So our situation is that we are a "Type 2" relationship as per The Secret to a Happy Marriage, meaning that even though I am locked I don't really get denied any orgasms. She can only cum through PIV (she can't cum through oral and doesn't like to use vibrators) so she unlocks me for sex and after she cums, I can cum as well. She doesn't have a high libido so wants sex maybe once a week, and I tend to get a handjob or permission to masturbate to her body once a week as well, so two orgasms for me. Now the problem is that we have two children (4 and 2) and recently they just won't go to sleep and leave us alone in the evening. With the older one it's the usual fight with a toddler who wants to stay up all night and claims he isn't tired, with the younger one the problem is that he's growing out of naps. He can't go the whole day without a nap or he will fall asleep on the dining table at 5 pm only to wake up refreshed and eager for action at 8 pm, and if we "force" him to nap earlier he will still not be tired in the evening so I end up taking him to bed around 9 pm where he will fall asleep around 10 pm. So basically we have a situation where at least one of the boys is always staying up with us and me and my wife end up sleeping in separate beds (me + 2yo, she + 4yo when he wakes up around midnight). I don't mind splitting up for co-sleeping with the children late at night after we had a child-free evening, but like this there's just no possibility of cuddling or being intimate anymore. Maybe once a week or less we get lucky and both boys are sleeping at 8 pm although we're still constantly stressed that one of them could wake up early and cry for us to come in. So because of the children we can only have sex rarely and it's never 100% relaxed because we worry about them waking up. Talking to other people, this is a problem that should disappear on its own when the children are older (our 4 year old _on its own_ wouldn't be a problem at all!). But it means I feel cock blocked by my children and I don't want to start having negative feelings towards them because of it. Last weekend I got really frustrated because it had been over a week since the last opportunity for intimacy, as in, the last time they were both asleep at the same time and in their beds, and that night the younger one was screaming bloody murder as we tried to put him to bed. I don't want to become angry at my children for cockblocking me and felt like it's an unhealthy thing to see them as my enemy in that way. I got even more frustrated as my wife didn't really get my point, as she is a person that could go a whole year without sex or masturbation if needed without feeling the need, so she's not as desperate to actually get them to sleep. Just to clarify, I don't mind not cumming but only as long as I can still please her and there is still intimacy. I don't want to be completely denied all sexuality just because of the children, so at the moment I'd rather have a quick wank once in a while if that's the only option. Otherwise it's like having a long-distance keyholder who's in a completely different timezone. Or like self-locking just that I don't have the key. So I asked my wife to unlock me and stop chastity for a while. I've been unlocked for a week now with zero opportunity for intimacy with her so far. She gives me mixed signals, for example one morning she grabbed my dick and squeezed my balls and said she preferred it accessible like that. The other time she gave me a punch in the balls and said it's my punishment for masturbating. My plan for now is to leave chastity off the table until the children go to bed more reliably and we have a few evenings per week to ourselves. Once that's the case I'd like to start again with chastity. Not sure where I'm really going with my rant. Does anyone have any advice? Or suggestions how to make chastity work in this situation? The best I could think of in terms of chastity is locking back up and she'll give me the key once in a while to masturbate in the bathroom (while she probably deals with a child that refuses to sleep). But that's not sexy at all and just sounds like extra work for her. I could also just stay locked and wait until the next sex opportunity (i.e. children sleeping) but that's not really chastity play, because there's no component of her having control (I want *her* to decide if and when I get to cum, not *the children*) or her teasing me or me pleasuring her sexually.
Honestly, didn’t get to the rest of your thread. Got stuck on this… You’re creating a rod for your own back. Set boundaries. You have your bed. The 4 year old has theirs. The 2 year old has theirs. They cry? Tough. Is there physically any issue to permit you needing to be in their bed? No. They get out of bed. You put them back in. Simple. No conversation, no soothing. That’s their bed. It’s sleep time. That’s where you go. Right now, they probably cry as they like the company. Sounds harsh, and probably not the chastity related feedback you needed… but that’s what you should do. P.s. will read the rest of your post at a later date.
I very much agree. It creates a bad dynamic that will continue and likely lead to other bad dynamics (they cry if they don't get this or that...so give them this or that). Rules, boundaries, expectations. it is loving to have these. These years are very challenging. And the more of a dynamic that gets created without good boundaries, the harder it is to recover, and then resentment sets in, etc.
I very much agree that children needs to have their own space. They will thank you in a few years time. Having said that, I cannot resist my dog’s pleading eyes and she always gets to come into the room and sleep with us in the bed. We have a crate. She is well crate-trained. But no, she sleeps with us. We just have to take her out of the room when my missus desires (and the dog would simply be happily sitting on a coach outside of our room and patiently wait for us to finish our business).
Always remember who the parents are, you and your wife. The children are taking advantage of your unwillingness to take a stand. Be firm, but gentle, and they will learn. Let them control your lives now, and they will forever control you.
