Advice to my younger self about sex and kinks in relationships

I'm in my early thirties. I just wanted to share a short list of what I'd tell my younger self (say my 20 year old self) in regards to BDSM, Chastity, FLR, Crossdressing, etc. I'm hoping maybe some of the lurkers here , perhaps someone that's in a crisis of identity like I was for years might find it useful.

I'm really grateful for the relationship I have now... this is a summary of what I've learned (or I think I've learned anyway) from my various girlfriends over the years. I've written it addressed to myself, but I do honestly hope it helps someone else who might be going through a rough time because of crossdressing or loneliness, because I know I sure did

So I hope this helps someone! I almost didn't post this but I've decided at the last minute to go ahead and share it.

Dear Fluffles,

The following is a list of advice from your time travelling future self about how to navigate BDSM, crossdressing, relationships, and sex. Hopefully this saves you a substantial amount of heartache and/or hair loss.

- Attend events in face-to-face BDSM community sooner and regularly. You can meet some great friends there, and it's not as scary as you think it is.

- Be open about your kinks with potential partners. Don't spill everything on the first date, but you absolutely must start telling them about your interest in BDSM and cross-dressing, after a few dates, certainly after a couple of months tops.

- You can waste years of your life with the wrong person. Don't do it.

- As a rule of thumb , start opening about about your kinks with potential partners long before anyone says I love you, but after til after you sleep together for the first time

- Make sure you broach the subject that you are a crossdresser before the two month mark in a new relationship. Approach the subject in a way where you don't take yourself too seriously (it shouldn't sound like you are telling her some horrible secret, because it's really not, and can actually be really fun), but also your partner should get a sense that crossdressing is alot more than just a fetish -- that it's part of your identity as a person

- If your partner reacts poorly after disclosing these things early in a relationship, give it a little time, say a month. If she's still not interested or still reacts poorly, it's in your best interest to end the relationship. You are not doing her any favors, and you are not doing yourself any favors. Even if "everything else" is perfect. Not being true to yourself will slowly eat away at you and you won't even realize it.

- Don't give up a promising relationship just because you think the grass is greener, but if you really have doubts, it's best to move on. Life is too short to settle for someone who can't accept you for you.

- Shared political ideology or shared hobbies and the like does not matter so much -- mutual trust and understanding does. Good character is everything.

- Everything in a good relationship flows from honesty, intimacy, and vulnerability with one another. Your relationship with your partner should be the one place in this world where you feel safe and where you can share your innermost secrets and desires without being afraid.

- There are women out there who will love you for who you are, even for the things you can't control. Life is too short, don't spend it with someone who views yours flaws idiosyncrasies as a burden rather than a gift. Obviously the corollary is that you need to find someone that you can do the same for, ie. love them for who they are, even the things that you dislike or wish you could change about them.

- You should be looking for a woman with good character and a big heart, not a "dominant woman". If you do the former, you are sure to figure out a way to make each other happy and meet your desires for the latter.

- Don't expect everything at once in regards to kinks, fantasies, etc. Be patient. If she needs a little time to get her head around something, try not to take it personally. What if she told you she liked dressing up in a fur suit? You might indulge her if you love her, but you'd want some time to get your head around it.

- When in doubt, be explicit. If you are upset that she seems to resent your BDSM interests, say so! If you want to try male chastity, broach the subject in a casual way. Don't let things go unspoken. It's better to get it all out in the open in a big argument early on, than to never fight in an indifferent silence while you let one anothers' uncertainties corrode your relationship from the inside

- Don't expect to meet a life partner sitting at home obsessing over how to do things or how to find them. Make an effort to meet new women at a variety of places, and date the good ones. Learn how to tell some interesting stories about your life. Travel is a great way to get some good stories to share with women you meet.

-The good women are the ones that will try to understand you , even when you don't understand yourself. It's only fair to deliver the same in return.

- Share your fantasies with your partner, and ask about her fantasies. This might seem hard to do, and it's a bit awkward the first time, but once you do it a few times it's fun and easy. Start with the obvious stuff that's not too kinky. You can work up to sharing the really kinky stuff over time. Make sure the sharing is mutual. Don't be surprised if early on the stuff you share with one another is a bit tame -- you are still building trust. Give it time.

