What would you tell your KH former self if you could go back and tell her something?

Discussion in 'Chastity in vanilla life' started by knightly, Mar 29, 2023.

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  1. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    We are celebrating the end of month 4 of our chastity journey. Starting back in late November 2023, we have evolved to on average a month between releases, I am caged 23.8/7 and our dynamic is going wonderfully.

    My wife is comfortable keeping me locked, not feeling guilty about it, expressing her needs and desires, while still meeting my and "our" couples needs, including fun teasing and denying. Our intimacy and communication has flourished, and continues to grow every day. I do everything I can think of to be a better man and husband. Still lots to progress, but we're on a great path.

    My wife says she wants to up her game. As her confidence grows, so does her curiosity and desire to push things more.

    Coming from a very vanilla start, she is blossoming in her own sexuality and is looking for more things to explore, new ideas, things to do to me, things for her, and for us. We have both now gone through a phase like this where we would set up some play time, and if we didn't have a plan, it was hard to figure out what to do next. How to push boundaries, what to try next. Part stage fright, part "dear in headlights" not sure what to do.

    I'll leave this open ended for now...I have a question for serious couples who went from vanilla relationships into exploring chastity, deeper communication and exploring their sexuality in new ways. Once you had the basics down and were where we are, what did you do next? What suggestions or advise would you tell yourself (for a KH) or your keyholder if you could go back to where we are?

    Right now we're playing with Chaster to mix things up (no I won't let you add time to my lock and don't give her any ideas :). It's actually turned into an eye opening power play tool for assigning tasks, tracking time and controlling activity. And using it for good things, with tasks around intimacy and communication, healthy lifestyle, playful honey do stuff, etc.

    Thanks for ideas!
     
  2. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    I am unsure whether you have got past this stage or whether you wanted advice to get through it?

    Easy. Keep it simple!
    You know my journey, it has worked out quite well… almost too well! Probably less discussed by myself are the ideas/processes we went through to get where we are that didn’t work. Too many games, rules, obligations, pressure etc.
    Things like chaster could work well, but what happens at the end, your release is due, but she’s just not feeling it that evening? Does that create disappointment for you, a little resentment? I gather you’re more mature in your relationship that you wouldn’t feel that but it creates a conflict in your own mind.
    What would happen is she felt obligated to perform at that stage. Went through with something but ultimately wasn’t feeling it? You’d know. You’d sense it. She wouldn’t feel so connected to the release as she normally would. Would the act that probably could push boundaries be as substantially enjoyable?

    I suppose you are looking for a way to keep the spontaneity, but also give some direction to her (without taking control)?
     
  3. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    We go through this at various times. Having a plan in our minds helps. But at times when we want to do something special and new for the other person but don't have a plan we get stage fright or not sure what to do. Partly confidence, partly learning new things and being comfortable introducing new things.

    I agree, not too many rules or obligations. Letting it unfold and what feels natural. You had a good point on a post yesterday about being authentic or keeping it real...I forget the exact word.

    So, release means "out of cage", not orgasm. That's always her decision. And it also doesn't correspond with exact timing in Chaster. More about "earn your release" by doing tasks. Then the release and play time absolutely needs to correspond to the right time, being in the mood, etc.

    She's having fun with the tasks and for me it seems like it could help with adopting or re-enforcing new habits. The idea of using it as a way to "take charge" clicked with her. We've been trying it for a few days now, no idea how it will evolve.

    And that's a lot of where I think she is...figuring out how to take charge (in life in general, with me, the kids, other things), feeling confident and deserving of having her desires met. I would imagine other women taking on this role, and exploring their own strength and finding their voice have had similar journeys. And reached a point where it started to click and fall into place, but not sure what to do next. How to figure out what to do, exploring what she likes, how to be more dominant...all the practical things of "ok, now how do I go about this". She brought this up the other day, and feels like entering a new phase of self discovery so I thought I'd ask the forum.

