I posted this blog on another site and really want to share here. I have now been locked for 17 days with no release there are three blogs to date I will post them all now ........ I have decided to try and do a blog for the next few weeks. Goddess and myself do like to keep ourselves quite private with only a few friends knowing about us. We like it that way but we have decided it would be a nice idea to share some of our thoughts and ideas, especially regarding inline play. A bit of background.... We got together some months ago and since then we have developed a very close relationship. Even though we are 000's of miles apart we feel we are very much together and our play is certainly very real. We began by discussing in great detail our aspirations and dreams and discovered pretty quickly that we shared a common fantasy albeit on opposite sides of the coin. We both believed that this could be something very special. We then discussed limits/likes dislikes etc and then 3 days later Goddess took possession of my cock. It was locked in a CB3000. Initially we used plastic numbered tags to ensure no cheating. The chastity device was/is more symbolic between us. It defines who we are in our relationship i.e Goddess and owned slave. We have experimented in the past months with a number of games. And always have discussed in great detail the results for both of us. We feel this communication is essential to develop and continue exploring deeper into ourselves. We have sought from day one a relationship with strong foundations. I should point out that we, from day one, have cared very much for each other and shared our deepest emotions and feelings with each other. When I first met Goddess she had a few other subs. Within a very short period we mutually agreed that we both only wanted each other as is now the case. I felt that I could not truly submit if I had to 'share' Goddess with others. For both of us this journey into D/S is very intimate and very private and only by conducting a one-to-one relationship has enabled the deep exploration into ourselves we are now experiencing. I have never wanted to 'play' with a pro domme nor have I ever wanted something that was just a casual relationship. IRL I have had a couple of D/S relationships although they never worked out or enabled what Goddess and myself are now experiencing. I have been in CNC since last September and up until March I had only had a single relationship with a domme I met the night I joined. That ended at Christmas. That experience though did give me an insight into the cyber possibilities of D/S and now Goddess and myself do share many ideas. Since day one I have written a diary/blog for Goddess. It currently stands over 120,000 words and this has given Goddess the understanding of my deepest feelings and emotions empowering her to explore herself through our mutual journey. Everything we do together complements each of us. We are like Yin and Yang complete opposites in D/S but this as Yin and Yang do completes a circle. In our very early days I discovered that my torture/suffering worked on a level with Goddess I had never experienced before with a woman. She really adored our play. This is what I had been looking for all my life. I must point out here that I had never experienced any real pain play other than usual mild bedroom antics. Pain was a hard limit for me. Occasionally in our early days I had my cock slapped or my butt spanked but never more than a few times, I noticed though the effect this had on Goddess and one night in the chat room talking to another sub I had a revelation. I discovered that I wanted to really explore the punishment/pain aspects for Goddess. The sub I was talking to that night in CNC told me that his Goddess would beat him just for her own amusement or to make herself feel better. My Goddess was in the chat room at that time and afterwards we discussed this idea. Since that time we have developed many ways to inflict pain via the internet. This has expanded our exploration into D/S to a different level. I still absolutely hate pain in any form BUT seeing my Goddess loving this so much makes me feel like I have never felt before in my life. This is what we have now called our circle theory. And as Goddesses pleasure grows my submissiveness and de facto pleasure grows at the same time. We feed each other all the time - my torment/pain/anguish gives my Goddess enormous pleasure and seeing her have a massive smile on her face laughing out loud gives me more pleasure than I have ever had. Thus the circle completes. We both firmly now believe that only by having the essentials of a 'vanilla' relationship, i.e caring very deeply for each other, trusting one another, being able to communicate our deepest thoughts/feelings/emotions can D/S be possible. Goddess and I talk every single day in internet messenger or Skype and this has enabled us to understand each other and to develop our journey. Goddess will communicate her deepest thought and feelings to me this way. So I suppose I better explain the reason for this blog now, after many months of being with my Goddess. We are just about to embark on a journey for a few weeks that hopefully will end with both of us discovering even more about ourselves and our mutual love of D/S. My Goddess found a quote online that is very relevant to what we are now experiencing and where we want to go. "The Inner Layer, however, is quite different. This is the emotional interaction between the domme and sub, the 'deeper reality' of the scene. In this layer, the sub is receiving considerable pleasure from the domme's actions, physically, emotionally, and perhaps spiritually. The domme is concerned to please and pleasure the sub, so that the domme and sub are reciprocally concerned about the other's pleasure. The sub in fact has a good deal of power in the interaction, because it is the sub's consent that allows the domme to do what gives the dome pleasure. Should the sub refuse to continue playing, the domme is morally obligated to stop; in essence, the sub has the ultimate control because he or she can always end the scene. The domme's cruel, heartless exterior is part of what the sub derives pleasure from, because it enhances the feeling of control, humiliation, and powerlessness." We feel the above quote (which is part if a much longer blog) describes really well how we play with each other (our circle). However we both really feel the following quote really applies to us... "Finally, the Inner Layer is the level on which domme and sub do their emotional bonding. As the sub learns to trust the domme (and vice versa) over the course of multiple scenes, the sub is more likely to be able to push limits, open up emotionally, and become truly vulnerable to the dommes desires. This bonding is what allows dommes and subs to build lifetime relationships of love, trust, and mutual dependence. If you don't realize that the Inner Layer exists, you're less likely to find that deep connection." Our journey that we are about to embark on will take us (we hope) deeper into ourselves than ever before. I will be locked with no 'full' release for at least 26 days. This number came about from a roulette wheel. Over the coming weeks the wheel may be used in many ways to determine levels of denial torture etc, but we hope the culmination will be ecstasy like we have never experienced before in our lives. Day 26 is not the actual day for release just a minimum. I will not write about our play very much, but concentrate more on how we both feel emotionally regarding this journey. We feel our play is very intimate to ourselves. I would like to share though my thoughts feelings emotions during the coming weeks. ............
