My Vanilla Chastity Adventure

Hey everyone, I just introduced myself in the other forum, now to share a little about how I ended up here, and where I'm headed.

Phew, let's see. Where to begin.

First off, I consider myself fairly vanilla. Married to an insanely hot wife, but vanilla. That's not to say we don't have good, mind blowing sex - we do. We have our favorite positions I guess but the sex is, and has always been, good. We dabbled in some exploration - anal for her (which she did not like) anal for me (which I did like), oral, toys, etc...As my wife has gotten older (and mind you, we are only middle age) her interest in exploring those other things has waned and for the most part we just have straight forward PIV sex. We average about once every three days (I keep a journal...is that weird?), which is down from the first years of our marriage.

Even at the beginning I had a stronger sex drive than my wife, but hers has definitely slowed down as she approached middle age. Mine has not.

Some more about my sexual preferences. I have used masturbation as a release for a long time, and I've been playing with anal for a long time as well (though I am still chasing the big O...lol). Sometimes I like to take charge. Sometimes I like to be taken charge of. My wife is a very strong willed woman and that is kind of a turn on for me.

I stumbled on some chastity porn maybe a year ago through pegging porn and it sort of interested me but went in the file cabinet in my brain of stuff I might one day look into but really not important.

Last year the difference in our sex drives came to a head in a few ways. First she just wasn't interested very often, to the point that I was the one that had initiated for as long as we could remember. Mostly she was just like a rag doll for me to finish and then off to bed we went. It was boring for me. It was boring for her.

Second I was masturbating more and more. Didn't affect my ability to perform, but my wife feels cheated, or cheated on, by masturbation.

Third, we were in a point where I was almost constantly begging for sex. I do get hard at the slightest touch or scent or sight of my wife. And as a result we could not really be intimate without being sexual (something I am, admittedly, still trying to wrap my head around).

So we went to therapy with it. After trying a few different things I realized that I have been masturbating, more or less constantly, since I was like 11. (basically however long it has been able to get hard lol). Fact is I am not going to magically develop the will power to not do it - especially as a person who works from home and whose wife works in an office 30 minutes away. I am also not going to magically stop being erect when we are cuddling or being affectionate.

The cage I had seen came back to mind and I started reading about chastity - how locking up and giving the key to ones wife can change the relationship dynamics, improve sex life (when one has it), and help address that age old problem.

So I ordered a plastic CB6000 on ebay on a whim, then brought it to my wife. I suggested she keep the key, and I wear the cage more or less all the time to resolve all of the above problems. (I am sure you can see that conversation in your head: "See honey?" He said. "Problem fixed!" Wife: :-| )

She was less than amused and I broke it in the first weekend of use. Made two mistakes (communication and using a crappy plastic cage).

We talked about it a little more and she was still against the idea of having a cage - she was (and still is) adamant that I should have more self control and feels like I am just trying to offload my personal responsibility to her which she doesnt like.

I waffled off and on over a few months, eventually buying a steel CB6000 which was better. I had to work through a variety of practical issues like ball pull through which I have since resolved. Today I still use off the shelf cages, right now the Kidding Zone, though today I just got a few more smaller cages (including ones with urethral sounds) in the mail. I will experiment with those later.

About two months ago I really religiously began wearing my cage daily during the day. The Kidding Zone is really comfortable to me, though the little rubber boot that covers the hinge fell apart. Duct tape took its place. I also discovered that when I do wear it and I do not masturbate or touch my dick as often sex is so, SO MUCH BETTER. Every sensation is just...more.

I have been putting the key in my wife's purse - something she just accepted though she didn't want it. Last week she took it out and left it on the counter.

And that led to the most direct, best chastity discussion we have had yet, last Thursday.

I asked her why she did that, and she answered that she didn't want or need the key. I explained that I am not putting the key in her car to go to work for her - it is for me. It is my way of ensuring I don't masturbate, and that it helps me have even better experiences when we do have sex.

She asked how long I intend to wear it, and I told her probably forever. She thought it might be temporary. I explained that I do not expect to develop self control in this way at any time.

She asked if I am asking her to take control of my dick. I answered (as my erection strained against my cage lol) that I was not asking that - only to send the key along with her - although I would like that.

She said she was not interested in that but would allow me to continue to send the key with her.

I asked her if wearing the cage at night (when I bother her most for sex) would be ok with her, and if it would turn her off (hey - I don't want to NOT have sex, I only want to have it when she wants it ). She said it is my body so do what I want.

So since Thursday I have been wearing my cage 24/7 except for removing it twice to clean it every day - in the morning and before bed.

It has been 4 days since we last had sex - I know those are amateur numbers for most here - but it was enough for me to leak like crazy in my cage while cuddling with her this morning - which is a feat all of its own. On this and other occasions if I hadn't been caged I 100% would have had a raging erection (well, I still had one, but it wasn't accessible. You know what I mean) and even a genuine attempt to cuddle would have quickly turned into seeking sex.

