Why do some women resist FemDom and chastity?

Discussion in 'Female led relationships' started by Mistress Watchful, Dec 19, 2008.

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  1. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    I don't expect to find the answer, but I thought I'd ask the question!

    It breaks my heart sometimes when I see male members of the site who would do ANYTHING to serve their SO and yet their partner will not participate. At best they "put up with", and at worst they downright refuse.

    Why?!

    Surely women just want to be loved and cherished and made to feel special on a daily basis. If their partner needs a little physical "nudge" then what could be so bad about that?

    I know I was reluctant, and now I'm still struggling desperately to do what is both enjoyable for the two of us... but why do some just utterly refuse?
     
  2. JustLocked
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    JustLocked New member

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    I think maybe it's just so "out there", it's completely alien to most people. So they don't know anyone who's ever been into this, they don't know exactly what the guy really wants out of all this...and they don't feel like "stuggling desperately" to work it all out.

    That's just a guess, of course.

    JustLocked
    (I wish!)
     
  3. cks
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    cks Banned

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    MW! it's a simple answer. Females are forever a mystery filled with yet to be discovered colors of emotions unimaginable and beautiful. Mistress Watchful id You discover the answer to You question please tell me. i become a trillion-are!

    males on the other hand are a dull grey. giggles.
     
  4. candide
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    candide Member

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    If I weren't kinked and my girlfriend approached me to wear a chastity belt, to be ordered about, to be whipped at my whim, and god knows what else, I would think she was one sick puppy. I would be thinking about how to get her help or how to get out or maybe both.

    Worse yet, if I were a woman who expected my guy to be my rock in the storm, the person I could depend upon in a shifting uncertain world, and I learn that he wants to wear a dress and a chastity device, and leave it all up to me, I would go nuts.

    Mistress Watchful -- I so much appreciate your efforts to understand us chastity guys in general and to work with your guy in particular. Bless you.

    I've been through this with enough women to know that it's not simple and it often doesn't work out. And I don't blame the women. This is not simple stuff for either side, and the male-female thing is hard enough.

     
  5. Mistress Wyndee
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    When my husband, at the time boyfriend, first told me he was into bdsm I almost laughed. I had heard about it but didn't think that people actually lived that way. He told me his dreams and fantasies about being bound and whipped, etc., but me being vanilla it was just too much to handle. When we were first together, I did very little in the lifestyle of bdsm and I believe that was the major cause for us to break up at the time.

    Now knowing what it is that he wants and what I can get out of it, I am more willing to except my role as his Mistress/Domme and I am trying to explore more roads down this journey of our new lifestyle.

    I was very reluctant at first mainly because I didn't know what I was doing and I wasn't interested in learning. It just really did not interest me at all. I just utterly REFUSED to learn and become what it is that he wanted. And like I said I believe that was the main reason why our relationship ended at the time that it did.

    But I wouldn't change anything in the world now. I have read and tried to learn about our lifestyle. Yes there is more that I could be doing and slowly I am getting there. I want to learn. I want ideas. I want this to work. That is one of the main reasons why I asked him to find me a site where I can discuss things with other Dommes/slaves and see what I can learn from them and get advice and pointers for what I am doing right and what I am doing wrong. And he found me this site and I am extremely happy that he did, because I am comfortable here and I feel I can be open with all of you.

    So to answer your question Mistress Watchful, in my opinion, a woman would just completely refuse to live this lifestyle and have all the pleasures in the world mainly, I believe and in my case, from ignorance. One not knowing what this lifestyle can do to a relationship (making the bond stronger mainly) is really the main issue. And like myself before I wasn't willing to take the time to learn and get all the knowledge that I could get to even try to make it work. I just was totally not interested and to be frank I was turned off by the thought of doing things to him that I had read about or from the videos that I watched.

    Why is it different now? Well over the past few years, he had slowly introduced me to the lifestyle in a new light. I became interested and just learning how it makes him feel and behave toward his Mistress was really appealing to me. I wanted a man that would love me for me. I wanted a man to cherish me and treat me like a queen and I have that now. And it was all because I began to gain the knowledge that I needed to live this new lifestyle. Yes there are times where I just don't feel like it or I'm not interested those days, but it all comes back. I just have to remember that the more that I do for him with this lifestyle the more I get out of it.

