1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

why do we like being caged?

Discussion in 'Other fetishes' started by rebeccacd404, Sep 30, 2017.

  1. rebeccacd404
    Offline

    rebeccacd404 2018 is going to be a year of chastity and denial!

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2017
    Messages:
    397
    Likes Received:
    449
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Occupation:
    Distribution
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    uk
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    I am a relative new comer to this lifestyle but I am trying to understand why I like it. I know the excuse I used (to stop my chronic masturbation) but it's not just that...I actually enjoy being caged, restricted, in discomfort....but why?I don't have a kh and since I have removed my device, to let my balls recover from the soreness, I have no desire to masturbate....job done then...but no I want to put it back on. I have seen some of the really short metal devices and I want to try them...can someone explain where this desire or fetish comes from?
    on a slightly different point..do women like to be in chastity like we do???
     
  2. Submissive_Michelle
    Offline

    Submissive_Michelle Good Sissies wear Skirts and high heels

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2014
    Messages:
    696
    Likes Received:
    1,514
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Occupation:
    House sissy
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    LONDON
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    An interesting and philosophical perspective. Speaking from my own experiences I have long had a desire to participate in enforced chastity as a form of self denial of pleasure for the purpose of mental frustration and enforced orgasm denial. Adding a keyholder intensifies this and also the desire to belong to someone. Masturbation is such a strong desire for sexual relief and denying this release pathway when sexually excited adds to the mental tension and submission to another.
    As I have expressed earlier I also have a desire to dress in womens clothes and this too mentally and sexually excites, so when practised in conjunction with enforced chastity the sub experiences intense sexual frustration as they would have previously masturbated however being denied is exciting and stimulating mentally and for some is more pleasurable to be kept in a heightened state of continual arousal than a 3 min masturbation followed by the low after orgasm.
    To conclude I guess the brain produces endorphins when excited in this way by enforced chastity denial. Its a mind game I would say that is more rewarding than a brief ejaculation. Therefore I opt to be kept dressed as a woman to increase my sexual frustration and to show submission of my masculinity when I have no access to a penis.

    Mitch
     
  3. Submissive_Michelle
    Offline

    Submissive_Michelle Good Sissies wear Skirts and high heels

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2014
    Messages:
    696
    Likes Received:
    1,514
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Occupation:
    House sissy
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    LONDON
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    Shorter cage the better however then mental reward is enhanced if you really cannot escape from your chastity cage. This is difficult to achieve without serious investigation of methods to make your chastity real. As most if not all cages without a PA penis inside can be defeated. Read a few threads where I describe how we have addressed this concern to make my chastity real.

    Mitch
     
  4. Submissive_Michelle
    Offline

    Submissive_Michelle Good Sissies wear Skirts and high heels

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2014
    Messages:
    696
    Likes Received:
    1,514
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Occupation:
    House sissy
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    LONDON
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    My Mistress likes to see the subs chaste penis the same size as their testicals, she calls it her 'Pawn'ed symbol or 'Porn' shop sign ;-) you know the three balls they hang outside the 'Pawn shops' she is implying that my chastity is in fact the result of having effectively 'Pawned' my penis into her ownership. ;-)
    The other benefit of this design of cage is that it is very comfortable and very secure as you cannot get your penis back in if you ever managed to pull it out. Therefore chastity in this little cage is real for me.
    Mitch
     

    Attached Files:

    anasyrma, Keuschling and Dr MBogo like this.
  5. Jamie's-Locked
    Offline

    Jamie's-Locked Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2016
    Messages:
    187
    Likes Received:
    126
    Trophy Points:
    53
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Memphis TN
    Local Time:
    11:27 PM
    Well phrased Michelle. I love your explanation and it matches my situation as well concerning the "Why" I want to be locked. I haven't been unlocked more than 24 hours in more than a year and a half even when Ms K/H gives me the key. If I'm out more than 8 hours, I miss being locked and find myself locking back up and ready to surrender the key.
    Part of it could be a willing submissiveness when you're an alpha personality in necessary life or in a high stress situation in necessary life/work and hate it. It's a surrender/relaxation sort of thing for me as well.
    Make no mistake, the urge for an orgasm is certainly there. I want one. I crave an orgasm. However, as Submissive_Michelle explained, the added tension/anxiety/craving adds to my situation when I'm denied the release. In my case it's a keep me from doing what I want to do sort of situation as well.
     
