Whiny husband obsessed withh pleasuring me

It sounds like you two are incompatible as partners.

 

That’s a pretty broad brush you are painting with.

 

I think it takes a while to adjust to the reality of real submission, rather than the porno fantasy. I hope I wasn't as bad as your husband, but his behaviour certainly rings a bell.

What you can do - what worked for us - is to build some non-sexual kink into your routine that suits you but also pushes his buttons. In our case, at bedtime I put on a collar, kneel and wait for orders, carry out various useful tasks, then administer long foot rubs. All this turns me on horribly, but from my wife's point of view is much appreciated room service and massage. If she does engage with my turn on, it is to mock me.

This works for me for two reasons.

First, I'm a submissive, so genuinely being treated as a slave for genuinely selfish reasons, rather than for kinky effect, is a massive turn on and also mentally satisfying

Second, I'm not going to get off anyway, so there's no point in being obsessed with pleasuring my wife over any other activity. An hour spent massaging her feet and legs is as good as any other activity. Also, being a mute slave turns me into a kind of participant voyeur - a little emotional distance creates a massive charge.

If you go down this route, make it very clear you're getting things you want, and that you like things this way. Be honestly selfish, and gloat about it if you like: "This is what you wanted, now go back to kneeling in the corner until I want a bedtime drink."

 

My wife/keyholder/Mistress has the perfect solution. Either do it on her terms, her rules or not at all. That's quite a threat to never do any chastity / Femdom ever again.

 

My madam is the same! If I pestered her for Anything she would simply stop being Dom, and would talk about it have anything to do with bdsm for a week. I wasn’t unlocked, it was just ignored, if I asked about it madam would simply go fetch the key and give it to me, and say fine take it off, but don’t ask me to put it back on you.
It works very well!

 

I'd suggest that telling him and meaning it that he won't get what he wants unless you get what you want. Then slowy intrioduce more terms ... like the frog in the saucepan never realising he's being brought to the boil without his knowledge.

Its an old piece of advice which has been offered before to many .... he has to realise its your way or no way.

 

I thinks its more that a lot of people male and female get this wrong be thewy top or bottom.

I'm sure it is more that for most people that intially its only enjoying the only the fantasy of submission or being in a FLR or FD relationship that holds appeal. They enjoy playing at it and more so if their partner does too

If this fantasy is nurtured and gently taken in a given direction the fanstasy can become increasaingly melded with or into reality... and welcomed by both top and bottom ... and in time who knows.

I never really was aware of having any real submissive tendencies. My Lady has encouraed me to develop some and I like she look forward to where they might take us.

It has to be a mutually acceptable worked at situation with the myriad possibilities along the way being explored together.

 

some great advice there for me the biggest part is that i do indeed recognise this behaviour as i feel a lot of us have done this at some point in our journey i certainly know i have been guilty of assuming that as my wife has agreed to do a certain thing for me eventually it convinces me she is now totally "up for anything'. The best way to solve the issue is simply to hand back the key and explain that it is over and no more chastity or tie ups will happen due to his constant moaning and pestering, give him a three week period with no play at all to let him see what he is missing and then if he agrees to change his ways try again and see what happens. He is not alone in this but needs to realise how lucky he is to even have something given to him from someone who can seriously take it or leave it.

 

With all possible respect
I doubt that anyone male or female is ever going to convince you that what you believe is your best way to deal with males is not the best way for you.

I don't see how they could as you have often stated or implied that other than service and good manners you don't really want or need anything from men.

I say it as neither a good or bad thing and certainly without any judgement.

 

Absolutely ... as I believe are the majority of those saying they are into submission.
But by no means all.. I'm really enjoying our developing of my submissive streak and its all her rules her say and ehat she wants.

 

I think most of the above responses are right on. Try to turn it to worshipping ALL of your body instead of just your vagina. Make him massage you with oils and play nice music. Make him learn that he can worship you AND give you pleasure in other ways. Just cuz it all revolves around his penis for him doesn't mean that it all revolves around your vagina for you. If he sees you truly enjoying a massage, maybe he can learn to shift his focus. Good luck

 

I know my time is usually asked to be spent doing things a bit less genital oriented. Foot rubs and worshiping, calf rubs,odd things around the house.

She’s still very into sexual play but it isn’t my only outlet.

 

As @L-u-c-y says above I think your husband gets off on being submissive rather than being submissive. It’s an aspect of his being non submissive to you as you are (rather than his fantasy of you as a voracious sex mad Domme) that permits him to let his mood affect you negatively when he gets into a bad mood. You play a role for him but only take it part of the way as he would see it. My advice would be for you to focus on and cultivate the ways in which you could use your husband as an instrument to pursue your interests. You still maintain the relationship and gratify his submissive fetish but his fantasy of your insatiable sexual drive ceases to be the be all and end all if you can use him to pursue your actual interests and you let him know that he is being so used. You are pleasuring yourself in a non sexual way, using him, and he would know it. It’s that knowledge of how he is being used that he should be able to get off on.

 

He wants 'punter BDSM' you want 'real BDSM'! Basically, it's more about his fantasy getting fed than your lifestyle being enhanced. You need to have the 'On my terms' conversation and once and for all see if he can step over to the real side. A genuine Domme/Mistress/Goddess/Princess et al should expect a lot more from a sub hub. Good luck.

 

And another thing.... Sorry but in every relationship there has to be compromise. I want that and you want that. Why should should Femdom and kink be any different?

