Where are all the dominant women at?

Guess it depends on where you've been looking. Have you tried any kink groups/clubs that might be in your area? Fetlife or any other online kinkster website?

 

I was reading a study on dom/sub prevalence across gender and found in a study of a bunch (a few thousand people If I recall) of bdsmers only 4 percent of women identify as dommes. Sooo if you take this into account in addition to the fact that pracitioners of bdsm make up a small percentage of the general population finding a real domme is like finding a goddamn unicorn. Fetlife would definitely narrow it down though!
Good luck!

 

Contrary to what most see and read in porn, most women are not looking to dominate men. That is why you have so many men posting about finding a dominant woman. Most people want normal relationships. Those relationships can involve BDSM like mine did, but I have only known two women who had alpha personalities. I was sexually submissive to both; one for 30 years. My wife is submissive and yet she will paddle my butt once in awhile and is my strict keyholder. However, those are sexual roles we drift into and out of as the mood strikes us.

I was grew up and got married in the pre-internet days so I had a realistic view of sex when I dated and married. These days many guys are learning about sex from porn. They expect women to behave like the paid porn actresses do. They see paid dominant women pretend they are dominating their husband or actually do so for the camera only, to make money. I read so many posts that read like fantasy here and elsewhere. Just check out the posts of many new members whose real life story read like a porn novel almost word for word.

Even if you find a free dominant, you will be competing with hundreds of thousand of other men who are looking for the same thing. If you want it you have two choices. The first is pay for it. The other choice is actually getting out there and meeting as many girls as you can and weeding out the ones who are not sexually adventuresome. Most guys stop at the first girl who gives them sex on a regular basis rather than move on to try to find one that gives them sex the way they want it. I had sex with 20 women and dated a lot more, by the time I was 20 before I found my wife. Not many wives will enjoy watching their husbands have sex with their girlfriends and being OK if they dated other women too. I started out with a virgin but knew before we got married that she would be my perfect sex partner. She was a blank slate and willing to try any thing once. I got to teach her all she knows about sex. These days guys are used to getting a lot of things online from Amazon or other online retailers. They try to meet girls online too but when it comes to fetish sex, you are fighting a losing battle to find a dominant woman. Join fetlife.com which is free and join all the other men looking for a dominant woman with no luck. Get out there and date to find someone who is or is sexually adventurous. That is what I did and it worked for me.

Even if you meet a girl who deeply loves you, there is a chance that they will try to satisfy your fetish. My wife got her best friend to take care of that for her. I was often sexually submissive to our girlfriend while my wife liked me to take charge in bed. I kissed a lot of frogs to find my princess and that is what it takes to have a long and happy fetish life.

 

Hi
Quite simply most women are looking for a man who will provide and protect them.
Don't say old fashioned serotype it's just how it is .
The ladies you are looking for do exist but as others have said are few and far between.
Clubs are maybe the best way of finding what you want however you are going to be one of a big crowd looking for the same.
You may be lucky and hit it off but it's a lot more than crawling and being sickly submissive. A good sub has an interesting personality .

Xx Wendy

 

Hey Wendy I agree with you that most women are looking for a man to provide and protect them. That was the hardest part for me in disclosing to my wife my fantasies. She was afraid that it meant I was gay. I had to assure her that though my kinks and sexual fantasies center around me being submissive to her that I promised to be a strong man in the outside world and did not desire to be with men. I do the manly work that needs to be done like the yard work and splitting wood for heat and all those things. This seemed to ease her mind about this and let it open up. Now we are fairly deeply into it and we couldn't be happier. Though as I am learning that this is an organically growing lifestyle my kinks are changing and so are hers. We have discussed her having a real cock in me instead of just the strap on she uses. Not sure if we will go down that road but it has had my mind doing circles ever since. But she knows I am her man and that won't change even though I now do the bulk of cooking and cleaning. Tonight it is Alaskan King Crab legs and Filet Mignon over wood fired grill. Nothing but the best for my sweet Mistress that lets me have my Kinks and play them too!!

 

Hiding away. We don't want to be hassled.

 

Lol, you my dear are most certainly not hiding away! You take these boys head on and regulate!

