Very new to all this and he is back tracking on me

@rosesaregray welcome to the Mansion. I fear your so called subbie is controlling you. Being new to all his fantasies will be astonishing to you if you are new to this way of life. Males have a tendency to rush you into their fantasies and have no consideration for you, if you let them. Put your foot down and tell him that you are in charge. If he really likes to be controlled he will welcome your decision, if he doesn't then forget it.

 

Hi rosesaregrey.
From my male point of view it's very easy to have the fantasy but in reality reality is not a fantasy, pretty obvious I know. It is likely he has read up on this but in reality it does work differently I know when I am locked and I am now in day 13 of I have no idea then certainly at first all I want fo do is get out and cum. It takes time for the real effects of chastity to work for me, us. I would not give up over one hiccup as there are likely to be many but you should sit down and set expectations, both with regard to sex and lifestyle changes you may want. I spent several months working on this with my wife and we are still working to achieve what are really now her goals. We are developing an FLR marriage so it has to be that way, this is not true of all chastity play. The more you talk and discuss and agree the goals then the greater the chance of success.

Remember men are from Mars and Women are. From Venus, we are put together very differently especially in regard to our kinks. It sounds like you have great potential for mutual pleasure but it rarely happens overnight.

For example it takes me weeks to break in a new device so I can wear it for long periods ( more than a couple of days). And this can be fairly painful in fact even when broken in the devices can pinch and irritate if this is going to be a longer term thing with him potentially going longer periods for your mutual pleasure then it will take some learning to live with the cage.

For him if you dent him for a while say a Couple of weeks to several months then when he comes it will be memorable if you do it together. But to be kept chaste for more than a day or so as I said takes some work and much of this has to be agreeing the terms of his lockup.

For example typically I would be locked for a week or so then we had a three month lockdown to ensure we both meant what we had agreed. Now it is at Miss's whim I may be unlocked in 5 minutes or I may still be locked next year it's down to her and that is what we agreed. It always has to be mutual I have never come across a device I could not get out of with fairly basic hand tools although there may be some so if he wants out he can get out, the stories of being locked and unable to every escape are really just stories those of us who are locked are almost all willing locked to improve our relationships and mutual pleasure.

Well that's my two penny worth, I wish you all the best but you must talk.

 

I have read some of Mistress Ivey's books and one of the valid points she makes is men are happier when they do not cum. A ruined orgasim does not release the endorphins(?) that can cause some men to become irritated easily. I would recommend you both research together and make a contract spelling out exactly what you will or not do. My Darling is not nearly as irritable as he used to be. He has only been 13 days without cumming and is currently on his longest time being locked also. Remember to talk, talk, talk about what you both expect and if he wants you in charge the he should do as you say.

 

I think first of all you should know how amazing a partner you are being. I know we're only hearing one version of events, but for someone to be as willing to listen, willing to try new -and seemingly out there- things and willing to listen to his needs, and also consider he might be rushing things, and to try and help him through it - all that is astonishingly good and impressive contributions to a relationship. He's a very lucky man.

Sure, perhaps it turns you on too, but that is almost less important, because I suspect you're going to need to remember how fantastic you're being.

You're absolutely right to draw boundaries, not just about play but about acceptable behaviour generally. You're right to draw them lovingly, but clearly. Not only are you right to do it, seems important that you do do it - so he realises you're far more important to him than a fetish or a kink, and he should be incredibly grateful to be with someone who he's compatible with on both counts.

I say this because from my limited experience when you do draw that boundary, he'll either listen and communicate with you and you'll work on it together. That's not easy, but it can be a lot of fun.

The other way, he doesn't listen and just demands, like a child having a tantrum. If you indulge that, you'll end up getting nothing more than peace and quiet by giving him what he wants, even if it is denial.

I've been the man both ways, and I bitterly regret being the selfish tantrum me, who couldn't see past my own desires.

So you're going to talk a lot, if he's worth it. Just know when you do that you're being the partner he should dream of having - not for the kink, but for the care and thought you show.

 

IF you have him locked give it some adjustment time he might be worried you will lock him and put him on the shelf sort of speaking. Be loving but strong don't give up so fast might be the best thing for both.

 

It sounds like he is on 150% sexual drive and everything he is doing is just foreplay to an orgasm. I don't mean that in a negative or mean way. I was / am like this and have to remember and be reminded that everything is not about (can be manipulated into) some sort of sexual act.

From your description of what happened, it sounds like to me, he wanted to jerk off sometime during the day and decided he would wait for you, and you said in a text you were ready to "play". So as soon as you were together (he was already "waiting") and then took a shower together, as far as he was concern the evening sexual adventures had begun. So in his mind you jerked the rug out from under him by "stopping" and looking at Facebook.

His perceptions are just that "his" and have nothing to do with your intentions or wants. He is most likely still living the "fantasy" that is in his head which most likely means that any second of the day that you 2 can be together sexually is what he wants, and when not together to text each other about what your going to do when you are together.

My suggestion would be to talk to him and discuss the fact that he wants sex 24/7 and that HE realizes that it is unrealistic, because he is the one that brought up chastity and denial. I imagine he knows that he is this way and that his drive is higher then most others, so he is looking to you to be the governing factor in the relationship and even offering chastity as a tool. Once you clear the air about this, I would bet that you will find him much more honest and that next time you tell him you are ready to "play" and he is all excited then you pause and look at Facebook, and he starts pitching a fit, you will be able to diffuse it right away by reminding him that you are going at YOUR pace.

With all that said, he would most likely be just as happy right now if you two were having sex 24/7 and he would not care about the orgasm, he most likely just wants to be aroused as much as possible. Why do I say that, because that was me when I started chastity.

 

@OP

IMO the way to go is the way you want for yourself. You know him best. If your judgment is it's best to slow down, do that. Have initially a fixed max period, which gradually increase.

But if (far more likely ) he needs a hard steer to get him in line, then do that.

 

I just thought that I would add a few things from my limited experience.

First, the way you described him doing all the talking and it overwhelming you sounds exactly like me and my wife. I am committed to this FLR so she made our first rule, that I am only allowed to start a conversation on a Saturday, as long as the conditions are ok. She can start one whenever she likes.

Secondly it did sound to me like he was topping from the bottom, and trying to influence what you were doing for his own ends. My wife is leaving a lot of the research up to me about ideas of how to progress into male chastity, so this weekend I am going to show her what I have found out about edging and ruined orgasms. But if she says no to something, it means no. I am allowed to describe something, to show her what I have found out, but the actual decision of whether it happens is up to her.

I think our major difference is my wife and I have been married 25 years where you have only recently got together, so we have a deeper understanding of each other to base this lifestyle on. I would definitely stick around though, maybe he will change his mind and decide he does want this after all.

 

@rosesaregray - when I read your first post on this thread I thought.....well, your second post sums up my thoughts pretty well.

It's difficult to know how it's going to work in practice, when one is at the start of it. You can read all the books there are, read all the forums, but what works for you will often be a mixture of or even none of anything you've heard about before. MAking it up as you go is a great way to go at it - borrow and use the things that interest you (or that seem to work) and be prepared to adapt, alter, re-invent as you go. As ever, regular communication will see you both through.

Please do hang around - there's plenty of Mistresses here who will be glad to have private chats if you need guidance or want to ask questions in private, and the rest of the public forum can be great to learn from, swap experiences etc.

A word on topping from the bottom - there are good ways and bad ways to do it, but it isnt an outright evil of it's own accord. A sub still needs to be able to communicate what they're into, or interested in. If they're suggesting that if you were to XYZ then it would help them to be able to please you better, then that's a good communication in my book.