I was in the car with my better half, raving again about how much I am enjoying our increased intimacy, when I stated “it’s so strange that we got to a place in our relationship were there was so little physical intimacy”, to which she replied “whenever we’re intimate you want sex, but now I’m safe”. This got me thinking about all the times she doesn’t want sex and how differently her mind seems to work to mine. Sure she orders me to go down on her when she feels like it, but there are a lot of times she doesn’t. We spoon in bed and I caress her, I stoke her legs, her bottom, hold her breasts. She enjoys it and so do I. Then nothing happens. I’m locked up and I know the expectation is nothing is going to happen, but a part of my brain still thinks physical intimacy is foreplay. If our roles were reversed and my partner was spooning me, caressing me and I knew that I only had to give the order and they would go down on me, keep going for as long as I wanted… it would game on, every single time. But it seems for her there isn’t such a hard connection between physical intimacy leading to sexual release. Is this just the way the male brain is wired? Or is this a learned behaviour, that can be unlearned, so males don’t automatically think of physical intimacy meaning sex?
Intimacy and sex are not all the same. Intimacy, foreplay, and sex are all related but are all separate. For sex to be good there has to be both foreplay and intimacy. Intimacy is good all by itself. It took Hubby most of last summer to learn how good intimacy can be for the man. Now under normal conditions (Not this damn vasectomy requirement for sex) we are physically intimate six days a week and one day we have actual sex. Sometimes we even skip that. So is man naturally intimate without sex? I think not. I think it is what they call an acquired taste. If you have a strong loving woman and you agree to a chastity relationship she will eventually take you to that understanding of how wonderful intimacy with no expectation of sex can be. I personally do not believe in denial. I love PIV sex and the feeling when we orgasm together or nearly together is unexplainable in how close to him I feel. But most of the time I want a closeness that comes through extreme physical closeness without sex. My favorite is when I take his cage off and we just lie still with him inside me. He caresses my back and shoulders and we kiss very gently (not passionately) and we are usually silent, just enjoying each other's bodies pressing together in the ultimate intimacy. Hubby agrees that this is almost as good as actual sex and when he has had a tough day or is a little down it is actually more comforting than actual sex. It is one of those things that men might appreciate naturally more if society didn't teach him from puberty on that woman are for sex. I don't ever want them to see sex as bad. Sex is good. I just want them to see intimacy without sex is good in a different but just as meaningful way.
I like to think of it as compromise. I wanted sex every day, or twice a day, and in whatever kinky way I could think of. She wanted sex once a week maybe, with lots of cuddling and intimacy and love and respect and devotion. So we compromised: She gets lots of cuddling and intimacy and love and respect and devotion, and we have sex when and how she wants it, and in exchange, I get to wear a little cage and do whatever she asks me to. It seems to be working out well, for the most part.
It is more about the male physiology that any hope of sex is headed to sex. Think of the sperm during reproduction, there are millions of sperm all going after the ovum but only one is successful which perfectly illustrates our attempts at sex versus our success at getting sex. Men are easily stimulated, easy to climax and regularly want to go again after 20 minutes and a sandwich. We always get less sex than we want regardless of whether we're Brad Pitt or Mike Myers, it just doesn't take that much to stir us up. Women have their moments but generally know that they can have sex whenever they want it simply by agreeing to the many bees that attempt to visit that flower repeatedly. It is not a rare commodity to them like it is for us. It makes intimacy without sex so much more difficult for them because just showing some tenderness like a kiss, a gentle touch or an embrace tells the man it is time to get naked when she just wanted a touch. As silly a practice as wearing a cage on your cock may seem to others (and to us at times), it focuses male energy on the woman and removes the alternatives (primarily masturbation). I have learned a lot about myself when we started chastity because my orgasms have gone from 12-20 per month to maybe 4 and these days it is averaging something approaching one or less. I don't have an escape route for sex so any (and I mean ANY) interaction with her is precious to me. That lingering hand on her hip, the perhaps overly hungry kiss goodbye when she goes to work or the simple act of her putting her head on my chest at night to sleep.. I crave all of that activity now and I appreciate it for what it is knowing that even being invited to lick her to orgasm doesn't necessarily mean sex for me. It is a dynamic that I wish we'd started much earlier in our marriage but I'm so glad we do it now. She wants intimacy where I want sex. Chastity turns the tables and without sex as an option, I REALLY want intimacy. Sex can be a natural progression or not. She decides. I just do what I'm told a breathe heavily.
Madame continues to train me out of my old ways. Intimacy is more valuable and pleasing than sex. After over 30 years my new persona is learning this. She is overseeing my education and behavioral improvements.
well lots of men only want to put there willy inside a Lady and make mess and Ladys like lots of other thingys as well and that why it best if the Lady got the key to the mans cage. so if She dont want that then She dont unlock him.
Incredibly true statement! Prior to chastity it was easy to find a few minutes to masturbate and selfishly take care of my own sexual needs without regard for what my wife wanted or needed in the form of intimacy. I never would have guessed (or maybe subconsciously I did and was afraid to lose that escape route) that something as simple as a cage, lock, and hidden key would be such a great equalizer in our relationship. Now she’s much happier and so am I.
Thank you for those insights. We drift in and out of the lifestyle. Next time we drift out of this and back to vanilla I'm going to try to make a point of not initiating sex during intimacy and letting her take the lead. My big take away from what we're doing at the moment is that I want to keep the intimacy.
Social morality is such that couples participate in PIV sex, period; got to make more babies. Neither party can admit they don't enjoy PIV sex; women get a headache or lose interest in sex, and men experience performance anxiety and find something else to do with their time, or find a new partner or get Viagra. How many people rent porn that ONLY features PIV sex? I knew a couple that despite living together for over 5 years never participated in PIV sex, though they did have sex. His reason was religious in nature in regard to birth control. They separated but this wasn't the primary reason, as far as I know. Ref OP: For women intimacy is integral to sex, as they have make room within their body for a penis, and short of surgical sterilization and menopause, may become pregnant. Admittedly we aren't suppose to acknowledge women get horny and all rules become null and void. But if women are considering all parameters, they must feel safe. When I gave sexual massages, I would spend an hour hopefully developing some level of trust, and perhaps over the next hour they would have orgasm; I was relatively successful, but not always.