Caged Wolf? How an Alpha became the Omega...

i thought today was the end of my punishment, i was wrong... Mistress Wolf has been very clear that it will not be today, even as She stops behind me and allows me to lean my head on Her midriff, turning to look up at Her with hope, my head rubs gently on Her breast, and She says "Not going to happen..., the week i snot over yet."

Spent part of the day with Mistress wolf's Favorite Auntie, our pack Patriarch. After the FB chat's this weekend, it was decided we should get together and talk in person so She could get a clear picture of what is going on. It was a good visit, light hearted and open. i was allowed to talk freely, but was still very aware of my place and ensured i allowed Mistress Wolf priority and checked with Her to verify my comments. When we arrived and were invited in Auntie showed us to the living room and asked us to sit. Mistress took a seat on the couch, i respectfully sat at her feet on the floor. Auntie said "You can sit on the furniture...". i replied "thank you, but i am comfortable, i don't sit on the furniture much anymore."

Auntie asked a lot of questions, listened to the answers, and threw some curves, but She did again give Her blessing and said She thinks Mistress Wolf taking a 3rd is a good thing, but stressed again She will not allow it to damage or destroy our marriage and relationship.

 

Yesterday was a little difficult for Mistress Wolf and i. After i left for work She called Him to make sure He is okay (haven't heard from him in 9 days) and His phone is either off or dead, went straight to message... Mistress Wolf was really hoping to talk with Him, as we are both worried about Him. He is military and is probably out in the field, but we don't know for sure, and won't until we finally hear back from Him. Mistress told me She wasn't sure She could stay positive any longer, so I told Her "I understand, I will be positive for both of us until you can again."

Mistress is also taking a math class that is really challenging Her right now, and had a status test yesterday. With all the distractions, etc, She did not get enough study time over the weekend and Her score dropped, so She was very disappointed with that, as well.

As i was online last night after Little One went to bed checking FB and e-mails, Mistress Wolf walked over, stood by me, and as i turned to say "yes Mistress?" She told me "I'm 60/40 about playing tonight... 60% yes down here, but 40% no up here (hand near heart and head)". i simply told Her "I understand Mistress...".

Was i disappointed, yes, and i tried not to let it show, but it did. As i sat next to Her (Her in Her chair, i on the floor by it) She asked "what's wrong, you look depressed." i told Her i was disappointed, but would deal with it, and that i'd had a feeling when She texted me after trying to call Him that nothing was going to happen today, so it wasn't a surprise. AS we went to bed She asked again, and i explained that it is very difficult right now, but that i was not going to do anything until SHE was ready.

This has been a difficult year, and while it is getting better it is still not good. It has been 23 days since i was last allowed to pleasure Her, and looks like it will probably be a few more, even though Mistress Wolf did confirm last night that my punishment was over, i have served the sentence for my failure, We are good again.

Tonight is Mistress's Dance class, and nothing ever happens after class as She is understandably tired from the workout, so maybe Wednesday....

 

Read something on FB this morning after i posted here that i am going to try very hard to do.... Go 24 hours without complaining about ANYTHING... wish me luck!

 

And... had to reset the clock on this one already. Hard not to complain at work... and that in itself is a complaint....

Planning to keep working at this until it is my nature state, along with a positive attitude change by stating 3 things that i am thankful for every day... i am trying to reprogram my brain and habits to make me a better submissive for Mistress Wolf.

 

Thank you Mistress Phedre,
Mistress Wolf is also trying the 3 positive things each day.

my 3 for today
1. So thankful that Mistress Wolf is in my life, and i in Hers.
2. Thankful that we have the home we do and that it is again filled with love.
3. Thankful that, other than normal minor stuff, we are strong and healthy

 

Mistress Wolf and i had another long and painful conversation about our relationship last night. It pains me to hear the anger, worry, and love all rolled together as She tells me She is not happy with what i have become. Rather than a partner who strengthens and supports Her i have become a whiny brooding mess, and even the Pack Patriarch is concerned i have gone too far for my own well being.

When i asked Mistress Wolf What She wanted of me, if She wanted a sub, the old me back, or somewhere in between She replied (at this point i am paraphrasing what i remember..) "I don't want the old Alpha back, FLR is closer..." .. So, now i face the task of ascending back toward the surface, working with Mistress to reset myself, to hear Her and understand what She wants of my instead of doing what i thought She would want.