 

There is a surprising number of alpha women out there, and our number is growing due to the social climate in the western world. The problem is to find one who wants to engage in a more or less permanent Fem-Centric relationship and who will want to partake in your particular buffet of kinks, with you. That is where things get difficult. Lots of alpha women, but not many with overt in-your-face dom attitudes. Unless you know what to look for, you will totally miss the clues. Most men do not have a clue. The other thing is that a good number of alpha women are looking for, or are in. marriages where they "wear the pants" but "kink" like you read about here is pretty much non-existent except for perhaps the occasional "tie-him-up-and-ride-em-cowgirl" scene. About the only thing whipped is the whipped cream.

Another issue is that a good number of alpha women are not even aware that they are Alpha women. Female children are still nurtured to be feminine and that is made into a total crock of BS because part of being "feminine" is being more or less submissive. Yuckkkk! A lot of marital friction is created when the unaware alpha female gets involved in a conventional "honor and obey" marriage with a "normal" guy, or worse yet, gets involved with a guy who is or just thinks he is "alpha". Trouble brews and divorce is often the outcome. She rinses and repeats, only to find the same problems cropping up again. Alpha women usually resent a man who tries to "take care of her too much" or is "too restrictive", "too jealous" and myriad other toxic conditions. Sometimes a woman will wise up during her dating life and others will wise up after the first (or second) bad marriage: I am sure you have heard of women seeking a man who will "respect her independence". And then is the woman who says that she wants to meet a man "who treats me like an equal". Those are very likely alpha woman who escaped one or two or more stifling relationships and finally knows that she can't stand the idea of submitting to a man, but who is programmed by society not to dominate a man either. Sad.Then there is the politically correct tripe that mandates that both parties must be "equal". Garbage! I have never seen any relationship where absolute equality exists, but foolish dreamers can dream if they want to.

Then there are those like me who have never submitted to men socially or in a relationship, and who get nauseated at the very though of doing so. But even those women are hard to read when you first meet them. We hardly go around wearing "Caution: Alpha Female" tee shirts. (Ok, so I actually have a shirt that says that, a gift from my hubby and I still have it and occasionally still wear it...most alpha women don't, OK?.) Hmmm...??? Maybe we need to go around wearing 'em because unless we have a miniature paddle hanging from our car mirror or our necklace, most men are clueless about our "inclinations". Again, that is because of how we are nurtured to let the man take the initiative socially. I learned early on how to very aggressively hit up on a guy. If he seemed put off by that, I wrote him off as a wannabee alpha who was put off by aggressive women. The subs, more often than not, ate up the "tude I put out there and they rolled over and showed me the white of their bellies in about a minute or less. Bingo! Spankability!

You can start by posting a personal ad here on CM. But the male subs are everywhere and female doms are as rare as a captured Sasquatch. But awesome can happen. I agree with those who suggest FetLife. FetLife is a great way to get in touch with some real people who are involved in PowEx relationships. The site is indeed huge but huge is good because at first you will just have to play the numbers game. **TIP: If you do not have the patience to navigate the FetLife site then you are in for a world of frustration trying to meet Mistress Right.** It is all about networking. Your goal should be to just meet people, not to instantly connect with your dream mistress and start groveling at her feet. That is not how it usually works in real life anyway, regardless of what you read in fapping fantasies. The FetLife site lists meetings, conferences, camps, retreats, seminars, and venues. Also has various groups. If you live in or near a large metro area, FetLife is a great start. So is the ALT site.

There are many other alternative-lifestyle web sites that you can go to network. And there are alt list sites that have lists, large and small, of groups, meetings, conferences, seminars, venues, etc. Join in and learn how to network first. Go to some of the meet and greets: there you will learn how to relate to people into what you are into, real people, not just guys with a fapping fantasy. You will probably not meet a mistress right off, but, in time and with patience, you might make a connection who knows somebody who knows somebody who is looking for a guy just like you. In addition, you might meet a lady who is into mentoring a new sub like you. Priceless! And you can probably find a woman who might be interested in no-strings "playing" with a sub male. Usually no "happy ending" but you can learn what you do and do not like in real life. I did the "no-strings" hook-up thing (usually no "happy ending") with lots of men to hone my skills in real life with real men. I still keep in touch with some of them and occasionally I get together with a couple of them. I also met several female mentors (Femtors?) who have become awesome friends and taught me a lot.

Caveats: BE CAREFUL! Exercise caution! I am not going to go into all the pitfalls and dangers inherent with interacting with total strangers you have met online. Look that up for yourself, take it seriously...or suffer the consequences! I can tell you from personal experience that it can be very rewarding once you learn how to network and connect online and in person.
Best of awesome to you! Be safe!

