Anxious sexuality

Starting a new journal, you can find my old one here: https://www.chastitymansion.com/forums/index.php?threads/my-journey.16141/

Need a better title than “My Journey.” Anxious Sexuality is my tumbler blog which I plan on reactivating soon. It really is a better title for my journal.

I’m a self-diagnosed autistic, currently known as Autistic Spectrum Disorder and more commonly known as Asperger’s. There’s a few reasons the term Asperger’s is no longer in use, some of which is related to Hans Asperger’s connection to the Nazis, but I think has more to do with the realization that Autism has a much wider spectrum than what was originally identified. Not sure if I’ll be able to get an official diagnosis because nailing down Autism in older individuals is pretty difficult due to many other situations causing similar symptoms.

I’ve been a late bloomer with relationships and sexuality. Lot of different factors, but here I am, closer to the end of my life than the beginning. Had a couple therapists say that I may be on “the spectrum” and that’s where things started to click. If you knew me in person, you’d probably think I was a bit strange or eccentric, but I doubt you would guess I had any mental issues until you spent a fair amount of time with me. Stress, anxiety and depression have been a constant struggle for me over the years and even more so as the increasing responsibilities of my employment take their toll.

I’ve started having more events over the last few years. Breakdowns, meltdowns, burnouts, similar but not the same and all have been happening. I’ve spent a significant amount of time trying to make sense of what is happening, got a therapist and a psychiatrist and I’ve been making more of an effort to follow through with my care.

Last week was a breakthrough event for me. Things started clicking, I started taking actions that I wasn’t able to take in the past. Communication with my wife started happening in a way that was different from how we had shared in the past. I was being honest with my needs and desires and how I felt they affected our relationship. I was honest with the guilt I felt about masturbation, not because it’s wrong, but because it was having a real effect on our relationship. In a very real sense, my masturbation habits was cheating, it was removing intimacy from our lives.

My wife and I have had some long and involved discussions. Deep thoughts revolving around successes and failures and what factors influenced the outcomes. Some of the topics were sparked by ideas brought up in therapy, other were reached though headlong dives into the rabbit hole.

I’ve had difficulty finding value in my desires. It’s been a challenge to sift through what I want and look at my desires through the lens of reality. I know I’ve had a fascination with BDSM well before I even understood the overall concept. I had medical treatments as a child that mirror some aspects of medical bondage fantasy. I loved climbing into the oversized bird cages some stores sold. I was reading the Gor novels by 8th grade and practiced some degree of self-bondage as a pre-teen. I was in high school when Robin Hood Men in Tights came out and I saw Amy Yasbeck in a chastity belt, but I know I was aware of them before that. I’ve experienced dom/sub fantasies from both the female and male view points and I’m pretty sure I saw myself wearing that chastity belt back then.

My mental issues have made me very susceptible to some of the more negative fantasies and concepts in the kink community. Sense of self worth was pretty diminished in my 20s and early 30s. The humiliation attached to the fantasies played hell on my self esteem. The negative connotations around topping from the bottom really fucked with me and I think created a huge stumbling block early on with my marriage. Keeping in mind that I consider myself emotionally immature, I never adequately learned how to process emotion. So I viewed many concepts as absolutes when they were actually conditional. Many autistic’s take absolutes to heart and even with the level of self realization I’ve attained it is very difficult to move past many ideas that absolutely shouldn’t be an absolute.

Topping from the bottom is conditional. Topping from the bottom is conditional. Topping from the bottom is conditional. My wife, my partner, eventually my gentle Dom and quite possibly my future cuckoldress, came into our relationship with a primarily vanilla background. She is neuro-divergent but in a different way than I am. She is adapting to me, but it isn’t natural for her. My perception, right or wrong, is that much of what the community refers to as topping from the bottom, is in my mind communication. Impact play, whipping, spanking, caning etc hasn’t been easy for her to learn, both from my over-reactions which at times are very difficult to control and what has been to her a steep learning curve. Neither of us work “regular” schedules, so consistency is damn near impossible. I correct her a lot, but it is getting better. We are focusing on shorter implements, so mistakes aren’t as dramatic. Bondage sessions still rely completely on my direction and I don’t know that it will change any time soon. Much of our communication is about what is and isn’t working for me.

Back to our discussions. It’s been a rough year so far, but that also gives plenty of room for improvement. Complacency has lead to stagnation. I effectively withdrew consent at some point and due to issues with my head space everything ground to a halt. Lack of communication, after I withdrew consent I think she brought it up once more and I wasn’t in the right place to grant it. After that she left it up to me. 5 years later… for all the missed opportunities, I think what happened was necessary, not pleasant or fun, but I don’t think we would have arrive to our present level of understanding otherwise.

I don’t enjoy sex as much as I feel I should. Receiving oral has never been that great to me. I relied so heavily on the idea for so long, I just never learned to appreciate the reality. The realization of which brings me to where we are now. I’ve got an appointment tomorrow to redo my Prince Albert. Last time I did this, at 4 months the piercing was too sensitive for sex. As soon as is appropriate, I’ll be incorporating the captive bead ring with my Queens Keep. Once again, I’m going straight to a 2ga piercing. Once the piercing is sufficiently healed and stable, I’ll probably be ordering an Evotions cage. Not sure what the turnaround time is, but our hope is to have me in the cage for Christmas. After the first week of January, I’m expecting to have a serious work load with upwards of an 80 hour a week schedule through March when things will normalize again. Intimacy, such as it, will resume about a week after the piercing in the form spankings, frequent spanking in the past have allowed me to divert attention from things that would have otherwise caused me anxiety and while being spanked, I am very much in the present with her. I also want to work on my oral skills, which are lacking because it isn’t something I really enjoy, but it is something I want to learn to love because it is something that she really likes. Anal play will be another area that we will work together on. I’ve always liked anal play but have never spent enough time with it for it to become as comfortable as I would like. The idea is that anal play will become as common as anything else.

