Chastity: Fantasy vs. Reality

Yes. I know exactly. I hate the pain when my wife spanks me hard. She likes to "paint" my butt red with the belt, spatula, shower brush etc. I am turned on beyond belief but the pain is terrible. She likes it now because I get really big and fuck her really hard when I am spanked.
Ss

 

That is such a good post @ChasteHubby2015 - My fantasies about chastity that were fueled by Tumblr posts took a while to subside into the reality my Wife was willing to provide. She is my keyholder and my control but she is uninterested in being my Mistress.

I haven't got to a point where I hate my device, in fact I would say I actually prefer to wear it rather than be unlocked. The affect wearing this device has had in me is I have almost completely stopped looking at porn. I don't need it. While my Wife was never upset by my masturbating or looking at porn she is very happy I have stopped.

 

Using a real stainless steel chastity belt or tube changes fantasy to reality very quickly. In a loving relationship it takes years and much practice to make it work for both participants. My husband and I were lucky. We started semi-serious with a side of playfulness, and evolved into a practical relationship were each side receives much enjoyment, but more importantly, a fulfilling lifestyle. The most challenging issue for me was understanding what he really wanted and balancing that with what I thought he wanted. My first concern has always been making him happy, meeting his needs. If that means letting him cook, clean, and do laundry all the better.

 

@MistressL It is an odd thing isn't it that my Wife letting me cook and do other chores for her can be such a turn on, but the simple fact is it does. It is the fact that she is able to relax and have a nice tidy home which is so important to her. It makes her happy and anything that makes her happy makes my heart sing. I am also being selfish though as I am fully aware that if she is pleased with my efforts I will be rewarded for being a good boy. It helps that I absolutely love cooking!

 

Wow, this is a really insightful post. Speaking as someone who has never had an in-person owner before, I do not yet have a full concept of what real submission is like. When control really is out of your hands. I experienced it momentarily when I gave the code to my chastity key lockbox to someone else for a week, but that was a one-time experience. Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate your words.

 

Isn't it funny how the fantasies we originally had about chastity are so different when it comes to the real world. Horny wives, tons of sex, throbbing 24/7. All these fantasies were actually my selfish ideas. Nobody could live those fantasies 24/7/365. There's too much real life that gets in the way. Some of the postings here and other stuff on the web are just that, fantasies.

Chastity for has become the closeness that we have developed. We share all the duties around the house now. Cook together, clean together, etc. She is not a dom and I am not a sub in any of the ways that are depicted here or anywhere else on the web. Chastity for me has made me aware of how important she is to me and how beautiful she really is. Chastity for her has made her realize how important I am to her. Her having freedom from sexual pressure has brought out the best from her in all areas of our lives.

It's not wild and crazy sex or tease and denial every night or her wanting orgasms any chance she gets. But when those situations arise, she has become better than any fantasy I had created in my mind and it's hotter than hell. Chastity has allowed her the sexual freedom to let herself be as sensual as she wants to be without the fear of performing the so called "expectancy" of intercourse that has always been uncomfortable for her. She has also let me know that I have become an amazing lover.

The other reality is that we live very normal lives with chastity being part but not the focus. We both work, come home, make supper, do laundry, etc like any other couple. There is no actual sex sometimes for weeks depending on her mood although that's not the typical case. Who cares? We are hugging and kissing all the time. We are very happy to see and be with each other. Compliments instead of digs. Very interested in each others needs. I could go on and on. Even our children and friends have noticed the change in our relationship.

The biggest fantasy I had about chastity was being aroused all the time but for very different reasons than my reality. I originally got aroused by the thought of just the sex stuff, but my reality is my constant arousal just to be with her.

 

This is rapidly turning into one of my favorite threads in the Mansion. The fact that I have found other people with similar stories (with subtle differences of course) really helps me move forward. I was beginning to feel a bit like I wasn't getting what I wanted when I encouraged my Wife to be my keyholder. But that doesn't matter does it? It is about what she wants, far more than what I want.

Yesterday I wrote about how my Wife was uninterested in becoming my complete dominant partner, how she did not want me to come a complete 'yes man' to all of her whims. I am much happier now that this is ok, in fact it is more than OK. She would go mad if I tried to do everything! That is the type of person she is and it would be wrong for me to try and change her.