 

@LeadingLady

Love it

 

Thanks Felix!
Add to that:
Femopause
Femstruation
Femtal

 

and how about somebody having good " Fanners " ?

 

They are out there .... but their view on dominance is going to be different then yours. They will expect you to self regulate your sexuality, have the shape and look that they desire, add and complement to the relationship, and expect you to be self sufficient and not a child as they don't want to be a mother ...

I think there was a thread that Mistress Lucy stated something akin to this .... There are very few women out there that will conform to the fantasy that alot of guys dream up in their head; hence the commentary of low single digits percentage wise.

If you are interested in someone like this, you will need to up your game in a way and put yourself into positions where women can be in charge and join up with like minded pursuits. There is always fetlife and other aspects as other venues, but at that point it is like play the weekly game of lottery.

There are women out there that will be interested in facets of this; however, they will only do it in the confines of a relationship where they feel safe and loved and there is what they define as proper back and forth. In that instance, if you show them the unconditional love and care they desire, and this is something core to your being, then they may return the favor; however, you need to remember where you have spent thousands of hours in this perspective/kink/fetish/whatever ... they will have only hundreds of seconds ....

Don't know if that helps you ... but that is my 2 cents (pence) of advice.

 

I have gotten this question quite a bit myself on Fetlife, Kik, at Munches and in general discussion. I am a dominant woman (in all truth I am a switch) and the answer is - we're out there, but we're busy as hell.... I have 3 submissive and have to turn down more all the time. At one time I was playing with 4 submissive IRL and about 10+ online... that was simply too much. I have since cancelled the relationships with all my 'online boys' because I felt I was neglecting everyone trying to make sure everyone got at least a little attention.

I, myself, cannot top a boy/man who I don't feel like I know. For me to take on a new sub it means lots of time talking to get to know each other. So, that said, OP you said you have messaged a few ladies on Fetlife with no luck? I am guessing your message was one like most proclaimed dominant women on there get:

"Ur so beautiful. be my mistress. I will do whtevr you say."

(If your message wasn't like that then please accept my apology and congratulations.)

I get the above message about 3 or 4 times a month... and I delete them. I used to run a local group called Women In Kink (WinK) for dominant women to meet up and talk. We all had the same thing - we're one women, but there's such a demand that we often feel coverd in subs.

WE KNOW IT'S NOT FAIR!

Trust me, if there was unlimited time in the day I would still have my online boys, but I love my husband more than life and can't stand the thought that he felt abandoned while I was spending hours a day trying to make boys/men I never met sexually fulfilled or that my local friends didn't get the attention they deserved either. Add to that work, and kids, and hobbies, and friends and life - I simply can't.

My advice... Go to Munches. Be active in kinky groups on Fetlife. Get to know some of the women who are dominant before you ever ask them to top you. If you live close enough to a club you can travel to - start going. It may be a drive (I am lucky have have several clubs within a hour of me), but getting involved in your local community - even if you don't immediately hook up with a Mistress will only help in your journey. AND the most important advice I can offer, I believe, is don't only look for a Dominant women - keep your mind open for a Switch too... we can be pretty toppy when the mood strikes .

 

It appears the ladies are taking a exception to this thread and I can't blame them. There are far more men into this kink than women ad I can see how easy it is for them to get overwhelmed

Well put lady, my wife and Inare expecting a little girl in June an I'll be damned if I am going to pingeon holder with all the proper lady PC BS that I saw growing up. We have talked about it and are in agreement that we are going to teach her to be a "boss" not only with the boys but everyone. We are going to first and foremost teach respect and love but at the ends of the day not to take Any crap from anyone. At the end of the day we are all the d
Same species. We are all humans with varying skills and deficiencies. We need to respect each other and promote love first. If we did that there would be no need for femdom. Don't get me wrong, as it stands I love that my wife appeases me and Locks me up but I'm more interested in truly being in a relationship that promotes communication respect and attention to ea h others needs and desires.

Some need a deeper separation of power and tbat is awesome if it works for them. But above all we should respect each other irregardless of gender.

That said I still have no problem saying that I find a women in a nice skirt and blouse with stockings and heels and all around looking out together a complete turn on. Why shouldn't I right? But I still feel the need to respect her at the end of it all.

I hope that wasn't too rambling

 

Sorry for all the typos everyone . This iPhone sucks to type on and I was anxious to get the post out because I was feeling inspired. Bad form!