The hardest and difficult thing is going to be earning back Her trust after my failure in August (going to a fetish site to look and not telling Her what i had done, instead having Her find proof of it Herself.). She has forgiven me for the original transgression of looking, but is currently unable to forgive the lie of omission, of not coming forward and telling Her what i had done when i did it. i have broken Her Trust, and broken our relationship to a core level.

The past couple of weeks, after She found what i had done, i have been trying too hard to be submissive, to try to show Her i understood what i had done and how much i regretted it, instead i went off the track and down a rabbit hole....

I will try to continue posting here as i can...

Mistress Wolf, you are my love and my life, i would turn back time if i could, but now only ask you not to totally give up on me as i stuggle back.

 

Remembered the other comment that really told me where we were, Mistress told me "Auntie asked me if I still loved you, I told her yes. I also realized I love you, but right now I don't respect you..."

 

Quick update: Have had several very positive and productive talks with Mistress Wolf on fixing our relationship, about Her Man-friend and how to proceed there, and many other things. We are doing better and things WILL work themselves out as long as we keep talking, sharing, and re-connecting. Mistress and i are both happier already, and Mistress Wolf commented last night that She felt some of our connection strengthening again yesterday.....

As for the dynamic, i will still be submissive to Mistress Wolf (as i should be), but not as deep down the rabbit hole as i was getting. She does NOT want a total submissive, but does still want and need to be in charge. i am back to listening to what SHE wants, and how She wants me... too far too fast on several levels was my undoing. i am feeling much better, didn't realize how dark of a place i had crawled off into...

Will be heading out of town by myself for the weekend, heading down to help Dad with some things at the homestead. Mistress Wolf and Little One have school work that they need internet access for and Dad does not have internet there anymore.

Time to go wake Mistress Wolf and get ready for work.

 

Surprisingly good day. I think the positive thought exercises and the "No-complaining" is helping... Things are going well rebuilding with Mistress Wolf, we are talking about all kinds of things, and more importantly I am listening to what She wants and working to make it so.

While home for lunch today we talked about Him, plans for the next few months, and long term plans. After we both finished eating, Mistress told me She was thinking about "taking me down the hall". After 27 days of denial and waiting due to my failure, today She chose to allow me the honor of pleasuring Her again.

I know things are not "fixed" that easily and quickly, but we are on the right path. It will take a long time to rebuild the trust i broke, to learn the correct way to Serve Mistress Wolf, as SHE chooses to be served.

 

Totally understand this finally... Things can only get better.

 

Spent the weekend at Dad's place taking care of some needed work, and spending time just sitting and talking with him. Throughout the weekend Mistress Wolf and i texted and talked on the phone, discussed many things, but the underlying topic was Us. We talked about what is going on in the relationship, progress in the past week, how we can keep improving things, etc., very positive weekend. Also over the weekend i was able to awaken my inner Wolf again! He has been subdued and sleeping since March/April when things started falling. So glad He is back .

When i got home Sunday night i was hopeful that it would be a good and productive evening, but Mistress was feeling down about Her Man-friend and it quickly turned my happiness into disappointment, and the grey blah's set in. When Mistress Wolf asked what was wrong i felt compelled to tell Her the full truth and explained why i was depressed. It did open conversation about how our mood affects the other, and that had She mentioned Her mood in our texts while i was on the way home i would have been better prepared for it and could have given Her more support instead of falling prey to it myself (i am one of those people who absorb the predominant mood and it becomes mine also).

This morning my attitude turned from disappointed to frustrated to mad while getting my morning chores done. By the time i woke Mistress Wolf i was in a full on tantrum, simply woke Her and kept going with things i needed to do. About 15 minutes after waking Her i went to Her and confessed my attitude problem. As soon as i laid my head on Her leg i went from mad to almost in tears at the thought that i was risking all the progress we had made. i realized my whole issue was simply that She was worried about Him, and i felt left out again. After talking with Mistress for a bit i was feeling better, and as the day went on i began to understand some of the problem was the Wolf.

Passion, jealousy, the frustration of awakening and finding how much had changed, the anger was not at Mistress but at me for not stepping up and being who She wanted me to be. At lunchtime i explained this all as best i could, Mistress asked if the Wolf awakening was a good thing or not, and i believe it is. my Wolf has guided me, taught me about myself and how to open myself to other, about integrity, strength, etc. When things started going wrong back in March when Mistress C turned against us and convinced me i was too dominant. That was the start of the spiral that saw me going down i flames two weeks ago. i put Wolf to sleep in order to cope with everything. As Mistress Wolf told me last week, i had become a whiny idiot and was ashamed of myself and what i was trying to be.