    I don't know if I answered your question, but this is all that I know.
     
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  6. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    A lot of interesting thoughts in these replies!

    I think the ignorance/confidence thing is a major factor... those were my worries along with feeling the need to have a "strong man" by my side.

    For me the ignorance is disappearing, the confidence is growing very very slowly, and the strength from my pet has manifested itself in his ability to encourage, motivate and support me to be the best I can. You can't really ask for more than that!

    I do see why when some women are approached they immediately think whips, chains and kinky sex when they hear the word Mistress. I wonder if some of that could be overcome by better promotion of the word Goddess or Princess by their potential submissive.

    Just pondering... :chores026:
     
  7. sophia
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    sophia Senior Member

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    I think it is a big misunderstanding from most women. Being submissive in relation to my wife doesn't mean i am submissive to anyone else.
     
  8. chastityslavejohn
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    chastityslavejohn Mistress Irianna's pet

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    i am ONLY submissive to my Mistress, unless She says otherwise. i am respectful to all women because They are Superior human beings. i will never submit to a man and will knock anyone's head off if they bother my Mistress.
     
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  9. Miss D
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    Miss D Expert In Femming

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    I think that most people - at least, on occasion - do enjoy inventive sexual practices - even people that are laced straight as an arrow most of the time. A much smaller percentage enjoy these activities that are considered out of the norm, a bit more often and of those - only a few would identify themselves as either dominant or submissive. There are so many other kinks to choose from - femdom and chastity is just one.

    Kinkiness is alive and well everywhere - it appears in various shapes and sizes - certainly not usually discernible on the surface. If femdom were a more accepted form of behavior - if the shades were pulled back just a bit - it would certianly be more prevalent than it seems now.

    So, I believe femdom is being practiced (or just wished for) in some form with more regularity than we suspect. Hookers count on it... Phone sex sites count on it... And some of us - just Enjoy it...


    :smilies_xxx02:
     
  10. ladylionzsissy
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    ladylionzsissy male chastity sissymaid

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    i think some of it is the expectation that husband provides for and takes care of Mistress/Wife in the traditional way: he watches out for and mitigates threats, maintains an even keel, and guarentees life continues in a predicatable way. these needs require a level of "strong" behavior that combined with responsible judgement can be aggressive at times outside of the home and relationship! i feel these things are necessary to keep and maintain the realtionship at home in order to express the appropriate obsequies to Mistress and Ladys in general.

    OTH i've always felt that this lifestyle requires a dichtomous personality to be successful!
     