 

Use it to your advantage. If he is doing extra and gives you an extra 30-60 minutes a day, isn’t it worth it to let him go down on you for a few minutes while you read a book (if you aren’t into it)? Find a way to make it work to YOUR advantage. Is he in great shape? If not, make sure he is working out daily and cooking healthy meals for you.

Or tell him “I’m in charge and your little PP is staying locked and you aren’t touching me tonight.” Enforcing chastity and dominance gets what you want and oddly..... what he wants. If he gets whiney, make him go on a 4 mile walk and track him using your phone. In his mind, the worst two things you can do is make him feel “locked and forgot” or you unlock him and refuse to play.

 

Sorry, I disagree. If you don't want that attention then it shouldn't happen

 

You need to explain to him that if there's to be real power exchange you must actually be in charge- and right now you don't want that, and don't want to talk about it. You could try setting aside a specific time where he can talk about his fantasies so he doesn't think 'you've forgotten,' but make it clear that just because you want to hear him express himself doesn't mean he will get what he wants. Eventually, when he stops whining, you may find that you want his attention in that area, but right now it's a turnoff, especially because of his behavoir, and then again you may never want it- if it's not your thing it's not your thing. If you want to let him have his fantasy you can buy a vaginal sex toy and have him go down on that, and if he's into humiliation tell him it's because he's no good and has to practice- be creative. Got lemons? Make lemonade.

 

Tell him like it is. You mentioned you like the idea that it has some benefits for you, so use this to your advantage!! Think about what you want him to do and not do. If its vacuuming or painting the house then make him get busy. If you don’t want him to whine, or do other things, tell him its your way or no more chastity games. Remind him that whining or excessive trying to push for something you already gave him direction on will delay his release and certainly delay or completely eliminate his privilege of servicing you sexually. He has a choice, play the game for real with your rules, or the cage comes off and game over forever.




QUOTE="Goddess li, post: 345139, member: 67488"]Hi there. My husband has been into bdsm since I have known him. We have a big night of it every Sunday without fail. It's not really my thing but I have been more than happy to do this for him for about 15 years, he has a stressful job and I get that this is his release. We've recently moved to using a chastity device, I like the sound of having some benefit to me. It has improved my self worth - I like that he helps around the house with the kids etc. It could work quite well (even if it isn't 'my thing') the trouble is he wants to "pleasure me" all the time and I'm just not into it. I'll happily do all the other things that come with it, I feel like I have done A LOT for him. I just wish he could accept it is not for me. I still get pleasure from him, he just has this fantasy of my demanding him to go down on me every night and it's just not something I'm into at all. I guess I'm finding it hard to put up with. He is obsessed with sex (quite possible an addict) and I find it hard to put up with the leering, whining, constant innuendos etc. I made a new set of rules that requires him to stop with all that but it hasn't really worked well. If i mention he has broken rules and will be punished he accepts it, but will be in a bad/sad mood that really affects me. How should I deal with this? I find it really hard because he's putting me off the whole thing. Any advice anyone could give would be really appreciated. Thanks in advance[/QUOTE]

 

Met far too many of these, and did not suit Me one bit

 

My wife could have written your post. It wasn't until I got halfway through it until I figured out it wasn't her as we have never held weekly bdsm sessions. But she has always been annoyed with my constant focus on her as a sexual being. Part of the problem is how goddamn attracted I am to her on an animalistic level. It's been a lifelong struggle not express my desire for her all the time as it annoys the hell out of her. And yes, even before we experimented with chastity, I lamented the fact that she never really wanted oral as much as I wanted to give it to her. (She sure seems to like it on the odd occasion that she does want it!!!)

Believe me when I say it's a challenge for your husband to be unable to do that for you. When you consider how little you want him to do it, just realize he has an equal but opposite thought that he wants to. He can't understand why you don't want it as there is an obvious benefit to you. I do see now thanks to your post that I should no longer suggest it to my wife. The last few times I have suggested it her answer has been "I AM the one who decides what happens." which is of course the correct answer and I relent.

As an aside I think women can confuse the concept of 'tease and deny" with a similar but less effective concept of "denial of teasing". Call me a dominant submissive but it just doesn't work for me. Sorry, don't mean to hijack your thread.

Perhaps there is a compromise? Maybe find a way to let him do it once a month perhaps? Or once a quarter even? All he's looking for a slight glimmer of hope that it's a possibility. Make sure he's aware that it's your call and if he ever asks for it, it's off the table. Maybe you will find a way to enjoy it. Roleplay that he is getting you ready for a lover. Or alternatively, roleplay that you want to save your womanhood for a lover. (I'm injecting my own fantasy in here but I suspect this will work for your husband too). At the end of the day it would be great if you could create a sense of hope for him that it might happen, but that any mention of it on his part means its a definite no.

You can take a hard line as some are suggesting here, and that may work. I'm new too and by no means an expert. But there's got to be an upside for you here somehow. This strong desire on your husband's part can definitely be flipped around some way to strengthen his devotion to you. Maybe you start with soft kisses for the first few times and then he is put away. Or just one soft kiss. No tongue, no licking, nothing other than a soft kiss to show his devotion to you. Trust me, I speak from experience that it will be appreciated. And he will see that you are willing to compromise and that you are trying. It will mean a lot to him. He doesn't want to be a source of this type of angst for you.