Maybe we've been looking at this the wrong way

One of my advice pointers on introducing chastity to a wife usually involves not trying to convince her of how well you will behave, act, and treat her if caged. It automatically begs the question of “why do you need a cage to act like you love me?”

Rather than try to explain the chemical reactions after and before an orgasm, i tell people to explain that is for them and not her. It helps them focus and prioritize.

Truth is as a male, we act differently after an orgasm, we prioritize things differently, we judge consequences differently as well.

For a non kink example…man jerks off in the morning because he has a pretty good idea that no sex will happen. Later she goes to bed, man thinks about joining her but decides to stay up and watch some more tv. He does the math in his head, she probably still isn’t in the mood, so he just stays up heck might even get a wank in before turning in himself. She feels alone, or upset, or unattractive etc. He tries to initiate sex the next day but she is still upset and he hasn’t made her feel special. He only sees this as another NO, and goes for another wank.
Or
He hasn’t had an O in awhile, locked in chastity, he doesn’t think she will want to fool around but gives it a go. Nope she isn’t in the mood yet, but damn he can’t wait till she does. Later she heads to bed, he’s not tired, and he doubts she will want to unlock him but still follows her to bed. He doesn’t really know for sure so it’s better to be safe than sorry. They go to bed together and when he gives her this connection and attention, she sees exactly how much he wants her. This may not make her unlock him but they are on the path to get there.

My perspective, you can’t tell someone that you will make the right choices more often when locked, you need to show them. Through actions and tone, show her the caged you, and when she likes him better than the old you, selling the cage life kinda sells itself.

 

It sounds as if you are not so different from Hubby and myself. He has come to learn that the intimacy can be as fulfilling as the orgasm but in an emotional way rather than a physical way.

Right now we are trying to get all his ejaculations to finalize his vasectomy and neither one of us finds it very satisfying. We are both prefer the sex to happen when it is the right moment. It just happens naturally and it is special. Typically this seems to be about once a week for us. Afterwards we continue love making and although he may give me another orgasm he just gets loved by me. His orgasm is an intense high but then morphs into an emotional state. It becomes about the love as much as the release.

I had him just masturbate when my period started and though his orgasm was okay the feelings he had after left him totally down. There was no love before, during, or after. He said he felt like he was cheating even though I told him to do it.

It sounds like you are mentally coming to that same conclusion. You want your orgasm to means something more than just a quick high.

Sex wants to happen when the moment is right for both of you. This is where the cage comes in, particularly if she has a lower libido than you do. It is not about making you a better husband. You should be the best husband you can just because you love her and you are partners. It is about allowing HER to know when the moment is right. The cage helps you with your patience and the key lets her decide when she wants to make sexual love and how. Her responsibility is to make sure it is about love and not your or her orgasm. When she realizes she has the power, then she needs to understand she has the responsibility to control the act. You have to realize that giving her this power means you have to let her lead. You have to listen to her body as well as her words. You have to make it about love and not sex. Don’t worry. If you do this the sex will be fantastic.

In our case, and based on what you wrote I think it applies to you also, long term denial is not a good thing. Locktober and NOvember can take away the spontaneity. Sex should happen when the feeling is right. Long term denial probably just makes you frustrated and more about the orgasm than the love when you finally are allowed to have sex.

Just my thoughts on what I saw in your blog.

 

"Why do I need to be caged to be a better husband?"

We are now starting year 5, and had this very conversation last night. My mistress still is not a big fan of the cage, doesn't understand why it matters. However, she recognizes that there is a difference so we continue on.

 

Okay, from my experience of having chastity devices in our relationship for 40 years the answers is simple. Chastity adds another level of delight to my sex life (it’s one of my many kinks). Full stop. She doesn’t need more justification than that. Nor does She need her to justify why she enjoys her Hitachi wand so much (it’s obvious that the wand gives her an intense orgasm). Do I resent her Hitachi? No. Why, because she usually places me in a sleep sack or other bondage while she treats herself. Then she takes advantage of my helplesss state to enjoy another orgasm from oral or PIV. We have a fantastic sex life with or without toys and kink, but we both love our toys and our kinks so we don’t limit ourselves. Do we occasionally need reassurance from each other? Absolutely, it’s a 40 year long relationship! How do we reassure each other? We communicate often and honestly.

Why can’t my wife and I survive eating undressed salad, and meat without spice? We can of course, but why should we?