 

This thread is really meaningful to me. You guys really have struck a chord. This Friday will mark the 3rd week of my new marriage to a wonderful, beautiful woman who I love very much. Tomorrow evening will be the last time I am allowed to have unrestricted access to her and allowed to have as many orgasms as I can manage. I have been locked up since Monday morning, and was supposed to be let out last night, but would only have had an hour with her. I was thankfully able to convince her to postpone it until tomorrow when we will be able to have the entire evening together. Needless to say I wasn't allowed anything last night. Am looking really forward to tomorrow evening, and plan to do absolutely as much as I can!

The impending loss of control has really been a motivator though to get all the lovemaking in that I can, which she has enjoyed immensely, and doing this so soon in our lives together should keep things as fresh as they are now. Kind of like drying out the wedding bouquet when it is at the height of its beauty in order to save it to enjoy for years to come, rather than letting the flowers continue to spread and eventually turn brown and fall out.

After tomorrow night, She will have things exactly how She wants them and there will be none of the typical male laziness popping up which I am very likely to fall into without motivation such as this. I know, because it has happened to me before. Our desire is that we never lose the newlywed spark we have now.

It will definitely be an adjustment, just as it is for you @ChasteHubby2015, as I am very independent and alpha myself. I would love to avoid any of the typical problems before they even pop up. And just as you have noticed @chastingfun, it has increased our closeness already. On days where she has had me locked and not allowed out, it has been an incredible turn on just knowing she's the only one who can release me and just being close to her is better than anything else.

 

Indeed!

 

If I was my wife I would be completely shaved, head to foot, wearing a corset and lingerie and high heels, tied to a chain hanging from the ceiling, nipple clamps and ball gag in place, with a nice princess butt plug just removed so I could be given a damn good pegging. As I was being pegged I would be told how I was going to be left tied to the bed while my Wife would be downstairs having sex with the sexy neighbors who live opposite us, but don't worry, the door would be open so I could hear.

Just as well I'm me and my Wife is my Wife

 

Absolutely. That was ultimately how I sold her on the idea. That dynamic really appeals to her, and I am looking forward to making her dreams come true.

 

What a great thread this is. This forum has been immensely helpful in my exploration of this lifestyle with my wife - it really helps to know that others are going through/have been through the same trials and tribulations.

Can only really echo what Jamsic has said - it really felt like I was not getting what I wanted or had fantasized about. The reality is quite different from the fantasy: but an incredible experience. Slowly starting to really make it about my wife's wants and desires and putting my wants secondary has really been an epiphany.

I still harbor deep wishes for more kink and quicker but the recognition this is about my wonderful wife and what she wants more than makes up for this.

It truly has brought us closer together - even if the reality is quite different from the fantasy! It sure as heck is not plain sailing and sometimes it is very hard but seeing my wife happy more than makes the effort worthwhile.

 

The one thing I can say is that right at the start of my Wife and my exploration I kept saying to my Wife that this was totally about what She wanted, not what I wanted, and it would go wherever She wanted it to. This ironically nearly ended things just as they were getting started.

It turns out that I never realized that the reason my Wife of 25 years never talked about what turns her on, never told me what she wanted or fantasized about is that she can't talk about it. And I mean seriously, deeply uncomfortably unable to talk about it. My constant asking what she wanted was putting pressure on her that she couldn't cope with. So I backed off, I promised her that now I understood that she was uncomfortable I would not do it again.

Almost immediately, within days, She suddenly came out with an announcement that she was going to dress me in lingerie and a maids outfit. Bam! Totally out of the blue, no warning and certainly nothing I had planted in her mind. She did it while we were sitting in a motorway service station, and the look on her face was incredible, she absolutely relished that moment. My entire being suddenly felt electrified, this was exactly what I wanted.

Since then my Wife has had fun buying me women's clothes (real ones, not fantasy costumes) and has removed the hairs from both of my legs. She wants the smooth legs permanently but I only get to wear women's clothes when she allows it. She isn't completely feminising me but is making suggestions that are heading that way, maybe. This is not what I ever thought would happen, in fact when we started this she actually said she wants me to be strong, a man, not to become less of a man than I am but actually more.

The point is I fully accept all of this because it truly is all about Her. I am currently on my fifth day of twenty in which I am banned from talking about Chastity. I lost a bet and the forfeit was not being allowed two consecutive Saturday's in which I am allowed to talk, the only days I am normally allowed to. This forfeit was Her idea that she almost backed away from for fear it was too harsh. After a night thinking about this I informed her I fully accepted the forfeit. I want her to get more confident in what she is doing and I saw this as a good way of doing that. It isn't going to be easy, it already has been difficult but I am determined to give her the rest that she requires. And, in that period of five days I have so far given her three orgasms. I love it.

