FUBAR an amazing scene

I'm with Wendy on this. Counselling for sure, possibly individually but certainly as a couple.
Preferably with an experienced councillor who is accustomed to BDSM issues.

Good luck.

 

One more in favor of counseling. However I am not with those who thinks the the Domme is not responsible for the subs/slaves taking on the scene gone wild. It is part of the package - I am sorry! That is my taking on this.
But, but , that does not make you bad person if you screw up, or bite more than you can chew. You have to accept that you are not yet fully capable of reading your slave/sub, and therefore you most decent from the extreme for now. Learn from your mistakes, that is all you can do, and give the loving and care that is so badly needed.

 

Good! - You have passed the first difficult step - to acknowledge your downfalls and responsibility.
Everything is interaction, so yes in the relation and the signals he provides, he makes it easier or harder for you to read him..
Could you elaborate on his responsibility ?

 

It makes pretty much sense all together. Good!
I would however add your obligation to have a fair amount of insight in his social, physical and psychological score and stability before you take him or allow him into the extreme uncharted territory. I know it is a lot to ask, but nevertheless. No safe words can replace that.
Still - I think You do a fair job in trying to pick up the pieces and learn from the experience.

 

It's been a few days, Lady J. How are you faring?

From what I've read both of you were shaken greatly, and I think the fact that your "guest" stared at you as he did actually shifted control away from you. You went from the Domme controlling a scene for your sub to a shared submissive with the "guest" controlling both of you.

That strikes me as incredibly challenging all on its own and that part of your unrest comes from not only failing to protect and support your submissive but also your own shift from Top to Bottom in the scene. What you've described to me sounds like you yourself needed aftercare and had no where to get it.

 

I thought about you this week, partly in response to someone else posting on tumblr about trying to make her husband's dreams a reality, I hope you are well.

Best wishes.

 

I've been a top (you call it dominant, I don't) for over 25 years and decided to bottom a few years ago. I just want to establish that I have been there. I think what you describe has little-to-nothing to do with your scene. Your bottom knew what was going to happen going in. He had a serious emotional problem with the proceedings. As his top, you naturally feel responsible for his well being. Your angst about not being able to help him is understandable, but please let me offer a little information based on my experience.

Firstly, he had time to consider his decision to try a scene with you and another man. He decided that he wanted to do this. That means it was completely consensual. He could have stopped the scene at any time (safeword or merely emotional distress). He didn't. Apparently, you didn't see any warning signs severe enough to call the scene. So, speaking from a safety perspective, you had no way to manage the situation until it was too late.

Could you have done more after the scene? Probably not. Are you a trained therapist? Do you know how to deal with an abused man who reacts badly to a situation? I don't.

Clearly you care for him and want to continue your relationship with him. But bear in mind that right now he is damaged. He may not be able to successfully sustain a relationship until he deals with the ghosts that are haunting him. If that's the case, you really have nothing you can do to fix the situation or him.

My advice is to end this guilt trip. One of the risks of being a top is that one day a bottom will react the way this man did. It feels horrid. It's happened to me. In BDSM each player has to take responsibility for his/her emotional safety. You, as top, have to provide physical safety, but no matter how much you want to, you can't deal with what's in his head.

So, even though it hurts, give him space. Let him come to terms with himself. Let him know you are available if or when he wants to talk more. Let him drive the relationship. All you can do as a good top is to be available if he needs you. Otherwise, take a deep breath and let this horrible situation go.