As the Keyholder (gf) how do I not give in and feel guilty about bf's predicament

This is a tough one. Every couple is different... the best thing is for you to talk about it honestly... preferably when he's not crawling-the-walls-horny. Good communication is key, without that things tend to go wrong.

A few ideas/suggestions

1] The sub may be begging just hoping that you will say no. It sounds weird but it may well be true

2] As KH, you need to realise that he wants you to be strict. When you cave in he gets disappointed. Ask him about it afterwards and you'll see. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind...

3] Do you enjoy his begging and puppy dog thing? If yes, keep doing what you're doing. If no, add one day when he bugs you by begging. Double the confinement period each time he bugs you. By the time he's getting an extra week or two for bugging you, it will stop! This only works if the punishment period is credible. The best way to make it credible: never cave in to pleading demands

4] Add one day for any time he asks to be unlocked and you say no. This will make him think and evaluate your mood before asking

5] Regular feedback. Have him email you weekly or monthly: what did KH do that he liked best?

6] Introduce a delay, e.g. Freeze the key in a big block of ice, or keep it in a place that you can only reach the next day. That way you can't give in during a moment of weakness. Or buy a "kitchensafe" so the lockup period is fixed in stone

7] If you want to get really serious, do a one-time long-term lockup to really break his spirit. 3 months would do it, maybe even one month would do it if you're both in college!

8] If you have a close friend with whom you can share the secret, require him to have permission from both of you to be unlocked

9] Calming him down... cold showers can work well. Or ice

-droog

 

If you have flirted with the idea of 3 weeks to a month.. Go longer... You are in charge and if you show him you mean business and do what YOU want... You going to mess with his mind... a lot! If you are serious about this (and I think you are), then he probably, deep inside, want you to push his limits. Then if it is one extra week or a full year, that is up to you to decide (you know your man).
The suggestion that he report to you in a mail every week or month is a very good idea. You can read what he really wants without him dom from the bottom with "Can you do this or that and no longer then...". You will know what he likes without him telling you what to do. And he can never know how you will react to his writing/feelings...

/D

 

You're off to a great start! Just go with the flow of your mood. I can assure you he's willing to stay locked longer. Even if he wont admit it yet! Great beginning

 

Good advice there, if the begging really bothers you then either the adding of lockup time is going to work or threaten him that the chastity play will end if he continues to beg. I don't mind a little begging, but sometimes it can become a pain, so serious punishments should be used to discourage it.

 

Extra days are a good punishment however, they lack immediacy. I don't know if you are into any other kind of play but it may help to punish in two ways; one immediate that gets his attention straight away (spanking etc) and also adding days.That immediacy can be very effective in conditioning his behaviour; the extra day whilst troubling for him is a long way off so doesn't necessarily stick in his mind.

As others have said often when he is asking he really does want you to say no. Just be clear on what's acceptable in terms of him asking you and don't forget he introduced you to this; he really does want it even when he brings out the puppy dog eyes.

I hope that helps.

 

Hello again. I think you'll just get used to it in time, meaning his little puppy eyes won't have as much of an effect you as they used to. You need to never let him out earlier than promised because it will set a bad precedence that you're a push over and that he can control you from the bottom.

The truth is, you're the boss and he has to be subservient to you. Don't feel bad because you're doing this for his own good. You said it yourself, he's a better boyfriend when chaste. I recommended the icyhot trick as an immediate punishment for whining. Trust me, that will put an end to it quickly and deter him from doing it again.

Also, if you're using a CB model device, I recommend you incorporate an anti-pullout device. I believe @Thatgirl has some for sale. It comes with 3 different sizes, I recommend you use the smallest (least protruding) and cut off the sides. It'll provide maximum comfort (no pinching) and very good security.

You're doing great! Just learn to say no very strongly and punish any whining harshly and immediately with pain (icyhot on the penis while locked, 20 hard smacks to his balls while he's restrained, etc). I commend you for taking the stance of never wanting to go back to the way things were before chastity. I think you've reached quite the milestone! When you want it more than he does and he's whining and needs punishment, then that means you're doing things right.

 

My girlfriend wasn't always so strict.
But no sad puppy eyes work these days.
When I beg she just says 'no' in realy cold voice and ignores me.