  11. PT109
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    PT109 Senior Member

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    These are great thoughts everyone. Having found the magic of the D/s lifestyle and benefited immensely I too look at others and wonder why they suffer in the dark so to speak instead of exploring this wonderful world we share together on this site. Especially when I see someone (male or female) who is arrogant and domineering yet unconscious of the effects of this behavior on other people. Having been dominant in previous relationships I remember the liberating feeling of being able to hold power over a lover, inflicting light pain and arbitrary humiliations on them at my whim. This feeling of power was far more fulfilling than holding actual power and defending it in the real world of social interactions. In the real world people hate you and laugh at you if you are arrogant and mean. In the D/s world you learn to explore your egotistical side within measured limits in conscious intimacy.
    That most people will never discover these things should be of no surprise. Most are "programmed" to be prudish and narrow minded about sex even as they are titillated by sex in movies and advertising.
    If you have ever visited an inner city slum where violence and degradation seem to be the normal state of affairs, you have probably asked yourself, "Why don't these people just get on a bus and leave"? The answer, I guess is that they can't leave. They're trapped in their own minds. Vanilla sex is a similar situation (to my thinking).
    We could also talk about the differences between women and men when it comes to sex. My own opinion is that the female sex is the original sex and men are a variation which came about in order to provide more genetic variation in the organism. This goes way back to the cellular level and way back in time but the evidence is seen in the way embryos develop in the womb. Without the exposure to male hormones the embryo always becomes female. The male is a variation of the "norm" in this respect. Add to this the fact the sexual reproduction in humans must be accomplished no matter what prevailing situations exist in the culture at the time. Hunger disease and warfare dominate human history. During any of these events the necessity of human reproductions continued to be a dominating factor of human life. To have sex a man must be motivated. It turns out that human evolution has produced numerous variations on the way this motivation is achieved. Cross dressing gives me an erection- what more can I say? Unfortunately violence is one of these variations- much more powerful and widespread in the population than cross dressing. Your average murderer with even minimal communication skills can usually con some woman into falling in love with him, even when he is in jail serving a life sentence.
    Even cuckolding can be seen as way for a woman to achieve increased genetic diversity and insure that the immune responses of her offspring are more capable of handling disease and other hardships. In modern days, there seems to be plenty of men standing by to perform the necessary roles of stud and cuckold to make this possible (one study showed that 30 % of children do not have DNA matching their legal fathers).
    Fetish is another variation- fairly common among men but not so common among women. That may be why women can wear men's clothes but men aren't allowed to wear women's clothes. Women know that they aren't feeling lascivious when they wear men's clothes and they also know that men do feel that way when they cross dress. Some men become excited by stockings, shoes, dresses, rubber, leather- the list could go on for ever. What ever insures a hard on survives as a behavior pattern in men because it gets them a hard on which a woman can use to reproduce. The woman doesn't have to like the fetish to take advantage of it. The vast majority of women don't like to be raped, but this is one of the most popular deviant activities among men.
    This couldn't happen from one generation to the next unless reproduction consistently resulted - passing on the rape tendencies in the human male.
    The great fun and liberating experiences we feel in this lifestyle come from our knowledge of these things, our consciousness of the motivating emotions that dominate everyone's sex life. Because we are conscious of them, we can use them, move amongst them, feel them in their full power without becoming victims of them. We can use our sexual emotions to explore and leverage our bliss to new heights.
    But we can only do this if we are on the same page with our lover(s). This is the tough part. We can't do this if we are stuck with a partner who can't see the need to buy that bus ticket out of Harlem.
     
  12. Devine Lady T
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    Devine Lady T you may kiss My shoes.

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    This is a great thread...
    My thoughts on this topic lean toward the still lingering misconceptions of the Lifestyle and the male/patriarchal perceptions that remain in the forefront of media, politics, organized religion, etc. Yes, bdsm and femdom themes have become less of taboo topic, yet these same topics still do not hold the same respect and acceptance of other sexual "taboos". Perhaps part of the misconception stems from the fact sociaety at alrge consider femdom a purely sexual bent and ignore the daily non-sexual aspects of the this Lifestyle.
    I think another point crossing the mind of uneducated females, who are approached by their male S.O.'s, may be two-fold: 1) they don't see what the male is asking them to do as "nuturing" which is something most women are naturally wired to provide, 2) they view it as abusive. I would also venture the guess that some may have concerns that the male would attempt to "turn the table" and ultimately have them in the submissive position, thus opening themselves to possible abuse.

    That's My two-cents worth -- thanks for beginning such a thought provoking thread!


    :fighting0074:
     
  13. sophia
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    sophia Senior Member

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    This is the most interesting and vital forum I ever visited.

    I have tried to find the Female Aspect in history. It is unfortunately well hidden.
    To me, I think church and religion is to blame. The very fundamentalistic christianity with burning of witches as the peak of oppression to women.

    Why was the church so afraid? What if we look at older religions. We have all these fertility goddesses, fertility rites, especially at times like summer solstice. People celebrated fertility and the goddess. The planet we live on we call Mother Earth! A Father Earth sounds silly, impossible. In ancient times the Woman, the Mother, the Goddess had a much higher or the superior rank.

    If we start with christianity we have the trinity. Everybody has heard the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit. Not so many know that the Holy Spirit is the female. Yes, and she even has a name and that is Barbelo. This is from the early christian history. http://www.gnosis.org/naghamm/nhl.html Interesting from gnosticism is also one of the sacraments, "the Bridal Chamber". Here is a beatiful example how to reach God: "When you make the two one, and when you make the inner as the outer and the outer as the inner and the above as the below, and when you make the male and the female into a single one, so that the male will not be male and the female not be female . . . then shall you enter the kingdom." The true meaning is that the world has been damaged and we can heal the world by making love, and by making love we also heal ourself. And in gnosticism we had Sophia who is wisdom. So wisdom is an old female aspect.

