I promised my KH that I would post a journal here. I hope to keep it current.it My JournalJanuary 17[sup]th[/sup], 2011 In order for this journal to make sense, I have to back up just a little bit. Those that don’t know should know that I am a very kinky person. My KH, although not a prude, is not driven like I am. I suspect that most females are similar to her in this regard. Sure, she is turned on by sex, but it is not in her every thought throughout her day. She has her moments and during those times she is, without a doubt, a very sexual and sensual being. My kinks include a smoking fetish, cross-dressing, a bit of pain, humiliation, cuckolding, swinging and simply sex in general. I am truly bi-sexual but my preference is certainly the female body. I do have my cravings for the same sex, but those encounters have been limited. I have those desires mostly when cross-dressing. I have never had same sex relations without my KH present. I’m not into the real nasty stuff, but, if you ask some folks, I’m nasty enough. Since this journal is about my chastity and orgasm denial I think it’s important to note my KH’s interest in this lifestyle. My KH believes, and I concur, that I think about my cock too much. Not only do I think about it too much, but I have this thing about masturbation. Damn, I love to cum. I love to touch myself. Sometimes I feel like I can get myself off better with a “hot” story and a self inflicted hand job. If you do this long enough, it becomes reality. I am able to bring myself off multiple times in a day. My KH loves a hard cock. When I’m in a mode of self gratification I’m rarely able to be there for her… and so it begins. The CB 6000 was ordered and arrived earlier then I expected. We began writing a contract of my total submission to her (Contract posted in this forum). I spent the first week trying it on and finding the right fit. I had to test the limits of the device. What kind of sensation would I feel locked up? Could I get out? How long could I go without touching myself? Would she still want me? Would she want me more then ever? Is it possible she will supplement her sex drive with a boyfriend? What about…? The questions were limitless, but what always stuck was the fact that I might just be more available to her, and that I would see her in a different light. I would want her more then anything and that anything would be at her discretion. The test fitting was easy. I did have a moment in the hot tub where I tried to escape. I did. But the pain that followed was not for the faint of heart. It was easy to get the shaft out, but how do you explain your device hanging from your balls. So, I squeezed them through the ring. My balls ached for a few days and I switched to the next size down ring. I dare not ever try that again. Being new to this and wanting to please my KH I doubt that I will try anytime soon to escape. Really, I don’t want to. I don’t even like being unlocked at this time. I’m sure that will change, but right now, I’m happy right where I’m at. During the initial lock up I had the spare key in my pocket. Not once did I even think about using it. I want to please her. My KH went away for the weekend that our contract was to be signed. She was to return on Saturday giving me free reign for Friday night. I knew that come Sunday I would be changing my lifestyle forever. She told me to “live it up”. She even bought me a fresh pack of Virginia Slims menthol lights (my fav). I told her I was going to dress up as Nicole and have a guy over. She shrugged it off saying “OK, have fun”. I know she really didn’t want me to do that, but I figured if she was of this mind I would pursue it. I got off work and did myself up to the best I could. I thought I looked great. I had a guy all lined up. Well, as I suspected, I was stood up. A no-show. It was a revitalizing feeling knowing that I was willing to go through with it. I’m not so sure my KH would have felt the same way. I had gone through a lot of trouble to look so good and was not willing to let it go unnoticed so I decided to hook up the webcam and broadcast a little show. It made me feel good to see guys hot for me and to see them cum just watching me perform. I felt validated. I spent most of my free Friday night turning guys on. The next day I spent masturbating while dressed up. I probably came 6 or 7 times. My cock was sore. Sunday night… time to sign the contract. After a bit of conversation we both signed it. I wanted one last j/o session but was denied. I signed anyway. Wow, the thought of never masturbating to orgasm again was a trip. She wanted sex, I wanted to j/o. I struggled to get hard and took a pill. She was less then thrilled and made me put on the cage. Ouch, a terrible time to get hard. The game begins…. Not sure but I believe we did have sex that night and I accidently came in her. Our contract states that if I do that I must clean it up. My worthless goo so to speak. She forgot, which actually hurt my feelings however I was relieved not to have to go down there and do that. Forgetting is tough. Probably the hardest thing about all this. I worry sometimes that I will be forgotten and left to rot in this cage. Monday was easy as was Tuesday. I was required to service her orally. I love that I can make her cum with my tongue. Wednesday, no problem. On Friday she took the time to examine her property. She was not happy with a few spots on my cock and thought it best I went free. I felt empty… messed up. I was bummed and thought I could go longer. She did not agree. She sensed my attitude and visited me for lunch. She brought my cage to work and had me put it back on. I felt back to normal. So weird. On Friday night we attended a concert in Reno. I was set free. This time it felt right to be unlocked. We had a room and we had sex. She had a great orgasm that almost drove me to cum. She warned me not too. I can’t believe I actually had the power to over come my orgasm. I know I leaked a little, but it was not an orgasm. I went to sleep that night feeling tired. I was happy to have satisfied my KH and I had a blast at the concert. It felt right not to cum. I was very proud of myself not too. But, with that said, I look forward to a massive orgasm as soon as my loving KH permits.
