RubberDucks journal

Hi all,

I have decided to move my journal to Chastity Mansion. I used to have a journal on blogger.com but find it more appealing to post it here among likeminded people. This is a place where my quirks and kinks can be understood.

First of all, a little about me.. Im 34 years old and from Denmark. Me and my mistress have a small company together where we both work. Besides that, I study philosophy. I love to read books and listen to music. My favorites are Rammstein, Tom Waits and Portishead among others. I have taught kids and adults in martial arts but these days I am only doing some fitness to keep in shape. I live with my mistress and she is my loving partner in life. I cherish her so much and she is known in here as Fantasee.

This journal is intended to primarily revolve around the Ds-part of our relationship and chastity, but.. Life is rich and contains many facets that are intertwined in our lifestyle. Therefore I intend to post issues that other people in that context can relate to, even though the issues (big or small) may not be directly related to chastity or Ds.

I am danish and english is not even my second language. Therefore you need to put on the forgiving attitude when reading this. Meaning: I know that I can communicate in english, but subtle frases are easily misunderstood and sayings are not always applied correctly. So tell me if something sounds strange or simply wrong. The language may be the cause.

But.. This is a journal.. Today I have had a light hangover. Yesterday my dear old friend came to visit and we had some wine. I quickly got tired due to a lack of sleep, but she continued to talk to my friend until 8 am. So today she has been very tired But they had a good conversation and a good time last night and its been all worth it.

My chastity: The belt is a Neosteel belt and I have been locked in for some time now. It has taken some time to get used to it and to bend it in just the right way. I am slim and thus my hipbone is prone to abrasions when wearing a full steel belt. It started out as an experiment but the mindset the belt induces has come as a surprise to both mistress and I. We both like to keep it that way so the keys are securely locked in the safe and I do not know when (or if) I will have an orgasm or release. It may not be this year. I only hope that I can fullfill my mistress' wishes and desires and I also hope (and starting to know and realize) that my eventual release will be her decision alone without regard to my wishes and desires.

Right now she is sitting at her (my!) computer in her white robe waiting to go to bed after a long day and I sit in my chair with my Mac while writing this. Life is good

Goodnight to you all..

 

LOL Thanks for the pic, Madamsboy and MW: It seems like Fantasee has overcome her difficulties. Thanks for helping

 

Its almost five in the morning an I still cant sleep. Im tired but unable to mentally relax.

This evening my mistress needed relief and I gave it to her. On several occations using my tounge, fingers and a strap on. It was wonderful to feel her lust and desire while being securely locked. -Yet frustrating and I could have continued to please her the rest of the night. Before falling asleep she even promised to keep me locked up for several weeks to come because she really likes my new attitude. In a way it is horrible but it is also liberating to solemnly focus on her needs all though my submissive nature is ever present. She is the kind does what she says without hesitation.
In an odd way it fullfills my desires to see and feel her desires. It feels like my submissiveness is not due my own mental processes, but due to hers. She makes me submissive and by giving her the key, I have handed her the ability to form my sexuality in any way she sees fit. I am not trying to avoid my personal responsibillities about my sexuality but emphasize that handing it over is only my choice.

Well.. Again I ramble on.. But I only have two worries for the next couple of weeks. 1) I am attending a Rammstein concert with a friend in december and I am worried that they might have metal detectors. I gave it a good thought and wrote to my mistress, that if I had the courage to hand my sexuality over to her, I would find the courage to ask the security officer to show me the examination room. Topping from the bottom can be done in many ways. -Also by not showing courage and responsibility. 2) I have some exams coming up in a couple of weeks and Im afraid that I can not concentrate enough while being belted. i have worn it for ten days now and I hope that the period of not wanting sex or release is about to start. I have hear that it comes after more than a week and hope that also goes for me, because now I find it hard to concentrate about anything else than pleasing my mistress. Hence the fact that its five o'clock in the morning and Im still awake.

 

Valsboy: Thank you very much.. I tend to be stubborn and never be satisfied when it comes to work. That has so far been my primary drive and its been working quite well. Thanks for the thoughts.

Today I have nothing new to add and that makes me contemplate. Yesterday I had no significant issues and this morning I woke up many times and routinely changed my sleeping position without giving it much thought.

This evening we went to a caf with some friends and the belt felt like a natural part of me. Actually I want to wear it and i think that -if given the chance- I would prefer it to stay on. I dont feel constantly turned on and feel very calm. Yesterday my mistress milked me and I enjoyed her penetration as being very emotionally. She lifted me into another world and I did not feel any orgasmic sensations. Only an urge of feel my mistress inside of me and felt empty (and used) when she finally pulled out. Its like my sexuality is moving to another level and I have a feeling that Im on my way to a rollercoaster ride outside of our accostumed realm.

We have been practicing BDSM ever since we met and that has been a natural part of our life ever since. We were curious and hungry and wanted to try it all. When we introduced chastity to our lifestyle, it seems like we are moving backwards. Meaning rediscovering what really matters instead of pursuing limits. Transgressions of boundaries can be very fruitfull but it is also an heavily polluted area. -At least that is what I see in Denmark. The bdsm-milieu here is full of "dommes" that have found an acceptable way to practice their hate towards men when what they need really is intensive therapy. Others are ugly old wives whom tries to appear sexual and appealing to the men whom seeks a domme. In a market where there are 90% male subs and 10% dommes their odds are good. There are only a few dommes whom are authentic and genuine and it makes me happy when I see the born dommes acting on genuine desires. Their love, couriosity and authenticity is the paradigm of being a living human being.

