the journey continues....

Born an idiot - Always an idiot!

Just when i thought things were progressing well - what did i do... push the envelope and cause her to 'loose it'. i heard T Boone Pickins talking on the radio the other night about a large investment he made in the wind energy sector. He's a smart guy, he understand the fundamentals of the game, but made a risky move and lost big dollars for pushing the envelope and going in to early. i have to remind myself - this is a play for the long-game, no need for risky moves and as i said in an earlier post - i have to be the turtle not the hare!

Yet, i will admit, i am a royal idiot! It is particularly stupid to do this right after processing what had happened over the past few days and making the written statement above that i would keep my head down and try to get a few reproducible moments with her controlling my release. Clearly i cannot follow my word, as i pushed and prodded a little bit last night, trying to get her to firm up some commitment to a punishment schedule. The result of which was a fury of some very strong frustrations about how i have been so focused on getting rewarded and always take our conversations to a point where it focuses on my cock. i'm a dick - literally - thinking with the wrong head!

Hopefully i haven't rocked the boat to much, it is a good reminder that i do need to keep my head down and hope to secure some repeatable releases under her loving watch and care. However, to provide the consistent reminder of my need to back off and keep my mouth shut - on went the CB6K this morning. i have needed to make a few minor adjustments through-out the day - as others may comment, it's challenging to get a 'comfortable' fit when one is not uncut. i have the key on a chord around my own neck, so that minor tweaks and realignments can be made today - but by tomorrow i will place the key in a drawer and get on with life.

It is possible that my posts may get lighter and infrequent for a few days, as i will be trying hard not to do anything that could derail the progress we have made to date. If something does come up, however, i will share it.

 

@Mistress B - you are spot on. i was up early this morning such that i could clean up and get things in order before my wife got out of bed. During this quiet time, i sat back and re-read the past week's posts and agree with you - this does read as being highly orchestrated. i found it interesting, however, to note that while i had attempted to map out a strategy, i found myself to weak in character to stay true to it. Regardless - i think the point that you are quite importantly making is that this is very much a one sided conversation. i am pushing, prodding and talking extensively about different aspects of engaging in a FLR - and in doing so i am saturating the conversation with my views, opinions and ambition - rather than allowing her space to articulate and demonstrate what she wants.

Thank you for raising this point. As this IS meant to be a conversations with my wife - i need to shut-up, back down and listen to what she has to say - rather than plotting some new action to keep pushing things forward.

 

And i thought things had gone wrong!

my Queen walked in on me today as i was making adjustments to the CB6K after a shower. i covered myself with a towel, which made her realize that there was something awry. In the moment, i apologized, suggesting that i had played with myself in the shower and was finishing things off. To this, she said that i should just close the door properly next time and then she walked out.

Later this afternoon she asked if i had enjoyed myself - i mentioned that i didn't finish as i was supposed to restrain until Friday. This then led the conversation onto my alleged infraction requiring punishment. my Queen is torn between adding one or two additional days to my scheduled release date. She feels that it should be worth two, but i think as it is my first offense, she has opted for one.

It seems strange to me that i now gain a sick sense of pleasure from the idea of being delayed!

 

Is this fitting right?

I am writing a short note to ask for help and or guidance from those with more experience. I locked myself back into the cb6k Saturday morning, using the largest ring and one of the smaller spacer. The largest ring is the smallest I can go, I can just barely squeeze my finger under my shaft.

I have become comfortable with the fit and no longer have any pain from irritating or stretching the vas deferens. However, I am not convinced that this fits me right.

As noted I am a grower, maxing out at a fraction more than 8inches. Tonight as I lay in bed, my erection pushes my head to the tip of the tube and drags my sack and nuts forward aggressively. At first this was the painful part, put my skin must have loss end some over the past week as it is no longer painfully tight. Instead, I now have about 4 inches of erect shaft jutting out horizontally from my body before the cage then forces the downward curve.