She is on board and possibly even enthusiastic about having me commit to chastity. I don’t think she plans on letting me easily back out. May not be realistic/possible but we have talked about a Steelwerks cage and seeing if we could have it in time for next wedding anniversary. Something else for me to research soon, but a Steelwerks cage is what I would want and have wanted since I first saw them years back. If we aren’t able to get a Steelwerks in time for our anniversary, then we may use it when we move into deeper areas. I was truly at my happiest when we first explored chastity and the happiness has returned. It feels like we are once again on the right path. For all that, there is still a level of WTF going through my mind as I contemplate the next steps and realize my penis is out of commission for the next 6 months and for an indefinite period thereafter.

I would like to thank everyone taking the time to read this. I put a lot of effort and thought into what I write, this took about three days to compose. What we are doing is weighted heavily towards actions that have improved my outlook on life. Both of us have acknowledged the others right to ask for an immediate halt should things become… complicated. While I don’t plan on going into too much detail with my therapist, I will still be speaking to them weekly.

I apologize if any of this is scattered or repetitive with regards to previous posts. My mind jumps around quite a bit. I do tend to focus on the mental health aspects of what is happening, because it is incredibly important to me. The last six months have seen the darkest days I’ve ever experienced and despite that I was stabile and improving before we started moving forward on our current course.

Again, thank you for reading.

 

I self reported for masturbation today (well, yesterday now). When I got home from work this morning I held off on using my cage and did the deed. And I felt like crap. Didn’t sleep well, just felt wrong. Finally got out of bed about 10 minutes before I expected my wife home from work and 45 minutes before I had to leave for work. Laid out both a delrin switch and rattan cane. The delrin switch is very whippy and has a sharp strike. The rattan was thicker and heavier. I then got in position and waited.

I chose 2 of the most painful pieces we have and they hadn’t seen use in 6 years. When she entered the room and saw me in position, she saw something was going on besides our normal check in sessions and asked me to explain. Told her what happened and she said she had a feeling something might happen today and that she felt a measure of responsibility for what happened. I said it was all on me. She gave me 10 of each with the delrin over the rattan.

We had a short talk before I had to leave for work. My emotions are now starting to collide with my rationality. I’m starting to question my decisions and the direction we are heading. I said that I am worried and will need her help to follow through. Her response was that it has become very clear that I am in a much better mental place when we stick with the chastity and maintain our spanking check-ins and does not intend to let me backslide. She said this with a degree of strength and commitment that I haven’t noticed from her before. She indicated that she was ready and willing to provide suitable reinforcement.

My emotions have been all over the place lately. I’ve experienced a great deal of sadness this year. We said said goodbye to a beloved pet, that first that I have ever lost, a loss that still brings me to tears if I dwell on it too much. I have a longtime friend and former coworker in a coma who is unlikely to regain consciousness without a miracle and I am expecting sad news from other avenues in the near future. And on the other end, I’ve fallen in love with my wife all over again.

 

My therapist has really encouraged me to maintain a journal. However keeping a private journal never made much sense to me. Writing enables me to visualize my thoughts and it helps to think of it as me explaining how my mind works to someone else.

I had a therapy session yesterday and it was an interesting exercise trying to explain to my therapist why things were going so much better for me all of a sudden. I’m very conscious of not forcing my kinks on others and even though I think a therapist in Los Angeles should have an understanding, it was difficult to frame spanking in a positive manner. And that was the only kink I made any attempt to reference. Was afraid if laid it all out that it would be necessary to find a new therapist.

 

Well, I have a 2ga Prince Albert piercing.

 

This time was a bit more dramatic than the first time I did it 6 years ago. Don’t recall it hurting quite as much as it did this time. Very little blood tho use which was nice.

 

Feels like I’m entering a depressive cycle right now. I’m about 3 weeks post piercing. The piercing is much more uncomfortable that what I remember from the first go around. Ring is a bit bigger, 5/8ths the first time and a 3/4 diameter this time.

Was told 8-12 months before I should use a cage again. My current ball trap cage is too small to pass the cbr through the inside and due to prior experience I don’t want to fuck around with the piercing too much. Erections really aren’t comfortable right now and they’ve been reasonably frequent.

I need to collect some additional info and talk with some other piercers about the viability of a light weight cage at the 5 or 6 month point. Really don’t like the idea of waiting the better part of a year to resume things.

Once it became clear how negatively masturbation was affecting me and we made the commitment to get serious about chastity, things were good, we had a plan. Now we are having to adjust our plans to reality and it isn’t as straightforward as we had hoped. The loss of momentum is hitting hard and adding to the mix, things are getting really busy at work again.
The executive dysfunction aspect of my life means relatively minor disruptions to my plans can cause major issues and each successive issue just leads to a clusterfuck.

Running out of spoons again.