    Submissive_Michelle likes this.
  6. rebeccacd404
    Offline

    rebeccacd404 2018 is going to be a year of chastity and denial!

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2017
    Messages:
    397
    Likes Received:
    449
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Occupation:
    Distribution
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    uk
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    Your little cocklette looks so pretty!
     
    Keuschling likes this.
  7. rebeccacd404
    Offline

    rebeccacd404 2018 is going to be a year of chastity and denial!

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2017
    Messages:
    397
    Likes Received:
    449
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Occupation:
    Distribution
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    uk
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    doesn'
    t such a small device hurt a lot when you become aroused?
     
  8. Dr MBogo
    Offline

    Dr MBogo You heard the lady! In you go.....

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2017
    Messages:
    208
    Likes Received:
    305
    Trophy Points:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    11:27 PM
    . Michelle-I love the look of your balls. So prominently displayed, particularly in contrast to the short-caged cock! I admit I'm not really into feminization, but I did break down and order a short cage similar to this. Hope I can get that look. I know my wife/KH would love it, too. Do you do anything special? Any trick to it?
     
  9. Dr MBogo
    Offline

    Dr MBogo You heard the lady! In you go.....

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2017
    Messages:
    208
    Likes Received:
    305
    Trophy Points:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    11:27 PM
    I like to say that my wife/KH finally "took possession" of her legal property, because we were married for many years before getting into chastity. No "pawning" to it, she just took what was rightfully hers.
     
  10. SaraLovesChastity
    Offline

    SaraLovesChastity Collared Chastity Slave

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2017
    Messages:
    343
    Likes Received:
    447
    Trophy Points:
    73
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Slave & servicegirl
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    San Francisco, Ca
    Local Time:
    9:27 PM
    For me, chastity fulfils a requirement regarding control, subservience and obedience. This became more prominent for me after transition, as having 'pre-op' genitalia frequently is dismissed as problematic within some segments of the community at large. Submitting to a chastity regimen represents that I have come full circle with respect to my transition, acceptance of my 'original plumbing' and the need for submission. I am thankful that I have a partner that understands this, welcomes it and is excited by all of it.

    And, I am in accord with Dr MBogo, my Keyholder, PrincessK has merely taken possession of her legal property. I enjoy being routinely reminded of this.
     
  11. Dr MBogo
    Offline

    Dr MBogo You heard the lady! In you go.....

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2017
    Messages:
    208
    Likes Received:
    305
    Trophy Points:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    11:27 PM
    There are as many different reasons to enjoy being locked as there are individuals. My wife/KH and I just enjoy knowing that she controls my cock and my sex life. We started just a few months ago after being married for many years. Sex had become boring, unsatisfying and infrequent. I happened on an online discussion of male chastity and showed it to her. She reluctantly said yes, and I got a CB6000, locked up and handed her the key.

    That simple act (handing over the key) made an enormous difference in our relationship. We are much closer and intimate more often. We actually have PIV more often now, because her libido has increased so much. I pleasure her orally and/or by hand and/or vibrator almost every night, and she unlocks me once a week or so for PIV. She's usually more anxious to unlock me and get my cock inside her than I am! It's also made me more devoted and submissive to her, although that wasn't really our intention. We have no interest in feminization, other bondage, humiliation, etc, but we don't criticize anyone who wants to do that. No one beyond the two of us has any idea that we participate in this fetish/kink/whatever you want to call it. I go to work everyday(although I can't wear it to work, for reasons I can't go into) and we got out together regularly. We are completely vanilla by all appearances. I lock up every evening when I get home and she unlocks me when I get up in the m morning. On weekends, I come home early on Friday afternoon to put my cage on, and stay locked until Monday morning.