Just had a couple of thoughts to add. First, I've now been locked up 72 hours without even coming out for a cleaning or sleep. I'm use to shaving down there and I'm getting itchy. So far, so good. Morning wood is nasty. I could hear the cage creaking as the errecton subsided. I was afraid it was going to snap. When I was first locked up my KH told me she had a present for me if I was good. Don't you just love presents? It was a killer to think about what the present was and it took a lot to not snoop around to find out what it was. I was able to restrain myself. Good Boy. All I could think about was "What do I have to do to get my gift". I was being very good. Monday my KH and I had the day off so I helped her rearrange the kitchen. It took all day and we realised great results. For my hard work my KH presented me with my present. I thought it might be new panties. She knows how much I like them but she is not so keen seeing me in girlie gear very often. Also, I love to sleep in womens wear... another thing she is not so keen on. She says she likes to feel me. I wonder why it is she sleeps so far from me and how she can feel me from the other side of our California King bed... I ask, "May I wear panties today?" The answer... "I'll let you know when you can wear panties." Or, "Can I wear something soft to bed?"... The answer, "Not tonight" Because of this I was shocked to see my present was a matching set of woman's PJ's. They are leopard print and frilly. I love them. She did say that I could only wear them when told to. I am permitted to lounge around in them if she is on a date. I can't help to wonder how soon a guy will come calling. Attached is a picture of me dressed up. The dress is the same one I wore the night I was stood up. My KH asked me to share... something I'm not very comfortable doing.
Just a quick update. Yesterday I was allow out to clean and shave. I removed the CB 6K and soaked it in warm water and anti bacterial soap. I hoped in the shower and cleaned up good, shaving real close. Interesting how normally I get hard doing this but not today, not even after being locked down for 90 plus hours. I did feel good to have the air hit me again. I took care of my business, cleaned the cage really well and reassembled it on my unit. My KH/wife was in another room and I took the liberty of putting on a pair of cute panties. Normally she is in the room as I dress but not today. She was not there to place the lock in the pin or snap the lock closed. I put the lock in my pocket and waited that morning for her to ask to inspect and lock it. She never did. As it was time to leave for work and she had not asked to set the lock, I went outside and started her car for her. This time I took the lock and looped it around her key chain in the ignition. I did not snap it shut. Didn't feel right about it. I went back inside, kissed her goodbye and never said a word. How do you think this played out????
OK, no replys... this is how it went... and might I say i did not expect it to go this way. I thought "maybe she will see the lock on her keychain". How could she miss it. I mean "Damn, she left her property unlocked" Anyone could take possesion of it... if they cared to. I thought, "Why do you not care." "Maybe she will show up at luch and put me back where I belong". It did not happen... All day I had the cage on and felt that one lil' hard on and the thing would slip off. It didn't. I got home before her. No text, no nothing. When she got home I asked her if she saw her key chain. She pulled it out of her purse and the lock was not there. I freaked out... what have I done. Where is my lock? Did she not know???