 

Yes! They are still for sale. And they work great for both the CB models and the MM Jailbird. We had to modify it for maximum comfort for both devices. For the CB, we just cut off the sides and smoothed it out, for the Jailbird, we actually had to cut off the sides and the majority of the front so all that is left is a strip of plastic at the top of the cage, where his cock goes in.Works wonders to keep him from pulling out and also for slippage of the cage.

 

All excellent tips. I think it's important that her boyfriend be securely locked so that he can't circumvent her desire to keep him chaste for longer periods of time, particularly as she is currently trying to instill some discipline in him. He needs to learn who's boss.

 

This touches on something I've been thinking about and writing about for M: Dominance and submission or being "Dom" and being "subby"

“Subby” is short for submissive but I take the meaning to specifically mean eroticized submission in the context of a D/s relationship. Not just submissive but in a context where the action becomes erotic for both partners. The idea of wearing a nose ring is kind of erotic. The idea of being made to wear a nose ring quadruples the eroticism. The eroticism is multiplied by the act of submitting.

Three ingredients are required: my resistance, your domination, and a transformable act. I have to have some resistance before I can submit to your dominance. I have resistance to most things. Later for things I like and sooner for things I don’t like. It is when I hit the resistance that things become interesting.

To push beyond my resistance you have to dominate. You have to require, not just request. I have to feel some demand that I can not escape from. That you are not giving me an option but requiring compliance.

To keep it fun the act has to be transformable to the erotic. Ideally this happens on both your side and my side. Transformation to the erotic depends on the act and the mind set. Some acts are naturally erotic. Bondage is already erotic to me. If you keep me tied a long time I begin to want out but it is not too difficult to transform that and find it erotic. House work is not already erotic but I could transform it into something erotic if you required it. I suppose that some very submissive people could transform anything into an erotic experience simply because they are submitting. And very dominate people could transform anything into an erotic experience simply because they are dominating another person. ​

I think that D/s starts when one person exerts their will over another. If both people want it then the act is not really D/s. For example:

Not D/s:

"Want to see 'Spiderman' tonight?" "Yes, and you?" "Yes, shows at 6:30, lets go."

"Will you lock me in a chastity device and tease me?" "That sounds hot, lets do it."
​

D/s

 

Of he's going to drag out the puppy eyes, treat him like a dog. Roll up a newspaper and wack him...in the nuts. "No! Bad sub!" *chuckle*

 

(Dang - previous message got posted before I finished. Here's the rest.)

D/s is..

"Want to See 'Spiderman'?" "A movie sounds good, we'll go to 'Godzilla', go find the times." "OK"

"Please let me out of the device" "I like your arousal. No release today and don't ask again until tomorrow after 6pm". "OK."
​

So your partner introduced you to this and now you like it and now he complains. Sounds like you are at a point where you can figure out how dominate you are and how submissive he is.

But first, there is a practical matter you need to take care of. Pain from the device, chafing, abrasion are not something that I could transform to erotic. I think you gotta figure those things out so that he is in a device that does not cause physical problems. There are a lot of posts here about doing that. I can eroticize some slight discomfort and inconvenience of a device but I not too much.

Release because he is frustrated, well, isn't that the whole point that he gets frustrated and you are in control? This is the time for you to assert your dominance and him to submit.

It is one thing to fantasize about it and another to experience it. You have to negotiate dominance and submission. You have to figure out where you are comfortable dominating him. He has to figure out how to be submissive. As I wrote, it takes both parts of the exchange.

He introduced you so I assume he finds chastity erotic and an ability to eroticize being controlled. Find your power and dance with him. But this may take quite a bit of out of scene negotiation to work it out.

I like the idea of a long initial lock up period. Assert your dominance. What does it feel like? What are your boundaries of comfort in it. Can you eroticize being in control? Is he able to submit? Can he find excitement in that?

 

I can totally relate to what he's feeling. The whining isn't his way of saying he doesn't want you to be in total control, it's just his way of dealing with the pent up lust. I like to compare it to someone who wants to lose weight, yet whines to his personal fitness trainer about letting them take a day off from the gym or indulging in fatty foods. It's not that the person doesn't want to lose weight and do as the trainer says, it's just that they lack the discipline and need it to be instilled into them by the trainer. If you give in to his whining you're only doing him a disservice. He needs a strong woman to enforce his chastity for his own good whether he likes it or not at times.