As I said a couple of days ago Goddess and myself are experiencing something truly amazing. We have very deep feelings for each other that really are making our D/S play something I have never experienced before. I have a had a couple of RL relationships where I introduced D/S to my then partners. They were not naturally dominant and I was very careful with initial play. I never pushed hard at all, I let them (hopefully) find their dominant side. BUT as I know only too well you can't manufacture a domme. Women either love it or hate it. And both these partners hated it. They couldn't hurt the one they loved even mentally (I never sought pain/punishment play back then). In fact both actually loved D/S but as subs and both times I switched with serious ramifications to my health lol. I abhor inflicting any pain/torment on a women. Both times in the past I was physically sick when I tried this. I truly hoped that after the first time I could cope with it - sadly It had the same result. I was just about able to tease the second GF but when she once begged to cum I was ill. And I gave in lol. Up until recently I knew I was looking for something. I always felt incomplete. I knew I wanted to fulfill my dream and be dominated especially in the bedroom. But I always dreamed about a woman that would love doing this and truly be a dominant. And now my dream is coming true. I can hear many saying "but it is only in cyberspace" or words to that effect, for us it is 24/7 and very real. I have been locked for many months now, and I can truly say that every day we get stronger together. We share our deepest thoughts with each other even if it risks upsetting the other, this is something I truly adore about our relationship. When it becomes a RL relationship I know it will continue in this vein. The level of trust we have for each other is incredible. In the past week it has taken on a new dimension too. As the months have gone by we have consistently moved forwards - never fast, always carefully and within our comfort zone. I have never even come close to using our safe word, but now I truly hope that this is something that will happen. Perhaps not use it but at least contemplate using it. I really want to explore my limits both mentally and physically. In the past months I have consistently moved through different levels of submission, and Goddess has moved through different levels of domination too. We have always communicated our desires and feelings to each other and have never been out of our comfort zones with any play. I said in my first blog that I won't really go into much detail about our play together but to highlight the above point..... When we first played I said there was occasional mild punishment she would slap her cock a few times and once in the early days hit my inner thigh a few times with a riding crop. I have already said that I could see how much she loved this and after a few months I wanted to experiment with more of this kind of play. The first time we tried this my butt was spanked very hard with a wooden paddle 80 times. It was purple for days. When we discussed this Goddess felt slightly worried that she had gone too far. I found that not only could I tolerate the punishment, but I truly loved it because it pleased her so much. To see her laughing at my pain getting aroused from my suffering is such an incredible feeling. I don't go into subspace from anything physical done to me. It is always dictated by her level of excitement and pleasure. And now I find myself going high just by thinking about these kind of events, thinking about her pleasure and seeing in my mind's eye her beautiful face laughing at my pain. Mule said in one of his many posts "that why get on the bus when you can drive it yourself" lol. I hope I don't get prosecuted for copyright infringement there . So back to the past week......... Something changed between us. For a few months we have been in love. A love that has been a revelation to me. I never ever thought it could be possible to fall in love in cyberspace. With someone I never met. Let alone the love to be stronger and deeper than I have ever felt before. And trust me here, in my life I have loved many times. I have lived with six different women (I am the male equivalent of Liz Taylor lol) Last week we both seemed, at the same time, to enter a place I have never experienced before. Something that has made me question my past life. Our love went into a different dimension. (that is the only way I can describe it). Was I ever in love before? And the above will transform our play....... as I have already said we have been exploring this inner layer of D/S that I talked about in my last entry and to date this had been the most incredible experience of my life. Last week it changed. In the past months I was teased quite relentlessly and I could control my 'emissions'. Last week I could not. Just seeing Goddess in ecstasy made me 'emit' (for want of a better word) twice in 10-15 mins. There was no orgasm not even a ruined one. I just emitted lol. But this new level of love has made me submit even more to Goddess. I truly am controlled by her. And I love this feeling. Our circle of D/S works so well..... I adore giving her pleasure and as this increases our mutual pleasure grows all the time. I am a little scared where this may go.....A few weeks ago I had gone quite a prolonged time with no full release. I was being teased and I was begging to be allowed to cum. I was allowed to cum, but afterwards it scared me that if I had been relocked and not allowed I may have broken down and cried. Could Goddess ever be that cruel? If she is I am certain her excitement and pleasure will be immeasurable. And of course, with the circle in place, so will mine for giving her this gift.
