Is being a keyholder a lot of work?

My wife Dom kh was not into any of this at all before and thought it was weird and also thought it was so much work all the time fast forward to some years later and when she opend up more and looking into more she now likes it all and has grown so much and has said I thought there was so much more that went into it all the time and there is not. Sure some days with lots of time ropes and chains and hours ties is awesome. But for all the times between that she has realized that it does not take much. Hopefully she will see this and help me out with this and comment on it when she is free later. Good luck and I hope she comes around for you. There is hope!!!!

 

That might not sound like a lot, but if it doesn't come natural to her, then it IS a lot of work. It is basically a performance. Maybe it only lasts for a few minutes a day, but that can be stressful, especially if she feels like she'd let you down if she doesn't do it "right".

 

Put it on yourself and give her the key. When you do, ask her to touch it a time or two.

Once in a while.

Later, you can beg.

 

BK always said she does not want to be on the clock 24/7 and I understand that. But as they grow and becomes familiar with the Dynamics I think they have more fun and it is easier and less time consuming. But if it’s not natural to them it can take years.

 

When I brought up the chastity subject with my wife and now keyholder one of her reservations was the extra effort on her part to play the game and also her uncertainty about whether she was going about it right. After a few false starts and heeding the advice of many people on this forum, my wife and I have settled on a routine that works for us. I stay locked pretty much all of the time and also take care of cleaning etc by way of an ' emergency key' that I keep, and she teases me and says to release when ever she is in the mood (which is not often as she is going through the menopause). So her involvement is minimal but she says she is enjoying it and wants to continue. I'd like her to do more teasing, wear my key on public and generally get more involved, but the important advice from many on this site is to take it slow and let her develop at her own pace. This may mean parts of your fantasy itch won't get scratched, but to be successful you have to accept that is ok. So my advice is to ask her to hold your key and see how things develop. If you overwhelm her with how you want to be teased etc it risks reinforcing her concerns about it being a lot of work. It need not be unless you burden her with your expectations. Hope this helps.

 

Really, I sound flip. But, I just think that if you want her to own your erection, give it to her. If she has any use for it, you’ll know. If she doesn’t, I’m going to bet that’s worth knowing too. And I bet she’d give it back to you in that case. Or enjoy the benefits. Which, for you, should be just what you were aiming for. Ymmv

 

If your wife is coming from a vanilla perspective, it’s hard to simply take the key and play along. She may want to understand the why, how, whole concept, what it does for you, her, on and on. So there is a whole mental space that takes the time and commitment to understand. For you, you already have the reasons and the why, so it may seem like nothing to simply hold the key; but to her, there is a whole world of understanding and education.

Baby steps and communication are key. It’s easy to get overwhelmed for the vanilla, which I once was. I initially thought subby’s kink was rooted in dress, play and performance, and that demanded a bit of time and effort, without much benefit for me. I didn’t choose to understand the psychology of it until much later; and I unfortunately had to get over the barrier of stereotypes attributed to various kinks. After overcoming that, many doors have opened and light bulbs have been lit

So perhaps helpful is a discussion as to WHY chastity is important for you and your relationship. How it makes you feel, how it may make her feel. That’s always a good start.

 

Ok, but that is still your view of a scene that you would like her to play out for you. I was the same when I started. I'd looked at the various memes showing women getting a kick out of denying a caged bloke and thought I'd like to be that person. So when we started our first failed attempt I got frustrated that my wife did not do that - how could she, she hadn't spent hours looking at memes! This was the point she got concerned if she was doing it right and it all became too difficult. Fast forward many months and I came across a post from someone on here (can't remember who otherwise I would credit them) and they said chastity for them was about bringing back intimacy, and others said to focus on unconditional benefit to your keyholder. So the penny dropped with me that getting intimacy back was more important to me than acting out a particular scene, so I concentrated on being nice (I usually am in any case), giving foot rubs, making cups of tea and not pouncing on her at the first glimmer of interest. This is now part of our lives and we/she might develop it from here, we are only 8 months in to our so far successful stint. All of us are different so this might not work for you, but if you want her to overcome concerns about it being a lot of work think about what you will do so she sees benefit. Hope this helps.

 

Listen to her and Read her post over and over until you completely understand it word for word. This is the only sane approach to a vanilla wife.

I know what your thinking, I know what you want, and I know what your hoping for. All of the guys here know the same as I do. You are light years ahead of her with your knowledge and fantasy’s. You need to cominicate with her and not push her. You need to go slow, not your slow, her perception of slow.