 

Women can be slow learners

 

This is Hubby. As Missy said, try letting her know you try to be a good husband regardless of the chastity. Without being pushy or seeming like you are forcing some kink on her, tell her what the key can really do for her. Her holding the key will make it easier for you to be patient in the sex department and will make you more aware of her feelings in the bedroom. It will let her make the bedroom about her wants and needs. She gets to truly decide when she just wants to be intimate and when she wants intercourse and when she just wants oral or other stimulation. It is not about denial or teasing but rather about all her sexual and intimacy needs being fulfilled and never being pressured for sex. When she is fulfilled, you are fulfilled.
She obviously does not want to make chastity the reason you treat her with love and respect. She might accept it as a tool for helping you to be a better, more giving lover.
That is what I think the cage has done for me. It made my growth last summer, when I learned intimacy is so fulfilling in the bedroom, possible. After her breakthrough at Thanksgiving all that I learned carried over and we have many more nights of just intimacy than actual sex. We are both so much more comfortable and satisfied in the bedroom now. And the sex when we have it is awesome for both of us.

 

I like to speed, I dont want to, I fight the urge, I'll catch myself doing it sometimes and slow down, but when I use cruise control I can set it and stay just a bit faster than I should be going, instead of a lot faster. Am I the only one who likes cruise control? I find its a much better option than tickets.

I am blown away by how much better I treat my wife when I'm in pursuit of her, I think its the hormones, (think about the dating days when sex was off the table) but what ever it is, with chastity, I can set it and without a conscious effort I treat her better than I otherwise would if I got an orgasm when ever I wanted. BUT... if I, or most other men, don't get help keeping Ms Palmer out of the relationship, it like driving without cruise control, at best we dont get caught.

Can a man be the best husband he can be without chastity?

 

I have come to the same conclusion, with just one question: what about when the hornyness gets to the point of not being able to function? Like when we were 18? Or was that just my personal problem?

 

I'm not sure what the real answer is, but that is not it. I grew up before the internet, and I did not have much porn available. Except my imagination. Imagination is porn. It's even stronger than porn for me.

 

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I am sure I am far from being a perfect husband and I am even surer that chastity will never make me one. I was brought up to believe that I needed to respect and protect all women. I was taught if something needs to be done you do it regardless of whose responsibility it is at that moment. You don't expect accolades for doing what you should do. Missy and I treat each other the best we can because we love each other, not because I want sex or she wants to tease me. I pay attention to her because I truly like her. She is my best friend. Has nothing to do with the chastity.
Mind you I sometimes screw up but it has nothing to do with being in or out of chastity. I try not to make the same mistakes twice. Again not because I am in chastity or have been denied but because I don't want to hurt her.
The chastity makes me a better husband in the bedroom because understanding her emotional needs and physical desires in the bedroom was never my strong suit. The old adage women are from Venus and men are from Mars thing. The chastity ensures her control and leadership in this aspect. She is slowly teaching me though.
Maybe by the time I die I will understand. I read somewhere that when a man figures out why pizza is round and comes in a square box and you eat it as a triangle he will have a slight chance of understanding women.

 

I will agree about masterbation being an addiction. It's the endorphin rush that I crave. However it's like "Chasing the Dragon", I need more and more in order to get the same result.

That is one of the ways Chastity has helped me, it gotten my Masterbation under control.

The other way is intimacy. When denied a release I will do whatever I can to be close to my Wife. Snuggling, loving touches as I walk by, giving a "Drive By" kiss.

The key, I believe, is the intimacy.

A Chastity Cage is a focal point that directs our attention to our loved one. It just that the intimacy outside the bedroom is more accessible to us. Especially if you have kids.

I guess it's like a sex aid. Helping us to be more into the pleasure of being intimate without making love. Sort of like a long drawn out foreplay session.

Iso.

 

Much better phrasing

Chastity as a cage or mindset? Could you make the same "my best friend" statement if you were in a when I want it I better get it mindset? My apologies if I seem a bit argumentative, I'm sure my views are warped, but it seems our culture promotes the subliminal message that men get to use women for sex. How can a man with that mindset be friends with his wife?
Chastity as a kink? I'm in, my wife is not, chastity as a mindset, hmmmmm, but many wives seem up for that.

 

This is an important point that is easily lost in a place where it seems like everybody's in a D/s style FLR and the guy is a submissive beta slave, but there's more to it than that. Chastity is a tool that can be used by everyone, not just betas, etc.