    From http://www.mystae.com/restricted/streams/scripts/isis.html
    Isis ("Stone seat"): "Wife and sister of Osiris and mother of Horus. She is the Mistress of Words of Power, the Goddess of Nature. She is shown in the form of a woman with a headdress shaped like a throne."
    "Isis got her name form the Greek translation of the Coptic Esi...In a sense, it is the throne that makes the king; the king receives his authority by taking his place on the throne. In this way, Isis is seen to be the mother of the king, and she appears as such throughout the iconography of Egypt."
    - An Encyclopedia of Archetypal Symbolism

    The first Zodiacs are said to have 13 month of 28 days. At the end of the year you added one day to get 365 days. Now (i am not sure of this!), the menstruation cycle is 28 days, exactly as the first Zodiac and the 13-month Zodiac is following the lunar cycle which is of course 28 days. Some say this is part of an old religion based on matriarchy.

    The lunar zodiac with 13 months of 28 days can be traced maybe back to very old hunting societies. There are theories that hunters lived in some kind of matriarchy as opposed to farming societies that are patriarchal.
    (Read "When women ruled the earth" by Stan Gooch)

    Now, there are also theories of "hunter genes" and "farmer genes".....

    What did i want to say????
    That we from the very beginning lived in a society where the female aspect was the most important. Then we changed into farmers and over time all female aspects has been erased from our history, from our way of life. I think this is a catastrophe and divides humanity. A split between male and female that should not be there.

    The old zodiac had to be abandoned and destroyed. Why?
    The king or farao was sitting on the throne of a female god.
    Sophia, a female, is wisdom.
    The holy spirit is a female.
    But we still say Mother Earth!
    In old symbols and mythology the list is endless.
    And think of old stories with the knight fighting for his lady.

    If society embraced these old values I think Femdom would feel more natural. Maybe it would be so natural we would not even think of it?
     
  14. mikecb
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    mikecb Member

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    Heh, interesting thread, and one for which I wish I knew the answer completely. I'm in exactly this situation. I think a lot of the reasons have been touched on above, and in previous posts by me, but in the spirit of contributing... hehe.

    In our case, I see a number of contributing factors. First, my wife was raised in a very traditional "50s style" family. The man was expected to be the breadwinner, and the woman expected to stay home and take care of the kids. I think she envisioned herself in a relationship like that during her childhood.

    What's interesting, is that that vision is in opposition to her own desire to be independent, assertive, and break those old stereotypes. I think her head wants to do one thing, but her conditioning is the opposite. There are times when she wants to be assertive, and other times when she seems genuinely unwilling to step up and deal with things, expecting me to take the protector/provider role.

    Coupled with that bit of confusion, add the fact that she has very little libido, and little sense of adventure in bed. There are times when she even goes so far as to criticize sex, almost as if it's an animalistic instinct, and that we should be more evolved. Again, this is a little confused by the fact that when we were first dating, she seemed to have a perfectly normal libido! lol. However, I think when we both got older, she gained weight, and we decided we would not have kids, her libido just dried up. She even got medication, at one point, but then decided not to take it. She thought it would make her behave like an animal or something.

    So, at this point in her life, she treats sex as a somewhat "immature" activity. It doesn't really interest her. On those rare occasions that we are intimate, I get the sense that she is doing it more as a courtesy to me, than out of interest in her part. For my part, I have no desire to rape my wife, so it just doesn't work for me either. The net result is a pretty dead sex life.

    Now, adding chastity to the mix doesn't really work for her. It just creates more "attention" around sexual issues, which she regards as somewhat immature and childish. Hence, she's just not interested.

    Still, she's open-minded, and at least TRIES to participate in my interests. On occasions when we've attended play parties and such, she has seemed intrigued, but frankly, it's mostly about playing "dress up". She walks around checking out all the Domme's outfits, but pretty much rolls her eyes at the goings-on. She likes getting dressed up in Domme clothes, but doesn't know what to do with herself. She also has little motivation to learn, since she views it all as rather silly and childish.

