My journey

Nothing new really to post. It's been ups and downs mentally. Maynbe the increase of Spironolactone has caused this, I'm not sure. I haven't noticed much else. Normally I have libido and I want sex and attention. I haven't felt that. I don't feel anything sexually since my last post. It's weird for me.

In January my wife told me that she would enjoy going out for drinks with another man. I say this as someone who has had ultimate conversations with her about cuckolding and hotwifing lifestyle. We dabbled in the past before menopause and after menopause things stopped as I've said before.

Anyways, she finally said she wanted to but said she didn't want to chat or talk to anyone and just to set it up.

It took me a long time to find someone. Someone real, someone that she'd be attracted to, and someone she would enjoy the company of. I presented it and she said she didn't want to.

I totally get it, makes sense. It was disappointing though. I was looking forward to starting some kink in that direction. Mind you, there was no expectations other than drinks and hanging out. I can see how that would be awkward though. I get it. Maybe the disappointment from that is what caused my lack of libido? Maybe it's the pills? Maybe I'm just getting old.

I have been working out and I'm noticing less change than I would normally. Again is it age? Is it the pills? Makes me want to get some testosterone to get rid of some of this belly. Why can't my fat go to my ass? I'd much rather have a plump ass than a gut.

That's about the only update I have.

 

I remember reading a story back when I was in the Army. I was married at the time, to my now ex wife. We were living in AZ and she went back to OK to take care of her mother. My nights were lonely and I found myself diving into nifty story archive. I enjoyed reading stories and seeing through the eyes and imagination of others.

I came across a story I thought I'd never read or be into and I thought about it today. I went searching for it and I found it.

https://www.nifty.org/nifty/transgender/authoritarian/from-mob-to-shemale

It was the first story I read about Trans and I guess my obsession with the God Father and Scarface back then made me want to see what this title was all about.

At the time, people were more prude and bot accepting of anything other than a traditional relationship between m-f. It was a time of "don't ask, don't tell" and even that was a huge leap forward.

Anyways, it was cool to find the story. I read it again and thought I'd share.

 

Its been awhile. I've continued to wear chastity and I'm on 50mg of spironolactone. My libido isn't like before. I'm okay with it though.

I have been wearing CK Micro and in the past I've tried the Innie. It didn't work before. I keep looking at my little clitty and it seems to be getting smaller over time. Is it the meds? Who knows?

I decided to try the CK Innie again. It fit. It took some work to get on but I was able to. I didn't have much of a ball gap because my ring is so small so I couldn't wear it for long.

But... I got it on and wasn't able to at all before. I was excited. I've been waiting for the InnieVader from CK to really start enjoying inverted so I'm glad the Innie fit. I still can't wait for the InnieVader. Not sure if it'll ever release though.

Here's some pictures of my success today.

 

Okay, so as I await the inverted through Cherry Keeper, I came across the FuFu Clip. It looked interesting so I thought I'd try.

It's not the same as chastity, but I actually do like the looks of it. What do you think? It took some practice getting on.

 

I ordered a new plug. One of the members here suggested SquarePeg toy. They mentioned that it sits perfectly inside and doesn't cause issues with long term wear.

So, it sits now, awaiting the day I have a moment to experiment.

 

So, I've had time this week. The squarepeg toy I got was pretty large. I've played fot a few days and today was the first day I've been able to get the plug all thr way in.

I spent about an hour getting ready to take it. Fingers, then a smaller toy, medium toy, and then onto the squarepeg. Once I got it close, I squeezed down and then it popped in. It felt so good. I was shaking uncontrollably and my clit had some precum leaking as I sat there shaking.

I was happy getting it all the way in and decides to take a break until tomorrow.

This toy feels really good. It's soft silicone and it's the first time I've tried a toy like this. I can't wait to see what it's like after it sits inside of me for awhile, opening me up.

I got the 3xl if you're wondering.

 

So today was another day of exploring with my new toy. It's been a pretty exciting time even though it's solo. I've been playing with chastity and today I removed it while playing. I was even more turned on by looking at my small clitty nearly turtling as I impale myself with a large toy.

 

Okay, so it's been awhile since I post. I've had a few doctor appointments and the latest is a hormone specialist.

She has taken me off spironolactone. She says that the reason I am feeling the way I am is because my hormones are out of whack. My estrogen was normal but my testosterone was very low. So it's making me feel the things I'm feeling.