Today i notice i felt taller, my stride stronger, i felt like me again, and feel confident in myself and my identity, in my place as Mistress Wolf's mate and sub, and even at work. THIS is what was missing, the part of me that is me, that enables me to be an Alpha in the world, but an Omega for my Mistress. It also enabled me to be more assertive with Mistress at lunch and ask if She would join me for some mutual stress relief, then, as She has told me, took the lead in a loving and respectful way and truly made love to Her, bringing Her to the release She (as well as i) have needed.

 

Still doing good today, minor back issue with a visit to the chiropractor, and now home for an hour or so to do the ice/heat cycles and lunch before going back to work.

My Wolf is calming down now that HE understands what is going on. Having Wolf back makes me feel more stable , stronger, and better able to understand and adapt to how everything is changing. By me being able to steady my mood swings i will be able to give Mistress Wolf my full support as this next step in our relationship unfolds, and as She and Her Man-friend move through the start of this new chapter, from friends to lovers and hopefully to committed life partners.

i am smiling as i type this, thinking about the potential happiness, excitement, and shared pleasure for all 3 of us as it unfolds and each person takes their rightful place within the relationship, mutually supportive and sharing the experience together.

I may be Caged Wolf, but a Wolf, even caged, is still a Wolf. i am who and what i am, and that is what Mistress Wolf wants!

 

Mistress Wolf and i continue to talk and refine the relationship into what SHE wants, and things are getting better all the time.

Before i came home from the Chiropractors yesterday i stopped at one of the local florists and bought Mistress Wolf a bouquet. It's funny because i had a certain bouquet in mind and when I walked in there it was in the chiller, and Autumn themed one in yellows and oranges, but with a single Red Rose in the center and a couple of mini rose buds mixed in, exactly the one in my head! Wrote a brief note on the card to thank Her for not giving up, to apologize again for my stupidity, and to tell Her i love Her. It now sits prominently displayed on the coffee table

Last night after Little One went to bed Mistress wandered back to the bedroom, i followed a moment later to ask a question, but as i got to where She was She said "It's my turn to ask if you'd like to join me for a little nakee stress relief?" Well, duh... "Yes, please, Mistress!" I could tell She was thinking about Him at times, and i'm actually better than okay with that! We talked, shared, and enjoyed each other, and when She hit Her big Orgasm it pushed me over the edge also, but i did have the presence of mind to make sure i had permission to release first!

At one point (before things got too heavy) Mistress Wolf told me She had been thinking about how things were going and feels we are 80-90% back to where we should be, so there is still work to do, but we are much better off now than just a week ago. Mistress Also sent messages to a couple of friends who are Poly, and asked some questions about starting out, hoping to open communications with them to make this easier for us both.

my wolf is calming, accepting this new state of the relationship, and that is helping me more than i thought it would. i am calmer, more in tune, and ready for things to progress again.

Yes, Things are good, and only getting better....

 

Quick update:

We have not heard from HIM in 3 weeks now, last text to Mistress Wolf was "Will text you throughout the day". His career is one were He may have been sent for training or a trip and not allowed to take His phone, but things were going so well we cannot believe He just quit on us without saying anything. We are currently not looking for anyone else, but Mistress Wolf has set 1 Nov as the date to start seeking someone else....

This has been hard on us both, especially Mistress, but has also given us time to straighten things out between the two of us. It is also one of the things that is keeping me a little on edge, as Mistress's mood is up and down worrying about Him and waiting for Him to get back in touch. The waiting is truly the hardest part.

i am honestly ready for whatever shape the relationship takes, at this time it is looking more Polyamorous than Mistress/Bull/cuckold, but may end up a mix of both. I only want Mistress Wolf to be happy, and while She is for the most part, there are still some things i just can't fill for Her. i say more Poly as we are looking for someone who is a good fit for a true long term relationship, eventually committing to Her, and maybe even moving in with us. Obviously a lot will depend on His views and kinks in how things play out, but i am hopeful we can all sort out our roles together.

All i keep thinking is "Come on Xxxxx, get back in touch with us. Mistress and i are worried miss you."