The question is.... Is this normal? Have I made a mistake in the fitting and sizing? Is there a way to keep the a ring closer to the body so that erection is halted earlier?

Thanks!

 

Hello all, i have read and valued much of the guidance provide by you to date and i appreciate the support. As identified by both @allaboutHer and @Mistress B , i must stop TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM. i have, to the best of my ability, tried that over the past few days - i have backed off completely on trying to encourage her to read things or do things. Rather, i have focused my efforts on serving her - continuing with the house and home duties.

At her beck and call:
iam pleased to report - however - that she is growing into the role. In that she is developing a level of comfort with being 'waited on'. She was happy to have me prepare dinner, put the kids to bed, clean the kitchen etc while she was watching her favorite TV show. i joined and she was happy to have me rub her feet (without thinking i was being weird). Yesterday evening as she watched TV with a G&T in hand, i was standing to the side of the couch doing the ironing when she commented that the G&T needed more lime and asked me to go get some. Then a little later it needed more tonic and later again it needed a splash more gin. i think that she was getting a kick out of having me at her beck and call. i honestly think that she enjoys it - so long as i'm not making it obvious by saying things like - yes mistress or certainly madam!

Tease and denial:
As our relationship now has put in place a process for her to direct me - which includes making a list of things i must work on each day - we are also taking time at the end of each day to review progress and discuss any changes to the plans. Last night she was incredibly impressed with the achievements i made on some home renovation efforts. i joked that perhaps i could have a reward that evening - she said no! but followed by, maybe later in the week if i keep up the good work. .... is this the beginning of teasing and denial?!


This morning i continued my routine of taking care of the kids, making the bed and prepping a breakfast for her, while she is in the shower. i have started laying out an outfit for her in the mornings too. i try to not be too pervy and suggest outfits that are appropriate for the work place, but i have been laying out some of her more sexy underwear - that is more for me than for her. When i tried this a few days ago she didn't wear what i put out. However, for the past two days, she has worn the outfit i laid out - either i am getting better at suggesting women clothing ensembles or she has become comfortable with me waiting on her in this way too.

Exercize:
@tegelad , you may appreciate this. As i have been successful in lightening her work load for over one month now, my Queen has decided that we all (whole family) should start using the gym membership again. This morning we packed our bags for the gym and we will head there after she finishes work. She has told me that i should take the kids swimming and she will go do cardio workouts for half and hour and then join us. This is fantastic as she now has the energy to consider investing back in herself. i'm so proud of her growth and want to find more ways to support her.

Oh - before i forget - i put the CB6K back on myself on Friday (today's Tuesday) so that i would restrain myself from self pleasure and remind myself of my role in servitude. However, i found that with access to keys, i would take it off, clean, reorganize and generally fiddle with it. A few days ago (Sunday i think it was), i changed out the brass for the plastic tamper proof locks. This has stopped me from easily removing it - and was the right step towards getting comfortable with 24-7 wearing of the cage.

However, i am now wondering - WHAT SHOULD I DO REGARDING SWIMMING WITH THE FAMILY? i'm torn between wearing multiple layers of underwear under my swimwear to try and hide the outline - or simply take it off later today and put it back on tonight? Any thoughts you all have would be greatly appreciated. Please remember that to date the use of a CB is only known by me, my Queen would probably find it very weird to know that i have been wearing this and it would probably jeopardize her becoming comfortable about taking control in the relationship. So, while i do want to avoid topping from the bottom anymore, i also want to avoid doing things that might cause her to stop growing in her role.

 

Denied again! is it bad to say YAY to getting further delays added to the release date?

@tegelad - thanks for the note, i value the input you (and others) are providing - i think the reminder that i've been developing certain kinks in my head for a decade or two and bringing that into my relationship needs to be done slowly and with her support.