- The cross-dressing is not going away. It's part of your life for better or for worse. Just accept it for what it is, and resolve that you'll find someone who will explore it together with you. Don't settle for dressing up alone! That is no way to live -- find someone who will watch TV with you while are wearing a cute outfit and heels. It's possible, even if you can't see it.

- Definitely don't throw away your outfits or wardrobes! You will regret it ! If you're going to do that, at least donate them to charity!

- Make sure that you disclose to your partners that you prefer to be submissive, but to be pragmatic you are switch. You can lead women on if you give them some fun experiences while topping them , so help them understand you are good at topping because you fantasize about being the bottom.

- Do not ... I repeat do NOT look for a "dominant woman". This is a huge waste of time. Not to say they do not exist, but this should not at all be a priority. The secret is this: If you find a good partner, someone open minded who shares your values as a human being, they will eventually be happy to do things they'd never dream of when you fall in love. It's the "find a good girl and corrupt her" school of thought. You might be surprised that she's already pretty kinky! Focus on mutually falling in love with the right woman , not searching for a dominant woman.

- If your love is not reciprocated, move on ASAP. When you find a good partner, your excitement for the future will be obvious and reciprocal -- not something where you already wonder where you stand. If your gut tells you it's not *really* mutual, or there's an imbalance in how you feel about one another, move on immediately. Trust your gut.

- The right woman, after time passes and you build familiarity and trust in your relationship, she will more than likely be happy to dom you as best she can , because it makes YOU happy. This goes double if you figure out what her needs are and meet them (ie. if she is submissive, learn how to top her in the best scene of her life that's within your ability)... She'll be way more likely to indulge your kinks if you figure out what her sexual buttons are and how to push them.

- If you lose a hard on during sex, it's not the end of the world. The best thing to do is if you feel anxious during a sexual experience (for whatever reason, there could be many... ie. maybe you are worried about something at work, or some uncertainty about a kink, or maybe you have been arguing with your partner , whatever it is..).... Before things get really awkward and she thinks she's done something she's done to turn you off (or she worries that she's not attractive to you anymore) , just say "hey i feel a bit___anxious/preoccupied/etc___ because of ___reason you are not feeling it___. let's slow down a bit"... Then focus on just relaxing and taking it slow without any pressure. Focus on how things feel. Take a break for an hour and relax if you need to. It's not a race , it's one of life's pleasures. Savor it.

- Continuing from above: If you're anxious during sex, pre-emptively addressing and speaking aloud the possibility of losing your hard-on, and sharing how you feel internally will often resolve the problem entirely... The act of sharing your fears with your partner will make you 2x as horny as when you started, because you won't be as worried once it's spoken aloud. Try to keep a sense of humor. It happens to everyone on occasion. If losing your hard on happens a few times in a row, grab some Cialis so you don't give yourself an anxiety complex... ED drugs can be a blast whether you need them or not . But tell your partner if you take them! They will most likely want to take advantage of the.. .situation

- Learn how to talk dirty in a way your partner likes, even if it seems silly and doesn't turn you on. Women love this, though they all individually seem to have particular words or phrases that they like that you'll have to discover on your own.

- In general: Don't expect her to read your mind. This isn't fair to her. Just spit out whatever you are thinking, especially if it's something that's bothering you.

- Keep a sense of humor about sex. Make sure you talk and laugh. A great way to make this happen and to have communication is to read a sex column like Savage Love together. Try not to be too critical of other people's fetishes, even if they seem a bit silly. Try to treat other people's inner sexual landscape with understanding as best you can. You want to be treated with understanding right?

- Watch porn together occasionally if that's something she's game for. Don't watch the lame stuff, pick something kinky that you both can enjoy.

- Physical contact is absolutely critical to your emotional health and to a healthy relationship. Make at least 15-30 minutes with the TV off, every day to sit together, hold one another, to run your hands over each others skin , to give one another goosebumps, etc. Set an expectation that this time is not for sex, so it can be a time when you both just relax without any pressure

- Learn how to give good backrubs