    We are on the same page about many things, have a good foundation for communication and understanding of ourselves and supporting each other. Always looking for new things to try, and learn from others.
     
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  4. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    This quote? I think that’s fundamental. I read a lot of posts (there’s less now since the canasta satire) about men wanting their keyholders to be something they’re truly not, you can’t change who you married only give them the confidence to be who they want to be.

    You’ll probably know this but it boils down to communication. Something as simple a list of things you haven’t done, or things you’d like to try… at some stage when the mood is right either of you could consider the list and go about it.
    Blindfolds help. I don’t know what it is, but something about them really help get over the self-consciousness.

    Interesting side story. My wife and I decided one evening that it would be fun to both be blindfolded, honestly an incredibly entertaining but then thoroughly erotic experience. Would recommend.
     
  5. Byrdie
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    Byrdie Junior Member
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    *looks at calendar*

    *looks at post*

    *looks at calendar again*
     
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  6. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    Haha, oops. :). Good catch
     
  7. Nicoftime
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    Nicoftime The suspense is terrible...I hope it lasts

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    We went through a lot of phases. Not because it wasn’t working, but because people evolve.

    When we first started it was daily unlocking, rub downs with vitamin E oil, ruined orgasms, and orgasms all the time.

    That settled into less orgasms, less teasing, less unlocking, and firmer on the female led aspects.

    Then it went to more service oriented, discipline, and very infrequent unlocking and very rare orgasms with minimal teasing.

    Now we are at a very serious service aspect, no teasing physically, almost no orgasms (about 4 a year), discipline is implied but seldom needed.

    My advice looking back? Keep it fun, be direct with what they like and demand it, and don’t forget about him. It’s easy to let days, weeks, and months go by without “getting into this” or doing anything sexual. Plus life pops up and sex isn’t exactly on her mind. My advice is to not let him feel ignored, taken for granted, or let him get resentful. He thinks about this much more than she does, and it’s easy to forget about his locked status when it’s not affecting her daily.
     
  8. Marcus_Fappington
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    Marcus_Fappington Mid-Life Crisis Haver

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    My main advice I'd give to a new couple from my experience is:
    1. Don't push her
    2. Shut up, talk less about it. Basically don't talk about it at all unprompted. Once you're caged it's game on, shut up and let her do her thing.
    3. Just let her figure it out on her own

    Men want the woman to take charge but then also want to tell her what to do. It will never work that way.
     
  9. IB-Chaste
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    IB-Chaste Chastity Superman.

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    I somewhat disagree. You’re correct in that you can’t take charge of you are specifically asking for a full FLR… but that isn’t necessarily what key holding is about. ‘Topping from the bottom’ is a taboo subject, but how can you explain to your partner what you want of your not allowed to express your desires? And so, I think 3) should read: ‘take time to find out what your partner wants from this, but keep it on your own terms.

    Also, ‘don’t push her’. That’s also a difficult situation. Would a vanilla partner need a little pushing in the first instance?
    My wife went from ‘the cage is the only sex toy I don’t like’, to ‘the cage is the only sex toy we can’t live without, this is the life I always dreamed of.’
    That wouldn’t have happened without a little push and some gentle coercion. I know that sounds terrible, but it’s true. Do the ends justify the means? That’s a question for a later date.
    1) should read: ‘explain carefully what you want, what you expect to get from this, and how it can be achieved. Think carefully about how it will impact their lives and if it’s truly worth it. Once your keyholder understands, take a back seat and allow her to experiment.’

    Obviously, our opinions may differ :p
     
  10. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    I agree with this.

    Topping from the bottom isn't needed. But setting up the scene beforehand takes a bit of communication and preparation. Once in motion, let the dominant person take it where they want. Let it be genuine and theirs.

    "don't push her"...likewise, sometimes a push is needed. But the right kind of push, and for the right reason.

