Why doesn’t your Domme want sex with you?

Discussion in 'Chastity and orgasm denial' started by Miss Veronica, Jan 14, 2019.

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  1. your-caged-dog
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    your-caged-dog chastity its not a one way road.

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    think what chastity subs don't realise is, the longer they are in chastity, the more their Domme's sex drive is being killed off. I've being studying this for a few years and there is a very strong correlation. I'm being deadly serious here. It seems a lot of couples who do chastity seem to start off in a sexless relationship or end up in a sexless relationship. So, really when people boast about how many chastity days they've had/kept their sub in, they are really telling me how dead their sex life is.

    It is rare to find a chastity situation that actually increases sex drive for the female. I'm looking for them, because I can't believe I'm the only one. ;)[/QUOTE]

    hello veronica

    im reading your statements and im totaly agree with you! chastity has a big potential to kill the sex drive of a relationship. sex must be treated as a delicat good, and it has to be trained very counscious by both partners. I have encountered that lazyness often will kick in after time, and im just dont let it happen again. if I feel my partner gets lazy attitude , I announce it, and I even switch the role from sub to dom. I give a shit about roles and words about topping from bottom in such event.
    my girl keeps me in chastity when we are appart, usually 14days in between(we live a longdistance relationship) as soon we are together she unlockes me and we have very intense sex, even we switching roles, and I take her dominant.
    I would say to answer your question, yes there are chastity situations possible to increase her sex drive.
    the problem I encounter by reading this forums, chastity seems being treated like a religion. only one way is the right way.
    this idea of religion is in generall already a libido killer.
    why must people always stick to given roles?
    why not freestyle, and just enjoy every form of possible sex?
    I love this feeling after she removes my cage, and we fall over us like teenagers, untill all our libido energy has being used up. whats wrong falling tired a sleep after a O?
    I also love the words of her, "cage youself again."
    the cage is here to make me focussed on her, on me and to diszipline my self waiting by not masturbating on purpose, untill we are back together. (its possible to stimulate me in the cage untill I cum) so its all about my mind whether I cum or not. the diszipline starts in my own head.
     
  2. Locked in love
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    Locked in love Long term member

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    One of my favorite lines. It's right up there with this one:
     
  3. Cecilia B
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    Cecilia B Long term member

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    I am more a Disciplinarian than a Dominant.

    Chastity has 3 purposes in our relationship.

    First is security. It's why I introduced him to chastity in the 1st place. I knew him before he was my bf. He never had any trouble getting a woman. They still come on to him, even ones who know us. Now, in his right mind, he'd never betray me, but, get a few drinks in any guy and you don't know what'll happen. If there's a lock on his penis, noone can get to it. I am the Assistant Manager at a large hotel. The job sometimes makes me work nights, weekend and weekday. His job has day hours (unless it's an emergency and he's on call or a job he started in the day takes longer than they thought). If I have to work a weekend night, there's no reason he shouldn't get to go out. The cage gives me peace of mind because I know if he gets a few drinks in him, nothing will happen.

    Chastity became a way of controlling him watching pornography and masturbating. I never liked either one, even though he told me early on he liked both of them.

    The feminizing was something I discovered by accident, too. A pair of my panties was the first thing I used for "security". I figured if he got drunk and went home with someone, she'd pull of his pants, see my panties and kick him out. He didn't feel right in the bar with may panties on under his pants. I didn't know what to do for security, when my best friend told me about male chastity cages.

    He looked so cute in the panties anyhow, so I wanted to take it farther. That was when I discovered feminizing him made him more submissive.

    Chastity is also a way of disciplining him when he watches pornography of masturbates. If I find pornography on his computer, i assume he's masturbated.

    No, we aren't in a D/s relationship, not full time, anyhow., I become the Dominant when the lock goes click or I tell him I've found pornography on his computer and he's going to get a spanking session. Even then, I'm not the Dominant in every aspect of our life together. When he's in chastity or under discipline, he has to do some little things, like call me "Miss Cecilia" in private or if it can be done discreetly in public. It's his house, and he won't put the toilet seat back down, but, when he's in chastity or under discipline, he has to. He still makes most of the financial decisions.

