my mind then to “break” the older rules, if my new Mistress was not definjng that rule to be existent … BUT I never could really clean my head from those rules. They are in my mind till today. And now I have a romantic partner that is a femdom, but does nit reenforces any rules at all. Like none. This is very very confusing in my head, since those rules were there for decades. I feel completely lost now without any “weird rules that are inplace to humiliate me, torture me and put me in my place”. Geels soooooo weird.
Tell her that hurting you actually gives you pleasure. Try a scene with a safe word. Challenge her to make your use your safe word. That'll be the point when you're not enjoying it any more. A
Having you call her mommy is role-play. Fantastic if it works for both of you. Assigning chores, checking that they are done, and administering punishments, is one of the more annoying aspects of being an actual parent. It's a completely different thing. Some women like to be called "slut" or "whore" during sex. That doesn't mean they want to sleep around or exchange sex for money.
Think of it as a new rule 26: "Keep track of the rules yourselve, don't bother your mistress with it and always keep Her happy"
the thing about rules are they have to serve a greater purpose or they are just a reason to punish. first i needed an end goal. not necessarily what puck would have desired. then i had to map out the path to accomplishing our new way of living. how to eliminate those thing that will get in the way and implementing new standards that will support the new lifestyle. only then did the rules follow. this took me over a year before i ever got started and even then i had to fine tune the rules for the first few months. in the beginning i felt overwhelmed by not only trying to remember the rules but catching when they were broken and taking the time to punish in a timely manor. then berating myself for the ones i did miss or was to tired or lazy to punish. progress is hard to see. it takes time and that is a little disheartening. training and transforming puck was done in steps that took years. we are proud of what puck has become and would not want our life any other way. often here xys complain about the lack of their spouse's willingness to acquiesce to their desired lifestyle like it would be as easy as breathing because they are so willing. she may see a very different road that will take some serious commitment on her part. what you may see as a benefit may not be her desire. to give a little perspective. i never thought slavery was a good idea and it has no place in my house. i did not want someone to do all the chore i wanted spouses to do them with me. making all the decisions is a burden i do not wish to bear alone. i like a getting massage and i like giving a massage. teasing and denial is foreplay. i love piv and a lot of it. i never bought into the idea that puck.s behavior or enthusiasm would/should wane because of it and it does not. chastity is a tool of control. never thought of a sexless spouse. why would i want to be denied, settle for oral or have to look elsewhere. i have no desire for puck to be micro managed. she can be productive on her own. when i need her i will let her know. bottom line here is being dominant may mean something entirely different to your spouse than what it means to you.
As others have said, you’ve got to let her grow into her role of dominant naturally. If you’re lucky, she has it within already and she just needs time to become comfortable letting it out and not feeling guilty about it. My Wife apparently had quite a strong leaning towards being dominant and once she knew I was ok with her taking over and I truly enjoyed being submissive to her, she really blossomed. I did help foster those feelings by encouraging her with texts about how amazing she made me feel when she would do something to flex her power, and would send her different things I’d read here or some other femdom blogs that seem to be based more in reality than pure male jerkoff fantasy garbage. Some may say that’s bordering on topping or whatever, but to me it is about communicating through a transition of a power swap. As far as the punishment stuff, we’ve always played with kinks and moderate spanking would be part of that throughout our marriage. She didn’t care for it as much as I did, so when it came to spanking me to help keep me in a sub headspace, she was eager to try, but once she started she said it was tough and she didn’t want to hurt me too much. But the more practice she had, the more her confidence & dominance grew, the more she saw me truly submit to her along with those encouragement “love letter” texts, she quickly lost that guilt about the punishment aspect. She now very much enjoys that part, and knows it’s an important part at keeping our roles very clear. I’m sure as your Wife sees you doing chores and submitting to her, trying to please her, eventually it’s going to open more conversations and opportunities to bring up how you’d like to explore the punishment side of things and how it may be good for you, and possibly good for her too. But you certainly can’t force it or it won’t go well I wouldn’t think.
My wife is the same and we tried all sorts of things over the last 25 years, 12 spent locked and before that, the honor system. In the end we just did a few basic rules. 1. Sex is only for her pleasure. 2. I am to be locked at all times unless she tells me otherwise. 3. My wife decides when and if we have sex and whether I unlock for sex or not. 4. My wife has the option to play with my cock and stop before I ejaculate, let me ejaculate but ruined so I feel no pleasure (she is good at that as I have to feel around to see if I came or not), or give me a full orgasm. I am never allowed to give myself an orgasm. 5. When my wife cums or 10 minutes are up after she starts playing with my cock, my sex ends. She can have more orgasms if she wants but sex for me ends when she cums or 10 minutes are up. 6. My wife can sexually torture me with CBT and nipple clips during sex as she likes me to moan in pain as it makes her cum very fast. I am talking seconds. My wife has always been a dream sex partner because she cums fast and when she was much younger could have over 15 orgasms a night in a few hours time that is. She is very multi orgasmic and only her old age stops her after she cums twice as she cannot take it anymore, We stopped pretending she is my Mistress a long time ago, although her girlfriend insisted I call her Mistress which was fine since she was my wife's girlfriend and not my wife. The simple rules allowed us to live a chastity sex lifestyle for over two decades. When we had a lot of rules it got complicated. Then there were many changes made and we were on different versions of the rules and sometimes when you change one rule you are unaware of how it affects other rules. Chastity contracts are exciting to write but a waste of time since they read like you are telling her what to do to you when you do something. You are basically in control of what she does to you by your choice of actions. It is a you do this when I do that with you controlling what she does by your actions. If I wanted to be whipped I knew what to do to get that. If I wanted to this, I did that and so contracts are basically written by the male to define all the things he wants his keyholder to do and lists what he has to do to get her to do those things, To last long in this game, which very few do, keep it simple, keep it real and keep it confined to the bedroom and not let is take over your entire relationship. I leaned this from some hard core BDSM couples we met at our local BDSM Club when we lived in NYC. They did outrageous things at the club but when we visited them at home they were just like any other married couples. They told us to leave our fetish at the bedroom door which we have done for a few decades with success, I would be whipped bloody, kicked in the balls so hard that they swelled up and were bruised for a week. Yet, when we left the bedroom I was in charge of our poly triad as the dominant one in the triad. In the bedroom I was submissive to them but outside they were fine with me leading the triad since I made all the money and let's just say I spent my school years in classes for gifted students. As a result our marriage has lasted over 50 years despite all our fetish play, including some things most would be repelled by. Yet, as submissive as I was and am sexually, I am a very strong alpha male outside of sex and it worked for us.
Maybe to start go back and discuss your titles, if she doesn’t want to be your mom, then ask her why you should call her, and let her know what you would like to be called. I know you said it’s why she asked for but maybe it was the first thing she could think of, and didn’t like it when it was actually used.