    That's my best guesses, anyway. Like many married couples, it seems trying to speak openly about intimacy seems to lead to more frustration and arguments than resolution. I do love and care for my wife, but this is an area of our marriage that just doesn't work. Trying to add Femdom on top of something this dysfunctional seems like a recipe for disaster.
     
  15. Mistress Watchful
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    Mistress Watchful Dont believe the hype ;oP

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    Oh dear Mike, you make me feel really selfish and (I dunno) finger pointy!

    I can see what you mean about adding to frustrations if the female partner already has issues (can't think of a better word) about sex through upbringing.

    I also completely understand how sometimes the chastity device can cause all sorts of feelings and worries, even if you don't want sex and then your partner locks himself up and *prevents* sex completely... it gets complicated!

    I guess I need to accept that everyone is different! In an ideal world we would all be perfectly matched to our SOs. In this world, we have to make do with 80% matches!
     
  16. Lean Period
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    Lean Period Junior Member

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    It's that time of the month again & I'm locked up now until after Christmas !

    I have seen both sides of this. Even my former girlfriend - who took to the Domme role very effectively - wasn't initially switched onto trying chastity play. I think it's because, even in the liberal times we live in, chastity devices aren't 'in your face' (so to speak !) like other sex aids are & it is therefore not commonly understood. My girlfriend took the time to learn about it before just dismissing it. My wife, on the other hand, just immediately dismissed it as out of the question and it was never mentioned again until after I had married her - when she came up with this quite clever idea of locking me up whilst she has her period.

    Any disappointment I had about losing the chastity play was more than outweighed by being with her - but I admire her even more for the way in which she has introduced this for me each month without it really having any effect on her at all. She merely has to hold the key for five days and gives me a good teasing session at the end.

    From reading everyone else's comments, to have found two successive partners both fully committed to chastity play would have been extremely unlikely - I therefore count myself lucky to have this 'compromise'.

    Even now my wife hasn't done any research on the subject (that I know of anyway) and I think that is the biggest challenge - not the 'confession' that you would like to be locked up - but getting them to research & understand that there can be something in it for them too ! Although I'm not complaining about my lot, my wife could get so much more out of it if she researched it and new how to 'play' me.
     
  17. lauren1fem
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    lauren1fem Gurl

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    Marriage is all about compromises and it seems you two have found one here with the keyholding during her period. Perhaps that is something you can build on over time.
     
  18. richard
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    richard Just me

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    Chastity Play has gone from a total standing start. But it is growing fast.

    10 years ago, the only devices around were specialist very expensive and hardly known of.
    Now they are affordable and worn by many.

    I think women are put off by the black leather/high heeled dominatrix image. But on the other hand if approached the right way they are intregued.
    My wife thought it was mad at first. Even though she enjoyed squeezing my balls and controlling me that way for 10 years or so before.

    She eventually came around from playing for my fetish to playing for her taste.

    As it becomes more known and practised by normal couples. It will become more acceptable and more widespread.

    As for sissying. Not everyone goes down that line. So it is seperate.
    Though I do appreciate if a key holder wants it, then it will happen.

    A few thoughts from me.
     
  19. Lady_Kismet
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    Lady_Kismet Member

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    Hmmm Well I suppose my own 2 cents are about what every one has said. I was raised in a household with a very domineering mother so I can't blame a less than strong mother figure. I think a lot of it is due to popular culture. Most movies are about women swooning into mens strong arms. The idea that they are our shelter. Then you have a certain amount of stigma for the lifestyle, all aspects not just the FemDom aspect, since often it is all about power, and that is also what a lot of rapists and killers do since for them it is about the power. I do not believe they are too related but we all do walk a line. And in our society we are taught to conform, and any little thing that you can even think is slightly deviant can cause ostraization (I can't spell and spell check has failed once again sorry for my misspellings). Personally I revel in this, when checking in for flights I love to list what things i have in my suitcase just to watch the airline attendant squirm, or even better get a glint in her eye as she tries to not ask me a ton of questions. I love to walk to the back of the sex shop and stand in a long line to check out with dildoes, canes, and leather bits that smell so nice.

