Hello, I am not sure if this will really work, but after relapsing in the noFap challenge after 147 days, I decided to look into chastity as a way to resolve the one lingering problem I had with the challenge: the fact that you could still touch yourself whenever you did have a fleeting thought of eroticism. I'm still debating if this is really the solution though -- most of all the posts I've looked through on here use chastity as a way of putting a man into a constant state of arousal. I feel that I did well for 6 months of being chaste without a device because of the fact that you are forced to not think about sex at all and focus on improving yourself. The incredibly hard part is that with the way I was raised by my Dominant mother (even though she firmly believes she is a submissive victim and encourages us to be "dominant, leading men" via a passive-aggressive mentally and emotionally abusive behavior of always getting you to do exactly what she wants); due to that I've come to realize that I'm a submissive at my core self, and no amount of self-help has really changed that. What makes me confused and hesitant is that no matter where I go, or even the women I talk to -- they all clearly show that men are to be 100% dominant, or are just there to provide financial support to a woman who ideally does not need to work. This goes against my long-standing desire (since I was 10, I think) and understanding that women lead a marriage (& that it's a husband's duty to be socially dominant, but to be understanding and caring for his wife's needs and desires (including her life-goals)). My own father, who is probably the most defining definition in my eyes of "a true man" is submissive at heart, but his marriage has been (in my eyes) a very painful ordeal for him because even though my mother forced him to work a job that is almost 24/7 out of the house, she believes she is still the submissive and victim of "her narcissistic husband", even though it's because of her passive-aggressive dominant behavior that everyone is forced to "make their own decisions" in enacting every one of her desires. She is dominant but believes that when things go badly, it was because of the choices the rest of us made. It is complicated, and I don't think many will understand this ='[ One example: Forcibly suggesting my brother and I purchase a new home as an "investment" for ourselves, and then 5 months after closing on it she has already begun moving in and will sell her own home to live with us. Why? She wants a new home, not the old one (14 years?) that my Father purchased 9 years ago. I am also a Christian, and I still have not found my answer in the scripture, but I feel that while the virtue of chastity is not improper or wrong -- I have this gut feeling that the type of chastity play/denial with the use of a chastity device is feeding into the sin of lust. The only kludge I see inside of the argument is that -- nobody is perfect -- and there are many men (including myself) who have been conditioned by porn to stimulate themselves or to interpret minor stimulation from the environment as sexual arousal. Maybe I am just still weak and need to get better; but I am hoping I can learn from the others here, their ideas and motivations behind this lifestyle, and to see where I fit in on the spectrum.
My grandmother said there’s a lid for every pot. Keep improving yourself like you have been attempting by noticing what progresses you and what regresses you, I’m there with you that I want to figure out why I do what I do, a lot of this is based in scientific literacy of facts I did not have growing up Christian. You are noticing extremes of submission and dominance you find unhealthy, again very good! Submit to a moral code that keeps the golden rule idea of Christianity of treating others as you would like to be treated, avoid needless confrontation but stand up for yourself and others when you see long term ramifications that will do no good. Allow yourself to explore and try not to hurt others you explore with, which is hard as a young man. I picked a career field that is in service to my fellow man as I fell away from the churches I attended as I saw public service and aiding others one of the most fufilling and human things we can do in this life. Harnessing those little impulses that arouse and resisting it is stoic 101. Stoicism and philosophy from the last great emperor of Rome and a man almost 2000 years ago exposed to Christianity and in control of most the known world might help as we live in a world of excess and possibilities due to technology in ways he would only dream, this was the diary of that man never meant to be published. Welcome! I hope you keep exploring this reality and I’m excited to see your journey if you continue here.