    Since beginning, she's gotten much more enthusiastic. She (without telling me) ordered a belt-type device which I am wearing now, and which is much more comfortable than the CB6000. Just a couple of days ago, we together ordered a short-cage metal device, because the belt is leather and VERY warm/sweaty/hard to clean, and because she liked the idea of my cock being small enough to fit the cage. (She's always thinking of me like that, LOL) We went shopping together for pink panties which I will wear under my regular clothes for "Locktober." As you can probably tell, we love the whole idea of chastity.

    Hope that helps explain why. Good luck
     
    Keuschling and rebeccacd404 like this.
  12. Submissive_Michelle
    Offline

    Submissive_Michelle Good Sissies wear Skirts and high heels

    Joined:
    Oct 7, 2014
    Messages:
    696
    Likes Received:
    1,514
    Trophy Points:
    123
    Occupation:
    House sissy
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    LONDON
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    I have at times a high stress job and as such I find release in submission and my Cross Dressing fetish reduces my masculinity to match the impotence that being kept in enforced chastity ensures. Chastity and orgasm denial controlled by another is what I find relaxes me. Again it is a mind game that I like. After all pleasure is in the mind.

    Mitch
     
    Keuschling and gary170 like this.
  13. rebeccacd404
    Offline

    rebeccacd404 2018 is going to be a year of chastity and denial!

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2017
    Messages:
    397
    Likes Received:
    449
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Occupation:
    Distribution
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    uk
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    Thank you for the reply, it is really nice to hear happy accounts of the Chastity lifestyle, you appear t have found the right balance.
     
    b2please likes this.
  14. rebeccacd404
    Offline

    rebeccacd404 2018 is going to be a year of chastity and denial!

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2017
    Messages:
    397
    Likes Received:
    449
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Occupation:
    Distribution
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    uk
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    You really have the beat of both worlds, are you going to fully trans or keep your male bits. I have been dressing for a long time and left it too late to "change", but I have debated with myself just how far I would go if I had my time again. I would love to have soft hairless skin, ling hair, breasts...but not too big....a female figure but although I would remove my testicles I would keep my cocklette. But then again if I were a true trans I would want to fully change....I have perhaps just learned something about myself....but personally I find a situation where a gurl looks like a gurl but still has a penis is so sexy and Loos perfect.
     
  15. SaraLovesChastity
    Offline

    SaraLovesChastity Collared Chastity Slave

    Joined:
    Aug 4, 2017
    Messages:
    343
    Likes Received:
    447
    Trophy Points:
    73
    Gender:
    Female
    Occupation:
    Slave & servicegirl
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    San Francisco, Ca
    Local Time:
    9:27 PM
    Hi Rebecca. Thank you for your response. My position regarding the final step has waxed and waned. I have always harbored concerns about surgery complications and the lengthy recovery time. More importantly, I've been quite satisfied with the results that HRT has produced. As I've always had a thing for chastity, I'm at a point in my life where I can reconcile all of this without taking unnecessary steps.

    It's a good place to be!
     
  16. jemima
    Offline

    jemima maid for my Mistress

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2011
    Messages:
    4,842
    Likes Received:
    4,180
    Trophy Points:
    153
    Occupation:
    Maid
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    West Midlands. UK.
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    i don't know really why I like being cage but i do. i like Mistress telling me what to do.
     
    Jamie's-Locked likes this.
  17. b2please
    Offline

    b2please A fun and powerful game!

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2009
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    66
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Atlanta
    Local Time:
    11:27 PM
    I have a few theories why I enjoy being locked in chastity so much.