Anyone still reading at this point lol? So where from here?

I want her to enthusiastically keep the key. I want her to own when I unlock and when we have sex. Eventually I would like to get used to having sex sometimes with toys for her and for me. (she already does not like the mess I make when I cum, but she has a complex about sticking things other than a penis - to include toys, fingers, and a tongue - in her and also takes issue with me not orgasming when we have sex). I dream of using a strap on on her, or her using her share strap on me. We have two boxes of toys sitting here being unused.

For the immediate future I am going to see how long she goes without initiating sex with me. The cage actually makes it a sort of a fun game for me - there is something sexual about not being able to have sex unless she starts it, which, while it is paradoxical, is really fun.

I will share a few more events later on down this thread, but that's enough for now.

 

Absolutely, will do!

 

Great advice, thanks, and definitely something on my mind and that I try to do.

I am, by nature, a serving person (not sure if that makes me submissive necessarily, maybe it does?) so it comes somewhat naturally - though as you point out it often becomes tied to sex.

The problem is what I call my lizard brain

Smart brain says "hey, let's run a hot bath for my wife or give her a massage" the when I'm doing it lizard brain takes over and the desire for sex is almost insatiable.

My intentions start pure but inevitably turn to sex.

(Which isn't inherently bad, but "smart brain" understands why my wife feels like everything is just for sex, not because I actually want to be nice).

Anyways the first place to start is recognizing it right? I'm on the right path.

 

Hey, sorry for not responding. I am sometimes bad about remaining active on forums.

So, a couple of things. One, I am not just using chastity to build up to better sex. That is one benefit I have found. I am using chastity to regulate my sex drive (allowing intimacy without intercouse) and to align our sex drives (allowing for more sex on her terms / timeframe).

Secondly, I am not sure I really want a full blown FLR and total sub / dom dynamics in our relationship (which is why this is in the vanilla subforum). Nor do I think that at all necessary for a female to sometimes initiate or otherwise be engaged sexually in a relationship. I just want to use a chastity cage, and her control of the key, (1) to regulate my sexual appetite; and (2) align our sexual appetites.

Finally with regards to oral: I am extremely open to pleasuring her any way she wants: oral, toy, penis, whatever.

She simply is turned off immediately, almost every time, by anything but penis.

I have attempted to give her oral pleasure many, many times in our marriage. Ive tried playing and stimulating her lips, her clit, all around her; licking in and around her; I have tried this with foreplay and without; I have tried starting at the thighs and moving in.

I can recall on only a few occasions getting any positive response from her in the form of tremors or light trembling but as with any othe attempt, she cuts it off abruptly and pushes me away, either pulling me in for PIV or telling me "thats enough".

As I said, she really does have a complex about things other than a penis being used for sexual pleasure. Doesnt matter if its a vibrator or a dildo, a finger or a tongue. Immediate turn off.

She also does not enjoy giving me oral (which she occasionally did in the earlier part of our marriage though hardly ever does now) and has never ever allowed me to cum in her mouth, doesnt like giving me hand jobs, and, as I have recently discovered doesnt particularly like pegging me either (more on that in a follow up post to come).

Part of this seems to be cleanliness related - I think she finds it gross to put my mouth on her, and her mouth on mine; I think she finds hands and fingers dirty; I think she worries about storage and cleanliness of toys.

Perhaps 'worries' is the wrong word; she is simply preoccupied with those things and while I am no expert lover, I have found that if there is anything else on a womans mind when it is time to have sex, theyre not going to have a good time.

I have tried to address those issues with her by suggesting cleaning before and after use, good storage practices, personal hygiene for her and me before sex, etc...but it hasnt helped. Part of that has to do with poor communication on sex (more on that later).

Aside from seemingly having a complex about some of these things, which turns her off of them, she also seems to have a problem with the idea of one of us being pleasured, or especially having an orgasm, without the other also having an orgasm (she has made comments in the past about not liking blowjobs or handjobs because she is only pleasuring me and she doesnt get anything out of it, and rejects my offers to do the same - even PIV without me orgasming - for the same reason).

So I promise - I really am willing to do anything with her. If she suddenly expressed interest in some random other kink...I dunno. Latex body suits or face sitting or almost anything else - I would 100% do it with her even if it wasnt my cup of tea.

She just, evidently, isnt.

I guess her thing is PIV, at least for now, and lets be clear here, I really REALLY enjoy that with her.

But as I will describe in another post here, we are still not quite on the same page.

 

ok. 8 months have passed since my initial post. That is a lot of time.

Some things have changed, some have not. Lets start with my changes.

- I have been going in longer and longer cycles of chastity, sometimes wearing 24/7 and other times wearing for other periods of time. I seem to occasionally 'fall off the train' because my wonderful wife isnt really participating (more to follow).