    I think it is intimidating, even having been a slave in the lifestyle it was very intimidating to even contemplate having to make the decisions. All of a sudden I had to figure out how to send someone else off into sub space. And I will fully admit I am selfish, I prefer to be the one trembling and only having to worry what might be next. I can certainly see the allure for men who often are pushed into a Dominate role to lay back and let someone else make the decisions.

    Part of me worries that I will not be good enough or live up to the expectations. This whole experience has gotten me to send out a ton of emails apologizing to Doms I played with in the past since it is hard to live up to expectations. But in reality if you look at most marriages there is a reason the divorce rate is so high. It is because of selfish desires and/or lack of communication or at least that is what I see.

    Now don't get me wrong I can understand the fear and the unwillingness to fulfill our partners fantasies. I have been there and went running and screaming in the past, now being older and wiser I know it is about mutual enjoyment and fulfillment. It was like an email I received several months ago about sex in the city, that all of carries problems is she wants the ideal and is not willing to accept people and their imperfections. She wants her knight in shining armor but on her terms. None of us is perfect and if we all try to make our partners perfect we will either go insane or destroy the relationship. I think alot of it is being secure with ourselves, a woman who is insecure will be less likely to explore. To not be able to ask what else beyond womens underwear their partner might enjoy. But truly to be able to give of ourselves we must be secure with ourselves. I admit i am far from it, I still have my own insecurities, but well i know they are there and I am working past or around them.

    I guess I am hard on myself and others, but the truly cruel thing is to be with someone and to say you love them, but be unwilling to even try. I love Jo with all my heart and it hurts me for him to be unhappy. And if he is willing to suffer through me learning, then i am more than happy to try and fulfill his desires. I think it boils down to fear, and whether they can face that fear or if they cannot. I pity the women who can't because it is liberating, especially for those of us who naturally are submissive. I have found I just do to Jo what I want him to do to me. If anything our playtimes have gotten better because he knows what i enjoy based on what I experiment on him with. Though I enjoy being the pony and he isn't gonna get to be a pony boy, that one is mine :happy0011:

    Well that is my rambling response and well suppose I have offended some people, but oh well it isn't a good day unless I aggravate at least one person.
     
  20. michelleCD
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    michelleCD Member

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    I really shouldn't open my mouth here because I would probably upset a lot of people......so I won't.........
    maybe later after a few drinks
    I'll think about it......
    michelleCD :butterfly:
     
  21. lockedndocked
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    lockedndocked Member

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    Had a 5 year live in relationship with a lesbian pro domme a while back.

    Obvious caged slave from day one asshe headhunted me for the experiance.

    She got tremendous ego kick out of showing me off to her friends and in play. Play thats a misnomer if ever there was one.

    \would I do it again yes please asap despite the eternal frustration and desperately needing a cum. Denial at close range under pressure is worthwhile as well as challenging.
     
  22. richard
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    richard Just me

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    Please start a new thread and tell us more about your service to a lesbian.
    This is the realms of true fantasy for most of us.
    :jumping0045:
     
  23. mistress S
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    mistress S Mistress S

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    I feel that people in general look at wives to be the ones that stay at home looking after the kids and the man is the breadwinner and the dominant one. However since dealing with the lifestyle that my husband wants I get somewhat excited about the new things we do and the new things we can do when the children are grown. It has taken me a long time to get my head around the chastity lifestyle but I'm now taking it by the horns and driving my husband wild with desire and love. He so more appreciative of me now and does things in the home that I would not of once expected him to do, but I think this is why as I am being accustomed to the lifestyle I feel more love and warmth for his help around the home. I feel secure now in my marriage and communication has been a big part of this. We have talked about his wants and needs and my wants and needs and unfortunately my needs are more than his and he has accepted this.
     
  24. Respectful
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    Respectful Chaste by choice

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    Men are so much more fun to be with when they are chaste :)
     
  25. Mr Gee
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    Mr Gee Member

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    Just found this....possibly one of the best threads in the mansion; maybe my little update will stir renewed interest
    Mr Gee :)
     
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