    First, My wife and I don't seem to have many of the often cited reasons to "justify" chastity: (bad sex life, excessive masturbation, affair, porn problem, staying out drinking, not paying wife enough sexual attention, etc.) This can actually be a "problem" for me, as I have often had trouble finding big advantages of chastity to her- to justify her taking the trouble to "manage" chastity. So, we just try to make it fun, and I initiate often.

    After many years, our sex life has remained frequent and exciting. I suspect my natural kink interests and my love to experiment sexually and her open-mindedness have helped our sex life stay good. And since I've always known I prefer to be submissive sexually, I've always tended to satisfy her first, and for as long as she wants, and learned a long time ago I prefer to have lots of nice feelings over a long time (an hour?) rather than come and have 3 seconds of wild feelings. (I definitely enjoy tease & denial).

    So why do I love being in chastity?
    1. Enjoy being sexually submissive: I think a lot of it ties into my being authentically submissive, especially in bed, and I find it really hot! So chastity is a very dramatic and tangible way of expressing and experiencing that. It feels exciting and real for me. It is frustrating, taboo, and feels very authentic for me.

    2. Society gender roles are too rigid for me. In many ways society tries to push us into a clear male- female binary. I am very happy being male, and love many adventurous and exciting activities that many "typical males" are attracted to (and fewer females, for some reason). Yet, in business I have a lot of strengths that many associate with typical feminine characteristics: Like facilitating complex discussions, and getting full participation from a group, and encouraging lots of creativity and delaying the tendency to "Just make a decision fast and get to action". I am gentle and sensitive. Anyway, I hate being pushed / forced into a super "Male" gender binary. So being in chastity or wearing some feminine stuff makes me feel more authentic and "non-conforming".

    I notice a lot of posters saying they have "alpha male traits". Are they trying to reassure himself that they conform to some gender binary? But they want to offset that or balance that? If you ARE "performing/ acting" like an alpha male and really are not that, then it seems you would have some balancing to do! Maybe like some super macho movie drill sergeant who is acting out to prove he's so "super male" but turns out he's trying to hide the fact that he's gay. NOTHING wrong with being gay!! But if we try to hide who we are, that must be stressful!.

    Back to me: I don't think I have many "alpha male personality traits", nor do I act that way. I just try to be authentic, be useful, be respectable, be kind, etc..........

    3. Kink and BDSM: I am not saying any of your are kinky or not! But I know I am. I have always loved bondage. I find it fun and fascinating. Later I discovered how fun Dominance & Submission play can be with my wife. When we married I knew we were a bit different in that we both felt we should always be "totally equal" in all respects in our marriage. Years later I realized I was very attracted to her strength/ dominance/ stubbornness?, and often enjoyed her to be in charge. I didn't know I wanted that at the beginning. Anyway, D/S play has been very fun, and finally S&M became an interesting spice to emphasize the D/ S & bondage. Finally, CHASTITY! Talk about bondage!! It's putting one of your most sensitive parts into bondage for as long as you want, even in public, even while doing chores or exercising. So for me it dovetails into my life-long enjoyment of bondage. And clearly it can support any interest in Dominance & submission also.

    Sorry for a long post, but I find chastity supports, fulfills, or dramatises my enjoyment and interest of these things.
     

    Attached Files:

  18. rebeccacd404
    Offline

    rebeccacd404 2018 is going to be a year of chastity and denial!

    Joined:
    Sep 20, 2017
    Messages:
    397
    Likes Received:
    449
    Trophy Points:
    63
    Occupation:
    Distribution
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    uk
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    great response, its amazing just how different we all are.
     
  19. Penney
    Offline

    Penney Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2017
    Messages:
    261
    Likes Received:
    461
    Trophy Points:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Midwest
    Local Time:
    11:27 PM
    My wife and I were at the gynecologist earlier in the week. One of the questions on the form had to do with sexual relations. My wife must have left it blank as we don't have PIV sex. So the doctor asked her about it, as I sat there locked in my cage. My wife's answer was well, no. Then the doctor asked, "this is your husband?" I twitched in my cage. I'm not sure what the doctor was thinking or imagined, but I didn't feel like we didn't have sex.

