My wife/KH and I have been exploring chastity for about three weeks now, and things are going very well for both of us. However, we are both trying to overcome a lifetime of sexual repression. We have always been very reserved in the bedroom; three weeks ago, the “cowgirl” position represented the extent of our sexual exploration. As you can imagine, male chastity has taken us way outside the realm of our experiences. We are figuring it out together, but sometimes it feels like we are stumbling in the dark. She says she enjoys many of the things associated with chastity play, and the term “good boy” has worked its way into some of our casual conversations. She has expressed that she feels she has no imagination when it comes to these types of activities, so I sent her a message the other day to give her some ideas to prime her imagination. I am hoping that as we experiment a little more, her confidence in expressing and asserting her desires will grow. I was wondering if anyone here might have any ideas of things to build confidence and imagination. What things have you done throughout your journey that helped you or your keyholder find your place in the new roles? I would really like to hear both male and female perspectives. Below is the message I sent my KH. “I have been thinking of some things we can do to have fun throughout the next couple of weeks. The list below has some ideas I think might be fun. The key idea is “fun” if you do not feel comfortable with anything, there is absolutely no pressure to do any of those things. I also have some other ideas outside of chastity, but we can discuss those later. Chastity Play Ideas · Told to do household things naked · Ordered to spend a random amount of time around the house naked · Waiting on you hand and foot while you relax · Ordered to massage you randomly · Ordered to go down on you randomly · Assign random tasks you find appealing · Tease by playing with the key · Tease by touching/rubbing/patting · Randomly decide if I will be locked/unlocked while we fool around · Randomly inspect your “property.” · Randomly use teasing language/questions o “Good boy.” (after doing something for you) o “Who’s my good boy?” o “Do you think I should unlock you?” o “Who do you belong to? o “Ask me to (do/say something); I want to hear you beg.” o Etc…”
The best thing you can do is to get her on this forum as a "Verified Female" to talk to other people who have been in her position. Look what you are doing right now, you are talking to people that were in your position to rely that info to your wife as an idea. I am not saying you will get bad ideas.... but if she wants to be more comfortable with this, it might be better if she took the step to talking to other people that were once in her shoes that she can relate to.
I want to talk to her about joining the site, but I also need to take it slow, given our inexperience with everything. I fear some of the more extreme stuff on this site might scare her off entirely at this point. I really want to show her some of the fun we can have exploring our fantasies and then bring up the topic of joining this community. I think it would be great for us to both be members of this site, but we're both still just taking baby steps.
There's a book called "Exhibitionism for the Shy: Show Off, Dress Up, and Talk Hot" by Carol Queen that might be of use to your wife. Similarly, every so often someone will publish a book of racy questions for partners to ask each other - not just one-sided interviews, but for them to pass back and forth, and get more of an idea of each others inner-sensual lives. You may want to search for someone get an idea of what also lies untapped in her own mind. What does she fantasize about? What are her favorite racy parts of novels? It could help to flesh that out so that you can both figure out ways to bring her desires into actual practice, if and when it's feasible.
Nothing wrong with your list per se, except it's your list and not her's. I do appreciate how difficult it is to resist topping from the bottom. I still find myself doing that sometimes, when I feel that my partner needs a little nudge along. I have had some really good advice from several people on here and have had more success by being patient and by using positive reinforcement whenever she did anything remotely assertive. You have already made it very clear what you want, so give her space to gain some confidence. The intimacy of sharing and enjoying kinky secrets is a lovely thing.
Hello, funny to read your post and finding out how much similarity there is to the situation when I started this journey. Compare to were I was 6 month ago feels like another life. Don't misunderstand my posting that I want to blame you, because it's only my opinion/approach which really worked for me. You might have a total other view and approach. Both are fine. So let's begin: I don't think that throwing this list is very helpful because it is what you want or what you would like to see and even when it was meant to help it sends the message: I expect or would love to see that you do certain things I totally understand. But it could also be understand as (from her perspective): 1) I'm not good enough in how I am today 2) he knows more about this than me, I'm a beginner, what if I don't want to do this 3) he's setting up the rules. The most important things which I found out: 1) give her positive affirmation (if you really mean it) 2) cuddle, kiss her, give her attention, make her feet, massage her - No Sex. Show that you enjoy her (if you really mean it) 3) don't put hands on yourself! 4) give her time 5) tell her, that you like the idea of a FLR and that you're afraid of topping from the bottom (explain what it is) and that you want to play it according to her rules and speed. That you thought about this and that you came up with three simple rules: 1) she decides 2) she is setting up the pace 3) you have to say yes! if she suggests something And somethig very very powerful: You will write her weekly letters about what is going through your mind and that you are allowed to suggest 1 things in a certain time slot (1 week or 1 month) within those letters but she doesn't have to react to this and she doesn't even have to answer your letter. You will still write her every week. This has changed my life and I have moved so fast into a FLR which is still developing slowly but its lots of fun. Would love to hear about your progress. Piet
If she only talks to verified females, she is going to run into the "extreme stuff" since those member know how to treat other women.
My concern is more centered around her exploring this site and feeling that I want want to do everything that is talked about here. In the future I will talk to her about joining, but I just don't think we're there yet.
Thank you very much for sharing your experience, and I do agree with everyone's replies that pointed out that it is "my list" and not hers'. We just had another discussion last night where that list came up. That discussion presented the perfect opportunity for me to explain to her that the list was only to spark her imagination. If you look closely at the list you will see that the items on the list are very vague, and are only indented to be a template to follow if she wanted to. I also explained to her that I would like her to come up with things she would like to do. Now, before I go any further I want to point out that I am well aware of the fact that I have again imposed my will on her by asking to think of things that she would like to do, but I did that to reassure her that all I really want is to make her happy. The hope is that at this point I can step back completely and let things play out as she desires.
Thank you very much for the book reference. I will most definitely be on the look out for a book of racy questions too. I would love to spend an evening with my wife discussing our sensual thoughts and feeling.
It a long time getting to where we wanted to be. It the early days it was about play, every weekend, or day together a different play and during the time we weren't together talk about what we didn't like and things that we should try. There was lots of timeouts, laughing at ourselves during roleplay and other ooops moments. The major things were exchanging our expectations with each other. Expectation and exchange are the key words, not I and want. If she knows you have an expectation of being locked for 7 days straight with no releases then she'll be more comfortable doing it. Whatever you do, enjoy