 

That was not rambling at all; that was perfect!
I just love your sentiment about your new daughter. It really hit home with me. My father was my first "Put your alpha boots on girl!" mentor. Like my husband he was a totally top-dog alpha male, business owner in several businesses that were in very macho fields, had just about all male teams of blue and white collar employees. He was always respectful of everyone but there was no doubt who was the boss. That resonated with me. Totally alpha, totally nice person.

How my he ended up marrying my mom, I still can't wrap my head around. Actually how they did not end up killing each other during the engagement is what I wonder about. She was a successful to-her-toes alpha businesswoman. Could have been bloodshed, but they never fought. They deeply respected each other's space and always stopped short when real tempers began to rise. Everyone close to us, thought she wore the pants at home. He deferred to her a lot but I never really saw it that way. Ok, I suppose maybe...But...If so, Good call, Daddy!

At home Mom and Dad shared disciplinary duties, never once used corporal punishment. The tough stuff ended up in his lap. Instead of coming down hard, daddy reasoned with us. When I was old enough to hold a rational conversation, if Daddy asked me to do something, or enforced a restriction, and I disagreed, he did not pull the "I am your father, do as I say!" card. He was like, "Okayyyy! Bring it on! Let's hear your side." If we could respectfully present a good case, even if he wanted it otherwise, he would sometimes capitulate. Often enough to make the impression that he was not the Big Bad Hombre who had to be obeyed without question or else. Why? He told me later in life: "I knew you would be growing up in a man's world. I did not want to raise you to accept anyone's authority just because that person has a set of balls."

Dad and I would often battle it out and always came to an accord. How I loved those debates! He was no pushover, mind you and there was not any doubt in my mind who had the final say, but, regardless of the outcome, I always felt that my view was heard, respected, and often well validated. He made me know I could move mountains is I put my mind to it. He was the only man I ever truly submitted to in my life. But he was worthy. He earned my love; he earned my respect and my obedience. Now that I am a woman, he treats me as not only a dear daughter but also as a beloved and respected peer. Still gives me good advice. And yes, we still engage in the occasional winner-take-all debate. I let him win...sometimes.

Daddy, would become my dating life coach as I transitioned into a woman. Mom, was wonderful, too, but I really needed a man's point of view since I needed to figure out the male psyche. He would tell me how to get boys to see tings my way, but I did not really internalize the message. Until...

After a big blow-up at the end of a string of a few miserably failed relationships, Dad drove to town and we had dinner. After dinner we took a long drive and we a heart-to-heart talk that was to mold my life in a really huge way. He told me that because of the way I was raised and had come to be, that the macho bad boys I gravitated towards were never going to work out as a life's partner. He said that I was the offspring of two alpha parents and he recognized for a long time that I was an alpha female. He told of the challenges of two alphas making it together. Said he and mom were just blessed that they did not go to bloodshed. They were both ultra-alphas. No bloodshed was amazing. No divorce, no fighting was like Divine intervention! I was listening.

As we drove Dad very matter-of-factly advised me that I really needed to think about finding a submissive guy. Wow! By then I had kind of figured that out, in a way, but his words hit home. I recalled them every time I was subject to a macho jerk's attitude. Finally, I reasoned that I could learn to turn them. Little did Daddy know how seriously I was to take our talk that night. I still dated macho boys, because I did not want to just retreat and give them up. But...my outlook totally changed. My very own father had acknowledged that I was an alpha woman! Watch out world! Daddy's Alfita is coming!

After that night, the macho boys became my prey. Wrapping them around my finger painlessly was my goal. It worked much of the time. I learned to make them say "Yes, Ma'am!". I learned to use the strap and paddle and other "tools". I became a cuckoldress way before the internet made the term popular. But maintaining a bad boy's submission 24/7 was just too darn taxing to want one for my Forever. It was fun to bag the trophy, it was fun to break them down and mold them into my subbies. But ultimately, I knew that the day would come when I would want to actually enjoy melding with a soulmate rather than breaking a bronco. So I learned to identify the ones with some degree of sub potential. I wanted to them to be alpha...but...I needed them to be just one small step down the pecking order. I could work with that. And that mindset ultimately lead me to my sweet cucky subby hubby. I still like dating and bedding respectful (well-endowed) alpha rebels, but I would not exchange my marriage for all of them in the world.

Now I am the one rambling...summing it up: A father can have a very powerful influence on his daughter's life. While my way of relating may be a bit more extreme than most alpha women, I have a lovely marriage to a wonderful man. We love each other fiercely. We mesh and meld and melt into each other's lives, souls.