    As Rebeccacd said, "we are all different," in our reasons for liking to be caged, and I feel like I get lots of sex even though I'm kept locked in a cage. It just isn't the garden variety PIV.
     
    Keuschling likes this.
  20. chasteta
    Offline

    chasteta Active Member

    Joined:
    Aug 23, 2017
    Messages:
    134
    Likes Received:
    105
    Trophy Points:
    43
    Gender:
    Male
    Local Time:
    9:27 PM
    A big reason for me is genuinely masturbation prevention. When I masturbate I satisfy myself sexually without my girlfriend/keyholder. And it makes me lose interest in having any sort of sex with her, even if she just wants me to help her get off. We've been together a long time and have always been very very honest with each other. I have been honest here as well and told her that if I'm not caged during unsupervised time, I will eventually masturbate. Now I could get off in my cage with the vibrator but it's enough of a deterrent to really make me think twice. It reminds me that my cock is not for my own pleasure. If she wishes to allow me an orgasm it will be because it pleases her as well. Contrast with being uncaged where I can basically rub one out without thinking twice, even if I do regret it afterward. It's nice not to have to deal with the guilt of masturbating when I should be having sex with my beautiful girlfriend.

    Otherwise I am a switch in bed but lean toward sub. My KH is the same but leans more heavily toward being a Domme. I've been very into femdom since I was a teenager. All this combined makes for a relationship dynamic in which she's in charge 99.9% of the time. I have dominated her in the past but haven't for maybe a year or so now. Chastity really reinforces the sub dynamic for me. I like the mind games, the mentality, and all the benefits that come with it.
     
    SaraLovesChastity likes this.
  21. Allen1987
    Offline

    Allen1987 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2017
    Messages:
    421
    Likes Received:
    674
    Trophy Points:
    103
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Machinist
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Massachusetts USA
    Local Time:
    12:27 AM
    I wear a full belt that I find comfortable. When serving becoming excited is normal, if you are not dead. As SaraLovesChastity said, it shows the submission that I
    feel. She likes that fact that she never has to think about having to go all the way. She can enjoy anything she wants at any time. As for me I get my pleasure from
    the pleasure I give her. I love to wait for the time that she really wants what I can give her. Till then locked up and ready to serve.
     
  22. Submissedtoher
    Offline

    Submissedtoher New Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2014
    Messages:
    29
    Likes Received:
    17
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    New England
    Local Time:
    12:27 AM
    I take much more pleasure in doing everything I can do satisfy my mistress over a selfish lone orgasm. It feels good to be locked, prince albert lock in place knowing I'm helpless, and when she teases me my whole body quivers. It also goes very well with all of the other restraints I'm usually in as we are heavily into BDSM/ rubber and leather bondage. It lets me focus 100% on her.
     
  23. DonnaSue
    Offline

    DonnaSue Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2015
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    1,456
    Trophy Points:
    143
    Gender:
    Male
    Occupation:
    Retired
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Southeast US
    Local Time:
    11:27 PM
    After years doing chastity on the "honor System", Mistress ordered the cage to prevent my wanking habit. Now, I am only caged while She is at work and away from me, but, at those times, I find myself wishing to be caged. I can't explain it either, except that it seems to be part of my feminization. When caged, it seems that my penis is not a part of my person and I get to feel much more feminine!
     
    Penney likes this.
  24. Penney
    Offline

    Penney Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2017
    Messages:
    261
    Likes Received:
    461
    Trophy Points:
    73
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    Midwest
    Local Time:
    11:27 PM
    I too like aspects of feminization that comes with a cage. I don't have a penis anymore; only a useless tiny thing that hangs between my legs. I have to sit to pee, no option. As I do, I see the panties that I'm wearing there between my knees, and often with a pad so I don't spoil my panties.
     