    When he's not in chastity or under discipline, we are completely equal. Right now, we are on Holiday hiatus from all this. Usually, it runs from a little before Thanksgiving to the end of Jan., but, since we got married, I got pregnant and Mom came to live with us to help out with the baby, we had to come off hiatus because we both figured we had to tell her and she wanted to see. I made a deal with husband we'd extend Holiday hiatus to after Valentine's day.

    So the short answer is the purpose of chastity in our relationship is security and discipline. Corporal punishment and and feminization have disciplinary purposes. Feminization also has the purpose of making him more submissive.
     
  4. Blue Moon
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    Blue Moon Long term member

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    I’m kind of late to this thread, but my Beloved is 68 and found Her sex drive was noticeably fading about 7 years ago, so chastity became a more important facet of O/our lives then. O/our PIV last occurred in 2012 and orgasms had taken on the corresponding dates of Blue Moons. She very recently admitted having me inside Her at all was painful and it was never happening again. Her decision was, ‘That I will release you when I wish. Not for orgasms but just for supervised breaks. Unless you wart me and I’ll stop that.’ So, my last orgasm, which occurred this past Mar 31, was exactly that. It’s not exactly punishing as i find the unrelenting hunger definitely tops the explosive, but finite, power of orgasm and will now concentrate even more on O/our ‘Closer than Friends’ days when W/we spend the day personally providing spa services for each other. It’s like an all day sleepover minus the pillow fights. Sorry, the short answer was Her discomfort.
     
  5. Miss Veronica
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    Yeah... see THIS is what I want to hear. I like knowing that the hardcore stuff is done within a healthy relationship. This loving side of a degrading D/s relationship, unfortunately, is often not presented. Sometimes people just state the dark side of D/s and it paints a very obscure picture (especially for vanillas/nubes). I think this is one of the reasons to outsiders of the lifestyle are very wary of such.

    And what's more, I like it when people fight to present the quality of their relationship. That's what I want. ;)
     
  6. Miss Veronica
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    I understand. Over the years I've had so many husbands ask me how to make their wives become this way or that way. Firstly, I tell them she needs to want it her before she can change. The problem is, just doing it for her husband and not herself, she will never get the pleasure of being dominant. I think a lot of these husbands don't realise that as soon as they become the 'creator' of her dominance, they have become the head of the power exchange - kind of like topping from the bottom.
     
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  7. Miss Veronica
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    I am a female INTP... it's always truth over feelings for me, I can't help it, it's my nature. ;)

    Yes, and most of those things you mentioned are reliant on a woman's character. If a women lives in western society she has access to everything she needs to get help or get out of her situation to make her life better. The human spirit is amazing - it will change if it wants to change.
     
  8. Miss Veronica
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    Haha! This made me laugh out loud! I like that you're a Disciplinarian (I think it's actually sexy...lol.)

    Oh... you mean 'security' for you? lol.

    Hmmm... tough one. I've used cages for other things, but I've never used it to prevent a guy from getting jiggy with another girl. I refuse to get jealous...lol! I have never minded subs playing with others at clubs and parties because it doesn't mean anything. However, my puppy never just hooks up with any girl. He's got standards, damn it! So he only hooks up with girls he has a special connection with. Knowing that, if he does hook up with a girl it means he likes her. I would much rather it if he didn't have standards...lol.


    This seems to be the norm... Does him watching porn make you feel cheated on? (I watch porn regularly myself...lol.... but Im more like a dude. ;) My puppy and I sometimes share our porn links. It's fun to know what he's watching... and sometimes it's just too damn sugary-sweet ;) :)

    His best friend? 0.0...hahaha! Um... I'm am so interested in how you got to be confiding in your BF's bro?

    It actually sounds like a D/s relationship within a regular relationship (as opposed to a FLR) even though you don't see yourself as strictly a 'Domme'. And, it's only the start... ;)

    Yes! and really, I think feminisation is so sexy.

    Thanks x
     
  9. Miss Veronica
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    Thanks for the honesty. I always like it when couples come up with solutions to solve problems with sex. But, I'm curious as to why the option was to put you into chastity instead of opening up your marriage so you could have sex with others. If you were granted permission to do so then it's not cheating. So why chastity and not poly sex?
     