My wife and I are pretty much vanilla in all respects except for the fact that we've started using chastity, and the results have been wonderful. I never knew that there were so many negative side effects to masturbating, but I do now. While it certainly does add an exciting dynamic if your wife becomes your keyholder, even that isn't a requirement. It's perfectly fine for you to self-lock if that's what it takes to stop your nasty habit. If you find that you keep using the key so you can wank, then you'll need to lock up the key in a box like this. Another popular trick for self-lockers is to put the key in a container full of water and freeze it. While that won't stop you from using it for bad reasons, it will give you enough time, while you wait for the ice to melt, to reflect on what you are doing and why the key was frozen in the first place, so hopefully you will come (no pun intended) to your senses.

As others have said, don't sell it on the "benefits", let chastity sell itself, just say it's a way to stop you masturbating. Then, instead of "why do you need to be caged to be a better husband?", the question becomes "why do you need a device to help you stop masturbating?" and the answer is easy, you're a man!!! Why does a dog lick his balls? Because he can. Why do men wank? Because they can.

 

Welcome to being human.

Sometimes, the high ends. How you respond to that is always interesting, if you spend time in introspection.

Don't beat yourself up too hard. Step back a bit and think about what your goals are for your marriage, and for yourself. Then try to keep those in mind.

You won't always live up to your ideal image of yourself, but that won't stop you from pursuing that vision.

Best of luck.

 

I cannot imagine a successful marriage where you are not friends. If a man sees his wife primarily as a sex object he is on the road to the 50% of marriages that fail.

Even for the sexiest couples, Love making is a small fraction of the time you spend with each other so you better like your spouse as much as you love her. Most of your together time is time spent talking or playing or working to keep things in order. If you don’t enjoy each other’s company you will be miserable most of the time.

You support your spouse’s dreams, goals, and ambitions. You comfort each other in times of sadness. You care for each other in sickness. You have your spouse’s back always. When you argue or fight you work it out and are quick to forgive.

These are the same things that define a best friend. If they are missing in a relationship I believe that relationship can’t last forever.

 

Chastity scratches an itch for both of us. She desires CONTROL, and she gets it with me being locked up.

I'm a sub, and I like being used by my Dominant. And so for me, the only time I get unlocked is when she wishes to use me for her pleasure. I love when she decides to use me and I love that is only ever on her terms and the way she chooses. I'll be honest, she often picks an uncomfortable position, or gives me a ruin, or forces me to cum immediately without being able to enjoy being inside her. But thats OK, it's her decision and I love it that way.

She could lock me up for 3 months and I would be happy. She could unlock me and give me a daily orgasm for 3 months and I also would be happy. Although I have to say one of those scenarios is pretty unlikely lmao.

 

All relationships, whether vanilla or D/s, must have love as the foundation.

 

I'm just starting my journey here - similar to you - I need to stop masturbating so I'm available to her and not constantly flooded by orgasm hormones. I'm hoping that my upcoming self-lock journey will help this out and "sell itself" so she becomes more comfortable with it.

I think my situation is interesting in that my wife and I already have a wonderful and affectionate relationship (last night on Valentine's Day I just made her dinner and got her flowers and took her to the chiropractor). Because she was in a lot of pain and discomfort, the thought of sex didn't really cross my mind as a possibility or something I even wanted to ask for (my body had other ideas, but we just chuckled). She needed cuddles, rubs, and scratches, and I was more than happy to just give those (and I'm not even locked yet).

Ok humble brag over but that's all the say, I'm getting into chastity just to enhance our sex lives, not because I don't feel like we serve each other's other needs while I'm a selfish masturbator. Just kinda echoing what other people have said and putting my hat in the ring for "someone can be an attentive husband without a cage"

 

And that's the best reason to do it, so I really hope it all works out for the best for you. For our Valentine's, we exchanged cards and chocolates and flowers in the morning, then we each had regular work days. When we went to bed, she asked for a neck rub and massage, as her neck has been hurting recently and I had given her a great massage the day before, so I happily obliged with a long (like 30 mins+) massage. When she was done, she rolled over and we had a really nice cuddle, then she reached over to the bedside table and I was wondering what she was looking for, and she came back with the keys !!! That was TOTALLY unexpected! She then unlocked me and removed the cage herself and proceeded to play with me. First was a brief blowjob, then some nice tickling (with no cumming, of course). She got me super hard and felt quite pleased with herself, lol. That was the best Valentine's Day gift that she could have given me.