  25. nomorecums4u
    Offline

    nomorecums4u New Member

    Joined:
    Nov 12, 2017
    Messages:
    26
    Likes Received:
    1
    Trophy Points:
    3
    Gender:
    Male
    Location: (Country, Region - and perhaps even City?):
    UK, Cornwall
    Local Time:
    5:27 AM
    Maybe this will help.


    "Humiliation play," sometimes also called "erotic embarrassment," is a powerful but often misunderstood aspect of BDSM play, and one I receive more questions about than any other single type of BDSM activity. Put most simply, it's any kind of activity in which one person says or does something that causes feelings of embarrassment, shame, or humiliation in the other. This can be something as simple as "dirty talk," for example by using terms like "slut" or "whore" to refer to your partner, or it can be as complex as creating situations that are embarrassing to your partner, like exposing him or her nude in front of others or walking him or her around on a leash.

    Because different people have different emotional triggers, the range of activities involved in humiliation play is huge, and what one person finds embarrassing another person might not react at all to. For example, some people find it very embarrassing to be naked in front of others; some people don't. What's humiliating for one person might not cause any reaction in another; humiliation play is about the feelings it produces, not the activities themselves.

    But why would you want to make someone feel that way?

    I've spent a lot of time thinking about that. Humiliation play is something that's relatively uncommon even among folks who are otherwise quite enthusiastic about BDSM; it's important to understand that this is not something that everyone who likes BDSM does.

    The appeal of humiliation is very difficult to explain to people who don't understand it. It seems to be one of those things that either you get it or you don't, and if you don't, it's just degrading and objectifying and awful. Certainly I've known plenty of people who have a strong quick response to humiliation. Many of my partners have (and do) enjoy humiliation play, for many different reasons.

    For some people, humiliation and shame provoke a very visceral response; under the right circumstances and with the right people, there is an immediate sexual arousal attached to it. It's always dangerous to try to attach a "why" to someone's turn-ons, but one possible explanation is that we grow up in a society with a strong Puritanical streak that teaches that sexuality is something shameful. A lot of people go through periods of intense shame during puberty...especially if they grow up in repressive or sex-negative environments (Catholic schools, I'm looking at you here). It starts off with feelings of arousal and sexuality provoking responces of shame and guilt, and those two emotional experiences become linked, so eventually feelings of shame become coupled with feelings of arousal.

    For other people, it seems to be the powerlessness and the sense of helplessness or objectification associated with many types of humiliation play that really do it. I can understand this; on some visceral, irrational level, which has nothing I can see to do with anything in my past or any of my experiences, powerlessness (and, conversely, control) crank my motor. It's not associated with any kind of trauma while I was growing up; it has nothing to do with any past event, or with trying to work through problems in childhood; for whatever reason, a strong psychological control dynamic just gets me off. It's a purely irrational thing that in some ways is like what I imagine having a foot fetish or a crossdressing fetish to be like; something that makes no sense to a person who doesn't have it, something that has no logical reason; simply a quirk in the wiring or whatever that makes this particular stimulus really, really arousing.

    Don't you have to have some kind of abuse or trauma to think that humiliation is a turn-on?

    For some people, maybe. I have talked to a few people for whom various types of BDSM, including humiliation play, is a direct response to some specific form of trauma. I've known people who explore BDSM as a way to get through or to gain power over some event or some part of their lives that was harmful or damaging--and I think there are both healthy and unhealthy ways that people do this. (There's a term that's used in the psychiatric community for the act of processing damaging or traumatic experiences in ways that actually deepen and reinforce the trauma, with the belief that they are working through it when in fact they're making it worse.) But as with any other form of BDSM, it's certainly not true that only people who have past trauma of some kind will enjoy it. In fact, I'm actually quite skeptical about using BDSM to deal with trauma; I think it's just as likely to make things worse.