 

Should be an interesting day today... i am taking today off work to take care of a few things, and Mistress Wolf is going with me as we need to renew Her ID. Will be together all day AND we are going to the Social Club Halloween party tonight. Yes, the party She was planning to consummate with Her Man-friend. He has still not reengaged with Her yet, but we both remain hopeful.

i'm just curious how Mistress's mood will be tonight, will She be able to enjoy the evening, or will she be depressed since the plans to meet and "get to know each other" fell through, wondering all evening if He will walk through the door and be there for Her.

 

Last night was interesting... Fun party with good friends, had an hour in the private room with Mistress Wolf, started of naked and just talking, and as we talked my mind and heart calmed, everything fell into place for me. One thing we discussed is the comment Mistress made about being 80-90% back to normal, but kind of stuck there. She then told me we may never get past that point and this may become our new normal, especially with the addition of Her Man-friend into the relationship. This hit me kind of hard, but i was able to mull it over and finally accept it as due effect from the events of the last year.

i didn't realize the full effect of this until later in the night, but i am finally at peace with everything that has been going on. After talking for a while Mistress permitted me to pleasure her, initially telling me no oral on her, but after several minutes of arousing Her She changed Her mind and told me She wanted me there. Things went very well, one very satisfied Mistress, one very happy wolf.

After cleaning up and rejoining the party Mistress was sitting on the couch talking with a friend, our pack Patriarch, i sat to Mistress's left on the floor and rested my head on Her leg. I had my my Wolf costume on, hood, paws, and tail. i was sitting with my tail wrapped into my lap, and just curled up. I was totally content, just calm and quiet. Our Patriarch actually commented "He's just so quiet and content... He needed that.". I sat there for probably 30 minutes, eyes closed but listening. After our Patriarch left someone else came over and sat down, and then reached over and touched my head. I looked up, saw who He was and laid my head back down. A few moments later Mistress tensed up, so i reached over with one paw and rested it on Her ankle. I felt Her tense a couple more times, then She shifted and sat up. After He got up and walked away She told be He had reached over and touched Her on the leg repeatedly without asking, and his personality just freaked Her out.

Here's where it gets a little more interesting. He was a guest at our submission ceremony, and knows the dynamic. At the ceremony he gave me a red and white cord to tie my robe with. His demeanor and aura have changed, and since the ceremony i found out he is into black art, pain, etc. He and the former Mistress C dated off and on, and Mistress C had given Mistress Wolf a gift package that contained BDSM and restraint stuff, including a piece of red and white cord for binding that matched the cord i was given for my robe.... As Mistress Wolf and i pieced everything together we realize there was a combined plan to apparently split us up... Needless to say this Freaked Mistress out a bit.

On the way home we sorted things out even more, planned our actions, etc. to get there combined influence out of our lives. In this discussion it suddenly hit me why i was so content and relaxed sitting with Mistress. During our talk in the private room i had finally accepted the fact Mistress had taken full control when She found what i had done back in August, and even though She wants just a FLR relationship She has took the Dominant position and enforced my submission, and has been noticeably more dominant every since. Even when things were the worst She took the strong position in words and actions. In that process i went off the deep end because i felt that is what i owed Her, but have since been able to come back to a more respectful, natural state.

i am still content today as i type this, even with the required things to remove every piece and item given to us by either of them. i am comfortable with things progressing with Mistress Wolf's man-friend as soon as He gets back in contact, and have accepted that there is a very real chance He may become a very important and permanent part of the relationship, and my position will be further adjusted to fit the new dynamic. My Wolf is no longer caged, and is content with everything, even with the anger of having to deal with the black backstabbing from people we thought were our friends. i was able to release that anger by sitting with my head on Mistress's lap for a few minutes and just breathing in Her essence.

i hope this all makes sense, and i know that my spiritual view may not fit with everyone's, but it is our belief, and that is what we work with. To those who understand, thank you.

 

In talking with Mistress Wolf today She told me we are back up to 90-95% and improving! Happy Wolf dancing ensued!!!

So glad things are getting better, and looking forward to seeing where things go from here.... Be careful what you wish for indeed, i have gotten exactly what i wished for, and so much more!

 

While talking with Mistress Wolf last night as we went to bed about how content i was Friday night at the party, i was trying to explain the feeling and realized i may have entered sub-space!

I could hear everything but it was almost like I was someplace else. If i opened my eyes everything was too busy, too bright, and too loud, but with my eyes closed the background conversations, while still there, drifted into the background and all i really heard was Mistress and our Patriarch. The feeling of being completely at peace, no worries, not even any real thoughts (until he touched my head and partially broke the moment) was SO needed.