1/23/11 I'm free today. Got my release last night. My KH has granted me one orgasm, allowed me penetration then granted me another "O". Wow, am I sore. I guess it feels good not to have the weight of the CB 6K hanging from me and some fresh air... but I already miss the confinement. I was a bit dissappointed in my ability to gain an errection. I would have thought my unit would have come out swinging, but instead it took a lot of work on my KH's part to get him going. And, he never really got all that hard. My first orgasm didn't take very long at all to achieve and it was a major let down. It was not overly powerful but the flow was pretty heavy. Strangest thing I've ever felt down there. It was actually a sad moment. I had hoped for some anal stimulation but my KH was not up for it. This morning I was allowed penetration but she seemed to get little satisfaction from it. She is towards the end of her cycle and I blame it on that. I did not have an "O" during the intercourse, but I could have easily. She told me it would be 2 weeks before I'd have another "O"... well, it didn't take that long. She used her hands to bring me off and I must say it was a whopper. I go back into lock up this evening, so until then I will be enjoying the feel of my lacy panties on my injured unit and sagging sack. it
Well, here we are. My KH was going to lock me up again last night... my 24 hours had expired. We both fell asleep on the couch and it didnt happen. This morning we discussed whether or not to lock it up again. I told her I'm still a bit sore and it's nice not to have that damn thing pushing into my pubic bone. Also, told her I didn't feel she was into it. She said she didn't care and that she was doing it for me... "... and besides, I'm not the one wearing it." I dont feel she is taking full advantage of the contract. I understand that it is a major life change. Her attitude towards it has been less then 75%... now, I know it's not all about me, but if it does nothing for her then why bother? We will see how today unfolds. She said she wanted to inspect the unit. I'm worried I will lose my sexual urges if I wear it too long. I haven't touched myself during this unlock and I have to say what few hard ons I was allowed were not very fierce. it is what it is...
1/27/11 Update My KH has instructed me to email her my log. She said she didn't want to be bothered by checking the Chastity Mansion site and it would be easier for her via email... whatever she wants I guess. But I will continue to post it here until instructed otherwise. My unlock period was extended an additional 24 hours. After inspecting my unit my KH decided I could use a bit more of the cool fresh air. The CB 6K ring around the testies had bruised my tender skin and the vent slots took their toll on the side of the unti. I have to say that after being unlocked for 48 hours I wasn't too keen on getting back in that thing. My unit was begining to act normal again and I was having strong desires to play with it. I only rubbed it through my panties but felt bad for doing that. We had discussed breaking our contract and forgetting about it... moving on back to our normal life. I thought she was convinced to quit. She didn't really seem all that interested in it anyway, so it felt natural to ask her if that was what she really wanted. She told me to put the damn thing back on and shut the fuck up. I was to remain locked again for two weeks. So, here I am, 48+ hours back in the cage and re-adjusting to it again. Last night at the bar I ran into a female playmate my wife and I share in the lifestyle. My KH was not there. I was dying to tell this beautiful woman about the CB 6K... she knows about all my other kinks and has even assisted me in getting dressed up as a woman to serve at a dinner party for two lifestyle couples. We were sitting at the bar and I just came out and told her. She reached for my crotch and felt the firm plastic through my pants and pulled away quickly laughing her ass off. She caused quite a stir among the other bar patrons. A few of our mutual friends came over and wanted to know what was so funny. She was able to finally maintain herself and made an excuse that her laughter was a product of a joke I just told her... They proded me for a joke and I just played it off. I was very embarrassed, red in the face and she loved the power. She walked me out to my car and planted a deep kiss on my lips her tongue probing. She told me that she wanted me right there... then pushed me against the car and laughed saying... "You couldn't have me now even if I wanted it!!!!... I expect an invite for dinner Friday night. I want to see it for myself." Looks like I'm serving dinner for three Friday night as my KH has agreed to have her over. it is what it is