 

I've really enjoyed this thread and it's actually what prompted to me to register here after lurking for a few months.

My feeling is that it's tough to relate to some of the stuff I see posted on message boards about chastity ... I feel there are alot of guys stretching the truth for personal wank material. However, this thread definitely struck a chord with me and reminded me very strongly of my own relationship.

I'm also 32 years old, and it seems generally this is something that you find in an older audience, so it was really cool to read what ChaseHubby2015 has written as well as others who've posted here.

I definitely can relate to a certain degree of paradox in my relationship about this. On one hand, when my GF and I had chastity going well for about a month in December, it was definitely some of the most honest, candid, and brightest parts of our 7+ year relationship.

Even though I generally care very little about what the world thinks (I've been into BDSM as long as I can remember, even when I was 15 y/o my girlfriend and I were tying each other up , insisting we were both "switch").. . So it doesn't bother me one bit whether chastity or anything else is socially "accepted" or not, as long as it doesn't hurt anyone. I know this well -- I'm also a crossdresser so I feel like I've had plenty of years to learn how to deal with expressing my wants and needs in a relationship about something that is taboo or difficult to come to terms with.

But I guess what I struggle with is that there's a balance between learning & articulating what I need out of my relationship to be happy (and executing it together with my partner) vs. whether I'm "asking too much" of my partner (or vice versa).

For example, we've both realized that we are much much happier when I set aside my pride, and let my girlfriend sort of take control of everything she likes to. In reality, it's been this way for awhile even though we never acknowledged it before experimenting with chastity. For example, she pays the rent and bills with my money, she comes up with stuff for us to do on the weekend , etc. But with chastity, it's like this comes right out into the open and we're no longer really pretending that it's a 50/50 split for this stuff. I just give her my card and let her transfer the money around, so there's a high degree of trust. The only thing I make her agree to is our pooled money must go 33% to savings, 33% to expenses, and 33% for anything else.

But what I really struggle with is striking a balance between letting her "do whatever she wants" in this whole FLR contexts, and just not really expressing or articulating my needs and wants -- "it's all about her ", or so say some of the threads. On the other hand, even in an FLR or whatever, I think it's important (especially for the submissive partner ) to communicate their expections, their wants, and needs.

The thing is -- sometimes I feel I'm asking or want too much .. Sometimes I feel that she's being unreasonable. I already feel like that I've asked alot, and she's been incredible in regards to the crossdressing thing, I can do it around the house as much as I want or need, she encourages me in it as she thinks it's good for my psychological health etc. For chastity, it's basically the same kind of deal, except chastity is alot more work . It requires a substantial amount of dedicated time on her part so that both she feels comfortable in her skin being bossy, having confidence that I'll actually listen etc and a substantial amount of time on my part to spend giving each other physical affection so the whole thing works without hurt feelings .. ie. that I don't feel neglected while "locked up", and so that she doesn't feel overwhelmed or stressed by the extra things she now has to do.

But I guess how do you evaluate what is appropriate and what is too much in this context? How do you tell if one partner is being selfish or is just being honest or realistic? I find it becomes much much much more difficult when you take what might otherwise be a Sunday afternoon BDSM scene and try to extend it to day-to-day life. Granted, there's a huge payoff for the time investment, at least when it concerns how her personality and mine intermesh. But I'm curious to go a bit deeper here... how are people in FLRs or whatever they are called ... the ones where you live together , ie not pro dommes ... How do people (especially the submissive ones or switch ones) in these relationships with chastity work in regards articulating their own needs ? How do you evaluate whether you are being realistic or unrealistic? How do you evaluate whether you are asking too much (in regards to chastity and/or FLR) , or whether your partner simply needs to make some reciprocal sacrifices to make you happy?

That's what I struggle with at the moment, in general terms. I feel very lucky , but I also don't like to get complacent with anything in life. Things are up and down in our relationship due to her job being very stressful and having too many hours (she's going part time at a new job in two weeks)... That will make her much less stressed and happier. But I'd like to know , if anyone cares to share it, how they communicate about expectations and needs with a dominant partner in a way that's realistic, fair, sensible, etc. How do people deal with disappointment and/or mismatched expectations, in "reality"?

