As I wrote in earlier threads, I'm approaching my new female dominant position from a history of incest and feeling unloved by men, wanting to do almost anything for approval and love and basically feeling like shit about myself, never good enough etc. to where I don't even want to try anymore. For some reason I lucked out and have a terrific loving husband who it totally into chastity and WANTS me to call the shots. My question is, how can I gently coax myself into being playful with him, how do you learn to have fun, to relax- how can I learn to not be so guarded - being able to play WITH him would probably be just as good for me as for him. Where do I start- in concrete ways- how to touch him. I have a hard time with the whole teasing idea because I can't stand to be teased. I feel like it's mean. I don't want to be nasty, but he says he wants that. I feel I don't like myself when I feel like I'm being mean . But I want to make him happy. Then i wonder do I really want to make him happy or am I still trying to please my dad and my brother so that they will love me? Sorry to be so complicated but this is the crap that goes on in my head when I contemplate hitting the sack with my subhub- thanks for any suggestions. xox new one
Hi new one When I read your post it was like I had written it myself. Where you are at now was me 2 years ago. I have struggled with my past for 33 years. It has been really hard and not a pleasant experience. It has lead me to broken relationships, abortion, promiscuity and alcohol dependency . My relationship with my family has crumbled leaving me distant towards my mother and the relationship with the brother in question was icy to say the least. My brother died suddenly this April so as awful as it sounds this has brought me closure. I think that it will be the love of your husband that will help you through this. The main thing that you must remember through all of this is that IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You need to separate the feelings you have now from then. I know this is hard to do but you need to know that the love your husband has for you is real and solid. The point that you are at with chastity can allow you to express your love for him but you need to forget the guilt and the hurt and embrace the closeness that is available through the love you oth have . Focus on the role play to start. Remember you are not being mean to him. This is what he wants- the pleasure/pain that he will experience will be immense. By doing this you are fulfilling his fantasies and taking you both to a higher plain. The question is whether you can open yourself and be the sexy,wonderful, giving, caring person you truly are. Take your time, little steps and talk to your husband lots. This is a VERY intimate thing between yourselves, something others don't understand and cannot comprehend as loving. Don't let the past spoil the rest of your time together . The love of my partner has lifted me and made me whole, he has released me from my misery and showed me that I am worthy of loving/life . I now know what I am here for. He is truly a wonderful man. I hope that you can explore and achieve what you're looking for . I wrote this to let you know there is life after incest- I am living proof.
For my heart goes out to you,no one should have to deal with that kind of crap. Life is hard enough with out dealing with that as well. My only advice is to talk to a councillor and to under stand that the man you are with now love you so much that he want you to be in control of his sex life and apart from that,take it very slowly ....... Spider
Mistress Deborah, I have read,and reread, your deeply thoughtful reply to "new one". You are wise indeed ! Regards
New One I get what you are saying about not wanting to tease him because you feel like this is mean, my key holder feels the same way (well at least she used to, she is starting to realise that it is not mean at all, it's delightful). It doesn't seem natural to her to deny a man of his orgasm, it goes against everything she has been taught before. Also reinforcing this, is that fact that she herself does not like to be teased and denied. But trust me, he wants to be denied and he wants you to own his orgasms. You just have to get used to it, as it is not the norm but really, who wants the norm? I bet he would rather you came than himself, after all I'm sure your pleasure is a lot more important to him than his own. As for how to play with him, have fun, not be guarded etc. my advice here would be to take it slow and talk, talk some more and then talk again. One of the things I love most about chastity is the honesty my partner and I share. I'm sure with communication and time you will have a wonderful relationship and sex life. You said it yourself, you call the shots now, enjoy it!!
I have read your post a number of times and I can understand where you are coming from. When my subhub first brought up the idea me dominating him, I had a hard time not letting him cum after a session. As time passed and I got more confident with what I was doing and understanding this was what he needed and desired, I started to relax and have more fun. Now that he is in his chastity device 24/7/365 and I have complete control over all sexual matters, I would never want to have it any other way. It will take some time, go at your own speed, and if you do not feel comfortable for any reason, just remember you are the one in charge. Your hubby understands that your pleasure and satisfaction are paramount, not his.
I agree with worthit: At Her Feet by by TammyJo Erkhart is an awesome book, and quite possibly the best I've read on FemDom relationships. I just wish the person that borrowed my copy returned it