She put me on cjc1295 for now and this Thursday we have another appointment to discuss TRT. She believes that if I can get my testosterone where it should be, I will feel better, have less anxiety and depression, my libido will return, and my parts will go back to normal.

So, let's see what happens.

 

So my doctors appointment went well. I ended up with a prescription of testosterone and this is my first week using it. I have cut the spironolactone out, continued cjc 1295, and now Im on test cypionate.

I'm feeling more alpha again already. My balls are larger and my dick is getting size back. I feel better, but still feel like I'm missing something. I feel like there's a large void that I could fill just around the corner and I'm moving further away from it. I don't know, hard to explain.

 

Okay, three weeks now on TRT and my dick is close to back to normal. I'm erect a lot and it's close to 7" hard again. It's weird. When my testosterone was low I felt more like a sissy and wanted to cage my dick and even fantasized about being used.

Now, I can't get women and sissies off my mind. I truly feel like I'm in my 20s again. I feel confident and horny like I used to.

Does testosterone have that much effect on the brain? Is it coincidence? I have no idea
I do enjoy this feeling though. It's nice to feel back to myself.... or who I'm used to being.

I'm not sure I'll post here again. Maybe, maybe not. I do know I feel good and more like an alpha again. Do I crave the other things still? Not really at all. I feel like that part is over and I can do away with cages, spironolactone, and wanting to be fucked. Let's see.

 

Well, that didn't last long. I'm back and I am still on TRT. I'm horny all the time, but I am finding that I am not horny like I used to be before chastity. I'm not wearing it all the time, but I do wear it when I'm playing.

I have been wearing chastity, playing with dildos, fantasizing about sucking dick, and wanting to be feminized. I'd be an ugly woman after this many years, but the thought of wishing I could go back in time and live it as a woman has crossed my mind a lot lately.

We have argued a few times now about sex. I blame her menopause, she blames me for not coming on to her like I used to. It's been hard because simple sex doesn't turn me on anymore. I want it to be the way it was. We went from being swingers and bringing in people to our sex life, to literally nothing. It's like eating the best food of your life for three months and then being served nothing but oatmeal for every meal. I can live with it, but there's so much better. I kinda understand why guys want a Virgin. If a woman doesn't know better, you're the best. Kinda massogonistic isn't it? Sorry my mind is all over the place today.

So for the past few weeks I have been playing in chastity, with a new toy. I have not jacked off or gotten myself off at all unless it's from anal play. It's my first time using a sinnovator knot toy and I have to say, I'm loving it.

I can't get the knot in, so that's a challenge and with each thrust that goes deeper I literally go into convulsions and cum from it. I wanted to perfect the no hands ejaculated orgasm and I am getting much better at it. I'm finding that I can cum two ways. I flex my anus like Im trying to stop peeing while I ride the toy over my prostate. Fast, short thrusts, while I ride and flex that muscle seem to send me over the edge and I spurt from it. This is very similar to a regular orgasm for me. I cut a lot.

The other is something I already typed above. I am spurting cum every time I go deeper on this knot and I flex my prostate when it's at the widest point. Sometimes it'll just leak out and it feels good, but not like the actual spurt where my body convulsed.

What I find is that I don't have down time afterward. There's no lull in my level of being horny. I'm still just as horny afterward and I can continue again and again.

I really do crave a gangbang now that I know. I could literally be the center of attention for 20 guys and love every minute of it. I also understand the fascination of fishing now too. If a toy can get me off this easily, I can't imagine someone in and out with something that large right on the prostate. Wow!

Alright, that's all I have. No one reads this shjt anyways, but maybe someday I'll come back and read it all.

 

So this is going to sound morbid I'm sure.
There were these two gay guys that lived down the street from me when I was like 12. I used to sit outside their house around the time they came home to say hi.

I found myself fantasizing about them both using me sexually as I jacked off to those thoughts.

I always craved them to invite me over. They never did. Obviously they weren't child molesters and back then I didn't even know it was illegal. I just knew what I wanted.

I moved from that place, but I never stopped that weird fantasy. I wished they had grabbed me, feminized me, used me sexually, and made me their sex toy. A part of me wanted to be tied up, forced to take pills, used sexually, and changed until I enjoyed what they made me.

What a crazy fantasy huh? Who fantasizes about crap like that when they are 12?

