FUBAR an amazing scene

He was cage and blind folded he was not tied down.

 

Though, at this point I need to know how to fix things. "If" I can fix things.

 

This is the letter that I wrote to him.

Sunday I made a fatal error maybe even a grave mistake. I pushed for something that I simply was not ready for, and I can see that now. This push was far too soon. I should have called it when I had a chance. I should have stopped it before it even started, but I thought I was ready. I thought I could handle it. I thought I was strong enough to keep you safe and protect you, but I wasn't. I was a stupid fool who doesn't deserve you. I didn't protect you. I couldn't keep you safe, and I wasn't there to support you.




""Within my heart a garden grows
Wild with violets fragrant rose
Bright daffodils line the narrow ways
I kneel in pray and seek Gods way

For round my heart a gate stand firm
To guard my heart so I can learn
Who should enter and who should wait
On the other side of my locked gate

I clasp around my neck
and wonder if the time is yet
If I unlock the gate today
Would you come in?
Or run away?""

I lost control of the situation and myself. I realize that you now have doubts in me, because I have doubts in me. I can not blame you for that, and I wouldn't blame you if you walk away.

Everyone keeps telling me simply to forgive myself and that you will follow through, but I can't forgive myself unless you forgive me. You are something that I cherish so completely. When you told me the other day that you were lucky to have me... do you remember when I said you were wrong? I told you that I'm the lucky one, and I completely believe that.

You are an amazing Dominant man that chose to surrender yourself to me. You gave me a beautiful gift. I know that I screwed up, but I also know that I am not infallible. I know that I am human. I know that I fall down. I know that I make mistakes, but I also know that you can't have the glue that blinds love together unless you make a couple cracks along the way.

""All I can ask if for another chance if you will give it to me.
All I can do is lay myself completely bare.
All I can do is open myself as you have done for me.
All I can know is that you own the keys to my heart.
All that is done is done I can't take it back try as I may.""


You told me this morning you don't know where we go from here.

My response to that is we have at least two choices.

• You can tell me that I hurt you enough that you are unwilling to continue, and we can part ways.
• We can work together to continue talking and rebuild our relationship together. We can choose to rebuild it even stronger then it was before.

The thing about a Dominant that most people don't seem to understand though is even though we have power its a false power. Its a power that is only given to us by our submissives trust and love. So I guess at the end of this letter I am hoping that you have enough trust and love left for me to nurture like when you build a fire. I know that I can fan your spark, but only if there is a spark left to fan.

 

I just hope its enough to win his trust back.

 

I can only pray that it will be enough.

 

I agree with you completely, but people even Dominants do make mistakes. I can't show him in my actions if he doesn't allow me to have another chance.

 

I had no intentions of withdrawing aftercare or especially my love. I simply couldn't give it at the moment he needed it, and by the time I could he had already withdrawn into himself. He wouldn't sleep in the bed so I spent the night curled up on the rug next to the couch holding his hand as much as I could.

 

I got him to open up more to me, but instead of bringing us close. I think that its actually making things worse. In truth I don't even know if giving him aftercare would have changed anything. I realize and have taken full responsibility that I did wrong. I left him when he needed me no matter for how short a period of time. Though, I'm starting to feel like its useless. Its like talking to a brick wall. We went from completely in love and happy one moment to torn apart the next. I don't know where to go from here and I fear I have already lost him.

 

It was his first consentual time being taken by a guy. He was raped when he was younger which is why he became Dominant. When he was raped the first time he started classes in martial arts. He ended up becoming a police officer for several years.



I got him to open up to me for a little while last night, and tried to replay the scene... But our versions no longer match. He thinks that I gave him no aftercare at all... Which is not completely true. Directly after the scene he curled into my lap for a few minutes. Then, we went to the kitchen and I sat down on the floor, because I was beginning to shake. We sat there for probably 15-25 minutes talking about the scene. I asked him several times during the scene and this time if he was okay. To all he responded yes. So while sitting in the kitchen I finished off my drink which was alcoholic. I had drank some before the scene but not enough to effect me. After the scene though sitting in the kitchen I finished my drink pretty rapidly. I remember asking him if he was okay again to which he replied yes. I remember getting up and saying I was going to get a bath. I went and got in the tub filled it and immediately started emptying it, but by the time I came back out maybe 10 minutes later he was curled up in the fetal position on the couch completely shutdown. He feels that I was gone for hours. He felt that I needed to scrub the filth off... Which is not true. Me taking a bath is a kin to drink a beer or smoking a cigarette, though since he has breathe problems I don't smoke anyone at all. He said I should have spent at least 10-15 minutes with him when I tried to explain that I did he told me that he scene in his head must be false. It felt like I was gone much longer. He had refused to come to bed so I curled up on the rug next to the couch and held his hand to make sure he would be alright all night long. Only going to the bed after he said that me being there was not helping him sleep. So I went and sat on the bed til I heard him get up and immediately came back to his side.

 

Sorry phone was being a little dumb. He told me that he didn't go into subspace, which I have put him into a few times during our impact scenes. Though, I didn't think to ask about a full body orgasm. He wasn't allowed to orgasm during the scene, and was caged... so I didn't even think that would be a possibility.

 

I don't know how to relax right now. Normally I am very zen as you can see by my avatar picture. I don't like stress, and my body doesn't handle it very well. I have been barely eating since Sunday. I'm honestly a mess. I love this man more than I even know how to describe, and I am truly scared that I am going to or have lost him. At this point I am beginning to wonder if anything that I did actually would or would not have even made a difference. I have began to feel like he still would have pulled away from me, and is just using the few minutes [10-15 max] that I left him alone as away to attack me.

 

That's where I am starting to feel might be the next step. If he is even willing to go. I don't know if he even went to counseling when it happened the first time.