1/29/2010 Dinner for Three... yippieee, skippie. I started out the day unlocked. My KH told me she was again concerned the unit was needing some fresh air and a bit of healing. With an evil grin she told me she needed it good and healed this night as it may get a workout. Our girlfriend was due over at 6:30 PM. All I could think about all day was having these two beauties to myself. Before this chastitiy lifestyle the three of us spent many happy nights under the sheets. Our little trio was together all the time. We vacationed together, worked together, travelled together and slept together. Our girlfriend and I were amazing in bed. We had given each other countless hours of pleasure. It was also a pleasure to watch her and my KH/wife touching each other. The way they kissed... mmmmm. She was indeed very beautiful, the two of them... incredible together. Our girlfried also made me feel super special whenever we got together. She always said the right things. She loved fucking me and would always whisper in my ear "You feel so good inside me... you are the best. God I love your cock." She would say this over and over again. With her I felt like a rockstar. Our love making would last for hours some sessions. She arrived early, before my KH got home from work. I let her in and she gave me a deep kiss. "God, I can't wait to fuck you" she said. It felt good to have her in my arms, and I couldn't wait to fuck her. The next words out of her mouth were, "Let me see the contract." I was suprised she didn't want to see the CB 6K first. She laughed her ass off as she read it. "This is so fucking hot! You two are so cute with this!!!" as she read on I could see her really getting into it. "Oh my God... did you actually sign this?" She turned to the last page to see the signatures... "Holly shit!!! I can't believe you fell for this!" Laughing again... "This is unbelievable. I love you! Can I take you home with me?" I told her that I had written it and she shook her head. "Fuck, this is crazy!!!! You only get out a couple times a month? Jesus, you jack off 5 times a day... how is this going to work for you? I can't believe you have that great cock kept away!" "I can't believe you are going to let her have guys on the side. Are you nuts?" I continued to make dinner as she read on... it was funny to hear her reading it out loud and to hear her remarks. My KH soon made it home and engaged in the conversation as I prepped the dinner. I was making deep fried shrimp and the process took awhile and I made a complete mess of the kitchen. There was shit everywhere. We had a few cocktails with dinner and the girls were yucking it up pretty good. My KH was taking on a bit of a dominate role as the time passed. Our girlfriend was starting to follow her lead and made a few smart ass comments, testing me and watching my reactions closely. They were both pushing pretty hard. They locked into conversation regarding her taking on a boyfriend. My KH was beaming as she described the guy she planned on sealing the contract with, going on about how hot it was going to be having him pick her up from our house, leaving me behind to do the dirty work of dailey routines dressed in a maids outfit. Our girlfriend knew the guy and said she was envious of my KH. She told my KH that she thought it was great she'd be able to spend time with a real man. She looked at me as she said it... she too had the wicked grin. It had always been customary that I cook and the girls would do the dishes. The custom came to an end this night. Our girlfriend put an end to it. "Why are you sitting in on this conversation? This business doesn't concern you." My KH giggled and told our friend they could continue their conversation in the hot tub while I did the dishes. I was told to first follow them into the bedroom, which I did. I was starting to stir down below as I knew what was coming next. My KH grabbed the CB and showed it to our friend. She busted out laughing as she held it up. "Does it actually fit in there?" She caught herself as my KH explained to her that it was plenty big enough and there was room to spare. "It must be aweful." My KH told her, "No, actually it's kind of nice except when it rubs against my leg at night if he tries to cuddle me." They started to laugh together. Our friend told my KH she wanted to see me put it on and I was then instructed to do so. I had to wrap my unit in a cold cloth get it down to size and even with that it was a struggle. Our girlfriend was loving this... "It does fit nicely doesn't it... I would have never thought." My KH gave her the lock, "Here lock his ass up. It's fun." She was actually shaking as I heard the snap. "Son of a bitch. There is room to spare! What a tiny little cock." My KH corrected her... "Stacie... it's not a cock at all. It's a penis. Now, what Derek has between his legs is a cock." Stacie laughed gave my balls a squeeze and said, "And these aren't balls either... they are peanuts." I was told to get naked and sit on the bed. They continued to pour it on. I watched as they got naked, my unit was beyond stirring and was starting to ache. Both my KH and Stacie know all my kinks and which buttons to push. They both know how much I love to watch women smoke cigarettes. On occassion they would smoke for me, neither of them really smokers. My KH told me she wanted a cigarette and asked if I had any. She knew I did and she knew where I kept them. I was never permitted to smoke in the house. "Would you be a dear and get us your pack?" I got up, my CB sticking straight out and got the Virginia Slims menthols from my panty drawer and gave them to the girls. My KH took one out and lit it right in the bedroom. I about passed out. Then Stacie took the pack and lit one herself. My KH then turned to me and said, "Now get in that kitchen and do those dishes." They exited out onto the porch taking the pack with them and got into the tub which is right outside our bedroom door. I could have killed to be out in that hot tub smoking with them. Damn. Stacie had a date that night and cut her visit kinda short. She said she'd actually stayed later then she should. As she was leaving instead of the usual deep kiss, I got a lousey peck on the cheek. My KH asked her if she'd be interested in holding the spare key. Stacie told her she didn't know why she'd need it... said she really didn't have any use for a penis that fit into a little plastic tube. She laughed and said, "Ah, what the fuck. Why not?" She took the key, gave my KH a long kiss then headed out the door. My KH told her good night and turned to me and said, "Good night." She headed for the bedroom. I heard the door to my bedroom close. Then a few seconds later she opened it, tossed my pillow on the floor and closed and locked the door. I guess we are going to continue with this chastity thing. At least for awhile. it is what it is