 

Today, I played anally with a new toy. It's been some time since I've had any release. I purchased this new toy from Sinnovator called the Warrior. It's a rather large dildo with a nice little knot toward the end of it.

I've watched and read about them for awhile and it seems that many guys have uncontrollable orgasms from knotting. I thought I'd give it a try.

I've been using this toy for awhile and I can't get the knot in. It's too big. I did give it a full effort today though. I had 3 orgasms from.it and came all over the place. I have been working on my hands free orgasms from awhile too, but this toy sent me over the edge.

I told myself I'd do 30 thrusts and then push it in as far as I could. I did it and it didn't pop in. So I sat deeply on the knot and circled around with my hips. When I came off of I, my dick grew hard and sent me into convulsions while my cock spasmed and shot a few streams of cum.

It felt good. I got off for a few minutes and repeated what I just did and it worked again.

Again, I did it a third time.... same results.

I did notice I got deeper with each time. I wanted to keep going, but I thought I'd give myself a break and come back later.

I'll be trying this again with chastity next time.

 

Okay, another day of playing with a toy. Picture of the toy should be attached.

I watched a video of a sissy having multiple orgasms from this toy. I tried to find it again and link it, but I wasn't able to. Maybe she took it down?

Anyways, I was finally able to, for a short period time, take the knot. As soon as I did, I went into convulsions nearly and my clitty started spurting semen. I mustve shot 7 or 8 times and it was limp. My whole body felt amazing and the feeling took me over. It was euphoric and I wanted more.

I started to really ride it and each time I didn't quite get the entire knot in, but it was at the breaking point which I love. I love that stretch. Each time I'd feel a deep stretch, my clittle would thank me and spurt a little cum for me to see its gratitude.

Again, this made me hotter and I really slammed onto the knot pushing to the base finally and then I held if there and rocked back and forth and side to side like an ugly cowgirl riding a bull. I spewed over and over and moaned like a girl.

I finished, cleaned up, and now as I type this, my hole feels gaped, wide, and stretched open. I love this feeling.

 

It's been awhile since I've post. I go back and forth with things. I think I struggle with identity. I struggle because my partner isn't into any of this. I've tried to get her to go on this journey with me, but she won't. It's hard to give up your current identity for an identity that would ultimately .ake you happier as a human.

I have a lot of respect for those of you out there that make hard decisions to become who you are.

I know that I love cock. I am attracted to sissies, trans MTF, and men. Im envious of women. I guess I have vagina envy. I wish I was a woman, and not just a woman, but a sexy smoking hot one.

I know that I'm too old to make thwt type of transition. I'm too old, too chunky, too masculine, and I'd be an ugly, lonely woman. So I give that dream up, for family, a sexless relationship, normalcy to make sure my kids aren't affected by me.

On another subject, I bought a 3 bumps for your rump dildo the other day. It took me less than 2 minutes to habe a hands free orgasm it. I leaked a couple times and then my cock shot a nice load out. I'm not sure why people call that a ruined orgasm, because it felt amazing to me. My clittle was actually limp and shot out two or three good streams as I convulsed. Felt so good.

 

Okay, so I stopped feeling sorry myself and decided for round two..glad I did. It felt so good.. it looks ugly, but feels good.

Here's some pictures and a video if they allow it.

 

I've been good awhile, so I'll try to be quick

My anal play has stepped up. One of those toys that I purchased from Sinnovator was pretty large. It's taken me a long time, but I finally have worked the entire knot dildo into myself this week. I've played daily for a few days with it and today I was able to go down to the base and rock back and forth pretty good before having an anal orgasm.

My wife started taking testosterone for her libido. She's really horny again for the first time in years. I, on the other hand, have had so much solo time exploring that I'm prefer eating her put and using toys on her to.please her.

She and I talked about the possibility of making me a cuckold. She's more apprehensive than I am. She worries about things like:
What if I do it and I love it?
What if I can't get enough dick?
What happens if it's so much better than you?
What happens if I fall in love?
How can we prevent a tragedy, but still do it?

I answered the best and most honest way I could.

I told her that the entire point is it being better than me and giving her a pleasure I can't. I want her to love it and I want her to get so horny from it she feels like she needs more.

I want her to have such pleasure that she thinks about it daily and wants it.

I just don't want to lose her and we need to come up with a plan to ensure it's stays her and I against the world.

What this turns into is up to her.