My prayer for you is that you can play a part in her life that will lead her and encourage her to be all she can be, and be a happy and fulfilled woman in doing so.

**Thank you Daddy! I owe you my world!**

 

That was a beautiful post and a deep look in to what has helped shape you as the woman you are. Thank you for using my post as a launching pad for it. I only hope that I can be half the father to my daughter that your father was to you.

 

I have had a break from the Mansion due to real life issues so I am coming to this discussion quite late. The original question was where are the dominant women, and I just wanted to give one possible answer. In the military.

I was very blessed to marry a woman who was a junior rank in the Army when we met. Over a long career she ultimately commissioned to be an Officer and went to Sandhurst. Her experiences at the Military Academy honed her dominant tendencies and helped her truly blossom into the women she became. She became used to being in charge of men (and other women), and was used to her instructions and orders being followed without question. Dominant tendencies needed to be there in the first place, I would never have survived Sandhurst, but she thrived.

Fast forward to when we first started talking about adopting the FLR and male chastity lifestyle. Elle, my Wife, took her time to fully understand what it meant, but the process of change has shown that she is well suited to doing this. She has her own 'management' style, she is the sort of person who makes people try hard to please her through showing a good example and working hard herself, and having high standards. She works through positive reinforcement and praise rather than through demeaning and belittling language.

We are going through an exceptionally tough time in our day to day lives at the moment, but we are surviving. This is down in no small part to her strength as a leader and our strong relationship. We have both remarked that the FLR has made things so much easier to deal with.

I am not saying every woman who serves in the armed forces is going to be dominant, but someone who has achieved a good level of rank and is used to having instructions followed is going to have more of an idea of how to do this. The issue is whether they want to come home and not be in charge any more, to be the one who is told what to do. The other issue is meeting women who are serving in the forces and competing with the men they see on a day to day basis.

 

Compared to how it was for us pre-Internet folks, today’s scene is an embarrassment of riches.

Like anything else in life, you need to “sell” yourself. How do you do this?

First make sure you have a kickass profile on the various BDSM dating sites. Take a long time to make it as attractive, complete and professional as possible. Show your personality. You only have one chance to make a good first impression.

Then once you’ve found a good prospect for a Female Led Relationship, don’t just blast out a quick message. Do your research and try to figure out what desires and interests She has. This is important because it’s all about what She wants, not you. It also helps you to see if you are compatible.

Only then will you craft a detailed custom message to Her. Don’t dwell on your kinks, and don’t lie in an effort to tell her what You think She wants to hear. She’ll see right through it and you’ll be toast. Just write what’s in your heart. This may be the most important message you ever write in your life, so make it count.

Do this right and you’ll be ahead of 95% of your competition.

This might get Her attention. Then it’s up to you to take it from there.

Good luck!

 

Also, She might click on your profile and contact you. Some will, others want to be pursued.

 

Up until fairly recently there were at least two (possibly more, I'm not certain) absolutely wonderful Dominant Women right here at Chastity Mansion who have since vacated the premises. Mistress Lucy and Mistress Amanda, who both lent such a huge amount of style, glamour, intelligence, wit and wisdom to their threads, comments, pictorials - and just allowing us to have the sense that they were here, present in our lives, keeping us honest - were allowed to slip through our fingers all too easily. Mistress Amanda was actually banned. Huh? Mistress Lucy was subjected to an endless torrent of abuse and vitriol because she was resolute in her belief that a chaste boy should be kept that way and not be side-tracked by his endless preoccupation with fantasies and useless orgasms. Oh, and the fact that she was 23 bothered a lot of chastity-minded folk. Interesting, that. I believe she decided that she would better appreciated elsewhere and so departed with her usual grace and dignity intact (unlike the howling pack that watched her go).

So, where have all the Dominant Women gone? Beats me. But there might me a lesson here somewhere: if you have a Dominant Woman in your midst, treasure her above all else. They probably have a low tolerance threshold for boorish behaviour.

 

Well said. Very good advice. I agree, the emphasis needs to be on the prospects of a relationship and not just the kinks. The person needs to shine through.

 

Spot on. This applies to my wife who has grown more dominant as she has understood herself better and done it calmly and assuredly. Like when she just announced that she sleeps better in the second bedroom so our new arrangement will be that she joins me in bed in the morning for a chat, and "sex" when she wants it. I will remain locked up permanently. No fuss. No argument. Just a clear statement of how it will be.