Infuence of family/genetics/social enviroment

I think what you are saying goes hand in hand with the nature versus nurture argument i.e. Are we predisposed to this kind of behavior or did we condition ourselves to want it? I certainly think there is a degree of both that plays a role in our kinks.

My dad is a very domineering man and a leader, my mother is fairly submissive but I know she can sway my father if she wants. I also grew up with 2 older sisters who beat up on me lol. Ever since I can remember I've always been attracted to strong dominant women and perhaps growing up in a household where I was outnumbered by females could have had an influence on me and my view of an ideal relationship.

 

I was brought up in another country as my father worked overseas and we returned to the Uk when I was 12 and they were divorced by the time I was 14, not surprising as I guess most couples would struggle to continue under these circumstances. He did fly in every 2 weeks but was destined for failure. I was the oldest of 4 so consequently took all the flak as i progressed towards adult hood and left home @ 18 years old. Both parents are/were control freaks but we wanted for nothing, my Father had very good well paid job. I have not spoken to my mother for 20 years, I was used as a pawn in a dirty divorce and I believe she resented the relationship I still have with my Father, although still overseas we meet up several times each year.

Hand on heart I still dont understand how or where the desire to live in such a life style developed from, but having been married for almost 27 years now, its clearly something that work for us and improves as time goes by.

Not sure Ive really added anything to the thread or addressed the question you asked lol

 

I grew up in what would be considered a very "normal" family. I discovered bdsm around 1981 and have been involved with it ever since. I don't think my upbringing had anything to do with it, I'm just a kinky guy!

 

I had a very strong and loving mother and a father who was, well let's just say not very good with children to be kind. He wasn't exactly a weak man, but not exactly strong either.

Anyway, the woman who became my Wife was always the more mature and focused of us and our FLR just sort of developed as she was the one who made all the big decisions and had the career. I have supported her for over 25 years and have been happy to do so, honored actually.

So now, in the past year we started this chastity thing and, despite the initial bumpy ride and a few issues along the way, we have both taken to it rather easily. It hasn't been plain sailing, but looking back I can see any worries might have seemed huge at the time but they definitely turned out to be storms in a teacup.

Did my parents influence me? I'm not sure. I think my nature is natural, not forced. I think a lot of this is down to how lucky I was with choosing Elle as the person I wanted to marry.

 

Great thread topic!

This is something I've thought about at length. For me personally, and perhaps this holds more generally, I think it's mostly genetic. [Although should note that the proportional influence of "nature" vs. "nurture" probably varies on a case-by-case basis. Genetics aren't destiny.]

Both my dad and his dad (my paternal grandfather) married strong-willed, in-control women. In my grandfather's case he actually did this twice (my grandfather re-married before I was born, after my biological grandmother died from illness). There's another factor that makes me lean towards 'genetic', as unbelievable as it might sound: I distinctly remember fantasising about being dominated by girls my age as far back as age 5. My family was (and still is) completely normal; two parents and two siblings (I have an older sister). I had a very normal childhood, so the only explanation I can come up with that explains this is genetics (I swear there was no other reason why I was a pervert at 5 years old... It's the gene's I tell you...)

My guess is that, for the more 'mild-mannered' cave-man, pairing up with the domineering cave-women must have been the most adaptive evolutionary mating strategy (i.e. resulted in the most survivable offspring). So the genes that caused our hypothetical cave-man to be attracted to domineering cave-women were naturally selected and passed on; the 'mild-mannered' cave-men with the 'dominance attraction' genes out-bred the 'mild-mannered' cave men without that particular genetic mutation (and perhaps the same goes for the more dominant cave-men and submissive cave-women parings).

It seems logical: systems (like families, for instance) generally are more efficient when they contain an undisputed coordinating/directing component (in this case, the dominant partner). Without one, resources and effort aren't gathered and allocated efficiently. With more than one, the system is prone to 'decision deadlock' (either that, or one cave-partner eventually gets fed up and clubs the other cave-partner to death...). Is it an adaptive mating strategy in our current environment? I guess we'll have the answer in a few thousand years. This last question keeps me up at night a little; I suspect the answer is "it's not".

If the above is true, it raises some interesting questions about the cuckolding fetish some submissive men have.

 

I know exactly the reason for my chastity with BDSM happened. When I was 13 I was slapped for grabbing my friend's sister's boobs. It was the first boobs I ever touched so I associated pain and being slapped with sexual arousal. Every time I masturbated it was to that girl doing more and more things to me. To this day at age 65, she is still the only face I see in my dreams and fantasies. She is who I think of if I have problems getting erect or reaching an orgasm. I never see my wife's face because she does not like to hurt me and my fantasies are mostly about S&M. Funny thing is that my wife also thinks of the same girl during her orgasm when her eyes are closed.

Fate had me marry that girl's best friend but I did not know they were best friends when we met. They were like sisters and my wife's friend often stayed with us before she got married and then after her divorce. Long story short but our non traditional sex life ended up with my wife's girlfriend living with us and dominating me sexually for the next 30+ years.

I find it interesting that the girl who unknowingly started me on the path of BDSM ended up joining us in our poly triad for much of our marriage. I have a charmed life. I had my sexually submissive wife and dominant girlfriend living with me. I even got my wife into bisexuality to the point that she rather have a girl than a guy. That makes chastity easy for us since she does not need my penis at all so any orgasms I get are pity ones given out of love.

