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Words that might form sentences, that might form thoughts..

Discussion in 'The Vault' started by ginageenagina, Jun 17, 2017.

  1. I feel like the minority here given my age and that I'm still single. That said, I'm necessarily looking to close that gap anytime soon. In fact I can't even imagine a woman gravitating toward me, being the sissy I am. We all have lives that deviate from our fetishes but I feel the spirit of what I am has become ingrained in all aspects of my life.

    Not to sound cliche but I know where I am in the sexual pecking order and there is no resentment or self pity, it's something that I have come to terms with. I date on and off but how could I possibly go into a relationship with me not being comfortable to tell this person about such a large part of who I am. It's not fair too me but more importantly not fair to them.

    Sometimes I rationalize it as a potential opportunity later in life built off of trust in the bedroom. Afterall, even with accepting the sissy side of me, my sexuality does not soley define me. I would like to think that even the sissy part of me has developed beyond just being horny at the time. I'm sure like many of you have. I have separated fantasy from reality. It's not fair to use any woman I may be interested in just to fulfill certain fetishes. On the other side of the coin. I couldn't see a relationship growing from mutual fetishes. It doesn't seem genuine to me.

    I'm in this sexual/social quagmire that when I'm alone with my thoughts I have no idea what to do. May god strike me down if I ever make a post demanding things to be done to me disguised as an offering of a LTR. I know there is some truth to it all. I whole-heartedly believe in FLRs and there are people "living the dream". The way I conceptualize FLRs is rather than it being about just lowering my place in the world, I feel it's more about celebrating the woman and the gender as a whole. As self proclaimed feminist, there are definitely times when I feel like I'm fetishizing a genuine movement but my intentions, I'd like to think, are authentic.

    Maybe it's just where I am right now. I'm the last who's still single and without children. That's not to say I even want children. I just hope I'll be able put things together and run with it.



    FULL DISCLOSURE: this post and all future posts will be a mish mosh of rambling that will most likely make no sense what so ever.
     
    SlightlyViolet likes this.
  2. Mistress B
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    Mistress B Mistress B
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    @ginageenagina@ginageenagina Oh my. Whatever you do, please don't let depression get at you. If you feel depressed for anything longer than 2 weeks, do seek medical help. I may have got the wrong end of the stick but your text does sound very very sad.
     
  3. I mean... uhh..I.. didn't think it was that obvious nor was it intentional.. i am kind of at a loss for words..
     
  4. When I was 13 I grabbed a big breasted early developed sister of my friend's boobs. I got a hard slap in the face for that which lasted all day. At night I masturbated to that scene and as I got older, it morphed into full blown extreme S&M with toilet slave games and painful stuff. I never thought that any of it could become real. I also have a very small penis and yet I have had sex with 30 women, one a model in town for a photoshoot and the best looking woman I ever had sex with. She was a sweater model so her breasts were on the largish size. Despite my small penis she had sex with me twice that night, once in the morning and again at noon before I drove her to the airport. I had learned to adapt and got really good with my tongue, not to mention women are more likely to accept anal from a guy with a small penis.

    I even found a woman who agreed to marry me after just 3 weeks. She is my wife of 44 years. What I did was to find a tiny woman. She is 4'11" and was 79 lbs. at the time. To her, my penis was big since she was a virgin and had not frame of reference in the pre internet days. I still lacked a BDSM partner so I taught my wife. She is too submissive to be a good Mistress. She is game but not into it and I need someone into it.

    What did I do? I married a tiny women whose best friend is the girl I grabbed the boobs of. That led to flirting with her and eventually I got my wife and her to join me in bed. It was so good that we were in a poly triad for 30 years of my marriage. She was a natural dominant with a chip on her shoulder about males. My wife turned out to be as bi as her girlfriend and so I had a Mistress for most of my marriage who enjoyed inflicting pain so much that she would sigh with pleasure at my moans of pain. At the end of a session her thighs were soaked with her lubrication. Nothing was off limits to her and she did most of the things you can do in a BDSM relationship, even the yucky stuff.

    Why am I saying all this? I had a reputation as a pervert. The first time my wife told a school chum that she married me the response was, "You married that pervert". I was into fetish play and poly at a very young age and was hosting teen sex parties at 14 when I had a 17 year old girlfriend who liked to teach me and dominate me. I thought that I never would marry and have a nice life. I was voted most likely to divorce first by my senior class because all of the girls I had sex with, just wanted sex and not to date. I attracted the bad girls in my area and some good girls who wanted to try being bad. Of of those good girls ended up as a crack addicted prostitute and then a stripper. That is what happens when you are too strict with your kids. At least that is what she said.