This week has been the most amazing of my life. I should be frustrated and in some form of purgatory but I am not. I have now been locked with no full release for over two weeks. I have no idea when I will feel the elation of an orgasm again. But the truth is I don't really care at the moment In fact I am in heaven from the most incredible relationship I have ever known. I have been used and abused almost every day for weeks and the pleasure I am able to give my Goddess is making me feel so fulfilled. Two nights ago she was using me. It went on for what seemed like hours but far from being a torture (because I was not allowed to cum) it was the most amazing and beautiful experience of my life. In my whole life I have always felt an overwhelming desire to orgasm when the women I am with has an orgasm. The feeling of giving pleasure, for me, has always been so overwhelming that I cannot help myself and I have had to cum. Two nights ago something was very very different. In the past I have never really been able to "fuck" fast for any extended period either. I will always cum too soon if I do this. I always would slow down speed up etc to prolong the experience. I have always been aware of this especially when the woman I am with gets close to orgasm. So two nights ago she was using me. Faster and faster she went. Over and over again she would stop, then go slow but then speed up for long periods. I have no idea how long this went on for, but at no time did I want or feel that I wanted or needed to cum. I was simply being used for her pleasure and it felt truly wonderful. And finally, when she had the most incredible release I have ever seen any woman ever have, something happened that I have never experienced before. I simply wept from the most incredible joy I have ever felt. It wasn't real tears, but that was because I stopped myself. I was really scared but everything inside me was literally sobbing with tears of joy. I know how I felt. It was the most submissive I have ever been in my life. I existed purely for her pleasure and this knowledge was more than enough for me. I did not require any more. When that happened I felt it was the best orgasm I had ever experienced. Not by a little but it was 100s of times more pleasurable than anything in my sordid past. I am so excited by this. As is Goddess. before this experience in order for her to make me last longer she put two condoms on me. I felt nothing but at least did manage some longevity. The truly wonderful thing about all of this is that Goddess is becoming more powerful, more dominant, and to the outsider looking in, probably cruel. It is not cruel at all. But last night after a similar period of play, she told me to re-lock her cock. I did beg for mercy a little but did as she asked. She was literally peeing herself laughing at me. She said my face said it all. How pathetic I looked and she loved this so much. I felt so small and so under her spell. She is a true domme. She is not just playing for excitement but is truly experiencing incredible feelings of arousal from the power she has over me. I think she is experiencing something akin to subspace. I feel certain that as the next few weeks plays out she will feel this more and more. And I have to say that I am so proud and privileged to have such a wonderful domme, a woman that truly understands D/S and completely comprehends that pleasure is not really a physical feeling. For sure pleasure is achieved from the physical but the real pleasure is in the mind. So even in cyberspace (in fact potentially it is easier to achieve this in cyberspace) unparalleled pleasure and levels of arousal are possible. And now it is so clear to me how much aftercare she needs. It must be a truly scary feeling loving someone and actually abusing that special person, torturing him, tormenting him but ultimately still loving him. I now reassure Goddess how much I love her, how much I love our special time spent together, because I know only too well the feeling of any kind of drop. I would not want Goddess to ever feel that, she is too special. I want to say a thank you to my Goddess for being the most incredible woman I have ever met, and for allowing me to live what I have dreamed about for most of my adult life. This is truly amazing......................