1/30/2011 Random thoughts and update: This has been an interesting weekend. Every year we have family stay at our home the Saturday of the last weekend in January. It felt funny being locked up with my mom, brother and sister and all the kids in my home. All my thoughts however were centered around what had happened on Friday night. The mind is a funny thing isn't it. It sure can get you twisted up. Stacie actually had me convinced that I did indeed have a nice sized unit. I mean, she always told me so when we were in bed. We text each other back and forth and there is almost always something from her regarding how much she enjoys my size and how much she misses it inside her. I always felt that I was smaller then normal, but she planted doubt about that in my head. Even my KH would tell me similar things. I almost believed it. Well, after the way they went on about my little unit on Friday and the way Stacie dismissed me I am affraid it is true. It is little after all. So, as soon as family left this morning I asked my KH if she would unlock me so I could resize my CB. She thought it was a great idea. She said it would be nice if I was actually able to fill the tube. She said the extra air space was a waste. She really wished I would have opted for the CB 6Ks instead of the standard 6K. She said she knew I was over optimistic. I now have the smallest pin and spacer the kit has and I dropped one ring size... and still, I'm not filling the tube. MY KH just shook her head in disgust and smacked my peanuts with her palm. I doubled over in pain as she walked out the door, slamming it behind her. I've also had some naughty thoughts... now that Stacie is holding my spare key, I wonder if I would be able to manipulate her to unlock me and get into her panties. Her being new to the whole thing and all, I just might have a chance. I have been firing off texts to her all weekend... here are a few of those texts: Me: So, you have the key to my cock. How u feel about that. Stacie: lol Me: lol what? Stacie: u know what. lol Me: nooooooo Stacie: i have not given it thought. been with Tom. Me: u wanna unlock it for me? Stacie: no. why Me: so we can screw Stacie: no thanks, I have Tom. mmmmmm lol Me: later then? Stacie: prolly not ever. lol Me: i thought u love my cock Stacie: lol yeah, rightttttttttttttt Me: come on, stop playin for a sec Stacie: whos playing? penis, penis, penis. Stacie: peanuts, peanuts wait. m and m's... no nutz lol Me: come on now Stacie: Fuck Offfffffff, bi I have texted her a few more times but am getting no reply. I asked my KH if she has been in contact with Stacie and was told it was none of my business and to leave her alone. I was told if I try to manipulate either one of them again my worthless goo would remain in my balls an extra two weeks. I am already in trouble and will be lashed tonight before bed. Apparently they are talking behind my back. I'm kind of liking this now. For a short while I thought it was not going to work. It's cool how they are working it behind my back and they are into it fully. Not sure how long my KH will allow Stacie to have my key. My KH is a bit selfish about things like this. I was surprised she gave it to her in the first place. Damn, this next size ring is tight. Going to have to keep an eye on things down there for a bit to make sure I dont kill my unit. Ouch. It was difficult getting the small spacer on. I pinched my skin just a tad... broke the tender skin. For those of you guys out there that have gotten your willie caught in a zipper, that is what it felt like. Yikes! it is what it is
2/1/2011 My, my, my... how quickly things change. Well, the smaller ring did not work for me. The pain became so bad after only a couple hours I had to switch back. The shorter spacer is working so it's not a total lose. I received another text from Stacie. She said at this time in her life she is not interested in holding on to my key... not because of anything I've done, but because she is super attached to the guy she is dating and wants her focus there. She will give the key back to my KH. A let down for sure, but it is what it is. We are to continue as friends, no benefits... we have been close friends and we will remain as such. I feel like I'm coaching my KH along this path too much. She has done a little research but has not really acted on anything. I've made a few blunders here and there (on purpose) and have not been punished. She has threatened to "beat my ass", but it hasn't happened. At this time I don't believe my normally submissive wife really has it in her. Although I remain locked up, at her request, I am backing off on leading her for the time being. I want to give her time to develope... that is if she does. This could be a slow process, one I'm willing to wait on. Afterall, it's only been one month. My contract states that this coming weekend I am free. We have talked about getting together with some lifestyle people. Maybe a couple or a single male. That should be interesting... we haven't been down that path since this whole lock up business started. We will see... it is what it is