    So I never thought I would have a Mistress or a long lasting love. I ended up being a cuckold to a girlfriend and when I broke up with her after she gang banged me and my friends, I met my virgin wife and fell instantly in love with her. Since she was a virgin, my penis size was not an issue and later on, still not an issue due to how tight and small she was. Like you, I thought that the sex life and marriage I wanted was unrealistic and not attainable but I did what I needed to do to get it. I put myself out there and disgusted a lot of girls. I would have sex with a girl and if she was not sexually adventurous, I would never see her again which did not help my reputation. It was so bad that my wife and all of her friends knew about me and had seen my picture years before I met them. Yet, I ended up having sex with all of my wife's friends in a threesome with her. Her best friend was the last to join us since she was married but after her divorce I asked my wife to tell her she could live with us until things settle down. She became family even before we were sexual with each other.

    Nothing is beyond your grasp if you work hard to get it and ignore the ones who call you names. I even had sex with two gay male friends. I was not attracted to them sexually but I wanted the experience since I try everything sex related. The orgasms were good but my curiosity was satisfied. I have got most things I wanted from life because I do not care what anyone thinks of me. My wife and girlfriend were bi when even the gay/lesbian community did not recognize bisexuality as a valid sexual preference. To them and the world, my two women were labeled as lesbians still in the closet. That had very serious consequences in my time. So they hid it and repressed it until I brought it out in them. Later on my wife confessed that she was consumed with fantasizing only about sex with women and never men. She lived with that for years. She wasted a lot of time with her best friend because they are bi but hid it from each other. They were just inseparable friends with hidden sexual desire for each other. They were afraid to be who they were and that is a shame.

    I have been slapped and called a lot of names. My mother got a priest to visit me at home to set me on the road to heaven and he ended up warning me about excommunication when he left. So here I am having done almost every fetish in the book of fetishes, living most of my life with more than one woman, sometimes with four, two at home and two outside of home. It was a logistic nightmare but I managed. I was rejected by a lot of girls warned about me. I never was into vanilla sex having had two girlfriends walk me to school when I was just 11 and then going to the senior prom with an 18 year old girl when I was 14. She was kinky and few guys at that time were, except me. We had to leave early because the others at our table were not being nice about our relationship. Screw them, we had sex in our limo all night while they were trying to get their dates drunk enough to do so.

    If I were you I would move to a big city. I lived in NYC and no matter what you were into there were munches, clubs and ads for it. I also lived in other major cities and we always easily found the non vanilla people. I had a good friend for 11 years that was crossdresser, gay and lesbian friends and married friends into all sorts of open marriages. I moved around the country a lot to find what I needed. I was out three nights a week looking for girls to date and after the first time we had sex I would ease them into BDSM. I would not jump out dressed as you are in your picture but rather take baby steps. That worked for me and I was never without a girlfriend into BDSm since I was 14. I knew what I wanted and worked hard to get it. A simple blindfold turned into being tied up which led to spanking which led to whipping which led to wearing panties which led to wearing negligees and bras which led to using makeup which led to, well you get the idea. I figured out at an early age that it was much easier to find a girl who was sexually adventurous than a dominatrix. As long as they were willing to try things, it worked out for me. Then again I do have a Machiavellian personality as diagnosed by a Psychologist. That enables me to get women to do what I would like them to do just using words and figuring out their needs. Not one girl was against me wearing panties. They enjoyed it in fact. I no longer am interested in that as I been there, done that and have the used panties to prove it. :)

    There are woman out there for all of us no matter our sexual needs. My wife and our girlfriend never dreamed that they would be in a long term relationship with a guy who was more than OK with their bisexuality, since in our time, if you were not hetero you could be fired for moral reasons and odds were that friends and family would shun you. A guy would divorce his wife if she wanted sex with anyone, much less a woman. Heck, most guys thought performing oral sex on a woman was gay. There is more than one person out there for you. I used to live in a small town but a soon as I turned 18 I joined the Army and was on my own after that. I moved to big cities that had BDSM clubs. I read Hustler magazine the first raw and non vanilla sex magazine published by Larry Flint. The personals were filled with people looking for others into their thing. You could find just about anything. Then there were get togethers, called munchies for like minded people to meet over a drink or meal. Often you could dress as you liked as long as it was not nudity.

    I know this is long but I am 66 today and have done everything sexually that I could find. So when I read so many posts like yours from guys wanting someone that they cannot find, I want to let them know that you can find what you want if you are willing to do what it takes. These days a lot of guys just post and never leave their keyboard to meet people in the flesh. They are afraid of rejection and sometimes being called a pervert in bed when you suggest something to try. I got good at bringing women around slowly if need be or quickly if they were game for anything. I have often been the first guy to do anal with women and even use their breast to jerk me off with. It is amazing how many guys are just into intercourse and after they orgasm, sex is done. I used to perform oral on girls after I ejaculated on them and do analingus when no one else had ever done that to them. I tell you that most wanted it again and again.