  10. Blue Moon
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    Blue Moon Long term member

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    Honestly, W/we were both once a bi swinger couple and had O/our share of mutual lovers. At this point in life, i realize i could find other outlets, but i need the emotional connection for ‘sex’ to mean much. And whether people admit it or not, chastity is still a sex life, just a different one. Hope that makes sense.
     
  11. Miss Veronica
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    Yes! This is sooo true. It's funny, it seems a lot of people think (especially Dommes) that locking their sub in chastity is preventing him from being sexual when in fact it creates even more focus on his sexuality. Haha! Having him in chastity, a device touching his cock and balls, every part of the day and night, making him sit to pee, being careful sitting and walking, is driving his sexuality even more. So, I think the reason why subs feel more attentive to their partner while in chastity is not because it has decreased their sexuality at all but increased it - their submissiveness comes as a primal reaction to do what their captor wants in hope they will be set free...lol.

    For me, I don't need to force my sub to be more attentive, he does that on his own accord because he values me. So, I use chastity and denial for fun and play - to tease and taunt his arousal to increase pleasure. ;)

    Just a question: would you prefer your current sex life to be another way - for example, that your partner's sex drive is through the roof and she uses you as a sex slave instead of a chastity sub?
     
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  12. L-u-c-y
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    Staff Member Owner of Chastity Mansion Administrator Verified Female

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    I don't think you understand the fundamental nature of the site. Men join because they want and enjoy being locked, they even beg their often unwilling wives to lock them.
     
  13. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    Regarding sex drive, our experience has been the opposite of that suggested. Putting PIV off the menu revived our sex life, not killed it.

    A huge % of women don't get off on penetration at all, or only rarely (perhaps in peak moments of emotion) thus - I assume - on an average week night when tired from work etc don't find it an attractive prospect, and don't have the energy to offer a hand job or other alternative. They thus start to head off all attempts at erotic intimacy because they know where it's going. Chastity changes that equation.

    Regarding the interesting question:

    Would you prefer your current sex life to be another way - for example, that your partner's sex drive is through the roof and she uses you as a sex slave instead of a chastity sub?​

    For many of us - me included - that's not a possibility (see above). Kink is intimacy through the only channel that works. If asked a few years ago, I would have said that I would have preferred a normal vigorous sex life, but that kink was a good substitute. Now... I'm fairly clear that sub is my orientation and that FLR is my optimum relationship mode.

    That leads to: what if instead of male chastity, we had lots and lots of PIV? Honestly, I have too many conflicting drives to have a clear answer to that one. My gut response is that it would be even better if we had lots of PIV, but actually I was using a strapon on her and still sealed in chastity.
     
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  14. Blue Moon
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    Blue Moon Long term member

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    Not a chance. The constant hunger & the infinite desire resulting from the promise of permanent denial is just too much to be overcome. It can’t be bested.
     
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  15. Miss Veronica
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    Haha! Yes, and this is providing that chastity doesn't kerb sexuality, but spurs it on. ;)
     
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  16. Miss Veronica
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    I wasn't questioning the nature of this site - I was asking a question to a man who explained that the driving factor to do chastity in his relationship was because his partner's 'sex drive was noticeably failing'. I was curious to know if he'd prefer to be able to have sex with her again (like they used to) or be in chastity.

    I don't believe all chastity is to prevent sexual relations, but is a device used to spur it on. That is way more exciting and what I am interested in - chastity to keep sexuality alive - it is very complex.
     
  17. Miss Veronica
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    Ah... religion...lol.
    I really want to go there (sadists can also be masochists) but... all I'll say is if people want to know what real life chastity is, it has nothing to do with caging - forced chastity is not chastity. But then again, no one into chastity practices forced chastity either as it's all consensual...lol. So what the hell are we playing at? lol.

    I find that just like submisisve and vanilla women, most KH wants sexual stuff just done to them. But, with my sub and I, our roles are truly reversed. I'm the one who lusts after him and acts upon him. It's never just about getting me off but I enjoy sucking on his nipples and licking his eyebrows and biting his ass. My pleasure is in devouring him. But, it's rare to read of Dommes or KH being sexual towards their chaste. I wonder why.
     