Totally get it! My wife and I have three, 13, 9, and 4. We have seen the sleep patterns across the three and across thier different ages run the gambit. Personally, I am not a fan of co-sleeping. However, we've definitely had to do it with each of the three at some point time in their development. Thankfully, we've always kept it to a month or less. In the last 6 months my family has been through a lot. Our youngest ended up having night terrors through the month of December, and still wakes up crying about once a week. Do what you need to do for your family. Do what you can to prioritize intimacy. And, critically, be there for your wife no matter what she needs. Sincerely,
I think I might getting this backwards. Or you might be. If there’s little time for intercourse, why aren’t you locked MORE? In my humble opinion this is the perfect time for you to be locked. What a terrible thing sneaking off to masturbate because your wife is too busy with the kids. If it were up to me, and you DID ask, I’d keep you locked until those rare moments when your wife chooses to share her vagina with you.
My kids are now 15 and 17. There was a period from when they were born to about 5 years old that our intimate life was practically non existent. So much going on. Overall parenting exhaustion. Very little energy to be intimate at the end of the day. Hang in there. It will get better as they get older. Good luck.
You have two problems that you have combined into one. Time to split them apart so they can be addressed independently. Sex of any kind at this stage of child rearing is difficult. I give you credit to have the energy to even think about it. Getting the kids to sleep in their own beds is the most pressing challenge. It takes patience, fortitude, consistency, and time. It is a habit they need to learn. Sleeping with them does not solve the problem or set a behavior expectation, it just extends the conflict and your increases your exhaustion. If you solve the sleeping problem, the sex problem may improve with time.
this is a perfect summary & advice. I'd only add be mindful to stay aligned with your wife too, you need to be side-by-side together or the kids will exploit gaps. in the circumstances described, your dick problem is a very long way down her list for now. my GF is soft on her daughter & it makes me 'the bad guy' by comparison, she struggles to step back and see the wider picture & gives in easily on each 'isolated' incident.
My wife and I have 3 kids under age 5 and we both work full time and we toyed around with this kink for a while but she straight up told me she doesn't have time for this and would rather I just learn to cum quickly (5 minutes or less) during PIV sex to keep me satisfied. When she wants orgasms she'll ask me to make her cum. That's where we are in our sex life, which isn't the worst place to be, but it's a bit direct and lacking in sensuality I guess. Of course as a man I want to be able to "turn on" a woman and MAKE her orgasm so just giving that up and waiting for her to ask me to make her cum when she wants it is a bit of an ego blow. But I'm trying to accept it. My wife is similarly hard to please and has NEVER had an orgasm from oral sex in her life. Actually she's the most difficult woman I've ever had sexually, but I worked hard and have given her the first orgasms of her life (she claims) and many many more after that (sometimes 10+ in a session) using various tools (she needs extreme external clitoral stimulation and I combine that with various internal stimulation tools/methods). I had one woman, basically a fuck buddy, who was the opposite side of the spectrum. She would begin having orgasms almost immediately upon insertion and they just kept coming again and again. It was a big ego boost. Anyway, I guess I liked the hard case more since I married her. Most women are somewhere inbetween these two extremes. At some point the cage will come back when she has time to dedicate to the whole thing, tease and denial, tasking me, femdom aspects, etc. But right now she just doesn't have the time. You may find now is not the right time for this in your life.
Mate, if chastity isn't enhancing your relationship there is no point in doing it. I think many woman are like your wife, After 4 children, I know the above advice is easier said than done. Each are their own parent and all kids are different. When you have the personal space and they go to bed and sleep, that time will come maybe revisit it then. Your lucky your wife cares that you masturbate and doesn't want you too, my now ex wife couldn't give a shit what I did and basically told me she didn't care what I did with my dick including with other women, as long as I didn't come near her! I far prefer now being in a relationship where my partner cares about all those things and keeps her cock locked very securely for her own use only, but there has been times where we have had long breaks because it just became too much for her to think about, she always has a lot on her mind.
Well children are the most life changing things. I have to say. I dont want to sound like a teacher or so. But maybe my thoughts and explanantions help. First: you arent alone! Many parents experience this. We also have two boys. 7 and 4 now. And we really didnt have this kind of issues. Of course there were times, when the children cant sleep by their own. So they need a sleeping compagnion. Cuddling and so on. I enjoyed this time very much, because O could play a role in their lives now, and also we sometimes divided them into two seprate beds to fall asleep. I think in the age of your children it was similar in our case. BUT! There isnt a reason to stay in bed with them. Put them into their own beds after falling asleep. They will sleep there, wake up, you go there and say everything is fine. This maybe lasts 5 minutes. Calm them there. They have to learn that they are safe in their own bed and the parents are always around. If you are taking them into your beda and always cuddle with them they dodnt get this feeling. They have to rely on you as parents and on themselves. Sometimes it sounds hard when a parent hears:" Let your child scream. It has to learn to be alone." But it is really right. It is conditioning. You need your place, they need their place. You need places together. Also you can show your children when they have to sleep. We ALWAYS have had a go to bed time at 1900 to 1930. This doesnt mean they sleep then but everything stops then. No playing anymore. No TV. No eating or drinking. Nothing. A good night story and finished. Boundaries, routine. We did this from the beginning and it still works. Of course it is often a fight. Teethbrushing and dressing up can bring you the edgebof madness, but they know that the day is over now. We allowed them only one sleep in the middle of the day at around 12 o clock to refresh when they were younger. At about 3 1/2 to 4 they didnt need this sleep anymore. Sometimes they do a power nap then. No sleeping after 1300 hours anymore. So they get used to the familyrhythm and change their own. They are really tirednin the evening then. I think in the age of two it might be a bit early to do this but at 3 it should work. One napping in the middle of the day and strict sleeping times. St two maybe two naps are regular. A child of 2 needs about 13 hours and a 4 year old one about 12 hours of sleep per day. There are tables about this. Google it. Try to establish a strict but loving routine into your days and you will be able to find yourselves as a partner again. Being parents isnt easy. Good luck.