I can tell you it took 2 years for BK and I to start having fun on a somewhat regular basis. Not so much because she could not handle it but because I fucked it up all the time. My idea of slow and my idea of a not so involved fantasy and my idea of how easy it was for her do this were so skewed form years of porn and fantasy’s that I was probably close to being insane by her views.

2 years and we are still learning. I still fuck it up from time to time because of my childish and selfish wants, but I am learning real quick from her not to push my agenda on her any more.

It’s hard to wait for your wife to catch up to your thoughts and wants but I feel you have to pay the price and wait and move along at her speed. If you don’t you run the risk of having her be resentful of you and the lifestyle and once that happens it’s hard to fix.

Just my thoughts on me and my wife, and it may not work for you and yours but I feel it the safest bet and the most logical approach.

Good luck!

 

@Gigaman - I just wanted to congratulate you -- you seem to have come so far since last summer when you and @BKwife initially showed up here. Just do what she says, brother, and you'll both be fine.

 

Your so right, and it sums it up in one line. It’s very good advice.

 

Ok, previous vanilla wife here!. I'm quite sure my piggy thought the VERY SAME THING going on but I can assure you that the moment that cage gets locked on your dick, your gonna be complaining that she's not touching it enough!. She's not talking about it enough!. She's not checking on it enough!. She's not thinking about it enough!. I think you get the message. I got overwhelmed at the amount of time HE perceived I wasn't paying attention to his chastity at the beginning and it was doomed from the start. TAKE IT SLOW. It's a discovery for you both so do it as a team. You both have SO MUCH TO GAIN from it. It can be a beautiful thing. Good luck

 

I'm so proud of you!. That was such a well thought out post and you hit it HEAD ON! yes you do fuck it up now and then but the BEST PART is your learning from it. Your a good boy Gigaman (insert kissy lips here).

 

Skimming through this thread I don't think anyone has suggested trying to understand what else is keeping her busy. Maybe you can talk to her and find ways you can help her create more time for you.
Help take some of the pressure off her so she can relax more.

Then maybe you can discuss introducing chastity when you better understand her needs.

 

We pretty much played for 5.5 years until the Domme gene took over, I think there is one.
It changed like a flick of the switch. She knows what I need, not what I want. The interaction
develops over time and just becomes a life style that becomes very natural and not work.
If it is forced I don't think it works very well.

We all do sometime. That's why we need these wonderful women to get us in line. I think for
me it changed my train of thought, childish and selfish are men's biggest problem. I never
thought I really was till my focus changed.

I remember last summer I was getting a oil change and reading a post that made it sound
like it wasn't going to work and BK wanted to give up. Well I guess the Domme gene kicked
in and showed you how we need direction.

It took almost 7 years to get where we are. It just kind of happened, we all started somewhere.
Communication is one thing that needs to happen. If you really want it to be for her she needs
to hear the why it matters to you and what it will means for her. That's all you can do, you can't
make it happen, but you can show her what it can mean to her. Treat her like a queen and see
what happens. Hope it works out for you.

 

Being a Dom and a Keyholder is a lot of work until she decides to take control and make the Chastity what She Wants. Then the touching, the teasing the removing of the cage are under her control. When my lovely wife Took Control it was a lot easier for her because she did what she wanted when she wanted.

To me her taking control is the Key to how much work it is for her. Good Luck.

 

We are still very much on that journey.
6 year go I was a complete vanilla wife and for the first few years I didn't understand it but just knew that it had an effect for both of us.

We are not there yet, my domme 'gene' hasn't magically kinked and I still find that aspect hard work - and I have to say I'm not particularly convincing. It doesn't come naturally to me and I am doing a lot of reading still.
But his fantasies aren't mine - the time he's spent researching all this means he's light years ahead of me and I may never catch up.

I'm not qualified to give advice but I'd say be grateful for what you have now - many of my girlfriends would run a mile if their partner suggested chastity and would be very upset.

 

I think the 'domme' exists to some extant. It kind of turned on after 5.5 years. When you
make it about you and not just fulfilling his fantasy you may find you have it more than you
think. It is hard to put aside things we learn as we grow up. It does become a partnership
where you direct the course and he follows what you really want, there are no rules accept
for the ones you make. As @Mash2214 said,

To those of us that are totally dedicated to our love, it really becomes your wish is my command
I hope that comes for you someday, for us there is nothing better.;-)