Well.. Thats the state of affairs where I come from. Ofcourse thats the main reason why I want to distance myself from that milieu but I have discovered many enriching experiences in private circles. So its not all that bad. I just get frustrated at times and very happy when I see something authentic.

 

Valsboy: That is so true and I believe that we need to contemplate on our own as well as others motives. In the world of dominance its easy to conceal unfortunate personal properties or bad motives because of the nature of this world.

We need to constantly reflect and never accept that "anything goes" but admit that there actually is a right and a wrong way to practice dominance. Besides, Im happy that you find my english to be sufficiently fluent to make sense.

My previous entry was (were?) written in a state of frustration or even bitterness. I have seen too many persons in this mileu whom appeared to need some kind of treatment/therapy. Others I simply felt bad for. The "anything goes" attitude can be very harmful and ruin lives.

When my mistress and I found each other, I had just gone through a major personal crisis. I lost my girlfriend, my job and had a thrombosis. And was hospitalized as an out-patient for a year. I wasn't at my best but had overcome the worst and felt the hunger to finally live life fully. I was new to this world and had finally accepted the cravings I had concerning dominance. At that time I did not know anything about the "rawness" of that miliu and neither did my mistress. We were unspoiled.

We found each other the first time I went to the SM Club and we had a long conversation. We found a private room and.. hugged.. That was all we did: We hugged and kissed and the following days were spent on the beach, in the forest, in a restaurent or in my small appartment. We came to know each other intimately and both felt the hunger for life. Everything had to be tried, tasted or felt and finally we moved together in a house.

In time the toughness of the mileu became apparent and we distanced ourselfes from all that. Now we only attend the occational caf meetings or the yearly, private domina gathering.

Today I feel priviliged that I found a mistress with a sound mind. She is genuine, true to herself and a very loving partner. I am lucky because we make each other the best we can be and that is unfortunately not the usual modus operandi in relationships. I only hope that I can convince other people that -even when practicing dominance- there are do's and dont's and that a Ds relationship should contain mutual love, respect and personal growth.

Well.. Again Im rambling.. Today have so far been a quiet day. Ive done some chores that really needed to be done and feel like my focus is slowly improving. The belt is still securely locked and tomorrow I have been belted for two weeks without any relief. Mistress is still so happy with my attitude so it wont be unlocked in the near future I think. Fortunately Im getting more and more used to it and the steel waistband does not feel as uncomfortable as it did even a few days ago. The tube is positioned almost perfect, but a bit too high. I will flatten the front shield even more when I get the chance and that will move the tube slightly downwards and solve the problem which is a minor issue. It feels like I already have broken into the belt and now I see a long, fullfilling and pleasurable life of chastity.

 

Valsboy: I do not think that there is anything hardcore about the belt per se. Chastity can be deemed hardcore but the means to that end are only devices and a comfortable belt is just a walk in the park. Controlled chastity is not.

I like your ability (and will) to contemplate about Ds and our motives to do what we do. Its easy to hide behind a role to maintain a status quo but it is difficult to admit the full potential of a Ds relationship. To actually give the chosen mistress the "keys" without any non-articulated way out or safe word is a challenge.

My journey so far has been short compared to what I have seen in this forum but the long term effects are starting to show. I been belted with no release for more than two weeks now. My longest period of wear before this period were one week and my mistress has not given me a release date yet. My concern is not my orgasm or what awaits me. Rather it is the fact that it feels like Im getting accustomed to being chastetized and dont have a wish for a release. My mind does not focus on what may come but on what is. Its like the mental state that Im in is one of contemplation. Its not that Im desexualized but more a matter of my sexuality being connected to the fact that Im in chastity. If she chose to remove the belt now, Id probably get an orgasm but what fills me now would then be gone. And I dont want that to happen.

And that is my question to my fellow wearers: Do you ever approach a mental state where wearing the belt actually undermines the reasons why you wore it in the first place? Is there a limit and what are the consequenses of crossing it?

 

xcitex2: Thanks for the kind words. I see that we are on the same pace and its good to discover people who have a fruitful and healthy approach to dominance. A lot of contemplation is needed and it is a difficult lifestyle but still worth the effort.

Due to work and exams I have not had the chance to make any decent entries in this journal. I still can not make a decent entry but I am writing just to make the present state of affairs know to you.

Mistress unbelted me this tuesday after three whole weeks without any release. Not even for cleaning. Things looked pretty good but thats probably due to my method of cleaning. I was very sensitive though and felt like I was 15 again. It appears to work as I anticipated and what happened after my shower is not to be spoken of. Let me just say that mistress took my breath away. Several times.

We have been busy as previously mentioned and we are at one of the shops, even at this moment with our dogs. Thats a good way to celebrate my birthday: Two dogs, mistress and a glass of wine. It doesn't get any better

As for chastity, my mindset changed the minute mistress granted me the first orgasm. Not that I went back to my usual mindset.. Its more like a feeling of exhaustion solemly due to the treats given by my mistress. It all belonged to her in a strange manner and was a product of our satisfaction. Not mine alone and orgasms tends to be a quite self centered experience. To me, that is. It was a matter of of genuine interaction.

Im tired and need to attend to mistress so I will end this short post by saying that everything is good here and that I really enjoy this moment of "freedom" (whatever that is) and look even more forward to be locked up again.

That is the paradox of our lives..