    Why on earth would you even WANT to degrade someone you love? Isn't that kind of sick? Who would get pleasure from being degraded or made to feel worthless?

    It's not about being made to feel degraded or worthless. There is a difference between activities which are humiliating and activities which are degrading.

    The two may seem similar, at least superficially, but they're not quite the same. Humiliation play is still play; it's done because you and your partner enjoy it. It isn't real. For example, if I call my partner a "slut," it's because she likes the feeling of being a sexual person, and the term "slut" has emotional associations with someone who is highly sexual. Those emotional associations can, in the right context, be a powerful turn-on. But it works because it isn't real. She knows that I have a tremendous amount of respect for her, and when I use the word, it's not because I feel that she is worthless as a person. She knows that I'm using the word because it turns her on, not because I don't think she deserves respect.

    Humiliation play is probably not a good choice for people who do not have a strong sense of self and a positive self-esteem. If a person internalises the word "slut" and it makes that person think less of herself, or if a person feels like he she is really worth less as a human being if his her partner puts him her on a leash, then humiliation play probably isn't a good choice.

    Think of it as a form of playacting. The emotional response of embarrassment or shame is real, but it isn't internalised. It isn't degraded, and the people involved are not trying to make each other feel worthless. I know many people who love humiliation play in various forms, and I'm one of them. But all the people I know who enjoy it have a cast-iron sense of self and rock-solid self esteem; the humiliation play does not affect their self-esteem for real.

    What's the point of it, though? Even if it doesn't affect your sense of self, why do it?

    The simple reason is "why do anything?" Because it's fun; because the emotion can be a big turn-on. Any kind of strong emotional response can get you going sexually; that's why so many people love having sex after they have an argument. Human beings are emotionally complex, and any strong emotion in the right situation can get turned into sexual arousal. Strong emotions often make sex more intense, and intensity is fun!

    But there's more to it than that. For me, the real appeal of humiliation play is as a vehicle for emotional intimacy.

    When I am engaging in some kind of erotic scenario built around humiliation or shame, from either side but most especially from the receiving side, it exposes her his emotionally to her his partner in a way that nothing else she he had experienced . It strips away any emotional defence mechanisms she may have and lowers all of her emotional boundaries. The person you see when you see her is one that is in context to her, undefended, completely exposed. As a tool for emotional intimacy, it can't be beat; there's no bullshit, no filtering any of my responses; what you see is what she he is, completely unfiltered.

    I'm a big fan of emotional intimacy; I like to learn who my partners are, and I like my partners to see who I am.

    For that reason, I can't do humiliation play with a casual partner, or with a person I'm not in an intimate, stable, long-term relationship with. I use it precisely because the emotional vulnerability creates a vehicle for intimacy; for me, it's that, not the orgasm, that really matters. The fact that it gets me off is what makes me able to do it in the first place, because no doubt about it, that kind of vulnerability and emotional exposure can be pretty scary. The sexual aspect makes it fun, and puts it in a context where it's safe and supportive. Like I said before, I would not engage in humiliation play, giving or receiving, with any partner I did not trust and respect.

    Another nice aspect about humiliation play is that it can make being a sexual person OK. We're often taught that sex is dirty and shameful, and that people who enjoy sex and embrace their sexual side are bad, dirty, disgusting people. That's why words like "slut" are used as insults.

    But when you're having sex with someone, then enjoying sex and embracing your sexuality are good things. Sometimes, embracing words like "slut" are a way to do that; you're saying, "Right here, right now, with you, I am a sexual person, and that's good!" Taking a word that is often loaded with negative associations and using it in a sexual context with a partner you know and trust can be liberating...not to mention fun.

    In the end, though, what it comes down to is this: For some people, humiliation play is exciting, arousing, and makes sex more intense. It's like anything else, really. If it gets you going and makes your sex life more fun, then go for it! If it doesn't get you going and doesn't make your sex life more fun, then don't do it!