    My wife NEVER ever ever...ever ever ever...ever would have encountered much less suggested chastity. 2 years ago it would have been a look of fear, panic and NOPE! But a lot of discussion, experimenting and both of us introducing new things guided us down a path that evolved our relationship and communication.

    For a couple exploring chastity, I think these are the main rules needed:

    1) ‘Explain carefully what you want, what you expect to get from this, and how it can be achieved. Think carefully about how it will impact their lives and if it’s truly worth it. Once your keyholder understands, take a back seat and allow her to experiment.’

    2) Cage stays on all the time, comes off when she wants, then goes back on by default (unless she specifically says otherwise).
     
  11. cshorts
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    cshorts Locked in love for SL

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    This rings really true for me. I *wish* my spouse got more direct, personal pleasure out of chastity play and kink, but she doesn't. She engages willingly and generously because it is important to me, but she is who she is and my wanting her to be something different will only backfire. I've been learning -- too slowly -- over the years that the key, indeed, is giving her the space and confidence to be who she wants to be, helping her to feel safe to explore her interests and fantasies, and (important!) learning to appreciate her just for who she is, rather than wishing for her to be someone different. Similar to learning to live mindfully and with appreciation in the *present moment*, rather than fretting about the future or feeling disappointed about the past.
     
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  12. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    I want to further re-enforce this thread. Last week I had shared the "Modern Marriage" Tumblr article with my wife (https://themodernmarriage.tumblr.com) as a good consolidated set of articles about chastity.

    Apparently she read it.

    Last night I was ravenous for her and took her to a wonderful place and orgasm. I stayed caged. I wanted release and some play time so very badly. But she said no...we're also playing around with Chaster and time isn't up, so no letting me out.

    Once we snuggled in I was touching myself through the cage, which she picked up on. And asked me what I was doing. I told her and she promptly said "stop playing with that, that is mine. I'm in [more] control now. I've been reading the articles you've sent me, they've been helpful in understanding all of this. I'm figuring out what I want and this is helpful to know how you work and think." Her confidence has been growing, exploration has been ongoing as she has time and desire. I put her under no pressure to do a specific thing, but do offer ideas and suggestions of what I like, don't like, how she might use that bottled up sexual energy, etc.

    Without knowing the basic rules and potential dynamics of the game, how does one know how to play? And my wife loves games, rules, strategy and figuring things out. This approach works very well. She needs space, but context. Some cards (think Chance and Community Chest) to flip for random actions, along with some clear understanding of the game play. Then every day can be unique, and rich with whatever she and we are authentically feeling and desiring. Working towards the goals she has for me, us and our family. It's all fun.
     
  13. JaySaysYes
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    JaySaysYes I identify as someone that is always right

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    I agree completely.

    When I brought chastity up with GF I had read tons of artcles and blogs and I summarised it all in a document for her, should she want to know more. She read it, asked a slew of questoons, and then she ordered and read a couple of books that expanded her knowledge and increased her confidence.

    If I hadn't guided her and just said I wanted us to try chastity then her internet searches would have scared her away as we are not into any other kinks, so the whole pegging, sissy stuff, cuck, corporal punishments, etc. would have turned her right off.
     
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  14. knightly
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    knightly Long term member

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    The ideal goal here is to of course love each other, but also truly understand one another. Our needs and desires, our fantasies, and then strive to fulfill them for each other. Be each others ultimate fantasy lover, knight, princess and companion. This takes caring discussion and intimacy, opening up and sharing our thoughts and feelings. Everything women need to feel good themselves. Then they can lose themselves in our embrace, open up and feel safe to be sexy, kinky and playful.

    Without our input to help explain what we want, I agree, they are left to searching all the garbage on the internet...which to a vanilla woman is some truly horrific stuff versus the potential beauty and strength of real masculine energy..

    Chastity works really well when this happens.
     
  15. littleguy3
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    littleguy3 Adoring husband

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    Same here!
     
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