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  18. Miss Veronica
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    I understand what you are saying, a lot of it is true to everyday life, but I'm an idealist. I think women should educate and empower themselves...

    PIV is only one way to have sexual intimacy - vaginas are not the holy grail. I think sex ed has done a disservice by calling other sexual intimacies as just 'foreplay'. 'Foreplay' implies it's not actually the real stuff but just a warm up, and therefore not as good. That's bull. But, one of the reasons a lot of women don't want to do non-PIV sexual intimacy is because they have been taught that it's all supposed to lead to PIV.

    There needs to be a shift in thinking about sexual intimacy - that non-PIV sexual intimacy has 'stand alone value' as much as PIV. Also, that developing sex drive is not necessarily for PIV, but for the whole spectrum of sexual intimacy. A woman biting in a man's nipple and flicking her tongue against his nib can be a highly erotic sexual experience - pleasurable for both. It doesn't require any juices to flow, any heat, clit stimulation or leg spreading, nothing except her mouth action, and both can even keep their clothes on. She doesn't even need to be in the mood to do it... Such a small, simple act of sexual intimacy should have as much value as penetration. It's not the act itself, but the meaning/connection that is most important in sexual intimacy.

    However, it seems a lot women won't (don't have the energy or drive) to bite a man's nipple until they feel 'perfectly' sexually aroused (which, tongue-in-cheek, is usually when the planets have aligned). Hence, I think women should nurture their sex drive - which isn't just about making themselves horny, but developing a sensibility for sexual intimacy - for their own sakes - for their own pleasure – just like they should learn about and look after the other areas of their health - sleep, stress, fitness...
     
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  19. Kylara
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    Kylara Happy feminized sub owned by Mistress PHEBUSA

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    On my side my lady evolved from having bad PIV that she does not loves but does to avoid me going elsewhere and have a mistress to her deep loves of it.
    Since we began FLR and chastity my evolution has been from an arguing guy to a obediant one that takes cares a lot of her.
    Now she knows and feel secured that she can stops PIV when she wants and have no care of my own pleasure in it, I have to takes what she gaves. She has became a far more sensual woman and she loves PIV with all the conditions of her pleasure and the way of doing it the way she likes.

    Since I have less short PIV and more very long one that she requests, she even love to fall asleep or near asleap with me acting. of course I have nothing to say and I have to obey. I feel like a sex toy and I love it a lot.
     
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  20. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    I think what you're saying is that eroticism should be mutual? I certainly agree in vanilla relationships. However, I think some people personality-wise just aren't suited for "normal" intimacy, which is why so many bedrooms end up dead in the long term: the novelty fades and as people become more emotionally secure, they slowly drift back to their default. It's possible this is true of most humans.

    BDSM is just intimacy through other channels. In a BDSM relationship I think it's entirely acceptable and perhaps desirable for pleasure to flow one way, and pain the other. For example, I like having my nipples flicked, sure, but nipple clamps and a beating in the context of six months chastity while my mistress becomes visible aroused seems pretty intimate to me.

    I too am an idealist! I hold that a lot of couples would be happier if they embraced real power exchange, if only in the bedroom.
     
  21. Miss Veronica
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    Hm... this has stirred up a lot of general reflections for me. I've been reading a lot of accounts on here and I've gathered some thoughts:

    It makes me wonder why KH thought they weren't 'empowered' before chastity. Why they thought they couldn't make requests or have sex the way they wanted to before. What is going on? I fail to understand women like this, especially if they live in the western world and free of religion.

    All clues from men having an attitude change because of chastity seems more to do with a constant state of arousal than abstinence. Keeping a man sexual makes him more compliant and attentive. Men who like chastity are actually sexual masochists - they enjoy the pain of never being released - sexually and physically. But... Why did it have to take chastity before these men encouraged their partner to have the sex she wants? Every non-chaste man I've ever been with has always wanted me to have the sex I wanted - I didn't need them locked up to get it. Though, I'm not submissive and I'm a driver of sexual activity.