- this period of chastity started mid - early NOV and continues to present. I wear it as often comfort will allow.

- I continue to have intermittent issues with burning and discomfort / chafing with extended wear. In the first 24 hrs I can wear with minimal discomfort, adjustment, or lube. This includes overnight. Somewhere along the 24 hour mark it starts chafing and burning behind the balls and above my cock badly enough that I find myself adjusting or adding lube until every 10 minutes or so I am playing with the cage.

- I stopped using the Kidding zone - not secure enough (I actually accidentally popped out of it one night) and the head of my cock is too exposed, enabling access and therefore stimulation and masturbation by massaging the head of my cock.

- I started using a chinese cage that fully encloses the shaft of my cock. It is about 2.5 inches long, slightly curved, and has a pee hole and can take a urethral tube. This works well except for the chafing previously described. Might be due to the ring being too small so I have a slightly larger ring in the mail right now.

- I have a micro cage for the same ring that I can wear. Pull out is extremely easy so I don't really like to wear it as to not tempt myself, but I kind of like how tiny it makes my cock look.

- This cage and consistent wear of it has enabled me to effectively control masturbation for this cycle, something I am very happy about.

For my relationship:

- my wife is used to seeing the cage on me, for sure. Still wont take the key and asked me to stop putting it in her purse. And, big surprise, it is a turn off to her (as is anything but PIV, it would appear).

- we tried pegging again in November - our first time trying since an abysmal failure a year or two prior. This time we used plenty of lube and were in the shower. We used a two-sided strap on. As I have previously described she doesnt like inserting anything in her so she started sort of just squeezing it between her legs as she thrust. I got into it and as we developed a rythym I thought I felt her insert her side of it into her then grab my hips to continue. I eventually finished and there was a kind of awkward silence.

- We pegged again a few days ago, also in the shower, this time I know for a fact that she didnt insert her side of it. We talked again afterwards and she told me that she doesnt like pegging at all. When I asked her to tell me more, to share her feelings with me, she told me that she didnt feel like she needs to justify herself to me. I asked so that I can understand what she doesnt like, and if there is something I can do to make the experience pleasurable for her (different strap on, environment, position, whatever). She also accused me of being gay because I enjoy pegging. (I use the word accused due to her tone, not because gay - which I am not - itself is a slur or inherently bad. Much love to the LGBTQ+ community )

- in general, she continues to just give me sex any time I ask for it but often when she isnt into it she is basically a corpse lying on her side or back. As much as I hate having sex like that it is really hard to say no. Wearing the cage at night prevents her from grabbing my dick and putting it in to just get it over with, and I have found that when I wear it especially to bed that pressure is relieved. When we are together and I dont have it on we often do have sex but not due to that pressure. She refuses to tell or ask me to remove it though, so I end up just trying to 'read the room' when it comes to whether to leave it on or remove it.

At the end of the day we have made progress towards normalizing chastity though she isnt really on board. I have discovered that anal pleasure for our relationship may need to be relegated to some other form (not pegging) like using an aneros or plug during PIV sex or something. Obviously feeling kind of shamed for opening up to her about my interest in anal intercourse.

Navigating all of the above is 100% dependent on one thing that, if you have read all of this, is glaringly lacking in our sex relationship: open communication.

Communication is two way and by no means do I purport to be perfect in any way, but we have never had good communication about anything sexual. I can't recall her ever really bringing up any sex topics ever, really, but when I do, whether its a simple post-coital 'how was it?' or me asking about a new position, or more recently a request to describe what bothers her about pegging, the conversation is always immediately terminated by the other end.

We have slated our next couples therapy session to discuss this. I am open to whatever the therapist recommends and wherever we land, but I hope to come out of it with two things crystal clear:

1 - that chastity cage or not, her having sex for any reason other than 'she feels up to it' should stop, immediately;

2 - that pegging as an act does not indicate sexual orientation, and that neither of us should be shamed for expressing our sexual interests to the other.

 

Or hey maybe liking pegging does mean I'm bisexual or something. I certainly dont find myself attracted to men at all. But if thats the case, well then, ok, that is ok with me.

What I am not ok with is weaponizing that or any label to shame and denigrate another person, most certainly not your life partner and loving husband who found pegging hard to bring up in the first place due to fears of a reaction just like this one.

Sorry guys. That reaction from her kind of hit me in the feels.

 

I appreciate your candor.

To be equally blunt, I often feel like I am indeed the one holding it together, and I often don't feel loved or trusted. We have ups and downs but sometimes it feels like there should be certain bounds within the marriage that even the lowest of lows won't exceed.

As I've said before, that's not to say that she is at fault or that I don't share fault. It's just the way it is.

 

Thank you for your well thought out response as well. Mine in bold.

Like I said very good, sound advice. Thank you very much for it.