It is sometimes easier to be denied. Jokes aside, our two kids are now 9 and 6. There were some hard times but keeping certain routine helps. Older one, girl, was easy. She obeyed all set rules, boy was more difficult. But we were strict and now we have no major issues. They know how to play just with themselves, keep them occupied and we have nice bedtime routine. So we have regular time for ourselves. Of course for the first few years it was different. I spent most of that time locked because either there was no time for intimacy or she was just too exhaustes.
Kids are rough on a sex life. Sorry that you're learning the hard way. Kids are also wonderful and the best thing to ever happen. You just gotta learn to balance those highs and lows, and support your wife through the process. Good luck.
Thank you everyone for your replies. I read them all and you've been all really helpful and given me lots to think about. It's like a parenting/relationship advice forum here! I haven't quite decided what I'll do but I think the most pressing issue would be get both children to sleep in their own beds. They already do it in theory but often it's the younger one not being able to sleep due to having napped (and not being able to stay awake in the late afternoon if lacking a nap) which should solve itself with time but I'll try hard to get a better routine in and maybe skip his naps altogether and opt for a very early bedtime instead.
Our four kids are now all adults, youngest is 19 now. A little tough to remember our bedtime structure honestly, I had to be up around 3:30am for work, but we still made time almost every night at some point to be intimate, it may have varied on time of day. But, we viewed that as our time to unwind and our relaxation time, not more work as so many couples seem to make it. Was it hanging from trapeze or crazy bondage sex? Absolutely not, but even if it was just a quick cuddling quickie, enough to connect and remember that we were more than just a Mommy and Daddy every day. I will say this too, I had no clue what male chastity was back then, but even as a zombie on very little sleep, my ass was helping my Wife clean, take care of babies, do laundry and dishes, rub her feet etc. Boggles my mind when men want kids and then think they don’t have to do anything but put money in the bank. Sorry, rant off lol And I’m not saying in your situation you do this, I obviously don’t know you personally, but in general, so many people will spend so much time daily doing stupid shit that they just have to get done, but somehow taking 15-20 mins to lay in bed with their spouse and focus on each other is “too much work” And people wonder why they grow apart and divorce rate is insane. Now, if your Wife doesn’t have an equal libido, I would say stay locked and be ready for her when she is. But you can definitely still be giving her attention and connect with her daily by making it a priority. That is something you’ll both need to talk about and make sure you’re on the same page. Good luck to you, it’s definitely a tough job, but it is possible to have it all, to raise great little humans and keep your intimate connection with your spouse alive and well.
Yes. Try around. Dont be too strict but certain. Help them to find their way. Yesterday bringing the kids to bed has been a horror. They were so tired and overdone. They were rubbing their eyes at about 1730 o clock. What to do in this situation. We even hadnt started to prepare dinner. Puh. Hard work. Hehe. But worked out at the end. So sometimes it doesnt work even if it usually is really smooth. Try to skip the nap. Or put two naps to one. Nothing happens if it doesnt work. Is the smaller one in the kindergarden?
@sonhee : There is no right or wrong answer here as long as you & your spouse talk about it. Having a couple of young kids doesn't make things easy & things change over time. My wife and I have trouble finding time for anything that requires "extended time" due to kids interrupting. Having a hobby that takes 2, 3, 4... hours of uninterrupted time is not feasible when you have kids, lol. Sometimes it is hard making a good dinner that requires constant attention for more than 30 minutes, lol. Since having kids we have found other ways to stay intimate outside of the bedroom though. For example, taking a quick 10-minute shower together... I mean you gotta take a shower at some point. You will both make this work and get through it. Best wishes to you and your Happy Marriage!
Tons of great advice on this thread! My wife and I wish we had figured out authentic intimacy, not the purely physical aspect of it, much sooner in life. I'd love to have the problems you're dealing with. My wife and I figured out firm love early on and were able to get our children sleeping in their own beds pretty early during infancy. I often wonder what our lives would be like today have we started this so early. Best of luck to you and I hope you and your spouse figure it out.