2/2/2011 Update I hope those of you following along are enjoying this journal. I am enjoying keeping it and still forwarding it on the my wife/KH My wife worked a little late last night. By the time she had gotten home she was exhausted and I had already had two vodka and Redbulls. She was miffed at me and scolded telling me "Not another drop, I have plans for you". When I drink I struggle with erections. Wondering what she had planned I did as instructed and backed off. I made dinner... home made fish and chips from scratch and she was well pleased. As soon as our young one was sound asleep we retired to the hot tub. Before entering she unlocked me. I was surprised at this as I was not scheduled for release until Saturday. In my honest opinion she is a bit quick with the key. She said, "Released for you does not mean you get to come. So, don't you dare. Did you take your little pill?" Awhile back we bought a 100 pack of these little red pills from India... they call them Vigora 110mg, I suppose a knock off of Viagra. And, for me they work killer. I told her I did and she smiled and said, "This is going to be a long night for you." Once in the tub I was able to enjoy a cigarette while she toyed with my unit using her feet under the hot water. I slowly came to life. When I was finished smoking I was order out and to dry her off gently, which I did. Then the order came to lay in bed, flat on my back. She dissappeared into the closet (where we keep the toy box) and re-enter with only a blindfold. I put it on as instructed along with putting my hands behind my head. She then cuffed my wrists. She told me to keep my mouth shut, don't cum and enjoy the ride... she said she had been reading on orgasm denial and wanted to try out some things. She worked me over good... doing the whole verbal assult about my unit size and my hair trigger. I snapped a bit telling her a guy that doesn't cum for weeks gets a hair trigger. I was rewarded with a stinging smack to the peanuts for my remark... she went on talking trash about how she was looking for something or someone to satisfy her... this brought my unit to attention. She worked me up doing things with her nails and fingers... things I'd never felt before, while the verbal assault continued regarding my inability to sustain... how a true cocksman can last until his female partner is satisfied... telling me that there was no way I could do that. I knew better then to retort. Her abuse got heavier, my breathing quickened... she got up and straddled me and lowered herself down on my unit, guiding it in... "Whatever you do, do not cum inside me. DONT CUM... about 20 seconds into this heavenly feeling I got the urge and she sensed it. She got off of me and said "Fuck!!! Told you... you can't hold it... I'm going to teach you how to hold it." Then it began.... stroke to the very edge and stop... stroke to the very edge and stop... again and again. Maybe 12 times... adding lube, talking shit. I was rock solid. My peanusts were pulsing... my thighs burning, my wrists cut from the cuffs. The intervals between my edging was down to about 10 seconds or so when she rolled off of me and slapped my thigh. "I hope you enjoyed that... it was fun!" My unit was pulsing and I wanted to pop off sooooo bad. Again, she climbed on and guided me in. It couldn't have been 10 seconds and I was gonna go off. She got off and sighed... "I knew it, I just knew it..." but I didn't cum. I was proud. Then, the buzzing started... she had her little bullet viberator on her sex and in no time her orgasm built. There I was, cuffed and blindfolding listening to her have an orgasm. That's just not right.... "Good Nighttttttt" I slept unlocked last night and never touched myself. I felt strangely happy with a void. Not soundly did I sleep, but I was happy I guess. As we prepared for work the next morning and got the day started, she asked if my unit was up to being locked up. We examined it and noted the wounds she inflicted the night prior... I was to remain unlocked. When I got out of the shower I was sporting wood... she told me to get on my back and prepare for a ride. She got on, got off and I did not. A great start to the day. Thank you for reading my journal... and thank you to my KH, it is what it is
2/8/2011 As our contract stated I was to be free for this past weekend. On Friday morning she released me. I have not been put back in since. My KH and I had a conversation last night and it seems we are going to end the contract. She says she doesn't have the creativity to make a go of it. She also said she enjoys the sponatious part of our sex life and she wants it back. This could all change, as we have both flip flopped on it... but I doubt it. I guess I'm sad on one hand, but kind of relieved on the other. I do know that I do not want to go back to being the J/O that I was and I hope to be ready for her when and if she wants to be spontaneous. If things change, and they might I will pick back up on this journal. Comments are welcome and appreciated, it is what it is... Thanks for reading