Going to be a little long. I am sorry, but I really want advice from anyone willing to share their opinion. This is NOT some attempt at soliciting erotic responses. If thats your thing, please do not respond to this particular post. I love good erotic reading, but here I want advice that might help grow my relationship. My wife and I have been married for 15+ years. We are in our late 40s. Wife has not been super Domme consistently, but has tried most things regarding chastity and Domme/sub type play. We are not in a female led situation, but she might be willing to go more towards that at least concerning our sex life. Honestly, she by nature is pretty submissive. Over the years, her willingness for these type activities (chastity, humiliation, Domme/sub, etc,) has been at my suggestion. Its been obvious on a purely physical level, sex does not satisfy her physically. She would say that the emotional/connection aspect of sex is good though. Over time she has become more into things. She is not only willing, but enjoys most all aspects of it now. But we are not in a 24/7 situation. We have 3 kids from 9 to 13. So our situation is: We use toys a lot. They are her only source of orgasms. She has a week to ten days a month where her drive is very high, but the other two to three weeks is usually very low. So, the primary part of our sex life is concentrated to that 7 to 10 days each month. She may use them alone once a month, maybe. She prefers when I participate. We have a cage and have used it. Longest single lock up has been about 15 days. On average, she will use it 3 or 4 times a month for a couple of days at a time. Or she will use it after work and make me wear it until the next morning until I get ready to go to work. The other activities we engage in are: Tease and denial. CBT. Light bondage. Humiliation (SPH) through texting and during sexual encounters. She will occasionally use toys on me (pegging). Spanking/whipping. Using dirty panties as a gag. Using my mouth to pee in after she has her orgasms (and sometimes just because). She has not been willing to discuss her hooking up with another man. And our situation is not one either of us want to be public or exposed to others. OK, so here are my questions . . . finally! 1. Should our interest in these activities have any effect on our resolving arguments? Should I give up my stance in arguments and just let it go? And I am talking regular stuff, not serious life issues. There are times when we argue and are silent. Should I break that silence and turn it in to an opportunity to be submissive without her taking charge and asserting herself? One of the things I say to her is that if all the ideas of how to incorporate D/s, punishment and chastity are mine, then it is less fun and exciting for me. Does that make sense? 2. Outside of our sex life, I have a pretty strong personality. My work life puts me in charge and that is a part of what draws me to the sexual submissive things. How do I let go of that at home? Are there any women on here that understand and identify with our situation as I have described it, and can give me advice of how to handle her?
Wow that's a lot to unpack. Everyone and every relationship are different. You two need to figure out what is right for the two of you. If you go through really old posts you'll see some great stuff on some serious FLR (Female Lead Relationships) and D/s. Personally I believe in female supremacy so I say you should submit to her and let her run things without question. But I know it's not for everyone. Add in your "strong will" and it'll be hard. So work on a process. Know things aren't going to be ideal for a while. So know you have to go through steps. Finally whatever you do. COMMUNICATE. learn to listen. And learn to make sure she hears you. If you can communicate with each other well the rest of this is easy. (well easier as it's not easy)
Thank you. Its encouraging. We are both very stubborn. No one wants to break in times where we disagree on how things should go. I admit my fault in that area. Not sure I am at true Female Supremacy, but it would make things easier if I was, lol.
Well I wasn't years ago. I now see women are better at so many things. And men are generally pretty stupid. We usually use the wrong head to think! Hence chastity
That's where we've been heading. We're both very stubborn, and she's very easily hurt by me (i.e. hurt emotionally ... I would never physically hurt her). But we really do not argue anymore, at all. This chastity thing has definitely had a big impact. She knows that she can win any "argument" very easily, just by locking me until I am happily taking her side of the argument. (It's ridiculous. It really is.) But the main thing, I think, is that she just feels safer. No pressure. She finally gets to be her own person, and now I'm the one along for the ride. Our marriage up to this point was just the opposite: I got to be my own person, and she was basically on a tether just struggling to keep up with me. She was always waiting for my attention, and hoping I'd save something (time, desire, whatever) for her. As far as my time and my attention, she got my left-overs, my scraps. So chastity can be a tool for re-balancing a relationship. And that new balance can be quite ridiculous (ludicrously silly if you're looking from the outside), as mine is. And it's not that I am sitting curled up at her feet 24 hours a day. I still work long hours ... but I come home when I am told to, and I do what I am told to around the house. I still have my own opinions, but if she wants the remote control, she just tells me to give it to her, or (more often) she just tells me what we're going to watch. My wife has similar super-horny and not-at-all-horny time periods each month, although far differently distributed than yours. And I really love when she teases and/or locks me when she has no interest in sex. That's the best. Experiment a bit. Keep it fun. And let us know how it goes.