@SubVerity and @tegelad : thanks both for the thoughts about swimming. In the end, as i was unsure about how the changing situation would go - I opted to cut off the plastic tamper proof lock and to put it back on later.

i took it off about 4-5 hours ago and used the opportunity for a thorough cleaning of myself and the CB6K. i got in bed this evening with my Queen, without getting chance to put it back on. In bed we reviewed my list of tasks and she was happy to see progress, but unimpressed with a couple of things being delayed. Additionally, while she was lying there reading her book, i took the opportunity to check that everything was in working order. After a few minutes of slow 'massage' my wife ask "are you playing with yourself?" There was no denying it and in response she promptly told me to stop-it and that my reward was now delayed until Sunday! i used the opportunity to let her know that i find it hard to not play with myself and 'wondered' if there was a way to prevent it...."perhaps, when I'm in bed, we should tie my hands behind my back" i said. i then excused myself to the couch so that i could wait for things to subside. i've retrieved the CB6K, given it a rinse and a dry - and will put it back on as soon as possible this evening.

This little excursion - out of chastity - got me thinking about the cleaning issue. i'm not having a lot of luck using Qtips and a hair dryer. i've been using a small syringe to inject water under moderate pressure for cleaning and just bought a squirt bottle online to be able to irrigate the area with larger volumes. However, being a chemical engineer, this got me thinking that what these devices need is built-in 'clean-in-place' capability. For all chemical and biological production systems the pipes and reaction vessels require cleaning. This is done either as clean 'in-place' or 'out-of-place' - CIP or COOP. COOP is what i just did - take it off, scrub it, sanitize it, dry it and put it back in service. A lot of science and engineering has been established to know how to implement CIP - It must be possible to have a way for the relevant system to be integrated into the device so that you can flow water for irrigation and sanitation and then run an air-stream through to dry?

All - tell me how you clean and dry yours ...if you are wearing for extended periods that is.

 

Throwing away the playbook!

@allaboutHer - thank you once again for the slap in the face saying suggesting that I wake up and smell the roses! As much as I have heard what you and others like @Mistress B have said, i do continue to indulge my kinks in the closet and piecemeal bring parts of them into the relationship.

i know that i need to 'man-up' and share who i am with my wife more openly - but, as i hope/expect many of you can understand - it's FREAKING SCARY. What if it it turns her off and she doesn't want to be intimate with me anymore? Worse - what if she decides that i'm sexually too strange and she doesn't want our kids to be influenced by me and decides to leave me? These are just a few of the fears, i have more and there seems to be greater risk than reward at present. That is likely why these thoughts have stayed hidden / suppressed.

i think that the playbook was my 'crutch' to help me slowly approach the conversation with her in bite-size pieces - that way, if one of the steps did create a problem, it was a small step and a surmountable problem - it could be addressed by stopping, retracting and pretending it never happened. And, in that situation, i could attempt to retrace and ignore the elephant in the room.

i've been spending sometime looking further into the sources that caused me to develop the playbook model in the first place - i think a lot of it came from early materials by Mistress Sutton. It seems a number of web sites have supported the concept of 'stealth submission' as a viable way to engage with your Queen and show her what you could be. However, this thread has caused me to start to challenge the logic in this. It does seem that, when approached like this, it is clearly TOPPING FROM THE BOTTOM (per @Mistress B 's comments).

For others that are engaging in a similar path to me, i found this podcast about the topic and they - rightly so - name it Stealth Topping. Here's the link on the website MenSubmit . i'm sure there is no one way to approach this, but to subject a relationship to a stealth attack that from others experience will end in failure seems ludicrous. Enstein said that INSANITY is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result and Newton said (paraphrase) success comes from learning from those that went before you.

Update: I have removed the CB6K. It will be stored away in a box until i have the confidence and courage to discuss it openly with her. However, i will continue to remain chaste and my Queen continues to own/control the schedule of my release. As noted - due to a minor indiscretion last night, i have been delayed now until Sunday - that will be 10 days.

 

All - please note the change of my username to @MeaghanMaid i would appreciate your support in referencing that going forward! Greatly appreciated!