I know in fantasy you just say "well it's all about Mistress Domina , the Bitch Queen, so buck up and go do her laundry". .. But in a real relationship, even a 24/h D/S one, there's got to be a way that both Mistress Domina and her submissive partner both come to an understanding that both can live with and makes them both happy. I'm generally good at this BDSM stuff, though new to the 24/7 aspect, and I'm mystified by how to evaluate reasonableness as there's not really objective criteria or a map in this territory.

 

Im going to generalize a bit here due to everyone's relationship being unique.

Your relationship has included non vanilla activities for most, if not all of, 7 years. In DEC 2015, you actively began practicing chastity and or orgasm denial. How much discussion was involved? In my experience, chastity is one of those things that starts as a strong fantasy and quickly moves to a reality. Most of us not understanding the mental and emotional changes that are experienced as a result. I recommend starting with a discussion of expectations for yourself and for your wife, a period of time to trial devices and insure proper fit and also ease into the rush of new feelings you will experience. Your wife's experience will start slower in the beginning but, as you transition control to her, and become comfortable, the experience becomes more about her.

All relationships are an exercise in negotiation and compromise. An FLR relationship has added complexity due to conflict with cultural norms and our upbringing. Discussion should be a regular thing in all relationships (finances (where do we spend discretionary money), the dog is eating the furniture, You've had a lot of headaches lately). More so in FLR relationships, at least in the beginning, talks of emotions, feelings, expectations, problems, as well as what "food groups" she controls (Finances, Free Time, Household Chores, Life Directions, Sex). As to what is reasonable . . . You both have to be in agreement to move forward and again, there will be compromise. If you aren't comfortable with something . . . don't do it, and she has the same prerogative.

It doesn't need to take a lot of effort or time on her part. As I've said before, a well timed swat, a crotch grab, a whisper in your ear that she hears our lock jingle like the bell on a cat a couple times a day is all it takes to keep you primed. I think many of us get hung up on the fantasy of our chastity. Fantasy is generally not sustainable. Its hard for anyone to live up to a fantasy. Concentrate on the reality of it all. Are you committed to what you have agreed to?

For myself, I spent weeks test driving devices, adjusting fit. My wife was always checking in and was very much a part of the process. We had many dinners to discuss expectations, me educating her since I had spent time researching and reading about it, and drafting an agreement. When started to move forward and on the first day, BAM! I was emotionally derailed. She was going to spend the day with her sister and asked what my plans were. I told her my list. On her return I had completed all but one item . . . pull weeds. She had that look on her face of disappointment with a tinge of anger (you know that look, we all know it). She was in character, if you will, and I didn't realize it. Somewhere, we had miscommunication and what should have been a non issue, easily corrected, turned in to a moment of concern. We spoke about it the next day ad got back on track. The point being, activities like chastity or humiliation, or role play do have an emotional component that we never seem to honor enough. We'll spend weeks crafting the perfect verbiage for our agreement, less time negotiating, and literally no time easing into this new life we crave.

 

Two absolutely brilliant posts about moving from fantasy to reality. I really enjoyed both.

Regular communication is key to the success of this lifestyle. I was in an FLR without even realizing it since the day I started dating my Wife to be, I just hadn't heard the term. People used to joke about how I knew my place and how my Wife was in charge, those cultural 'norms' that we buck. The one key aspect of our successful relationship has been communication. Also a lack of interest from either of us in trying to have a normal marriage.

A key moment though in the success of making this lifestyle happen was when my Wife stopped me from overloading her with information. We talk about needs, desires, hopes, dreams and so on, but only on a Saturday. This is an example of what works for one couple is not a rule that has to be followed by everyone, you make your own rules. Another rule in our way of doing this is my Wife refuses to set dates for release or my orgasms, she wants to be spontaneous.

When it comes to expecting too much I do think this is more about the locked male moving to a place where they accept the lead of their keyholder. My Wife and I do now live this 24/7 but that is because it is always there in the background, and is referenced in everything we do. But (and I like big buts!) it doesn't actually take much effort from my Wife. A simple look here, a glancing touch there, a comment and a shared glance. Just occasionally she has me writhing on the bed, or collapsed in the shower, from overwhelming feelings of contained and exploited ecstasy.

Love, trust, communication and fun. These are the cornerstones to my absolute love for my Wife and how we are using my chastity to make our marriage stronger than ever before.

 

Fluffles, DK & Jasmic....

Three extremely well thought posts. So, so true. You guys REALLY drilled deep and brought out so many good points! I am right there with you.

allaboutHer