Thank you! I appreciate all you said. There are similarities. Do y'all have kids? How long have you been married? Was any of this a part of your relationship before getting married? We did not have any of this before.
Like the other responders have said, find what works best for you both and communication and an attitude to make it fun will help get you there. In my situation, i am consciously deciding to give in on these type of things as a way of demonstrating my submissiveness to Her. I'm in a similar situation where many of our activities were initially my suggestion, but that's changing slowly as @MistressAMA gets more and more comfortable as the Dominant. It's often hard to transition from "outside life" into "the dynamic". What works for me is to wear items that always remind me of my place. I have a dog tag listing Her as the Owner under my shirt and wear a solid bracelet instead of a collar. Seeing these throughout the day reminds me of my real role, regardless of what meeting i am in. Then, when i am home, i don't have such a jarring transition--i can just more openly express my service sub status. Best of luck!! asa
Yes, we have kids. Probably all done with that now. Married a couple decades, give or take. No, this wasn't part of our relationship until after we were married. We played around with some T&D I guess when we had only been married a few years, but this is quite a different thing (although it certainly brings out some of the same butterflies).
We have some rules about disagreements. The first rule is pick your battles. If the outcome is not really that important to you. You are not going to be hurt or feel bad, if it has no real effect on your life then concede. If it is something that will have a significant emotional impact on you or is about something that hurts you then you have to stand up for yourself. The second rule is fight fair. Never attack your partner. No calling them stupid or a bitch. Keep it about the issue. Third keep it about the issue at hand. Don't bring up something you argued about before. Arguing is not about being submissive or in control. It is about what is important. As for being submissive, don't try to "handle" her. Let her know that because of the stress levels of your job you need her control the bedroom and maybe even other aspects of your life. Don't tell her how to do it. Just tell her you need her to decide if she wants sex or just to cuddle or an orgasm for her without having to try to satisfy you. If you can make her understand why you need her to be in charge and she loves you, as long as you don't turn it into another job for her and just let her do what she is comfortable with she will probably slowly take over this part of your life. She will learn to enjoy being in control if she is actually in control and not just doing kinky things for you.
These are all great points. Thank you! I appreciate all responses. I agree with you about picking your battles. I don’t do that very well, but I’m trying more these days. She doesn’t mind being in control in the bedroom, and maybe at home generally. She would say that what she struggles with is ideas that she thinks aren’t fresh and fun. That’s less of an issue on my end, but also I always think it’s fun. She worries more that I don’t. She isn’t one to look online to get ideas. Id love her to find confidence in that aspect. I also think at our stage of life she struggles with hormones. She isn’t in the mood 20-25 days a month. More like 7-10, but when she is, she really is. Not unusual for her to have 20 or more orgasms in that “peak” time. In those times of disagreement, I’d love if she could find an assertive way to end it. That’s also not her strong suit
1. Absolutely it makes sense. If you have to come up with all the ideas then it is like directing a play. Part of the excitement of any D/S relationship is the unexpected command or instruction from your Domme. There is a lack of control from your Domme if you have to provide the input. I think it is a problem many of us submissives have to deal with. 2. I think many men in powerful work positions long for power exchange, to stop making all the decisions, to be told what to do, to just obey. You may be willing to let go of your strong personality at home but if you have to direct your wife then it is just not working. It takes 2 to tango as they say! I took my wife on a Domme training course where a professional Domme explained things to her and showed her what she could do. It is much better for another woman to give her ideas than for you to be doing so. It certainly helped my wife.
thanks for the input. My wife wouldn't even come on this site to read, and certainly not a training course. It may be a slow progression, but I am going to try and just do my part to the best of my ability and hope it changes to more control by Her over time
First of all, as others have suggested, communicate. Do it outwith the FemDom dynamic and when you don't have any interruptions from your family. Discuss your expectations of each other, let the other know how far they can go, any hard boundaries etc. Specific answers: 1. You can do if you want, and there's no reason why not. It may help establish her as dominant over you if you do. You could also suggest that she punishes you when you upset her. We find that is way better than a couple of days of awkward silence. They don't need to be all yours, help her find out about these. She ain't just going to think of them all by herself. 2. I am submissive to strong dominant women, well actually probably most. I am not submissive to men. I have a powerful position at work and lead and direct teams. I do find that I want to be more submissive after a gruelling day. Personally I find it comes natural to me, but being caged is a constant reminder of my position. I still make a lot of decisions and initiate what we do with our lives i.e. plan dinners, work in the house. But its my wife who makes sure we carry these duties out otherwise.... I'm in trouble and they'll be a visit to my ass with a nasty strap.