What is still kind of weird is that my thoughts are not jumbled like they were. My mind was going 100 miles and hour (that's around 150 kph across the pond, lol), thoughts bouncing, etc., but now i am thinking SO clearly, Yes, there are still multiple thought trains, but they are more coordinated, i'm not jumping on one thought and riding it until it crashes or skipping back and forth randomly. At times, if i start overthinking something it's almost like i run into empty thought space, kind of a grey zone, and am able to visualize it, like the end of the road, not my concern... i am not worried about anything, that is not my place.

i think it's a combination of things that has allowed me to reach this place, this point in the relationship. All of the things that happened this year broke down my barriers, the wake-up call of getting in trouble and the spiral down the rabbit hole, pushing myself so way too far, then being reigned in at last by Mistress Wolf, and that Mistress Wolf has truly taken control, taken Her place of power. Finally, the acceptance that our relationship was and is changing to fit the new dimension, that it would never be what it was before but had turned into something new, and that i no longer had any control over the shape or direction it was taking. i believe i have truly submitted to Mistress Wolf, and that is why it feels so right.

I need to hear from others please, have i really crossed the threshold that i was trying to find? Has anyone else had that defining moment when it literally "clicked" into place, when it just became right?

 

It's beginning to look like Mistress Wolf's man-friend my have bailed n us. No contact since the start of October, has not replied to text or phone, nothing. Mistress is disappointed, but both of us still hope to hear from him. With everything else going on it has been hard enough this year, not sure how much more disappointment She or i can take...

 

Been a good week, some ups and downs, but overall much better than the last few months.

 

Well, that was disappointing.... hopefully Mistress Wolf will elaborate when She is ready, not my place to say anything other than we are starting over...

Mistress told me Sunday evening that we are back to 98% between us, which is VERY good and better than i had hoped. With all the issues and change i was not sure we would get over 90% again. Since my wolf woke up i am feeling like myself again, focused, clear headed, and ready for whatever life and the future of our relationship brings. Look forward to our journey together, and, just being what Mistress Wolf wants me to be.

With Mistress Wolf's permission i will be making some adjustments and being locked up in the Jailbird again, shooting for a week, but locked time will end immediately and the jailbird will go up for sale if i start having any problems in that time. My longest so far was 11 days...

Life is good...

 

Funny, i've been sick this week, and Mistress had this crud for the last 2 weeks (She is finally getting over it now), and even with not feeling good i've been in such a better frame of mind. Obviously no "Nakee fun time" when Mistress Wolf isn't feeling good, so it's been 13 days, and will be pushing 18 days by the time things come back around, but knowing i'm not in trouble and that things are good between us again makes it okay. i just do what i can, and am allowed to do and am there for Her, really think i am over the biggest hump and settling into a truly solid place to proceed from.

Due to Mistress C's negative influence, and notes/highlights she left, we tossed our copy of the Mistress Manual, so, last night with Mistress Wolf's approval, i ordered a new copy, along with Mistress Manual II, How to setup an FLR, The Hesitant Mistress, and The Keyholder's Handbook.
Mistress Wolf has also been revising Her criteria for seeking a 3rd, along with updating the Relationship Rules for the new Man-friend, since we are about to start the search over again... We have been talking a lot about Him and how our feelings and relationship played as we close this chapter. Things are going very well, and we are both looking forward to eventually adding a real, honest, and worthy 3rd into the mix...

Time to wake Little One and start getting the day going... hope everyone has a great day and remember:

Be careful what you wish for, it may just come true, just not quite the way you wished! For us it is so much better than i ever fantasized!

Holy crap what a ride!

 

Things continue to go well, with the exception that we are all sick with the crud right now..

Mistress Wolf is feeling better, and is adjusting to having to start the search for Her Bull/playmate/man-friend over again.

I am just past the worst of the crud, worn down from work, and a couple of things that had to be done even though I was sick. Will be back in the shop today fixing my truck even though I should be home resting...

We are still talking more than we have in a long time, discussing our direction, fantasies/futures, etc. Mistress Wolf is back to looking at retirement houses (with room for what we hope will be a permanent 3 or 4-some situation).

With being sick there has been no playtime, and looks like at least another week, will be close to 20 days again, if not a little more, BUT the intimacy is still there in our conversations and how things are going. It's amazing how comforting it is to be sitting nest to Mistress's with my head resting on the arm of Her chair, and having Her gently pat my head. In those moments everything IS right.