 

@BoyfriendinChastity They will all whine and moan at some point, it's there way of letting you know they are caged for you. If it gets too much then say to him "Shut the Hell up". It will probably make him even more whiny but hopefully less verbal.

If it doesn't, theres always the ball gag.

 

How do you not feel guilty?

Ooh, I know, I know, pick me, pick me! (Waves hand in the air frantically trying to get the teachers sorry 'girlfriends' attention.)

By not feeling guilty. It's what he wants.

 

We have been doing this six months and last weekend was the first time my Wife said NO. It was a brilliant moment and one I have been really wanting. She keeps reminding me that I asked her for this and I meekly just say yes Miss. I honestly want you to believe that being told no is exactly what I want and the majority of men in this lifestyle want the same thing. Tomorrow I will have been denied for 8 weeks and I feel like I am about to pop. It's amazing!

 

Yep. Yep. Yep. Any of the "keyholder" guides written by women will tell you that we guys want you to be even stricter than we may say. If I suggest a 1month lockup M should decided on a 2 month lock up. Why? Because that is what makes my stomach all liquid with that scared-excited feeling. It is true.

Having some sort of back channel where he can communicate to you out of scene will help. In scene I can say "Whoa, no way 2 months. I never asked for that." In the back channel I can say "OK, maybe, sure got me excited..." After every session M and I chat for a few minutes. I tell her how my experience was. It is usually out-of-scene. A time when I can be honest. I think she needs this sort of feedback. Maybe with time and more familiarity the importance of it will diminish.

 

Let me just say that I doubt he is in pain or has sore balls due to chastity.

Is he frustrated? Yes! Is he uncomfortable at times? Yes!

Both of these things are good.

That having been said, if he is in real pain or has any extreme bulging of his anatomy as a result of the device, then it does not fit right, and should be removed. It should never be painful, just uncomfortable at certain times.

 

One thing I do wonder is how many times does he orgasm when you decide its time? If you keep it to just one (and a quick one at that) each time he'll find its never enough to relieve the build up of frustration if you're keeping him locked for long periods.

 

Okay, a few observations. Firstly some amazing advice in this thread, which I'm going to ponder on myself actually. However, there's one hugely obvious solution to this that I can't believe anyone has mentioned... safewords!

As very experienced kinksters but relatively new to chastity this was one of the first things we set up when we started trying this. Whether it's because he's struggling physically with the device or that he's at the edge of what he can stand from a teasing perspective, we have agreed the standard 'Yellow' for 'I'm struggling for real, just be aware' and 'Red' for 'We need to stop and just talk directly about what's happening and agree together how to proceed'.
The beauty of this is when hubby complains his balls are sore, or he's frustrated or begs me to stop a post orgasm torture, and he HASN'T used a safeword, I can continue with absolutely no guilt whatsoever! (and FYI he's never used them yet).

Now, the fact I'm naturally submissive means he has to remind me of this to get it into my thick skull, and for the first few months in snuggle times afterwards I felt guilty and he'd gently say 'Did I use my safeword darling?' and I SLOWLY got the message (as well as him encouraging me throughout and telling me how wonderfully I was doing).
So yes, talk again about safewords because they are not just there for HIM. The fact he doesn't use them gives you a huge freedom in continuing and ENJOYING what you're putting him through. They are brilliant (and also key go it all being safe, sane and consensual).

My second point is just be careful you don't go too far. It's all very well saying he wants you to go further and harder on him, but part of the reason he loves you is the fact you care about him, and there's a danger in trying to fulfil the fantasy of chastity that you become a harder, colder person who really, you may not want to be. All this has to be taken in context, and fitted into real life and the full spectrum of your relationship.
I'm new to the 'top' role but I've seen my husband take it with me for over a decade, and it's now our responsibility to find the right balance between the fantasy and reality.
What works really well for us is we both agree rules and then I'm simply following them, effectively denying him, but under his authority... (it's just how I'm wired, I need that) and knowing that we both agreed them (he often comes up with most of them) plus the overarching security safewords give me, works very well indeed.
So I guess I'm just saying, find where YOU are comfortable with and don't feel pressured to go 100% psycho bitch, because that's a fantasy best left for porn, not a loving relationship.

I hope that helps!