He's not going to know what's hit him. Literally.

Dear Ms. Ellie40,
You must make a win / win if you want this arrangement to secede. You take control but your sub needs to have expectations of reward for good behavior and the knowledge that bad behavior will get him punished. Control his bits and you control him. Everyone has different needs; for me it would be forced to be a sissy gurl while serving my master, find out his needs and yours. Both of you need to enjoy this arrangement even though you will control his enjoyment.
I am no expert on life - this just my opinion.

 

For two people who are both dominant, setting just a few agreed rules can sometimes help. You could start in the bedroom with something like having one evening a week where one of you has total control of what happens, the other complies totally (hard limits respected).

The 'what happens' can be anything, your mutually favourite 'normal' activities, experimenting with something new, or just having a quiet evening without anything erotic.

Each having a defined 'period of control' prevents conflict while giving each the ability in turn to be in control, and also to experience what not being in control is like. It also lets you experience things you might not choose to, AND give you a better insight into what your partner really prefers.

Of course, this arrangement isn't necessarily intended to be permanent. Give it some time, a few months before you review, by playing with different ways of spending an evening you'll know when things work for both of you.

 

Of course, we don't know you but I see several things here.

First, you are a strong female with dominant desires. You're smart and you know what you want. You see the problem and you took the first step to raise the issues with him.

Second, he has submissive tendencies, although he hasn't admitted it yet. He wants to be tied up. He wants you to lead in bed (although he wants to tell you where to go, but that can be trained out of him). He does much of the housework. The age difference here is important too. He's getting older and he's getting nervous about his abilities. He wants you to spark them again, and he'll be willing to submit to you to keep his fires alive.

Third, his masturbation habit is a big problem, probably the biggest one at this point, because he's been able to use it to avoid addressing the sexual distance that has opened between you. He's telling himself he's still sexual, but he's living in his masturbatory fantasies and trying to maintain his male ego there. To me, this is the FIRST thing you need to stop. As long as he is masturbating you will not be able to lead your relationship, you will not be able to restore your sex life, and you will not be able to restore balance and intimacy.

You ask what to do for your "first session." I think you need to give him a taste of how much he can have. He wants to be tied up. Tie him up. Bind his mouth too -- tie a scarf around his open mouth. Then begin to talk to stroke him and talk to him. Tell him that you want to have a real sex life. Get him to confirm he wants that too. Talk to him as you stroke him, get him to admit (by nodding) that masturbating has allowed distance to develop in your relationship. Get him to agree that he will not masturbate for a period of time, 48-72 hours perhaps, to start. Edge him, get him to the edge, make him confirm how much he'd like you to make him cum, and then stop. Tell him you'll do that in 48-72 hours, but that he has to be faithful to you and behave. Get him to agree that you will lead you sex lives, tell him that you are horny for him, but that he has to behave.

Repeat for a few weeks while your chastity cage is in the mail. Then start using the cage to up your control and to up the level of your teasing. He wants to be sexual, but he has to agree it's on your terms. Men are easily seduced by sex -- you should not be afraid of using yours to re-corral him and re-ignite your marriage. Good luck.

 

You have been getting some very good, honest and wonderful advice above and @Rectrix has nicely summed it up pretty well, IMHO. Let me add a little from my experience, which is pretty similar to what you are describing.

Our situation goes back about 5 years when we first had "the Talk". At the time, I was a pretty typical Alpha Male & 12 years older than my wife of 30 years. Our sex life was non-existent and I was wanking daily, which made Her terribly mad. In discussion, we agreed that I would refrain from wanking for a week and we would then try to resume our sex life as through we were newlyweds. That worked so well that we then built upon that, a week at a time, until we agreed that my chastity on the honor system would be beneficial. That worked well for almost a year, when She learned that I had been "dishonorable"/ Then she introduced the cage, by mutual agreement.

Later, she caught me wearing panties and learned of my interest in my feminine side. We discussed this in depth and she agreed that I could wear my favorite lingerie privately and that, I would also be doing more household chores (many while wearing my desired feminine things).

Over the past 5 years, our relationship has evolved to now being a true FLR and both of us are very happy and satisfied. Sure, there have been bumps in the road along the way, but we now have such good communication that we can easily resolve any disagreements and misunderstandings (But She is definitely in Charge and we both love it!)

My advice to you is to take it really slow, don't surprise him with a cage until he realizes the benefits and agrees to wear it, make sure that he gets sexual rewards to satisfy his dreams and to encourage the behaviors that you want/need, and by all means, make sure that you get the communications really straight, open and good for both of you. Once you have that in place, you can work through the little things before they blow up to become larger problems.

Donnasue

 

An article I thought was insightful said, "ndeed, by focusing entirely on their partner's pleasure, a couple demonstrates greater affection for each other ."
I think if you focus on teasing and denying him he will focus on your pleasure. Take it from me if a man is teased to the brink and denied for several days he will be able to think of nothing else but you and how he can please you.

 

Our situation is a bit different , as I initiated the change in our bedroom dynamic. But I don't see why you couldn't be the driver for a change in your sex life.

A cage is a marvelous device for switching the power dynamic in your relationship. If he is intrigued by the kink of bondage, you should be able to trick him into putting on a cage. He will think it's a game. But it is a game where you get to set many of the rules!