    The interesting thing about KH’s though is that they still expect their chaste to be the actor of sex - the chaste is made to act upon them by oral or PIV. I’ve only read a couple accounts so far where KH have given BJs or CP, but never of pegging or queening or fisting or other actions that require them to be the driver of the sexual activity. (It can be debated whether or not feminisation is a sexual act.) So, KH certainly don’t have to be dominant, and the chaste don’t have to be submissive, which creates a topping from the bottom dynamic, and it seems in a lot of non-kinky relationships, this is the case.
     
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  22. Giles_English
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    Giles_English Chaste slave

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    You raise some fascinating issues!

    KH's are empowered by chastity because what the KH's generally want would be unreasonable in a vanilla relationship, even under the modern liberal ideas of sexuality. Him wearing a device is a very tangible way of committing to what she wants, and affirming that it really is OK. Chastity relationships are an exploration for both partners.

    Yes, most of us males are masochists (though masochism is complicated and less duplicitous than you make it sound.)

    What you may be missing is that many KH's are actually sadists, though not many of them take ownership of it. Having him drive the kink absolves her of admitting to dark urges. This is certainly true of my wife, who threw off the mantle of nicessness only a few years ago.

    In a service dynamic - which is what most of us have as a baseline - the dominant partner is often physically passive.

    By way of illustration, imagine a scene in Ancient Rome where some women - mostly widows - genuinely owned male sex slaves, some of them kept chaste....

    Is your slave's prick the only true one?
    --Martial (Roman poet)

    Martial also gives a hint that even in mixed baths there could be "women's recesses" (7.35.7: feminei recessus) of uncertain function
    --Fagan “Bathing in Public in the Roman World​

    For men, there is both a large fibula (like a modern safety pin), that pierces the foreskin and covers the penis, and a theca, a metal pouch, or leather bag (aluta) that encloses the genitals
    ---Younger “Sex in the Ancient World”​

    So, here's a famous image from Pompeii:
    Pompeii-oral_fixed.jpg

    He's dressed and clearly "not getting any" and he's on his knees. She's on a couch, naked, and enjoying oral sex. She's completely passive, but utterly in charge - look at her head posture.

    Tell me she's not dominant in that relationship!
     
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  23. Kylara
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    Kylara Happy feminized sub owned by Mistress PHEBUSA

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    On my side my whife was doing sex to please and keep me. also she read in magazine, life and women literature that she as to. If sex was bad for her she was the responsible by badly performing and not using sexy enough things like lingery and accessories to please her husband.

    Then in the 2010's modern feminism arrive, #Meetoo also. It changes all. it was not her fault by maybe mine. She found the courage to tell me (breaking years of certitudes) and changing my mind. She found that sex was nice in her way. I agree to do it her way and as I was reading kink things I found FLR and Chastity. I began it as a sex game at first then she does not turn back to what she earned even if she dare not going thurther.
    I ask her to reply to you, she will this evening if she found time. She is not a lot a forum Lady.
     
  24. Tom Allen
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    Tom Allen Member

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    If your research is reading posts on chastity forums, you're going to get a self-selecting sample, which may skew your perception. Also, most of your information about the women are filtered through the husbands/partners writing for them, which may not present the truest picture.

    BTW, my wife - who does not identify as kinky - told me that the appeal in locking me up was the knowledge that she had 100% control over our sex life. She used to feel guilty if I gave her some (to me) friendly groping while she was cooking dinner, passing the hallway, etc. She believed that if she returned the affection that it would immediately lead to my wanting to have sex; even if she refused, she would feel guilty or wonder if I would be upset. With my tonker in a cage, though, she felt confident that she could pause for a kiss, or enjoy a few moments of my groping, and not have it continue. Additionally, she was also confident that her refusal would not lead to my sulking (it did not, but that's another story), but instead, would continue to fuel my desire.
     
    Kylara, Love&Passion, cshorts and 2 others like this.
  25. cshorts
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    cshorts Locked in love for SL

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    I think this may be very much what my wife is discovering about herself (we're only 4 months into chastity, and she's very vanilla). She hasn't articulated it -- she's just gradually getting comfortable tslking about this new direction in our relationship -- but this describes very well our day to day dynamic, and it makes a lot of sense to me.
     
    Love&Passion likes this.
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