 

I'm no shrink but it didn't take a lot of inward looking to find my triggers. Was a combination of several environmental as well as maybe a biological reason.

Not to get too into it but I had a terrible mother. Not a terrible person but not good at being a mom. I was also abused by one of her "friends" at a very young age. That being said it probably is safe to say I have always gravitated towards a motherly figure, protective, strong, and strict in a way my mother wasn't.

Biologically I was born a little different, i was born with partial androgen insensitivity. Most was "fixed" as a baby and later as a toddler, but have always felt somewhat androgynous. Not sure if that has anything to do with how I think, if chemically I am predispositioned to want to please.

I think for me it was mostly childhood experiences.

 

I wish you luck trying to find any common thread in this.

I think one aspect that may be important is the character of ones early sexual partner(s). I think most men start out pursuing sex for their own physical gratification. However, I think many (like myself) find the profound reaction of their first partner far beyond what they had been expecting (though I will admit modern easy access to porn possibly changes this). In my case I suddenly realised that real sexual gratification was more bound up with my partner's orgasm than my own and that my orgasm was actually a bit of a nuisance as it tended to bring things to at least a temporary halt. Luckily I quickly became able to control myself well enough to make sure orgasms were almost always lady-first.

I guess I'm a dinosaur but, over 40 years on, I'm still married to the girl I first made love to. She was, and is, a very confident woman and, being a medical student at the time we met, she lacked little inhibition about the human body and was not inhibited in showing her joy in sex. I'm sure if my first partner had been a shy 'lie back and think of England' type my attitude to sex might have remained focussed on my physical gratification as the mental gratification from bringing my partner to orgasm would have been much less.

 

Interesting topic. I grew up in a single parent family, and was cared for and educated by my mum, older sister, aunts, grandmas and grandgrandma and even my dad's second wife when I was staying with them. So having women in charge was kind of a natural thing.

That carried on later and all my relationships that lasted were with girls with more dominant character. And I don't even mean any sexual play here but outside the bedroom. But that was not about power trips either : they were not trying to micromanage everything or trying to prove every other day who is the boss. I'd just know that if I behave like an idiot there will be rough times for me and earned. And that tended to happen if I was left unchecked, maybe the fact of growing up surrounded by all these women caring for me spoiled me a bit. Although as I grew older that generally happened less and by my current 32 I learned to control my tantrums myself.

Bringing that dynamics to the bedroom doesn't seem an unnatural development of that tendency. Although I don't always need to be dominated in sex, I don't mind giving a rough spanking to my lady if she suggests she likes it (and that happened too). But in general I'm always more excited when I know my partner enjoys, be it vanilla or kink

As for chastity as such I first thought of it as a means of controlling my masturbation habits (I had a streak of porn addiction) and it already works wonders as I am self locking: somehow it requires less willpower to not unlock myself than to simply not masturbate.

After comes for me the kink related to this activity, and now i am seriously considering giving the key to the (strong lady) I resumed relationship with. I think it can at the same time symbollicaly link her power I accept outside the bedroom to what happens to the bedroom, spice up our sex life and help me control my own urges. In sum, we both could benefit from it.

So yes, I think family is an important factor but so are experiences and many others beyond that and i doubt its possible to identify them all and come up with some kind of theory.

It is always interesting to have a glance at other's experiences though

 

This seems a rather deep question or thread I hope there are no psychiatrist's reading this, where I was concerned my mother was strong willed or determined and a strict disciplinarian. Whilst she was certainly responsible for me being extremely self conscious about my physique always referring to me as "being too skinny" and later whilst going through puberty stating at every opportunity "that an important part of my anatomy was not developing or growing as normal boy's should at my age." I'm not sure how that experience or influence subsequently resulted in me becoming naturally submissive in my sexual relationship with my wife. When deciding to get married I certainly wasn't looking for a mother figure [god forbid] if I'm honest I wasn't even looking for an FLR relationship that is something that has developed over time. As I said at the start this seemed to be somewhat of a deep question or thread I hope my ramblings do not confuse the issue.

 

Hello All.

I dont think my parents influenced me so much as my family life in general did. I too was the youngest (by 5 years to my next older sister) of 3 (the only boy). My Dad was liberated and made sure my sisters were every much able to stand on their own 2 feet and could do everything a boy or man could do as much as Mom made sure they knew how to be girly-girls
too. So I was in the minority much of the time while Dad worked hard for all of us. I think this not only cultivated my softer more feminine demeanor but it also in my opinion made me prone to be drawn to more aggressive, dominant and self-dependent females as I came of age. (I also believe it planted the seeds for my love of crossdressing after being exposed to all of the clothing especially after all the tag alongs to the shopping mall (so I could go to an arcade) with my sisters as they shopped for clothing and shoes.

Anyway, yes, I think it is nurture not nature.


allaboutHer

 

Hi Everyone,

I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about this as well. The only conclusion I can really come to is that there must be innumerable variables involved, all of which lead us to what we find attractive sexually. Nature, nurture, the weather, the way that pretty girl looked at you on the sidewalk 10 years ago. It's impossible to predict.