If he is open to anal play, start pegging him (keep him caged) and keep going for a while after he has asked for you to stop. Maybe give him 10-12 more thrusts, and make the last thrust hard and deep. For most men, that will change the game. It's not about his prostate pleasure at that point, it's about you establishing ownership. Facesitting is similar. Stay on his face for a tad longer than he likes. Don't over do it though. You don't want him angry, you just want him to get his head right. Good luck!

 

Did you tell him that you would be 3 hours late because you were getting your nails done, or did you want it to be a surprise?

It sounds like you were really trying to make an effort to look nice for him to make this event special. But he was probably really excited after the talk in the morning and looking forward to seeing you. He then spent 3 hours waiting and wondering, probably feeling a bit humiliated and insecure after admitting those things to you in the morning.

Is that what caused the argument?

 

Great advice! He is a lucky man, or at least he is going to be

 

That is excellent advice.

More importantly, as you do so and become the owner of his sex and his orgasms--no mercy there, and make sure to secure him in as close to an escape-proof metal cage as you can get him into--, tease him relentlessly and show him that you care for and and love him, if you truly do.

 

Yes, the fact cannot be minimized that when getting used to the cage, even if he seems like he is at the end of his wits, that is just one part of his brain talking. He does not need an orgasm, he just wants one.

Eventually, he will become acclimated to wearing the cage, and will grow to prefer to wear it. His brain will adapt to the reality of the situation. This probably sounds incredible, but it happened to me. He will be trading the short term immediate payback of an orgasm to a constant state of stimulation according to your will. This does not mean that he cannot be involved in other activities and perform them well, but his base libido will change, and for the better. When you assert immediate control over him, he will react accordingly.

 

Have you considered tying him up and spank him tell him the rules spank him until he understands from now on you decide until he says I understand. Even if it's not a turn for him or you on take his underwear and give him panties make him show he is your bitch. Trust me he will not forget who is in control in the relationship. Read more at Elise Sutton website

 

If it's not completely consensual then it becomes coercion and bullying.
"Even if it's not a turn on" - that sends a warning bell for me.
While that might sound erotic to some, unless you really know the other person will accept physical violence or humiliation then doing it non-consensually is a good way to lose respect, start and argument, and/or even lose your relationship.
If someone knows their partner well enough to be able to surprise them with something like that without it being a big risk of it not working out the way they wanted it to, then they wouldn't be asking what they should do on an internet chat board.
Be very careful about doing anything non-consensual.

 

I find it funny that men are giving advice on how a woman can manipulate a man into doing something they want. Every woman I’ve ever met knows how to do that. We aren’t complicated. Food, sex, and attention (not necessarily in that order) has worked for like ever.

To get someone into doing something they aren’t comfortable with, there is a saying “you gotta make the juice worth the squeeze”. For some it takes just a little, for others much more. It isn’t rocket propulsion, it’s trading something he can’t say no to, for something he doesn’t like to give up but will. If the the “juice” is sweet enough, it won’t matter how much he has to squeeze to get it.

Good luck, but to be perfectly honest, you don’t need any.

 

Yes, and some women understand this, but many do not. And, this leads to all sorts of difficulties in the relationship.

 

LOL. How could a woman ever trick me into doing this thing that I've been begging my wife to do for a year now? Let me tell you what might work.....

 

I thought it was just me thinking here are all these guys queuing up to set this guy or any guy up for that matter! I wonder what thenladies on here think after reading this!

 

Dear Ellie40, I also congratulate you.

He should read some FLR books and websites/blogs.

You should buy FLR books (or download) and find websites/blogs for him.

And many many communication...

 

What woman hasn’t realized that they could use sex to manipulate a man? They understand that they can, many just don’t want to. Even when it comes to chastity, you are trading sexual control for sexual fore play. Some may find it’s not a good deal since they didn’t want the control in the first place, and wanted their fella to act accordingly without being sexually prodded. If it’s her idea for FLR and control, she probably won’t have to ponder too long about “ geez how in the world will I get something from him that he’s reluctant to do?”

 

Yeah I bet it would be great news for you, it sounds like the op’s fella is a bit reluctant to give up the reins full time.

 

I doubt it’s much of a surprise to them that they can manipulate their fella with alternative persuasion.

 

I agree! I didn’t think he will know what has hit him! And it sounds like he deserves it to! Please keep us update on your progress.

 

It is not simple manipulation, it is owning him completely.

 

I agree with much said here. Yes, hubby needs to want to be locked. Explain to him how his masturbation is cheating you of his sexual energies. You have needs, does he want to fill them? Will he accept a FLR including bondage, punishment, humiliation, chastity, wife as ultimate decision maker... Make yourself a list of punishments to keep in your tool belt i.e.. spankings, corner time, allowance, chastity, bondage and others

 

My GF roped me in to chastity too, so I can tell you what worked for her: she took (takes) it very slow and made it very fun. I had no idea I was being played for months. Now that I am hooked she tells me more (and I am terrified!).

Our dynamic was the opposite: we had sex too much. She wanted it more than me and I used that to control the relationship - a mistake she set out to rectify permanently. And how. If you do this right he WILL be a different man and WILL thank you for it.

One caution: if I get truly mad or feel taken advantage of, the cage loses its magic powers. You can deny him a long time (probably needed to break him down) but build up to it and make it fun until he is hooked.

 

He is a fool! And he should start working on his behaviour. Men should al be taught to treat their lover like the queen/goddess she is.

My wife/mistress/lover is 19 years younger than I. We have the best magic possible and we try to pleasure eachother as much as possible. Her life wasn't easy, so now it is her time to relax and enjoy being the wonderfull woman she is.