    Put yourself out there and see who is interest or can be led down the path you want to follow. If you name something sexual, odds are that I did it, even being a cuckold and a bull. We did wife swapping, swinging and I had been to a few orgies when I lived with the richest guy in the region. I can talk most women into doing just about anything, even the yucky stuff. I guess it is a gift I have but I think it is more that I never threw too much at them at once and presented things as just a little more than what we were already doing. Good luck I and sincerely hope you find what you are looking for. I can say that life is so much better when you live it your way, sexually, personally and professionally. I have a small penis and do not have a college degree. I was good looking though and women were always attracted to me, at least when I did not have a ball gag in my mouth and weights hanging from my testicles. Despite all this, I lived with two women and am in the top 5% or income earners in the USA. All because I never went into anything putting myself down. I never thought there was something I could not do. I never apologized for my penis size with a girl because in the end, all they really wanted were great orgasms and I gave them that and more. Wish you the happiness I have had and sorry for the long post but I get passionate when I read about someone who thinks what they want is not within their grasps. It is and I have met guys into all sorts of things who found someone to play with them.
     
    Jamie's-Locked likes this.
  5. I should add that I was suffering from depression and PTSD when I returned from Vietnam. I would attack my wife in my sleep. The Army did not recognize it as a disease back then so I self medicated with illegal drugs and my wife joined in. Somehow I was able to have a successful career while smoking a joint or two after work and all day on the weekends. I took grass with me overseas to get to sleep when sleeping pills were not working. It mellowed me and allowed me to sleep and be level. Stopped my obsessive thinking too.

    I did that until I was 50 and had a great and rewarding career anyway. I spoke with my doctor who prescribed Wellbutrin which changed my life. No more getting through the day by telling myself I could also commit suicide if things got too bad. Here I was, one of the top two in my field worldwide with an IQ higher than 99.8% of the population making an income in the top 5% of the US and I was worrying about losing my job and having no one want to hire me. The AD medication fixed that and life has been very good since. I wake up happy every day and stay happy even if bad things happen. The Wellbutrin had side effects like increasing my libido, intensifying my orgasms and losing weight. I just put up with them. :)

    Now I wake up happy each day, have energy, lost weight and used to have very intensive muscle cramping orgasms. I no longer obsess over negative thoughts. All it took to change my life was to mention to my doctor that I thought I was depressed. He gave me a prescription for pills that same day and even though it can take up to 6 weeks to take effect, it took effect in about 4 weeks for me. So I add to my other post where I showed you how thinking you can do what you want and then doing what is necessary to get it, allows you to live the life you want to live. Now I add how to get to a place where you want to get out and do what it takes. When depressed I never went out and had no more ambition to do anything. At 66 I am ambitious and still feel that nothing is beyond my grasp. Take care of your mind and your other problems will be easier to take care of. You seem to be afraid of a relationship while I cannot live without one. Life is much better when you can share it with someone else. At least that is the way it is for me. I have lived with a woman or women since I was 19. Good luck and talk to your doctor or find one that specializes in your situation through your local LGBT organization. If you live in a small town, get out and move close to a big city where you can find someone into anything you want.
     
    Jamie's-Locked likes this.
  6. @Vinny@Vinny thank you for those the post. It was warm and heartfelt and the truth of the matter is there is untreated mental issues. At the moment they need to be swept underneath the rug. My focus and goals are disconnected. Everything about me is wrong and I feel like because of my years of feeling this way its become almost part of who I am.

    I feel like I throw myself pity parties just because there are emotional/mental upswings. The intent of this blog wasn't meant to rant about my feelings or make people feel sorry for me. I just wanted escape my own ailments and just post about what I enjoy and can't normally express.

    Also living in nyc I know there are clubs and maybe I'm going off the stigma that comes with them but clubs aren't my thing anymore.
     
  7. Also this probably sounds like a silly question but what do you mean you wake up happy? It doesn't make sense to me.
     
  8. My life has blown up twice now since my last post. One blow up worse than the other. I'm going to try not to go into an "I feel..." Blog post.
    I don't know why I'm posting here but I finally went to therapy. Its still unofficial but I was diagnosed with BPD, ADHD, severe depression with bouts of mania.

    Outside of the daily weight of worthlessness I feel that I'm wasting everyone's time and why would anyone want to get within speaking range of a loser like me.

    Whatever ...
     
  9. Oh @ginageenagina@ginageenagina, that sounds like a horrible feeling! I’m glad that you’ve sought out counseling and I hope you continue with it. I’ve known people who suffer from BPD and I know it’s a terrible illness. But please don’t give into those feelings of worthlessness. You absolutely deserve a happy life and to connect with someone who will value you and appreciate you for who you are. Do not give in to the idea that your desires/fetishes/needs make you unsuitable for a relationship. It will take honest communication and some hard work with the right person. But that’s true of every relationship. Keep your spirits up and know that you have a community of support here, however imperfect.
     
  10. I've got BPD and depression too. It's rough at times but I'm rebuilding myself through schema therapy with psychology and weaning myself off the heavy meds that I've been on that have zombified me. I know all about the mood swings and difficulty dealing with people and relationships. I wish you all the best Gina, you aren't worthless despite what your brain is telling you. Try to get as much help as you can in learning to live with the disorder.